Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Fallout"A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
9 total reviews
Comment from misscookie
I think it is better for me to follows your story
just when I think I know what is going to happen next
....wham! Something new comes into the picture Keep up the good work
Cookie
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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I think it is better for me to follows your story
just when I think I know what is going to happen next
....wham! Something new comes into the picture Keep up the good work
Cookie
Comment Written 28-May-2016
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Glad you are enjoying this story misscookie.
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Until next time
Cookie
Comment from bookishfabler
Sheepishly the reporter replied, "All my life."
( I would stay away from telling again. show. )
"All my life,) he sighed.
"Tell you what(,) Tommy(-.)(,) (w)hen
Patronizingly, (Another one. Don't need it.)
Sheriff Daniels started walking away from Tommy(-.)(when) (h)e remembered something else he wanted to tell him.
He turned back to (-Tommy) and said, (Don't need to keep repeating his name, we already know who he is talking to.)
"Yes, sir," (-Tommy answered him back.) Don't need this whole speech tag.
"She's still got those shrimp doesn't she?" Sheriff Daniels wondered stating, "Cody just loves those things. And, Beth tells me the antipasto is to die for."
(don't need this speech tag either. They are becoming distracting. In this case how does he wonder and state at the same time? If you must put a tag in the middle of your sentence, just say the sheriff asked, or Daniels asked. and it is less distracting at the end of a sentence.)
"Medium-rare every time(,) Kiddo," the (-Sheriff told him.) I think you may get what I'm mentioning by now. Maybe say Daniels winked?
cat-that-ate-the-canary (Cliche)
smirked would work fine.
"Shut up!" (-Tommy responded) dejectedly.
I hope this is helpful.
Have a wonderful Holiday Weekend
Hugs heidi
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
 |
Sheepishly the reporter replied, "All my life."
( I would stay away from telling again. show. )
"All my life,) he sighed.
"Tell you what(,) Tommy(-.)(,) (w)hen
Patronizingly, (Another one. Don't need it.)
Sheriff Daniels started walking away from Tommy(-.)(when) (h)e remembered something else he wanted to tell him.
He turned back to (-Tommy) and said, (Don't need to keep repeating his name, we already know who he is talking to.)
"Yes, sir," (-Tommy answered him back.) Don't need this whole speech tag.
"She's still got those shrimp doesn't she?" Sheriff Daniels wondered stating, "Cody just loves those things. And, Beth tells me the antipasto is to die for."
(don't need this speech tag either. They are becoming distracting. In this case how does he wonder and state at the same time? If you must put a tag in the middle of your sentence, just say the sheriff asked, or Daniels asked. and it is less distracting at the end of a sentence.)
"Medium-rare every time(,) Kiddo," the (-Sheriff told him.) I think you may get what I'm mentioning by now. Maybe say Daniels winked?
cat-that-ate-the-canary (Cliche)
smirked would work fine.
"Shut up!" (-Tommy responded) dejectedly.
I hope this is helpful.
Have a wonderful Holiday Weekend
Hugs heidi
Comment Written 28-May-2016
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Appreciate the suggestions. Glad you are enjoying this story. Stay tuned. Much more to come. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Kooky Clown
So the story continues to mystify as it proceeds what can we expect next except more tension and mystery it seems to be more in each instalment Good work again.
reply by the author on 28-May-2016
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So the story continues to mystify as it proceeds what can we expect next except more tension and mystery it seems to be more in each instalment Good work again.
Comment Written 27-May-2016
reply by the author on 28-May-2016
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Glad you are enjoying this mystery book of mine. Much more to come.
Comment from Sankey
Seems I missed this chapter. maybe you are getting two a day on here? Anyway another good read. Looking forward to some more soon. Just one spag for ya. office door Sheriff Daniels(') mind
reply by the author on 28-May-2016
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Seems I missed this chapter. maybe you are getting two a day on here? Anyway another good read. Looking forward to some more soon. Just one spag for ya. office door Sheriff Daniels(') mind
Comment Written 27-May-2016
reply by the author on 28-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Much more to come. So stay tuned.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Still with you and very interested in what happens.
