The Bus
How a bus ride changed a life.30 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
I hope this is up for story of the month. What a tear-jerking and inspirational read. Smooth transitions. Great dialogue. I do think the opening is awkward and might suggest you switch lines around. Example:
I walked four long blocks to the nearest bus stop in six inch heels. My Lexus needed a new transmission. I had no choice but to use public transportation. Buses were for school children and old people, I grumbled. My fashionable shoes rubbed against my skin. I'd have a blister by the end of the day.
Other places in the opening seem a bit wordy, but the story line is so compelling it overrides any critique from me.
as
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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I hope this is up for story of the month. What a tear-jerking and inspirational read. Smooth transitions. Great dialogue. I do think the opening is awkward and might suggest you switch lines around. Example:
I walked four long blocks to the nearest bus stop in six inch heels. My Lexus needed a new transmission. I had no choice but to use public transportation. Buses were for school children and old people, I grumbled. My fashionable shoes rubbed against my skin. I'd have a blister by the end of the day.
Other places in the opening seem a bit wordy, but the story line is so compelling it overrides any critique from me.
as
Comment Written 03-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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I absolutely agree with you about the beginning . The problem was the Contest states that you have to start with that line. Then I made the mistake of just writing, went back to the contest and realized I had to cut 600 words from the story. I did keep the longer version because I think it gets more into descriptions etc. But I had to cut out so much.
You are so right.
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Ah, thanks for explaining.
Comment from zanya
Yes history is ever present in our lives however little we realise it or wish to acknowledge it - the use of juxtaposition works well here bringing two time frames together
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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Yes history is ever present in our lives however little we realise it or wish to acknowledge it - the use of juxtaposition works well here bringing two time frames together
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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History is who we are. That is what I love about writing. Fiction is sometimes what we either wish we were or what we want to say.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
This story had me in tears at the scene of Gertrude and her mother. We can't imagine the horror suffered by some as we bitch and complain about the slightest inconveniences. The "I hope you can" line from her mother was a punch to the gut.
The wisdom imparted through the Gertrude character is sound and wise.
Great believable storyline, executed with perfection.
***
know. I *simple don't care." Now
-> simply
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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This story had me in tears at the scene of Gertrude and her mother. We can't imagine the horror suffered by some as we bitch and complain about the slightest inconveniences. The "I hope you can" line from her mother was a punch to the gut.
The wisdom imparted through the Gertrude character is sound and wise.
Great believable storyline, executed with perfection.
***
know. I *simple don't care." Now
-> simply
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much. This was quite a story. I remember crying when I wrote that line too. An 11 year old pretending to be an adult just so she can live. Why did all of that happen.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
I enjoyed this bus ride, too, my friend. It touched me deeply, and the ending was a complete surprise. I never expected that she was about to be fired.
The writing was so realistic it seemed to have been a personal experience.
Very very well done, and if I had a 6, this would certainly get it!
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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I enjoyed this bus ride, too, my friend. It touched me deeply, and the ending was a complete surprise. I never expected that she was about to be fired.
The writing was so realistic it seemed to have been a personal experience.
Very very well done, and if I had a 6, this would certainly get it!
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much. It was quite a journey to write.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I liked the premise of the unexpected, mundane event leading to a potentially life-changing epoch. I think though that you need to have a good read through this and iron out a few inconsistencies and editing.
I walked four blocks to the nearest stop. I complained the whole way. Corporate shoes were not meant for walking. - you could make this sequence a little more dynamic by joining it together such as - ' I walked the four blocks to the nearest stop complaining the whole way; corporate shoes were not meant for walking.' - just a thought.
"Don't you have an express bus from here to my work,"- there should either be a speech tag after this, but probably just a full stop rather than the comma. Also, and quite importantly, how would they know where your work was - you'd have to name it!
before we stop again - stopped to preserve the tense.
"Good Morning", she said - comma should be inside speech marks.
"That's not my route Ma'am" - need full stop here before closing speech marks.
I half heartily - heartedly.
room in twenty Minutes - minutes.
She was just over reacting - overreacting.
"Just having a hard day?", now she was angry - no comma needed here and should be Now.
dealership called about 4 0'clock - o'clock.
and walked barefoot II didn't care - should be a full stop after barefoot and delete a 'I'.
We walked off the bus together.
