The Board Room Meeting
Resentment26 total reviews
Comment from Word Junkie
Hi Ulla,
I believe you and I have passed the introduction stage, and you know I like your prose, or I wouldn't review your submissions as frequently as I do, so let's get right to it. As always, this is one opinion. You are the last and best judge of what you've written. Anything encased in [brackets,] with no additional note, is wordiness, and can safely be omitted.
she'd hated it from [insert "the"] word go.
However, she'd always insisted to be addressed as Charlie, and it'd stuck. Now everybody called her that, even her husband. Speaking of whom, had to be woken up.
However, she'd always insisted that others address her as Charlie, and the nickname stuck. Now, everyone called her that, even her husband. Thinking of him made her realize she needed to wake him. ***Note: "Speaking of whom" is awkward, as no one in this scene is speaking.
Touching his shoulder she could feel him stirring. ***Try ... Touching his shoulder, she felt him stirring. "Could feel" is passive.
He turned around [in the bed] and gazed at her with an appreciative look.
The drive into the office was quick ***Driving "into" the office might kill her, suggest "to."
She pressed the ninth floor that would take her straight ***Pressing the ninth floor might also be tricky. Try ... She pressed nine. That would take her...
She approached the door to the meeting room[comma needed here] and after a slight hesitation opened the door.
A back slicker if she'd ever come across one. ***Hmm ... I've never heard this expression, "back slicker." Consider ass kisser, or brown-noser.
David, the MD and Charlie's boss, stood at the end of the table when she entered. He greeted her as [the] protocol demanded, but he would rather have been without her presence. His dislike for her was immense, and couldn't for his life see that a woman had any business in a job let alone in a boardroom. In his opinion, a woman belonged in the home, and whatever that entailed, but of course, in todays [today's] world that opinion wouldn't be tolerated, so he'd had to hire the pompous bitch. ***Ulla, this paragraph contains too much tell, and not enough show. Your later paragraph make the animosity between these colleagues obvious, but if you keep this, let us see David's dislike of Charlie, rather than telling us about it. For instance ... He greeted her as protocol demanded, but his stiff demeanor suggested that his greeting was perfunctory, rather than genuine. (Something like that.) Also, if David's antiquated views relating to women in the workplace are relevant to the story, let us "see" them, rather than hearing about them. Maybe he could make a snide remark to one of his colleagues after she exits the room.
to the board of Directors, so there'll [there will--she's a professional, and there'll is sloppy] be no way of hiding ***No part of "board of directors" needs capitalization unless the company name is included; i.e., Smithfield Farm's Board of Directors
This is the twenty first century ***twenty-first
We're as well educated as you are or perhaps even better so. Ditto to you Paul. ***We're as well-educated as you, or perhaps more so. Ditto to you, Paul.
With that, Charlie left the room[insert comma] her head held high.
She sensed[insert comma] rather than saw[insert comma] the astonished expressions on David's and Paul's faces.
Okay, Ulla, that's it. This is a great chapter, and nit-picking is not my intent, but often showing is easier than telling. Believe me when I tell you that I wouldn't waste my time on reviews like this if I didn't believe a story was publishable.
Well done, and write on!
Lana
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Hi Ulla,
I believe you and I have passed the introduction stage, and you know I like your prose, or I wouldn't review your submissions as frequently as I do, so let's get right to it. As always, this is one opinion. You are the last and best judge of what you've written. Anything encased in [brackets,] with no additional note, is wordiness, and can safely be omitted.
she'd hated it from [insert "the"] word go.
However, she'd always insisted to be addressed as Charlie, and it'd stuck. Now everybody called her that, even her husband. Speaking of whom, had to be woken up.
However, she'd always insisted that others address her as Charlie, and the nickname stuck. Now, everyone called her that, even her husband. Thinking of him made her realize she needed to wake him. ***Note: "Speaking of whom" is awkward, as no one in this scene is speaking.
Touching his shoulder she could feel him stirring. ***Try ... Touching his shoulder, she felt him stirring. "Could feel" is passive.
He turned around [in the bed] and gazed at her with an appreciative look.
The drive into the office was quick ***Driving "into" the office might kill her, suggest "to."
She pressed the ninth floor that would take her straight ***Pressing the ninth floor might also be tricky. Try ... She pressed nine. That would take her...
She approached the door to the meeting room[comma needed here] and after a slight hesitation opened the door.
A back slicker if she'd ever come across one. ***Hmm ... I've never heard this expression, "back slicker." Consider ass kisser, or brown-noser.