As a reader I can see the peoples response but I know the background is yet to be written.
Very good and very real
reply by the author on 28-May-2016
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Still with you and very interested in what happens.
As a reader I can see the peoples response but I know the background is yet to be written.
Very good and very real
Comment Written 26-May-2016
reply by the author on 28-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from robyn corum
Brett,
Though this was a short chapter, it looks like a an interesting story. I do have a couple of tiny items to share with you though, if you don't mind?
1.) The situation with who my mysterious relative is that demanded I be returned to him has me perplexed.
--> IMHO, this sentence is quite convoluted and could use some simplification?
2.) Please be careful about TELLING your readers instead of SHOWING them. When you use phrases like:
--> "Shut up!" Tommy responded dejectedly. --> you are TELLING the reader what to see, hear and think, instead of SHOWING them the info and letting them figure it out on their own (much preferred.) A better choice:
--> "Shut up!" Tommy said, hanging his head.
or:
--> (instead of:) Sheepishly the reporter replied, "All my life." (try:)
--> Tommy's cheeks grew pink while he kicked the ground. "All my life."
See what I'm saying? LEt me know if you revise, please.
Good luck!
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Brett,
Though this was a short chapter, it looks like a an interesting story. I do have a couple of tiny items to share with you though, if you don't mind?
1.) The situation with who my mysterious relative is that demanded I be returned to him has me perplexed.
--> IMHO, this sentence is quite convoluted and could use some simplification?
2.) Please be careful about TELLING your readers instead of SHOWING them. When you use phrases like:
--> "Shut up!" Tommy responded dejectedly. --> you are TELLING the reader what to see, hear and think, instead of SHOWING them the info and letting them figure it out on their own (much preferred.) A better choice:
--> "Shut up!" Tommy said, hanging his head.
or:
--> (instead of:) Sheepishly the reporter replied, "All my life." (try:)
--> Tommy's cheeks grew pink while he kicked the ground. "All my life."
See what I'm saying? LEt me know if you revise, please.
Good luck!
Comment Written 26-May-2016
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Appreciate the suggestions. I did some revising of this chapter. Stay tuned. Much more to come. Your comments, support, and recommendations appreciated.
Comment from candyfink
Brett, this is an interesting story, I think you are on the right track on how the storyline is developing ................I look forward to reading to your other writings.
reply by the author on 28-May-2016
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Brett, this is an interesting story, I think you are on the right track on how the storyline is developing ................I look forward to reading to your other writings.
Comment Written 26-May-2016
reply by the author on 28-May-2016
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Glad you are enjoying this story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Brett,
This is another great chapter although when I was reading, it seemed to me that I had read it before. Either I'm right or I'm really not remembering right. Such is the life of an OLD lady. LOL
Kat
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Hi Brett,
This is another great chapter although when I was reading, it seemed to me that I had read it before. Either I'm right or I'm really not remembering right. Such is the life of an OLD lady. LOL
Kat
Comment Written 26-May-2016
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Glad you are enjoying. Much more to come.
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Hi Brett,
I can hardly wait to read more.
Kat
Comment from AnnieDawn
I enjoyed reading your story chapter. The characters are interesting and I like short chapters so this book would fit nicely in my library. I agree with your choice of picture for Cody. It is a great freckle faced, freshly scrubbed kid you want to go straight and stay out of trouble. Great job.
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
|
I enjoyed reading your story chapter. The characters are interesting and I like short chapters so this book would fit nicely in my library. I agree with your choice of picture for Cody. It is a great freckle faced, freshly scrubbed kid you want to go straight and stay out of trouble. Great job.
Comment Written 26-May-2016
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
-
Glad you are enjoying this story. Your comments and support appreciated.
