By the Way, Mom
Prose potlatch--a phone confession50 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
Very good. I enjoyed this piece. Nice twist at the end. I found one thing for your consideration.
"Mom, can we discuss my wedding without your falling into the deep end?"' This is a pretty well known phrase 'to go off the deep end'. My suggestion would be to tweak the phrasing. without you going off the deep end. Just a suggestion.
Well done!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Very good. I enjoyed this piece. Nice twist at the end. I found one thing for your consideration.
"Mom, can we discuss my wedding without your falling into the deep end?"' This is a pretty well known phrase 'to go off the deep end'. My suggestion would be to tweak the phrasing. without you going off the deep end. Just a suggestion.
Well done!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Hello Russell! Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story and for sharing your thoughts and kind suggestion to make it better. I appreciate your response.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from Mary Wakeford
Hahaha, that is a brilliant ending to an excellent read! Poor mama is going to have to go on meds after that phone call! My only suggestion is for the following line, that doesn't quite read right in my mind, but that could just be me. Well done.
You invited three hundred of your and Dad's friends. > The invitation count is already at 300; people you and dad know, but I've never met
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Hahaha, that is a brilliant ending to an excellent read! Poor mama is going to have to go on meds after that phone call! My only suggestion is for the following line, that doesn't quite read right in my mind, but that could just be me. Well done.
You invited three hundred of your and Dad's friends. > The invitation count is already at 300; people you and dad know, but I've never met
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Mary, for taking the time to read and share your thoughts for my story. I very much appreciate your suggestion with that sentence as it was one I changed and rewrote many times. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Irish. This is perfect on so many levels. LOL. I love the way you finessed the entire story, my friend. Good job.
Suggestion, if I may: this sentence sounds a bit off for some reason:
"I'm sure you'll say and act like always and make yourself out to be the poor-taken-advantage-of-martyr." Try, "I'm sure you'll cover it the way you always do--by telling things the way you choose in order to make yourself out the martyr."
Great job, my friend.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Hi, Irish. This is perfect on so many levels. LOL. I love the way you finessed the entire story, my friend. Good job.
Suggestion, if I may: this sentence sounds a bit off for some reason:
"I'm sure you'll say and act like always and make yourself out to be the poor-taken-advantage-of-martyr." Try, "I'm sure you'll cover it the way you always do--by telling things the way you choose in order to make yourself out the martyr."
Great job, my friend.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thanks for reading my story, Bob, and for your kind review and comments. I appreciate your suggestion to make that sentence better.
Smiles,
Irish :-)
Comment from LIJ Red
Yes, Grandpa, it was very sudden. Mom did not suffer, she dropped dead of thundering apoplexy with no warning at all, chatting on the phone with me. A fine dialog befitting the potlatch challenge.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Yes, Grandpa, it was very sudden. Mom did not suffer, she dropped dead of thundering apoplexy with no warning at all, chatting on the phone with me. A fine dialog befitting the potlatch challenge.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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LMAO!! I love your response to my story, LIJ, and appreciate your taking the time to read and share your wonderful sense of humor with me.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from TAB_that's me
Though I'm sure this is written as fiction, I think it could be true for so many. Sometimes parents live through their children and it is their way of having what they never had.
Excellent dialog prose Karyn:)
Teresa
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Though I'm sure this is written as fiction, I think it could be true for so many. Sometimes parents live through their children and it is their way of having what they never had.
Excellent dialog prose Karyn:)
Teresa
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thanks so much for your review and comments for my story, Teresa. I'm glad you enjoyed the dialogue and feel it rings true.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from starkat
Hello Flowergirl Indy,
Brilliantly written and the last line is the icing on the yummy wedding cake. This would make a riveting, hilarious scene in a sit/com or movie. Realistic dialogue brings the relationships alive and prepare us for the two delicious shocks that Mom deserves (she may need electroshock therapy after they hang up). There are people like Gina's mom that try to control everything in their kids lives - more than helicopter moms. Not sure what a 'potlatch' is, but I'm sure you followed all the stipulations for a potlatch prose piece. potlatch makes me thing of 'pot-luck' as in pot-luck dinner.
Outstanding prose piece and deserves a 'Sixer'
Currently, my sister, Jane, is busy with wedding plans for my nephew, Will and the bride-to-be, Jill - who I met for the first time last night. The wedding is about two months away - like in your story. Amazing all the time, effort and attention that goes into making a "perfect" wedding. I gave Jane a copy of Jim Gaffigan's 'Obsessed' CD that has hilarious stuff about weddings. You would love it, so check it out when you can.
