The Cage
People gone mad.34 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
This was a highly interesting piece. It seems you know the writing technique of using quick, staccato sentences to show quick, hurried action. That's super. But I have to tell you that some extra information would have been super. This seemed like watching it all from a very, very far distance away. Extra info or insight would have allowed the reader to step closer and understood more of the reasoning behind some of this. I think it would be very helpful -- personally.
Also, the short, short paragraphs get redundant while reading. I would really suggest combining some of them into longer ones. Vary the length by grouping your sentences into different size paragraphs, please.
Finally, the piece seems to start off from the POV of the two manager/owners Art and Homer. We don't really get a sense of when that changes to the reporter and it kind of came as a shock to me to learn that at the end. I would humbly suggest you reconsider that...?
Hope some of the may be helpful to you! Good luck in the contest.
The story itself is quite fascinating. If you can work those very minor 'bugs' out, you definitely have a contenda! *smile* Good luck!
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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Dear Mystery Writer,
This was a highly interesting piece. It seems you know the writing technique of using quick, staccato sentences to show quick, hurried action. That's super. But I have to tell you that some extra information would have been super. This seemed like watching it all from a very, very far distance away. Extra info or insight would have allowed the reader to step closer and understood more of the reasoning behind some of this. I think it would be very helpful -- personally.
Also, the short, short paragraphs get redundant while reading. I would really suggest combining some of them into longer ones. Vary the length by grouping your sentences into different size paragraphs, please.
Finally, the piece seems to start off from the POV of the two manager/owners Art and Homer. We don't really get a sense of when that changes to the reporter and it kind of came as a shock to me to learn that at the end. I would humbly suggest you reconsider that...?
Hope some of the may be helpful to you! Good luck in the contest.
The story itself is quite fascinating. If you can work those very minor 'bugs' out, you definitely have a contenda! *smile* Good luck!
Comment Written 03-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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The story explained near the end that it was about a journalist trying to catch all the action from a safe distance, while unable to hear conversations and only bits of dialog. The reason for all the short and choppy sentences and even a couple intentional fragments. The story begins a week before as they are counting their money. There is a break at that point, before moving to the next week's events in preparation for the bigger even. Then there is another break, before the story actually starts, both breaks making it very obvious to anyone that there was a jump in time. I would have loved to made difference sized paragraphs; however, in such a quick pace and not wanting to disrupt and miss what was happening at that very moment, I chose not to. Thanks for reading. I wish you had understood better what I was trying to accomplish.
Comment from Zue65
I am not really into horror and thriller fiction genre. I hate blood and murders but the story however progressed with all the elements that will attract readers to continue reading despite its gory blood and violence. I hope the writer can use his talent also for a fiction devoid of blood.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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I am not really into horror and thriller fiction genre. I hate blood and murders but the story however progressed with all the elements that will attract readers to continue reading despite its gory blood and violence. I hope the writer can use his talent also for a fiction devoid of blood.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. This is definitely not for everyone, including me. I have a very talented person who keeps pushing me to get out of my comfort zone, so I really did with this one. This story is supposed to be a journalist trying to catch all the action from a safe distance away, while unable to hear conversation and only bits of dialog. I apologize for such a disgusting story line this time. But as my friend says, go big or go home. Your comments and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from DonandVicki
I have enjoyed reading your entry to the contest and after reading others in the contest I think you have a very good chance to be in the winner's circle.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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I have enjoyed reading your entry to the contest and after reading others in the contest I think you have a very good chance to be in the winner's circle.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, DonandVicki, for taking time to read my story. This story isn't for everyone, including me. LOL. It is supposed to be a journalist trying to catch all the action from a safe distance, while unable to hear the conversations and only bits of dialog. I need all the help I can get with this one for sure, but it's always great to get reviews from talented and encouraging people like you. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Gloria ....
Superb story telling all the way, author. The gore, the imagery all capture us in our own glory. LOL.
This is top notch creative writing, every word of it, and I wish you all the best in the contest.
Gloria
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Superb story telling all the way, author. The gore, the imagery all capture us in our own glory. LOL.
This is top notch creative writing, every word of it, and I wish you all the best in the contest.
