Sankofa
Go back and get it.83 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
This poem is a distillation of all I've read about your life, your connectivity with your mother, and yours and her past--not just the past as the sum total of your days and years, but the rich heritage of your ancestry. You've done it all here with the powerful symbol of the Sankofa bird.
This should take you where you want to go in the contest, Andre. I review very few poems, for obvious reasons, but you make the process easy through your seamless expression of self through your poem.
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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This poem is a distillation of all I've read about your life, your connectivity with your mother, and yours and her past--not just the past as the sum total of your days and years, but the rich heritage of your ancestry. You've done it all here with the powerful symbol of the Sankofa bird.
This should take you where you want to go in the contest, Andre. I review very few poems, for obvious reasons, but you make the process easy through your seamless expression of self through your poem.
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Thank you, Jay, for your generous, thoughtful review. I distilled everything about the past, present, and future of my relationship with my mother and my heritage. I started my poem with the Sankofa bird and followed its logical conclusion. This is also the first time I wrote a poem about my mother. It is a fitting tribute. Regardless of how it does at the contest, I have already won.
Thank you again for your review and stars.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I thought this was breathtaking. I loved the imagery. The history of the mythical bird helped bring your mother's dance to life. Funny how as children we are so afraid that our parents will embarrass us. Funnier still that our parents are generally proud of everything we do. I remember being embarrassed of my parents because they were older than everyone else's parents. Twenty five years later I'm in their shoes. The old parent. This was well written and fascinating. Good luck in your endeavor. Gretchen
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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I thought this was breathtaking. I loved the imagery. The history of the mythical bird helped bring your mother's dance to life. Funny how as children we are so afraid that our parents will embarrass us. Funnier still that our parents are generally proud of everything we do. I remember being embarrassed of my parents because they were older than everyone else's parents. Twenty five years later I'm in their shoes. The old parent. This was well written and fascinating. Good luck in your endeavor. Gretchen
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Yes, Gretchen, I was so embarrassed at my mother's poetry, dancing, and old books. Now I am reading her poems and the books from her library. I also memorialized her one dance I witnessed in a poem for the Dancing Poetry Contest. I never really understood nor appreciated her life until she passed and I put on her shoes as a poet, storyteller, and writer. Now I know.
Thank you for your generous, six star review and for wishing me good luck in my endeavor.
Comment from jaho58
I truly love this poem. It is magical and mystical, bringing history to life.
For improvement, I offer this suggestion: The third stanza does not flow poetically, it reads more like a text book (except for the last line, which is powerful). I like the message, but not the format. If you can re-phrase the information more artistically you will have a solid winner.
I hope I found out how you fared in the contest! Best of luck to you.
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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I truly love this poem. It is magical and mystical, bringing history to life.
For improvement, I offer this suggestion: The third stanza does not flow poetically, it reads more like a text book (except for the last line, which is powerful). I like the message, but not the format. If you can re-phrase the information more artistically you will have a solid winner.
I hope I found out how you fared in the contest! Best of luck to you.
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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jaho58, you have a very good eye and ear. Based upon the recommendation of Word Junkie that I eliminate the article "the" as much as possible, I had revised the first and second stanza, but had not revised the third and beyond yet. You have such a good eye and ear that you immediately discerned that "The third stanza does not flow poetically, it reads more like a text book."
The original opening line of the third stanza read:
"The Twi language of Ghana
named this mythological bird Sankofa."
The revised opening line of the third stanza now reads:
"People of Ghana
named this bird Sankofa."
This is simpler, and it reads and sounds better than the original. Thank you for your review and keen observation that I need to re-phrase the third stanza. Thank you also for wishing me the best of luck in the contest.
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jaho58, you have a very good eye and ear. Based upon the recommendation of Word Junkie that I eliminate the article "the" as much as possible, I had revised the first and second stanza, but had not revised the third and beyond yet. You have such a good eye and ear that you immediately discerned that "The third stanza does not flow poetically, it reads more like a text book."
The original opening line of the third stanza read:
"The Twi language of Ghana
named this mythological bird Sankofa."
The revised opening line of the third stanza now reads:
"People of Ghana
named this bird Sankofa."