Delightfully done. Cheers ... ;o) Caught the Garter Kat
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Hello Flowergirl Indy,
Brilliantly written and the last line is the icing on the yummy wedding cake. This would make a riveting, hilarious scene in a sit/com or movie. Realistic dialogue brings the relationships alive and prepare us for the two delicious shocks that Mom deserves (she may need electroshock therapy after they hang up). There are people like Gina's mom that try to control everything in their kids lives - more than helicopter moms. Not sure what a 'potlatch' is, but I'm sure you followed all the stipulations for a potlatch prose piece. potlatch makes me thing of 'pot-luck' as in pot-luck dinner.
Outstanding prose piece and deserves a 'Sixer'
Currently, my sister, Jane, is busy with wedding plans for my nephew, Will and the bride-to-be, Jill - who I met for the first time last night. The wedding is about two months away - like in your story. Amazing all the time, effort and attention that goes into making a "perfect" wedding. I gave Jane a copy of Jim Gaffigan's 'Obsessed' CD that has hilarious stuff about weddings. You would love it, so check it out when you can.
Delightfully done. Cheers ... ;o) Caught the Garter Kat
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Oh, GarterKat, I'm so thrilled you enjoyed this story, and I'm grateful for your wonderful review, kind comments, and generous rating. I LOVE Jim Gaffigan and went to one of his shows a few years back. He's originally from this area of NW Indiana. I'll have to listen to "Obsessed".
Potlatch is a weekly challenge using different poetry forms, and they recently started a prose challenge. It's not a contest, just a challenge open to all FS members. They announce the poetry/prose format n the Challenges forum thread each week and give the topic on Saturday for poetry and Sunday for prose. Look it up!
Thanks again for the gold star and your kind words.
Smiles,
FloweryIndy :-)
Comment from barkingdog
Regina certainly gave her uppity mother the old one two.
You captured the character's personalities perfectly. I've know mothers like that where the wedding is all about themselves and showing off for their friends. They have no regard for the wishes of the couple getting married.
Regina and Alex are not the traditional couple. I suspect mom dropped the phone and fainted. Again, playing the victim.
You did a great job. I really hated the mother and wanted to hug Regina and Alex.
:) ellen
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Regina certainly gave her uppity mother the old one two.
You captured the character's personalities perfectly. I've know mothers like that where the wedding is all about themselves and showing off for their friends. They have no regard for the wishes of the couple getting married.
Regina and Alex are not the traditional couple. I suspect mom dropped the phone and fainted. Again, playing the victim.
You did a great job. I really hated the mother and wanted to hug Regina and Alex.
:) ellen
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thanks so much, Ellen, for your great review and for taking the time to read and share your thoughts for my story. I love your comment that you hated the Mom and wanted to hug the couple.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
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You're welcome.
Comment from Nan Beeson
WOW!
WHAT A STORY OF PARENT AND CHILD AND THEIR DIFFERENCES.
i WAS AMAZED AT THE ENDING, AND FIND THIS POEM TO BE WORTHY OF SIX STARS, IT WAS SUCH SURPRISE ENDING! GOOD LUCK IN THE CONTEST.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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WOW!
WHAT A STORY OF PARENT AND CHILD AND THEIR DIFFERENCES.
i WAS AMAZED AT THE ENDING, AND FIND THIS POEM TO BE WORTHY OF SIX STARS, IT WAS SUCH SURPRISE ENDING! GOOD LUCK IN THE CONTEST.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, Nan, for your kind review and comments for my story. I'm delighted you enjoyed it and thought it might be worthy of six stars. That's so kind.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
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Thach makes me so happy, Karyn:
Starting off the day with a new bunch of new smiles, lol!
Nan:))
Comment from patcelaw
Very good conversational prose. It keeps the reader wanting to read more. The twist at the end mad me laugh. Mothers can be so intrusive into the lives of their children. Patricia
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Very good conversational prose. It keeps the reader wanting to read more. The twist at the end mad me laugh. Mothers can be so intrusive into the lives of their children. Patricia
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Patricia, for your kind review and comments for my story. I'm delighted it gave you a laugh...the best compliment you could give.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
LOL! That was brilliant, Karyn! Well done. Mothers can run away with plans for their daughter's wedding, I was lucky, my parents couldn't afford much, so we got the wedding WE wanted. You did this potlatch prose challenge brilliantly. I loved the last part, I could just imagine the coughing and spluttering on the other end of the phone when mum found out Alex was Alexandria!! LOL. Really well done! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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LOL! That was brilliant, Karyn! Well done. Mothers can run away with plans for their daughter's wedding, I was lucky, my parents couldn't afford much, so we got the wedding WE wanted. You did this potlatch prose challenge brilliantly. I loved the last part, I could just imagine the coughing and spluttering on the other end of the phone when mum found out Alex was Alexandria!! LOL. Really well done! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, Sandra, for this great review and your kind response to my story. I'm glad you enjoyed it and that you liked the ending. Thanks for sharing your comments.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