The coffee was delicious. This time I had an English muffin for breakfast. We talked about everything and nothing while I waited for the 2722. - why would she intention ally miss her stop? Especially with all the issues at work.
Also, she was almost on time that day but the day before she was an hour late? She caught the same bus.
Gertrude's next lesson was sad - story or recollection might sound better here than lesson.
She said affectionately - she said.
A young soldier gave me a chocolate bar - this is pretty unlikely as the camp was found by Soviet troops who would not have had such luxuries.
She undid my bun, She stroked my head - either a full stop after bun or she after the comma.
All the best
GMG
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Hi there,
I liked the premise of the unexpected, mundane event leading to a potentially life-changing epoch. I think though that you need to have a good read through this and iron out a few inconsistencies and editing.
I walked four blocks to the nearest stop. I complained the whole way. Corporate shoes were not meant for walking. - you could make this sequence a little more dynamic by joining it together such as - ' I walked the four blocks to the nearest stop complaining the whole way; corporate shoes were not meant for walking.' - just a thought.
"Don't you have an express bus from here to my work,"- there should either be a speech tag after this, but probably just a full stop rather than the comma. Also, and quite importantly, how would they know where your work was - you'd have to name it!
before we stop again - stopped to preserve the tense.
"Good Morning", she said - comma should be inside speech marks.
"That's not my route Ma'am" - need full stop here before closing speech marks.
I half heartily - heartedly.
room in twenty Minutes - minutes.
She was just over reacting - overreacting.
"Just having a hard day?", now she was angry - no comma needed here and should be Now.
dealership called about 4 0'clock - o'clock.
and walked barefoot II didn't care - should be a full stop after barefoot and delete a 'I'.
We walked off the bus together.
The coffee was delicious. This time I had an English muffin for breakfast. We talked about everything and nothing while I waited for the 2722. - why would she intention ally miss her stop? Especially with all the issues at work.
Also, she was almost on time that day but the day before she was an hour late? She caught the same bus.
Gertrude's next lesson was sad - story or recollection might sound better here than lesson.
She said affectionately - she said.
A young soldier gave me a chocolate bar - this is pretty unlikely as the camp was found by Soviet troops who would not have had such luxuries.
She undid my bun, She stroked my head - either a full stop after bun or she after the comma.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Giraff, I printed your critique and went and touched everything you said in an edit. This morning after I wrote this I went back to the rules and realized I had to cut the story by 600 words for this contest. I did that but it was done quickly and I think so many good ideas were left out. Every point you made was valid and I always cherish your reviews. I hope it looks better now. I haven't decided how to correct the historical facts yet. You also helped me think of another one that I overlooked. Didn't they shave the women's hair. So would she have long hair after living there for 8 months. Now you have me thinking practically.
I treasure your critiques.
Comment from Douglas Paul
This story so deserves the six I don't have. I think this might well be the best story I have ever read here on FS. You did a fantastic job on this. You show great insight and you convey a great message, This is wonderful, Judy
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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This story so deserves the six I don't have. I think this might well be the best story I have ever read here on FS. You did a fantastic job on this. You show great insight and you convey a great message, This is wonderful, Judy
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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thank you Douglas. That makes my heart so happy.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Judy. Well done. Your images are solid in many places: Unfortunately, you are TELLING" most of the story, rather than "SHOWING" it by using the five senses. example: (I cannot, as a reader see these people like gertrude?? etc.
"I had a major project due by the end of the week. I half heartily apologized to my colleagues for being late to the meeting. I explained that my car broke down. I was a small supervisor in a big business. I was never late. They were the ones who usually caused the problems. I was the head of the committee and they should understand this one discrepancy. I told them to meet in the conference room in twenty minutes."
Also, you need to contrive more dialogue between the characters somehow. dialogue propels a story.
FurtherSuggestions: You have a good "hook" to open the book with, but I suggest you tie them together like so: "I didn't know what I was getting into when I simply got on the bus." But I really think that this would be a far better lead in and more in line with your story as a "hook."
"I don't ride buses. My car was broken. It was in the shop waiting for a new transmission. (and work around things from there. It is a better attention-getter, I think.
And: Don't switch tenses in the story. You started out in past tense....stay with it: " These corporate shoes were not meant for walking. It was going to take me an "estimated", hour and thirty five minutes to get to work. ("The corporate shoes." not "these" (present tense).