David, the MD and Charlie's boss, stood at the end of the table when she entered. He greeted her as [the] protocol demanded, but he would rather have been without her presence. His dislike for her was immense, and couldn't for his life see that a woman had any business in a job let alone in a boardroom. In his opinion, a woman belonged in the home, and whatever that entailed, but of course, in todays [today's] world that opinion wouldn't be tolerated, so he'd had to hire the pompous bitch. ***Ulla, this paragraph contains too much tell, and not enough show. Your later paragraph make the animosity between these colleagues obvious, but if you keep this, let us see David's dislike of Charlie, rather than telling us about it. For instance ... He greeted her as protocol demanded, but his stiff demeanor suggested that his greeting was perfunctory, rather than genuine. (Something like that.) Also, if David's antiquated views relating to women in the workplace are relevant to the story, let us "see" them, rather than hearing about them. Maybe he could make a snide remark to one of his colleagues after she exits the room.
to the board of Directors, so there'll [there will--she's a professional, and there'll is sloppy] be no way of hiding ***No part of "board of directors" needs capitalization unless the company name is included; i.e., Smithfield Farm's Board of Directors
This is the twenty first century ***twenty-first
We're as well educated as you are or perhaps even better so. Ditto to you Paul. ***We're as well-educated as you, or perhaps more so. Ditto to you, Paul.
With that, Charlie left the room[insert comma] her head held high.
She sensed[insert comma] rather than saw[insert comma] the astonished expressions on David's and Paul's faces.
Okay, Ulla, that's it. This is a great chapter, and nit-picking is not my intent, but often showing is easier than telling. Believe me when I tell you that I wouldn't waste my time on reviews like this if I didn't believe a story was publishable.
Well done, and write on!
Lana
Comment Written 30-May-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for your great review and suggestions. I have made changes and I hope it reads better now. I'm very please with your feed back. Thanks a lot again. All the best. Ulla:))
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You're welcome. I take great pleasure from reading your fiction.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Ulla
= I happened onto this, it did't come to my in box. Hmmmm.
= Glad I found it. Good story. Definitely nailed the resentment part.
<> Need comma.
= "Thanks(,) Sweetie, see you later."
= business in a job(,) let alone in a boardroom
* * A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down * *
Cheers â?¦ Jacqueline / Jax
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Hi, Ulla
= I happened onto this, it did't come to my in box. Hmmmm.
= Glad I found it. Good story. Definitely nailed the resentment part.
<> Need comma.
= "Thanks(,) Sweetie, see you later."
= business in a job(,) let alone in a boardroom
* * A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down * *
Cheers â?¦ Jacqueline / Jax
Comment Written 30-May-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Hi Jax, I think I know why it didn't go to your inbox. It was a blind contest entry, and as it did well I decided to promote it. So I think that's the reason. Anyway, thanks a lot for the review and I made the changes. When will I ever get those commas right? Sigh! Don't know what I would do without all the help I'm getting. I am learning though, but still get it wrong. Cheers. Ulla:)))
Comment from DonandVicki
Good for you Ulla, I have always thought that women are much smarter in business than men and your short story made this clear.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Good for you Ulla, I have always thought that women are much smarter in business than men and your short story made this clear.
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Hi Don, thanks so much for this. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Mabaker
Well, well. Charlie certainly changed. In the first paragraph she came across as a woman in a mans world, nervous about the upcoming meeting. So the reader (me) felt sympathy for her, then wow! Once she's in the boardroom she hits the two men right between the eyes. Good story I didn't see the punch line coming Regards Mabaker.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Well, well. Charlie certainly changed. In the first paragraph she came across as a woman in a mans world, nervous about the upcoming meeting. So the reader (me) felt sympathy for her, then wow! Once she's in the boardroom she hits the two men right between the eyes. Good story I didn't see the punch line coming Regards Mabaker.
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Hi Mabaker, thanks a lot for this great review. I'm so glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Ulla, after reading this story, I have felt that if a woman could do the job, then she belonged. I had lived and worked in Las Vegas and worked in the casinos there. I started at the bottom and slowly worked my way up the ladder.
After 7 years, I worked my way up to the position of shift manager with a hand picked assistant. I ran the largest of the three shifts with the most dealers, floor supervisors and pit clerks. In my floor supervisors, I had the cream of the crop. Experience, and customer service.
Like Charlie, I had two people that I despised. One was a know it all boss who lacked common sense and the other was a guy who had the same title as I had. Our monthly meetings would always be contentious as I was always in the middle spewing my anger directed toward these two. Always felt good after these meetings. So thank you for the ride down memory road.
Very well thought out with the most excellent dialogue and interactions.
Take care and enjoy the day my friend.
reply by the author on 31-May-2016
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Ulla, after reading this story, I have felt that if a woman could do the job, then she belonged. I had lived and worked in Las Vegas and worked in the casinos there. I started at the bottom and slowly worked my way up the ladder.
After 7 years, I worked my way up to the position of shift manager with a hand picked assistant. I ran the largest of the three shifts with the most dealers, floor supervisors and pit clerks. In my floor supervisors, I had the cream of the crop. Experience, and customer service.
Like Charlie, I had two people that I despised. One was a know it all boss who lacked common sense and the other was a guy who had the same title as I had. Our monthly meetings would always be contentious as I was always in the middle spewing my anger directed toward these two. Always felt good after these meetings. So thank you for the ride down memory road.
Very well thought out with the most excellent dialogue and interactions.
