Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Mama Bear - Part One"A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
7 total reviews
Comment from foxangie123
I wasn't expecting that twist in your story but it worked great. I found it neat you showed the caring and human nature of a Sheriff with irritated emotions after finding out who hit Cody. Way to go.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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I wasn't expecting that twist in your story but it worked great. I found it neat you showed the caring and human nature of a Sheriff with irritated emotions after finding out who hit Cody. Way to go.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from judiverse
Cody certainly attracts trouble, whether he intends to or not. Sounds like the accident could have been much worse. If it was Taylor who hit him, it could have been deliberate, because he is determined to get Cody in trouble. After Daniels suspended him, Taylor is also out to get Daniels too. What better way than through Cody. Lots of action in this and excellent reaction to Cody's accident. judi
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Cody certainly attracts trouble, whether he intends to or not. Sounds like the accident could have been much worse. If it was Taylor who hit him, it could have been deliberate, because he is determined to get Cody in trouble. After Daniels suspended him, Taylor is also out to get Daniels too. What better way than through Cody. Lots of action in this and excellent reaction to Cody's accident. judi
Comment Written 03-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this story. Your comments and support appreciated.
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You're very welcome. judi
Comment from Sankey
Good work again. I like your story that is why I stick with you. However you need to up the reward if you want more reviews. Not sure we are all as keen as me for the measly reward hehe. I don't need it as I have heaps but others do. Read some of my poems about rewards for reviewing and so on. Good work anyway, mate. Keep it up.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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Good work again. I like your story that is why I stick with you. However you need to up the reward if you want more reviews. Not sure we are all as keen as me for the measly reward hehe. I don't need it as I have heaps but others do. Read some of my poems about rewards for reviewing and so on. Good work anyway, mate. Keep it up.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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Glad you are sticking with the story. Happy to have you. My philosophy on "up the reward if you want more reviews" differs from most other people on this site. I write for my own enjoyment and for that of those who read my writing. I am not in the market to "buy" reviews. The ones I get are from members who will give an honest review without having to be enticed to do so. Which makes them more valuable to me. It is a policy that has been very effective for me since I joined this site. My portfolio proves what I am capable of achieving in my writing. Hopefully you will remain on board as well.
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Sounds good mate. "When you're on a good thing....stick to it!" Was an old Pest Spray ad jingle hehe.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Oh the plot thickens and I have to say, this being short chapters and so easy to read...no fairies or knights or space men or espionage...I am so hooked on this.
Very nicely written and exciting as h...
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Oh the plot thickens and I have to say, this being short chapters and so easy to read...no fairies or knights or space men or espionage...I am so hooked on this.
Very nicely written and exciting as h...
Comment Written 03-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Brett,
Again this was an interesting part of your story. You sure can write them fast.
I hope the Sheriff will start treating Cody better and quit hollering at him so much.
Kat
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Hi Brett,
Again this was an interesting part of your story. You sure can write them fast.
I hope the Sheriff will start treating Cody better and quit hollering at him so much.
Kat
Comment Written 03-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
-
Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Your writing is getting better and better. Lots of movement in the story line. It was clear and concise, and left us wanting more. Very well done, and now we can't wait to find out what happened? Could it be Cody was there to even out the unlucky 13? Was he lured there? Gotta wait!!
Rhonda
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Your writing is getting better and better. Lots of movement in the story line. It was clear and concise, and left us wanting more. Very well done, and now we can't wait to find out what happened? Could it be Cody was there to even out the unlucky 13? Was he lured there? Gotta wait!!
Rhonda
Comment Written 03-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from mfowler
I'm beginning to feel guilty with the sort of things I'm saying, but
feel that by tinkering with the detail will produce a stronger, more
convincing read. Here, Cody does a very Cody like thing, and the
police team are called into action. After being hit by a car on his way
to a party Sheriff Daniels knows nothing about, Cody identifies Taylor
as the hit run driver. In that moment we find out how much Cody
means to the Sheriff. It's a well written chapter with some excellent
dialogue and very relevant dramatic high spots. I've added my usual
list of ideas. If you're sick of hearing this stuff, let me know and I'll
focus on commas and such.
Suggestions:
Sheriff Daniels ascertained...ascertained isn't the right word here.
It is the right word once he knows, but here he's asking what he
knows. Perhaps 'asserted' as it follows and exclamation mark.
Like any caring Dad would do, Sheriff Daniels went ballistic! ...I
think you need to leave off 'like any caring Dad would do'. As
writer, you aren't really in the position of moral arbiter, so that
clause just TELLS. Everything that follows it; going ballistic, yelling
etc, SHOWS that he's reacting like a normal dad might.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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I'm beginning to feel guilty with the sort of things I'm saying, but
feel that by tinkering with the detail will produce a stronger, more
convincing read. Here, Cody does a very Cody like thing, and the
police team are called into action. After being hit by a car on his way
to a party Sheriff Daniels knows nothing about, Cody identifies Taylor
as the hit run driver. In that moment we find out how much Cody
means to the Sheriff. It's a well written chapter with some excellent
dialogue and very relevant dramatic high spots. I've added my usual
list of ideas. If you're sick of hearing this stuff, let me know and I'll
focus on commas and such.
Suggestions:
Sheriff Daniels ascertained...ascertained isn't the right word here.
It is the right word once he knows, but here he's asking what he
knows. Perhaps 'asserted' as it follows and exclamation mark.
Like any caring Dad would do, Sheriff Daniels went ballistic! ...I
think you need to leave off 'like any caring Dad would do'. As
writer, you aren't really in the position of moral arbiter, so that
clause just TELLS. Everything that follows it; going ballistic, yelling
etc, SHOWS that he's reacting like a normal dad might.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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Keep those edits coming! Throw some commas in too along the way too. I can handle all the suggestions you care to make. Glad you are staying with the story and enjoying the read. Your comments and support appreciated.