Also, it's obvious you are annoyed....no need for this: " I was so annoyed."
And: "This is so ghetto. Couldn't they keep this public bus cleaner?" This seems to be a thought. If so, you either need to put it in italics or add on, "I thought."
Keep at it. You will be fine.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Hi, Judy. Well done. Your images are solid in many places: Unfortunately, you are TELLING" most of the story, rather than "SHOWING" it by using the five senses. example: (I cannot, as a reader see these people like gertrude?? etc.
"I had a major project due by the end of the week. I half heartily apologized to my colleagues for being late to the meeting. I explained that my car broke down. I was a small supervisor in a big business. I was never late. They were the ones who usually caused the problems. I was the head of the committee and they should understand this one discrepancy. I told them to meet in the conference room in twenty minutes."
Also, you need to contrive more dialogue between the characters somehow. dialogue propels a story.
FurtherSuggestions: You have a good "hook" to open the book with, but I suggest you tie them together like so: "I didn't know what I was getting into when I simply got on the bus." But I really think that this would be a far better lead in and more in line with your story as a "hook."
"I don't ride buses. My car was broken. It was in the shop waiting for a new transmission. (and work around things from there. It is a better attention-getter, I think.
And: Don't switch tenses in the story. You started out in past tense....stay with it: " These corporate shoes were not meant for walking. It was going to take me an "estimated", hour and thirty five minutes to get to work. ("The corporate shoes." not "these" (present tense).
Also, it's obvious you are annoyed....no need for this: " I was so annoyed."
And: "This is so ghetto. Couldn't they keep this public bus cleaner?" This seems to be a thought. If so, you either need to put it in italics or add on, "I thought."
Keep at it. You will be fine.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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I like your review. I had so much more of that in my first version. Then I went back to look at the rules for the contest and realized it had a 2500 word limit. I had to eliminate so much that I wanted to keep. I did keep the original version which is much better than this shortened one. I always love your critiques. I am going back to change the tenses.
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Good for you.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A great story, at first we cannot see why the bad had to happen. We just see the discomfort and effort we have to get things done
NS: someone broke into my car last night while my daughter was having her karate class. The thief stole her handbag after he broke the passenger side window. Since early this morning we are running around to apply for replacement id's, banking cards and a quote on the window is R3000 approximately $400.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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A great story, at first we cannot see why the bad had to happen. We just see the discomfort and effort we have to get things done
NS: someone broke into my car last night while my daughter was having her karate class. The thief stole her handbag after he broke the passenger side window. Since early this morning we are running around to apply for replacement id's, banking cards and a quote on the window is R3000 approximately $400.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Oh , I am angry for you right now. The thieves were so heartless. It cost so much money. I hope you have liability on the glass then it is covered. I feel for you so much. I have been there.
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I cancelled my assurance because the premium is too high. A new glass is the same as the payment I would have to pay before the insurance replace the window.
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I understand. Hope things get better.
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Thank you for your concern. A very nice guy found my daughter's handbag hidden in his yard. She got everything back except her tablet and of course the window still needs to be replaced. The bank cards is all in the process to be replaced.
Comment from Helen Bach
I enjoyed taking your bus rides with you too and watching as your mc transformed. I guess we've all been guilty of focussing on the destination without paying attention to the journey. As this started I had no idea what an exceptional piece of writing I was about to enjoy. Well done on this xx
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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I enjoyed taking your bus rides with you too and watching as your mc transformed. I guess we've all been guilty of focussing on the destination without paying attention to the journey. As this started I had no idea what an exceptional piece of writing I was about to enjoy. Well done on this xx
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Helen, I had no idea when I started this yesterday what the story would be. You once again have made me feel like a writer. I learned so much from writing this. Thank you for your constant support.
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You have an ability that is eluding me at the moment. You can take a reader along the same journey's that your characters tread and make them care. You cut right through to the core of that person, I can learn from you, I like your writing.
Comment from heyjude
Judy, I really did like this story. What a message is in here about
being a kinder person. I like the way the main character changed
in the story. You developed it so well. It was very interesting.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Judy, I really did like this story. What a message is in here about
being a kinder person. I like the way the main character changed
in the story. You developed it so well. It was very interesting.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much. I think I learned something writing it. Life is so precious.