This is simpler, and it reads and sounds better than the original. Thank you for your review and keen observation that I need to re-phrase the third stanza. Thank you also for wishing me the best of luck in the contest.
Comment from Ogden
I can't decide what parts are true, but, fact or fiction, it's a beautiful poem, well-crafted and heart-felt.
Good luck in the Dancing Poetry contest!
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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I can't decide what parts are true, but, fact or fiction, it's a beautiful poem, well-crafted and heart-felt.
Good luck in the Dancing Poetry contest!
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Ogden, it is all true. Sankofa is a bird or heart-shaped symbol and proverb in Ghana which means "It is not wrong to go back for that which you have forgotten." A bird carrying its egg in its beak does not exist. The part about my mother and me are also true.
Thank you for your generous, six star review and for wishing me good luck in the contest.
Comment from misscookie
You captured my attention from the start. So many words ran in my head I didn't know what to write.
I could vision your mother dancing barefooted to the beat of the drums.
Your word made me want to hum
Thank you for sharing this up beat poem
Cookie
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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You captured my attention from the start. So many words ran in my head I didn't know what to write.
I could vision your mother dancing barefooted to the beat of the drums.
Your word made me want to hum
Thank you for sharing this up beat poem
Cookie
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Thank you, Miss Cookie, for your glowing, six star review. I have seen my mother dance and I imagine her dancing in heaven to this poem. Thanks again.
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You're very welcome. And she is dancing and my mother is singing in heaven
Until next time.
Cookie
Comment from Janet Foor
A wonderful tribute to your mother and so timely being that it was Mother's Day. I really liked the theme and storytelling of this piece. Also, the education of the mythological bird Sankofa. Very fitting and Well done and best of luck in the contest.
Blessings
Janet.
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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A wonderful tribute to your mother and so timely being that it was Mother's Day. I really liked the theme and storytelling of this piece. Also, the education of the mythological bird Sankofa. Very fitting and Well done and best of luck in the contest.
Blessings
Janet.
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Thank you, Janet, for your review of my tribute to my mother. I not only posted it on Mother's Day, but I incorporated themes of mythology and storytelling. Thank you also for wishing me luck in the contest.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This is a lovely poem and tribute to your mother. I hope it does well in the contest, my friend. It does show a woman of strength and power. Best wishes, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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This is a lovely poem and tribute to your mother. I hope it does well in the contest, my friend. It does show a woman of strength and power. Best wishes, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Oh, thank you, Debbie, for your review and wishing me the best in the contest. My mother was a woman of strength and power.
Comment from Stephanie Kastner
I love it, and love any poem that dedicates itself to honoring one's mother. Mothers make the Universe go round! This poem was perfectly timed for Mother's Day as well. I think you have crafted a great poem for the dancing theme, and can imagine your mother on the stage. Good luck!
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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I love it, and love any poem that dedicates itself to honoring one's mother. Mothers make the Universe go round! This poem was perfectly timed for Mother's Day as well. I think you have crafted a great poem for the dancing theme, and can imagine your mother on the stage. Good luck!
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Yes, Stephanie, this poem was well timed. I did not think of Mother's Day. I only wanted to get feedback for the Dancing Poetry deadline on the 15th. I can imagine my mother dancing on stage. I have seen her dance once. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello SC,
First of all, I applaud you for entering, and I sincerely hope you win this competition. To be recognized by your peers: What an honor that would be!
Now, I'm not going to dance around. I don't think you're asking us for an opinion simply because you desire a pat on the back. So, here's my honest review, and it is one opinion. Remember that! If you're satisfied with your poem as is, don't change a thing.
The poem's lovely. It tells an intriguing story. However, I have a few concerns.
The first thing I wondered about is your first line, "In the East, across the ocean..."
When I read this I thought to myself, What East, and what ocean? If I were to "see" the poet standing on the west coast of North America, I'd understand that reference, but a reader might be in Amsterdam, or Thailand, or anywhere on the globe. What meaning would this line have for a reader in Zimbabwe?