Gloria
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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I wait for your thoughts on everything I write, a little kid needing acceptance. This story definitely isn't for everyone, including me. LOL. It is supposed to be a journalist trying to catch the action from a safe distance, while unable to hear the conversations and only bits of dialog. Thanks so much, as always, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and extra generous six-star review have picked my whipped butt up and made it a wonderful day! Thanks a million! :-)
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Anytime. :))
Comment from create4christ
Wow! This is gorey! This definitely is extremely descriptive! The reader will be able to visualize what is going on in this story. And, though I didn't really want to be, I was drawn into your story...to find out what was next. I see this as the mark of good writing.
Well done, my friend. Good luck with your entry. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Wow! This is gorey! This definitely is extremely descriptive! The reader will be able to visualize what is going on in this story. And, though I didn't really want to be, I was drawn into your story...to find out what was next. I see this as the mark of good writing.
Well done, my friend. Good luck with your entry. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. This story is definitely not for everyone, including me. A very talented writer keep pushing me to get out of my comfort zone, and did I this time. This is supposed to be a journalist trying to share what he/she sees from a safe distance from the action, while unable to hear conversations and only bits of dialog. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I hope it didn't gross or weird you out too much. :-)
Comment from Kooky Clown
Now that is what I call powerful stuff a great read and a thrilling one, an imaginary situation but what a fantastic way to describe the mayhem as the cage entertainment got out of control.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Now that is what I call powerful stuff a great read and a thrilling one, an imaginary situation but what a fantastic way to describe the mayhem as the cage entertainment got out of control.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, Kooky Clown, for taking time to read my story. It definitely isn't for everyone, including me. LOL! This is supposed to be a journalist trying to catch what he/she sees from a safe distance, while unable to hear conversations and only bits of dialog. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from foxangie123
I like how you represented the cage we as people put ourselves in. I fund it to be quite genius and brilliant indeed. This roks the house.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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I like how you represented the cage we as people put ourselves in. I fund it to be quite genius and brilliant indeed. This roks the house.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. This story definitely isn't for everyone, including me. LOL. This is supposed to be a journalist catching what he/she can see from a safe distance, while unable to hear conversations and only bits of dialog. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I would give you a big hug FoxAngie123, but I' afraid that if I did you wouldn't read my stories anymore. Thanks again, :-)
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Ha, ha:))))
Comment from TLPhillips
Thank you for sharing your work. I was intrigued by the concept in the beginning - sort of a fight-club type of feel that I was looking forward to reading. The suddenness of the gun shots and mayhem came out of nowhere and completely upended everything I'd expected the piece to be.
There were also a few other things I noticed.
- Your first sentence in present tense while the rest is either in past/past perfect. I would suggest sticking with a single tense, depending on what you want the readers to feel.
- Your POV is unclear for the bulk of the story and then in the last two paragraphs you pull us into the head of the "narrator". Unfortunately the narrator is completely unbelievable. I say this because he/she points out that they were commenting on what they could see from a "safe" distance but throughout the story we get to see miles of people that want to attend but the show is sold out as well as what's going on four stories off the ground in a highly secured facility.
- While you were able to create a great image of the extent of the money, the pyramid of bills is a bit unbelievable - it's hard to imagine how it got that high as one would need to be at least eight feet tall to reach the apex.
- The inclusion of children is a bit disturbing given the situation. I'm not sure that many parents would willingly subject a child to the kind of fighting that supposedly goes on at one of these events. MMA sure, kickboxing okay, but we're talking about fights where people expect to see blood and death.
- I might have missed it, but there doesn't seem to be a clear plot here. Is this a story about extreme fighting? Or is it supposed to be about a robbery that sets off a riot? Is it about the abduction of two organizers that are tossed into the cage? I still don't know.
- You gave some great details throughout the story, but none that really pulled me into the story and made me feel anything.
I did like the opening concept of a new type of fight, though I'm not sure it should be so public - not sure where the story takes place but where I come from fights to the death are still illegal. This story does have a lot of potential though, and I look forward to seeing the writer develop his/her talents. Good Luck and Happy Writing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you for sharing your work. I was intrigued by the concept in the beginning - sort of a fight-club type of feel that I was looking forward to reading. The suddenness of the gun shots and mayhem came out of nowhere and completely upended everything I'd expected the piece to be.
