To Last Forever
Viewing comments for Chapter 38 "Count On"Poems by Michael
28 total reviews
Comment from Hayley Solomon
Well done, that had enough transparency to be enjoyable and clever.
Lovely lingering phrases with good imagery.
I would still use fuller sentences, perhaps,but that is just taste.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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Well done, that had enough transparency to be enjoyable and clever.
Lovely lingering phrases with good imagery.
I would still use fuller sentences, perhaps,but that is just taste.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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hm....well so would I. However...this is some kind of crazy ass form...i cant remember anymore. and those arw the structured syllable count. I still feel it...and love the song.
you know Haley...the other one....could be just guy reflecting from youth on. Why do some folk....have to have absolute meaning in my poetry...? what does...? in your life...what is absolute...definite...? what couldn't and in fact doesn't change...? are you "sure" everyday, in every moment...? No...so why do I have to write...like we do...? love to you...michael
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everybody wants to figure it out... to find the treasure at the end. a paint by number charted course. when in fact reality is not. Some find the treasure is found in the journey. goodnight-
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You don't have to be absolute or definite. Your poems all have wonderful cadence and rhythms and are beautifully crafted. I don't mean to insult, only suggest. As a fellow professional poet and author (I am assuming that you are, like me, in real life a professional writer, you certainly write well above the average) I was trying to be constructive not destructive. It is a given that the poetry is good, but it can be better. I value the good advice of other obviously top writers on this site (and I am sure you will agree that while the majority are slightly below par, or amateur, there are some extraordinarily talented writers here as well) Just another eye, another viewpoint... a raising of the bar to keep us stretched. Don't take offence, just possibly give thought or some small credence to another view. You write lyrically, but sometimes because of the roll on phrases, scarcity of conjunctives and intense personal clarity, the meaning is incoherently conveyed to the external reader. (Of course, it may be, as you suggest, that I am merely obtuse,in which case feel free to ignore my comments!) I think it is a shame, though,because your words have power and thought and intent.
This is not random wok, it is good work and should shine a its absolute optimum. All the best to you.
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"in real life"......ahhaha....oh you mean what do I do to sustain things...of course......I'm a laborer...I work with my hands and my head....just like Jesus....-smile-........I've read you Haley. and was impressed...but not enough to give you card-blanch control of "good" and "bad" poetry......so if you think ...you can make this "better"....prove it.....I give you permission to try. love Michael..
Comment from Ronni
Hello Michael
A new venture for you this kind of poem, enterprising and enchanting.
Imagery and lines merge into theme and tone in tenacious and tender
romantic promise embraced reassuringly in the repetitive assurance,
"I wait for you". Great presentation. Sounds like loved one is well
worth waiting for. Thanks for sharing. Loved the read and song video.
Always, Ronni
reply by the author on 28-May-2016
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Hello Michael
A new venture for you this kind of poem, enterprising and enchanting.
Imagery and lines merge into theme and tone in tenacious and tender
romantic promise embraced reassuringly in the repetitive assurance,
"I wait for you". Great presentation. Sounds like loved one is well
worth waiting for. Thanks for sharing. Loved the read and song video.
Always, Ronni
Comment Written 28-May-2016
reply by the author on 28-May-2016
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Hello Heavenly vision...-smile-
yea well ventures begin and end in ignorance and wisdom.
I found I dont like poetry that makes head hurt as much as the other kind....mine. thank you for checking on me. All real love is...worth everything. Love to you...michael
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Well said, and quite understandable
viewpoint and reflection. Last
comment so very true indeed!
Thank you for the thoughtful reply.
You just keep on writing the kind
of 'awesome' posts all along, and
leave the headaches to those that
don't understand or can't do better.
smile/love/always/ Ronni
Comment from Ima L. Ami
This is so sad! It made me want to cry. I love the reference to the hobo's rainbow. You should have entered this in the alone contest; it feels so lonely while you're just waiting for your true love to return :) Excellent!
reply by the author on 26-May-2016
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This is so sad! It made me want to cry. I love the reference to the hobo's rainbow. You should have entered this in the alone contest; it feels so lonely while you're just waiting for your true love to return :) Excellent!