My second thought was, He uses "the" a lot. "The" is an extremely weak, oft used article, and should be avoided like the plague whenever possible, because--in poetry, particularly--each word is worth its weight in gold. In your poem you use "the" fifteen times. Now, every instance may be absolutely necessary. I'm not saying this article should be avoided 100% of the time, but I urge you to consider this.
I don't like "crash her egg." I suggest something like ... which would send her egg plummeting to ground or ... ?
In the first stanza she balanced "an" (her?) egg on her back, and in the second stanza she retrieved and carried her egg forward. I was a bit confused by this. If the egg is already on her back, where does she retrieve it from?
According to Google, drumbeat is one word. Consider ... beat like a drum ... if that's what you wish to convey.
Do you need "had" twice in this line?
she had picked as her mother had picked;
Could you do without the first?
These competitions are damned hard to win, but someone wins. I think your poem is unique. I like the way you draw a parallel between Sankofa and your mother. I definitely think your poem will stand out in the competition.
SC, I wish you unparalled success in all your endeavors.
Good luck!
Lana
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Hello SC,
First of all, I applaud you for entering, and I sincerely hope you win this competition. To be recognized by your peers: What an honor that would be!
Now, I'm not going to dance around. I don't think you're asking us for an opinion simply because you desire a pat on the back. So, here's my honest review, and it is one opinion. Remember that! If you're satisfied with your poem as is, don't change a thing.
The poem's lovely. It tells an intriguing story. However, I have a few concerns.
The first thing I wondered about is your first line, "In the East, across the ocean..."
When I read this I thought to myself, What East, and what ocean? If I were to "see" the poet standing on the west coast of North America, I'd understand that reference, but a reader might be in Amsterdam, or Thailand, or anywhere on the globe. What meaning would this line have for a reader in Zimbabwe?
My second thought was, He uses "the" a lot. "The" is an extremely weak, oft used article, and should be avoided like the plague whenever possible, because--in poetry, particularly--each word is worth its weight in gold. In your poem you use "the" fifteen times. Now, every instance may be absolutely necessary. I'm not saying this article should be avoided 100% of the time, but I urge you to consider this.
I don't like "crash her egg." I suggest something like ... which would send her egg plummeting to ground or ... ?
In the first stanza she balanced "an" (her?) egg on her back, and in the second stanza she retrieved and carried her egg forward. I was a bit confused by this. If the egg is already on her back, where does she retrieve it from?
According to Google, drumbeat is one word. Consider ... beat like a drum ... if that's what you wish to convey.
Do you need "had" twice in this line?
she had picked as her mother had picked;
Could you do without the first?
These competitions are damned hard to win, but someone wins. I think your poem is unique. I like the way you draw a parallel between Sankofa and your mother. I definitely think your poem will stand out in the competition.
SC, I wish you unparalled success in all your endeavors.
Good luck!
Lana
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Thank you, Lana, for your encouraging review and detailed suggestions. I have incorporated many of them, although reducing usage of the article "the" will take some work. I used "In Africa" instead of "In the land across the ocean."
These competitions are damn hard to win, but at least I am happy that this year I studied the previous winning poems and wrote a poem targeted to the event. Last year I recycled and submitted an old poem that had nothing to do with women, creativity, or dance. It did not even receive one of fifty-one prizes from grand to third place. Even if I do not make the top 5%, I did a lot better than last year because I wrote a new, targeted poem I could be proud of.
Thank you for wishing me success in all my endeavors and thank you for your detailed review.
Comment from TAB_that's me
This is a beautiful poem and tribute to your Mother. I like the metaphor and mythology approach.
We don't always appreciate our mothers until it is too late.
I hope this does well in the dancing poetry contest. I have submitted before too and been turned down.
Teresa
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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This is a beautiful poem and tribute to your Mother. I like the metaphor and mythology approach.
We don't always appreciate our mothers until it is too late.
I hope this does well in the dancing poetry contest. I have submitted before too and been turned down.
Teresa
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Yes, Teresa, we don't always appreciate our mothers until it is too late. I have diary entries in which I recount my boredom and embarrassment over my mother's poetry readings and dances. Now I wish I could go to them, but I can't. I am glad I eventually came around to see her value as a mother and a poet. Thank you for your review and hoping my poem does well.