There were also a few other things I noticed.
- Your first sentence in present tense while the rest is either in past/past perfect. I would suggest sticking with a single tense, depending on what you want the readers to feel.
- Your POV is unclear for the bulk of the story and then in the last two paragraphs you pull us into the head of the "narrator". Unfortunately the narrator is completely unbelievable. I say this because he/she points out that they were commenting on what they could see from a "safe" distance but throughout the story we get to see miles of people that want to attend but the show is sold out as well as what's going on four stories off the ground in a highly secured facility.
- While you were able to create a great image of the extent of the money, the pyramid of bills is a bit unbelievable - it's hard to imagine how it got that high as one would need to be at least eight feet tall to reach the apex.
- The inclusion of children is a bit disturbing given the situation. I'm not sure that many parents would willingly subject a child to the kind of fighting that supposedly goes on at one of these events. MMA sure, kickboxing okay, but we're talking about fights where people expect to see blood and death.
- I might have missed it, but there doesn't seem to be a clear plot here. Is this a story about extreme fighting? Or is it supposed to be about a robbery that sets off a riot? Is it about the abduction of two organizers that are tossed into the cage? I still don't know.
- You gave some great details throughout the story, but none that really pulled me into the story and made me feel anything.
I did like the opening concept of a new type of fight, though I'm not sure it should be so public - not sure where the story takes place but where I come from fights to the death are still illegal. This story does have a lot of potential though, and I look forward to seeing the writer develop his/her talents. Good Luck and Happy Writing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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If you had payed more attention, you would have noticed that the first section was past tense. The next section was moving to a week later. The rest was current. I'm sorry that you failed to understand anything about the story. I'm just glad that so far you are the only one. I don't expect everyone to like such a graphic story line. But three stars? Whatever! This happens to be the best piece that I have ever written, and if you will notice some of the other reviews from very talented writers you might realize what a joke this review is. Sorry, I usually don't take offense, but this one is ridiculous.
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I do apologize that you seem to be offended by my honesty. Good luck on your future endeavors.
Comment from trailblazer101
Not my type of story.
But it i colorful and the imagery is to die for!
"Merciless beatings fueled by rage and executed with stolen shovels, brooms, bats, and crowbars from the looted homes, garages, and offices."
Sets the stage
There is no sign of the hundreds of house and business owners. Obviously frightened away by those who, had at first seemed normal, now morphed into crazed lunatics on the warpath.
Excellent!
"Ransacked contents and belongings lay strewn everywhere, from undergarments to refrigerators."
Refrigerators? Oh my!
And then this!
"Reminiscent images of a city dump in Bangladesh."
Needs a verb to qualify as a sentence but what great writing just the same.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Not my type of story.
But it i colorful and the imagery is to die for!
"Merciless beatings fueled by rage and executed with stolen shovels, brooms, bats, and crowbars from the looted homes, garages, and offices."
Sets the stage
There is no sign of the hundreds of house and business owners. Obviously frightened away by those who, had at first seemed normal, now morphed into crazed lunatics on the warpath.
Excellent!
"Ransacked contents and belongings lay strewn everywhere, from undergarments to refrigerators."
Refrigerators? Oh my!
And then this!
"Reminiscent images of a city dump in Bangladesh."
Needs a verb to qualify as a sentence but what great writing just the same.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Yes, there are some fragmented sentences, that hopefully still express the thoughts. The reason for its choppiness is, this story is supposed to be a journalist trying capture what he/she sees from a safe distance from the action, while unable to hear conversation and only bits of dialog. It doesn't hurt my feelings that this isn't your kind of story, as it isn't mine either. Someone keeps pushing me to get out of my comfort zone, and well, here it is. LOL! Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from William Ross
very good a different type of cage, great write on the fighting cage, there are many types of cages in life, great thought and write on this one. good luck and enjoy your day
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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very good a different type of cage, great write on the fighting cage, there are many types of cages in life, great thought and write on this one. good luck and enjoy your day
Comment Written 02-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, William, for taking time to read my story. This story isn't for everyone, including me. I just wanted to do something different to appease someone who keeps pushing me to get out of my comfort zone. The story is meant to be a journalist trying to catch all the action from a safe distance, while unable to hear conversations and only bits of dialog. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