Comment Written 26-May-2016
reply by the author on 26-May-2016
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It depends on you look at it Sue.
it could be seen as the greater Love.
one in which is shadow aware incomprehensible dependable. right...? -smile-...love Michael
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Afternoon, Michael,
It's good to read you again. I like this poem and where you've taken it. It has soul and paints a lovely visuals for the reader to enjoy. Some phrasing I particularly liked include:
Autumn's last leaf's surrender
alive in a hobo's rainbow
set shades of true
May I speak to the technical aspects of the poem?
You have the right number of lines, 16, but they should be grouped into two stanzas of 8 lines each in order to be compliant with the form.
The iambics are spot-on in lines 2, 4, 8, 10, 13, 14, 15 & 16. The other lines are metrically off. I'll be glad to help you with those lines if you wish.
The rhymes work well except in the following lines:
Ls 1 & 3: pure does not rhyme with surrender / color / together. Pure's vowel sound is different from the other three.
I did find a few SPAGS and offer some suggested corrections as shown in [ ] within the text of your poem.
come Autumn[']s last leaf[']s surrender
I wait for you
solemn sworn promise[,] safe as pure
keeps rendezvous
alive in a hobo's rainbow
carried over shoulder[,] hopeful
precious cargo of follow through
I wait for you
forever ready in color
set shades of true
picturesque us put together
distance adieu
though seasons borrow dangerous
from time balanced precarious
eternal patient hitherto...
I wait for you
Please let me know if you make edits and I'll be glad to return and review again.
-Ray
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reply by the author on 26-May-2016
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Good Afternoon, Michael,
It's good to read you again. I like this poem and where you've taken it. It has soul and paints a lovely visuals for the reader to enjoy. Some phrasing I particularly liked include:
Autumn's last leaf's surrender
alive in a hobo's rainbow
set shades of true
May I speak to the technical aspects of the poem?
You have the right number of lines, 16, but they should be grouped into two stanzas of 8 lines each in order to be compliant with the form.
The iambics are spot-on in lines 2, 4, 8, 10, 13, 14, 15 & 16. The other lines are metrically off. I'll be glad to help you with those lines if you wish.
The rhymes work well except in the following lines:
Ls 1 & 3: pure does not rhyme with surrender / color / together. Pure's vowel sound is different from the other three.
I did find a few SPAGS and offer some suggested corrections as shown in [ ] within the text of your poem.
come Autumn[']s last leaf[']s surrender
I wait for you
solemn sworn promise[,] safe as pure
keeps rendezvous
alive in a hobo's rainbow
carried over shoulder[,] hopeful
precious cargo of follow through
I wait for you
forever ready in color
set shades of true
picturesque us put together
distance adieu
though seasons borrow dangerous
from time balanced precarious
eternal patient hitherto...
I wait for you
Please let me know if you make edits and I'll be glad to return and review again.
-Ray
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-May-2016
reply by the author on 26-May-2016
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Hey Ray...-smile-
I read your poem also...it was a very good read.
I've known you since I joined just about and I have to assume you know me as much if not more. The way you have approached me has turned me completely off and I barely got past your initial introduction. I've contacted you privately about this...and attrition has not worn away my position on this....if you want to teach me...do it with respect. love Michael
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Dear Michael,
Please help me understand how I was disrespectful to you with my review. I surely meant no respect. I just wanted to offer you a balanced, honest review with an offer to help you with meter.
I look forward to hearing from you.
-Ray
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you already have...you ruined it Ray. In reality I dont like to do other peoples forms...but I was having fun playing around with some...now i think i'll leave it to you perfectionists in other peoples forms. thanks-...
Comment from Gloria ....
Aw Michael this is such a beautiful poem of dedication to a loved one yet to be united. The repeating line I wait for you is written in perfect iambic meter and it's a statement of strength and not demand which is the way love should be, right? Your imagery is stunning and authentic and "alive in a hobo's rainbow" is a terrific line and brilliantly poetic as is the entire piece.
I think you've done a fabulous job and the meter is something we can work on if you're interested.
In the meantime all I have to say is YeeeeeEEEEEsssss, your wrote your first Octogram!
And we're getting ready for the Potlatch.
Fine job my dear,
Gloria
reply by the author on 26-May-2016
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Aw Michael this is such a beautiful poem of dedication to a loved one yet to be united. The repeating line I wait for you is written in perfect iambic meter and it's a statement of strength and not demand which is the way love should be, right? Your imagery is stunning and authentic and "alive in a hobo's rainbow" is a terrific line and brilliantly poetic as is the entire piece.
I think you've done a fabulous job and the meter is something we can work on if you're interested.
