Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Warden's Bouquet"A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
9 total reviews
Comment from rmj09
The focus is a lesson leaned the hard way, not to ever forget.
The story line development: Cody is ashamed of his action at the barn. He never realized it would effect anyone else, putting graffiti on an old dilapidated barn. He knows now he'd never do that again, how he disappointed his guardian and the Sheriff.
The dialog shows how badly Cody feel as any child who knew better but was out for fun. The Sheriff comes across as a caring individual. The Deputy appears as a uncaring cruel man with a chip on his shoulder. The dialog is very real and makes you understand what is happening.
The story observes a young man who realizes he may have cooked his own goose.
The emotion felt devastated for Cody he was just being a stupid kid, not thinking. Critical over the deputies words for Cody.
Keep on writing
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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The focus is a lesson leaned the hard way, not to ever forget.
The story line development: Cody is ashamed of his action at the barn. He never realized it would effect anyone else, putting graffiti on an old dilapidated barn. He knows now he'd never do that again, how he disappointed his guardian and the Sheriff.
The dialog shows how badly Cody feel as any child who knew better but was out for fun. The Sheriff comes across as a caring individual. The Deputy appears as a uncaring cruel man with a chip on his shoulder. The dialog is very real and makes you understand what is happening.
The story observes a young man who realizes he may have cooked his own goose.
The emotion felt devastated for Cody he was just being a stupid kid, not thinking. Critical over the deputies words for Cody.
Keep on writing
Comment Written 21-May-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Tough love at its best.
Well written and the scenario unfolds with realism and in a timely fashion.
I like the constant simmering friction between Cody and the deputy.
I t promises more to come.
I found no issues with format, grammar or punctuation.
:-) Shirley
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Tough love at its best.
Well written and the scenario unfolds with realism and in a timely fashion.
I like the constant simmering friction between Cody and the deputy.
I t promises more to come.
I found no issues with format, grammar or punctuation.
:-) Shirley
Comment Written 20-May-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this part of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Yes, the story is realistic. Boys will be boys and they need to be pointed in the right direction or they will get into trouble. Cody has learned a lesson, but did Matt get off Scot free? He instigated the prank and provided the paint.Good job.
Nancy
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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Yes, the story is realistic. Boys will be boys and they need to be pointed in the right direction or they will get into trouble. Cody has learned a lesson, but did Matt get off Scot free? He instigated the prank and provided the paint.Good job.
Nancy
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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This portion of the story concludes in Jailbirds. You may wish to read that part of the story as well. Appreciate your comments and support. Stay tuned. Much more to come.
Comment from misscookie
Bravo another great read.
I'm glad I had a six star left.
You had my attention from the start and can't wait for another part.
Cookie
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Bravo another great read.
I'm glad I had a six star left.
You had my attention from the start and can't wait for another part.
Cookie
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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misscookie thank you very much. Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story.
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It was my pleasure.
Cookie
Comment from MizKat
Hi Bret,
I wrote something before that took me a long time to do so I hope it went through to you. You had written a line: "I am more interested in reviews that point out errors and weaknesses in my story." So I wrote what I thought. Did you get it?
In case you didn't receive the other one I told you instead of writing all your thoughts you should let people in the book do some talking. It makes it much more interesting. Then I wrote a few lines to show you what I meant.
The story was much different than the one you wrote here though. The whole thing was mostly about you talking.
MizKat
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Hi Bret,
I wrote something before that took me a long time to do so I hope it went through to you. You had written a line: "I am more interested in reviews that point out errors and weaknesses in my story." So I wrote what I thought. Did you get it?
In case you didn't receive the other one I told you instead of writing all your thoughts you should let people in the book do some talking. It makes it much more interesting. Then I wrote a few lines to show you what I meant.
The story was much different than the one you wrote here though. The whole thing was mostly about you talking.
MizKat
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Thanks for your input. Do keep your reviews coming. They are appreciated.
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Thanks Bret,
I'll keep my reviews coming.
Kat
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
The numbers were at the top for the chapters in this one. The last one for some reason were not there.
Yes, excellent tension and makes the waiting harder to discover the reason for the deputy exictence, I know he is planning something bad for some reason. That is the feel I get.
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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The numbers were at the top for the chapters in this one. The last one for some reason were not there.