Take care and enjoy the day my friend.
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 31-May-2016
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Ahh, you made my day. Thanks so much, and for the awesome six. I'm so pleased.So you know exactly what I'm talking about!
All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Seems like she let male chauvinism have it with both barrels in this well written story than indicates women and are just good as men in the business world.
Should be a good contest entry.
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Seems like she let male chauvinism have it with both barrels in this well written story than indicates women and are just good as men in the business world.
Should be a good contest entry.
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Thanks so much. Brett. As I said in my notes it's not a contest anymore. Did well. Came third. Thanks again. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Wow, Ulla! That was brilliant! It's something a lot of women would love to do to their bosses. This was perfectly written and the lead up told us nothing really about what Charlie was going to do. Perfection at it's best. Well done, my friend and good luck in the contest! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 31-May-2016
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Wow, Ulla! That was brilliant! It's something a lot of women would love to do to their bosses. This was perfectly written and the lead up told us nothing really about what Charlie was going to do. Perfection at it's best. Well done, my friend and good luck in the contest! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 31-May-2016
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Ahh Sandra, what more can I ask for. This is high praise indeed and thanks ever so much. Love Ulla xxx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Ulla,
A good piece this and you handled the confrontation well at the end. I'm not normally a fan of the omnipresent narrator but you did it well.
A few bits & pieces-
slid out of the bed as not to disturb - so as not to.
Talking of whom -speaking of whom is the more familiar term. Although if she'd reset the alarm would she not have set it for him? Or failing that just left it to wake him as normal (as she was half an hour early).
as there was hardly any traffic at this time - there are mixed tenses here. I think it should be that morning, otherwise was would be is making it present tense when it's past tense.
where the board room - boardroom.
after a slight hesitation she opened the door - you could delete 'she' from this line.
Another thing to consider is the language used in dialogue. It sounds quite formal all the time because you rarely use contractions.
end of the table when she entered, He greeted her - should either be a full stop after entered or lower case 'h' for he.
in todays world that opinion - today's.
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Hi Ulla,
A good piece this and you handled the confrontation well at the end. I'm not normally a fan of the omnipresent narrator but you did it well.
A few bits & pieces-
slid out of the bed as not to disturb - so as not to.
Talking of whom -speaking of whom is the more familiar term. Although if she'd reset the alarm would she not have set it for him? Or failing that just left it to wake him as normal (as she was half an hour early).
as there was hardly any traffic at this time - there are mixed tenses here. I think it should be that morning, otherwise was would be is making it present tense when it's past tense.
where the board room - boardroom.
after a slight hesitation she opened the door - you could delete 'she' from this line.
Another thing to consider is the language used in dialogue. It sounds quite formal all the time because you rarely use contractions.
end of the table when she entered, He greeted her - should either be a full stop after entered or lower case 'h' for he.
in todays world that opinion - today's.
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 29-May-2016
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Hi G, thanks a lot for this great review, and I've made the changes. Will I ever get it right? sigh. Only joking. You're so spot on with the dialogue and I've made the changes. As usual thanks for a great review. You've taught me a lot over time. All the best. Ulla:)))
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Nobody gets it right! LOL That's why there's editors and proof readers. We just have to make do with each other.
All the best
G
Comment from chasennov
Resentment. The Board Room Meeting. I thought you had done an excellent job describing the boardroom situation with the presence of resentment towards each other. It seems to me you can take this scenario a lot further if this was your own creation. Over time I've read quite a bit of your work, Ulla. I think you can conjure up a very believable story if you put your mind to it. If you have done any work towards publishing, you should start polishing it. You have the mettle to becoming an author. Very well done. Oh, if you're serious about publishing, do your own story construction. Try not to do other people's prompts. They just waist your valuable time. Kind regards.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Resentment. The Board Room Meeting. I thought you had done an excellent job describing the boardroom situation with the presence of resentment towards each other. It seems to me you can take this scenario a lot further if this was your own creation. Over time I've read quite a bit of your work, Ulla. I think you can conjure up a very believable story if you put your mind to it. If you have done any work towards publishing, you should start polishing it. You have the mettle to becoming an author. Very well done. Oh, if you're serious about publishing, do your own story construction. Try not to do other people's prompts. They just waist your valuable time. Kind regards.
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thanks so much for the great review and comments. I so appreciate the stars. Thanks again. All the best. Ulla:))
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You are most welcome.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Wow, now that was a powerful story! I love the way Charlie stood up to the men and held her ground.
But, before that, I loved, even more, your descriptions of the attitudes of the three people in the room. That was classic!
I couldn't even tell it was a contest entry until the end.
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Wow, now that was a powerful story! I love the way Charlie stood up to the men and held her ground.
But, before that, I loved, even more, your descriptions of the attitudes of the three people in the room. That was classic!
I couldn't even tell it was a contest entry until the end.
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 29-May-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much Rhonda. So glad you liked it. I might continue this story. All the best. Ulla:)))
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I think you should keep the story going!