In the meantime all I have to say is YeeeeeEEEEEsssss, your wrote your first Octogram!
And we're getting ready for the Potlatch.
Fine job my dear,
Gloria
Comment Written 26-May-2016
reply by the author on 26-May-2016
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-smile-...meter...? I'd love too-
my place say ten fifteen minutes work for you...?
you offered...I'm not being pushy...its okay...ahhaha
you're being nice too....I sense you're being delicate in critique...and I got to tell you it turns me on. -smile-...thank you for being gentle. I did read any annoying meter in yours...why do I have to have it...why is never enough...haha...love ya Michael
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I didn't...didn't read any annoying meter...is what I meant to say...of course....da
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I understood completely so no worries. I rarely see a reason to be harsh and on those very few occasions where I have seen it (I can remember all of them by the way) there's a good reason.
Comment from michaelcahill
What the heck? I'll be boiled in oil. This is just awesome, Michael. A beautiful piece of poetry. AND it's a goldarn octogram. HAHAHA! Now what? You've written something beautiful in a structured piece.
This is near perfect. Maybe some might want a more daDum daDum with the meter, but I'm having a smooth read myself. I'm giving "precious" three syllables because that's how I'd sing it. Others might say two, you could put "a" in front of it to shut 'em up. CRITICS!
But, hey, this is just killer, my friend. I'd better do one myself or I'M going to have the red face. LOL love, mikey
reply by the author on 26-May-2016
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What the heck? I'll be boiled in oil. This is just awesome, Michael. A beautiful piece of poetry. AND it's a goldarn octogram. HAHAHA! Now what? You've written something beautiful in a structured piece.
This is near perfect. Maybe some might want a more daDum daDum with the meter, but I'm having a smooth read myself. I'm giving "precious" three syllables because that's how I'd sing it. Others might say two, you could put "a" in front of it to shut 'em up. CRITICS!
But, hey, this is just killer, my friend. I'd better do one myself or I'M going to have the red face. LOL love, mikey
Comment Written 26-May-2016
reply by the author on 26-May-2016
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for real...? just one mistake...?...-headshake-...thats just not possible...haha...what do you mean ba da bump ba...? Jesus...do you realize every first and second sentence is structured...and rhyme in some -handtwirl- chaotic set pattern. I read Gloria turtle poem at least twenty five times to get a feel for this....I'm exhausted man. I've run marathons less strenuios seriously...i'm just kidding. Your just being nice right...my bump bumps aint right are they...? haha...love ya man Michael
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I changed it to sometime...thanks Mav-
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LOL. Don't call me that. HAHAHA!! Well, okay.
Too funny.
I led you astray.
That line was okay. I was talking about this line:
precious cargo's follow through
See? just needs and "a" or "my" at the beginning or a syllable somewhere. That's why I was saying I would sing it pre ci ous as three.
Sorry, I should've been more scholarly like the syllable police. LOL
I still love it, syllable or no syllable. mikey
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no I changed it...its imporatent to me that o get it at least half right Mike....c'mon...haha....thanks man-
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Ahhh. It's perfect now. We're doing the meter thing in our little world. Feel free to check it out. It only took me a year and a half to learn it. HAHAHA! I got sick of the sonnet people saying we free versers couldn't write a sonnet. So, I showed them. HA! Anyway, check it out. This is killer, no lie. mikey
Comment from rspoet
Interesting imagery of seasons, waiting, patience
That last leaf can be very persistent
patience
eventually color
waiting for together
complete
And Bruce will sing
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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Interesting imagery of seasons, waiting, patience
That last leaf can be very persistent
patience
eventually color
waiting for together
complete
And Bruce will sing
Comment Written 25-May-2016
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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alright...maybe we can form a band...-smile-...well thanks man. Appreciate the thought. love Michael
Comment from AnnaLinda
Mike,
I enjoyed reading your exquisite love poem.
Your form is so individual and always unique.
I think your repeating line: "I wait for you"
says it all.
Lovely,
Linda
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reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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Mike,
I enjoyed reading your exquisite love poem.
Your form is so individual and always unique.
I think your repeating line: "I wait for you"
says it all.
Lovely,
Linda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-May-2016
reply by the author on 25-May-2016
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Oh God...this is supposed to be the "octagon"...Godzilla of Poetic form...lol...ah not even close huh...? well I got a tell ya...i like my way better....this one hurts. ahaha...thank you Sweetheart....I had to give it a shot. love Michael