Yes, excellent tension and makes the waiting harder to discover the reason for the deputy exictence, I know he is planning something bad for some reason. That is the feel I get.
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Stephanie Kastner
I'm enjoying the story so far, and like the comedy inside Cody's head. Just one small grammatical suggestion: "I'll be more than happy to run that one," Deputy Taylor said(,) pausing for dramatic effect. (I would add a comma here.) Keep it up! I'm sure there is a lot Cody's going to learn from his guardian.
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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I'm enjoying the story so far, and like the comedy inside Cody's head. Just one small grammatical suggestion: "I'll be more than happy to run that one," Deputy Taylor said(,) pausing for dramatic effect. (I would add a comma here.) Keep it up! I'm sure there is a lot Cody's going to learn from his guardian.
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Stay tuned. Much more to come.
Comment from mfowler
I really liked this chapter. The exposition of Cody's shame and the lesson being
taught by his foster father, comes across as very authentic. It is full of emotional
moments delivered in really nice ways. You're using dialogue effectively and
showing great understanding of how all the major players might feel in the
circumstances. I think you should consider changing those questions that appear
here and there, into internal questions actually posed by the characters. Simply
italicizes them and adjust the language. The story's developing well. A few SPAG suggestions below:
You don't need a colon between 'boy felt' and 'like a scolding'.
A comma will suffice.
repaint the barn...repainted
Silently he remained still...this is awkward...Try 'He remained silent and still.
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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I really liked this chapter. The exposition of Cody's shame and the lesson being
taught by his foster father, comes across as very authentic. It is full of emotional
moments delivered in really nice ways. You're using dialogue effectively and
showing great understanding of how all the major players might feel in the
circumstances. I think you should consider changing those questions that appear
here and there, into internal questions actually posed by the characters. Simply
italicizes them and adjust the language. The story's developing well. A few SPAG suggestions below:
You don't need a colon between 'boy felt' and 'like a scolding'.
A comma will suffice.
repaint the barn...repainted
Silently he remained still...this is awkward...Try 'He remained silent and still.
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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Appreciate the thoughtful insights you have provided. Keep them coming. Part Two of this section of the story is called Jailbirds. If you get a chance enjoy that one as well. Will post it today.
Comment from CivilChick
The story is interesting, I am intrigued and would like to read more.
I will have to go back to read previous chapters because I am confused about the Cody's Corner versus the story below it. They are about the same story, but I am not certain I see the point of both of them as Cody's view is written in both sections.
There is a lot that can be done to improve the grammar and punctuation and sentence structure.
But, not this time - belongs as part of previous sentence, not its own
I have never been so scared in all my life. - exclamation point seems more appropriate here
The first sentence/paragraph of the story after Cody's Corner is extremely long and should be shortened or split into more than one sentence. Also, sheriff's station should not be capitalized.
Commas between adjectives describing the same noun are correct, but a comma between the last adjective and noun is not correct: long, sad expression (not long, sad, expression). Multiple adjectives are not necessarily required. Sad would have sufficed here.
Although I like the content, the sometimes overly descriptive writing and grammar issues are distracting to me.
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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The story is interesting, I am intrigued and would like to read more.
I will have to go back to read previous chapters because I am confused about the Cody's Corner versus the story below it. They are about the same story, but I am not certain I see the point of both of them as Cody's view is written in both sections.
There is a lot that can be done to improve the grammar and punctuation and sentence structure.
But, not this time - belongs as part of previous sentence, not its own
I have never been so scared in all my life. - exclamation point seems more appropriate here
The first sentence/paragraph of the story after Cody's Corner is extremely long and should be shortened or split into more than one sentence. Also, sheriff's station should not be capitalized.
Commas between adjectives describing the same noun are correct, but a comma between the last adjective and noun is not correct: long, sad expression (not long, sad, expression). Multiple adjectives are not necessarily required. Sad would have sufficed here.
Although I like the content, the sometimes overly descriptive writing and grammar issues are distracting to me.
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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The Cody's Corner comments are the direct result of several Fanstorians asking me to provide Cody a forum, in addition to the story, so that he can tell his innermost thoughts and feelings as the book goes along. Astatula Recap explains this in detail. It can be found in my portfolio. Appreciate your comments. Stay tuned. Much more to come.
