Comment from candyfink

Excellent

At the end of the poem, I got the message we should all live in peace and make sure our actions speak of peace. Thank you for sharing.

 Comment Written 18-May-2016

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reply by the author on 19-May-2016

Thanks, Candy. Yes, peace is good - though there doesn't seem to be too much of it around these days. Best wishes, Tony.

Comment from Dickleeshia

Excellent

The name says it all!
Free flowing verses...
Fast paced.
Hyperventilating.
Engaging.
Arresting.
Well thought out composition.

Creative concept. Innovative approach. Imaginative presentation.

Thanks for choosing my photo out of the thousands possible supplementary "backdrop"!
I'm greatly honored but still deeply humbled...

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 18-May-2016

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reply by the author on 18-May-2016

What a lovely review, Dickson! So much appreciated. I was much taken by your photograph and some others of yours on the website. My daughter is also a photographer. Best wishes, Tony

reply by Dickleeshia on 10-Jun-2016

You're most welcome, Tony! Please feel free to scan my page for possible photo supplements of your works...

Comment from rama devi

Exceptional

Second review

What an OUTSTANDING pitch perfect read. You'd make a brilliant actor, my friend. I loved hearing your accent and how you amde your voice echo the subject and tone of each line so perfectly. HIGHLY IMPRESSED!!!


Six stars on the performance part!~


First review (SIX STARS)

What an innovative approach to the love poem contest: love of words. Brilliant and expressive. I love the originality and voicing. Good free verse flow and style. Fine presentation. I love how it closes on an ending note of PEACE. So many fantastic stand-out phrases.

Favorite remarkable lines (in order of appearance--with applause for all and *standing ovation* for some--indicated by * marks):


in the close juxtaposition
of sound and echo

*the heartbeats of the firmament?*

Are they your children,
innocent, playful, incongruous,
dressed in gingham frocks?


of medieval beauty and verbal foreplay,
or do they stammer like a palpitating heart
that's long on passion, short on art?

the long lascivious flow of fornication?


BRILLIANT rhymed wit:

Do they talk and pray
or stalk and prey?


*a firefly hunt in forest gloaming,
rustling through an alliteration of leaves*

LOL
or do they wallow like thesaurus wrecks,
drowning in seas of dead language,

Nice word play on two types of SIRENs.

LOVE THIS STANZA:

Do they conjugate and sing,
stretch the syntax of the known
to seek new fields in which to lie
watching leaves spin, and wonder why
such life of pulsing green
should turn vermillion and scream
against the storm,


spell check is underlining vermilion saying it has just one 'l'. May be a UK/US thing.

I think your punctuation choices sculpt the cadences of the poem well. My only spag suggestion (optional) is to use a gerund here:

to seek new fields in which to lie
watching leaves spin, and wonder why


to seek new fields in which to lie
watching leaves spin, and wondering why


Needless to say, I enjoyed the nuances of poetic devices deftly woven in...with finesse and mastery...too many to note them all.

Impressed!

Enjoyed immensely!~

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 18-May-2016

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reply by the author on 19-May-2016

Very many thanks for another stellar view - in both senses! LOL I think you are probably right about 'vermilion', considering its derivation from the French 'vermeil'. I understand that both spellings are acceptable, but I shall change it in deference to francophiles! However, I shall keep 'wonder' for its run-on sense into the next line. I have read your most recent posting, loved it, but am a bit behind with my reviewing at present. Best wishes, Tony

reply by the author on 19-May-2016

I've just tried my hand at putting a sound file with this, RD. What do you think? Does it add, or detract? I realised when recording that you were absolutely right about the gerund! It flows much better with it! I've also changed 'assonance' to 'sibilance' and made a couple of other minor adjustments to punctuation to improve the flow.

reply by rama devi on 19-May-2016

Thanks for your gracious responses to my reviews, Tony...and yes, I am also behind in reviewing and may be that way all year, as I'll be less active here. Anyway, thanks for your welcome back.

I'll hear the sound file a bit later and respond...just have only a few moments now.

Best, rd

reply by rama devi on 19-May-2016

WOWWWWWW!~!!


Incredibly impressed by your amazing acting agility in reading this poem so perfectly so that the performance echoes the substance and tone of each line and so masterfully at that. Love your accent and enunciation as well. You're brilliant! So gifted. My mom, who starred in Broadway plays, will love hearing this (when I get a chance to share it with her).

Bravo

Kudos.

Much esteem,
rd

reply by rama devi on 19-May-2016

PS--made a second review...

reply by the author on 19-May-2016

:-)

reply by rama devi on 19-May-2016

Had no thumbs left...but next month, one had your name on it.

Comment from lancellot

Exceptional

Excellent, The love of anything held within will always be just below the surface, dying to get out. I think you have a winner here.

 Comment Written 18-May-2016

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reply by the author on 18-May-2016

Thank you so much for this, Lancellot - the six stars, of course, but more especially your kind words accompanying them. Best wishes, Tony

Comment from Pantygynt

Exceptional

This contest has inspired at least two unusual entries that I have seen, yours and Cat's, neither being the normal sort of thing.

This is great, a real wordsmith's love affair. Not only is it a clever concept but a wqell-flowing piece of free verse into the bargain.

 Comment Written 18-May-2016

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reply by the author on 19-May-2016

Thanks, Jim. I particularly appreciate your kind words and six stars, as I was somewhat out of my comfort zone with this one and unsure how it might be received. Best wishes, as always. Tony.

reply by the author on 19-May-2016

I've just tried my hand at putting a sound file with this, Jim. As an undisputed expert in the field, what do you think? Does it add, or detract?

reply by Pantygynt on 19-May-2016

I liked it and thought that it added. But not every poet is good at reading their own stuff. You vary your delivery according to what the words are saying at that instant. Some keep up a steady flat delivery which I want to get rid of. I say keep it. Some won't like it OK they can turn it off. Personally I say keep it.

reply by the author on 19-May-2016

Flat would definitely kill it. I always shudder a bit when I hear my disembodied voice - odd how different it sounds. Thanks for listening and your response.

reply by Pantygynt on 19-May-2016

there is one who does a lot of readings but always sounds the same. Lol.

reply by the author on 19-May-2016

I think I know who you mean. There is often a deadening similarity in the cadences of his poems.

reply by Pantygynt on 19-May-2016

Uh huh.

Comment from Mary Wakeford

Exceptional

Marvelous! As a newly committed writer, I read this more as a challenge to produce, especially with the following paragraph:

of sound and echo
in the halls of memory,
or do your words just lie
in the caves of unwritten desire?

Best if luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 18-May-2016

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reply by the author on 18-May-2016

Thank you so much for this, Mary - the six stars, of course, but more especially your kind words accompanying them. Best wishes, Tony

Comment from William Ross

Exceptional

Very good, wonderfully written the love of words and how we use them to what they mean. Great job on this wonderful piece, good luck on it, I think this should very well. have a great day

 Comment Written 18-May-2016

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reply by the author on 18-May-2016

Thank you so much for this, William - the six stars, of course, but more especially your kind words accompanying them. Best wishes, Tony

Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Exceptional

I have to go with a six because you made so much sense not only for the love poem contest but with all the unrest going on in fanstory, this really made the best sense of all. Words...can make or break, hurt or heal, depends on the reason given.
This is excellently done in content and meaning.

 Comment Written 18-May-2016

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reply by the author on 18-May-2016

Thank you so much for this, Barb - the six stars, of course, but more especially your kind words accompanying them. Best wishes, Tony