Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "One Night Fling "A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
16 total reviews
Comment from Beck Fenton
I'm intrigued to see where Cody's tale continues.
I am reading this as a stand-alone and it fills in the blanks enough to stand that test. It's a hard story to tell and you are doing a good job at taking the time to lead the reader through the events that mark his passage.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2018
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I'm intrigued to see where Cody's tale continues.
I am reading this as a stand-alone and it fills in the blanks enough to stand that test. It's a hard story to tell and you are doing a good job at taking the time to lead the reader through the events that mark his passage.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from robyn corum
Brett,
You know I have been following this story as faithfully as possible. *smile* I didn't get to read all the books before, so I don't know everything about Cody, but I always, always, always appreciate and admire your writing style. Which is why I'm having a difficult time with this chapter. Sorry.
I have made a TON of notes, and I'm hoping you'll be able to make sense of what I'm going to be saying. Since I haven't been following everything religiously, there may be some stuff I'm not understanding correctly, so you'll have to just overlook me -- I'll try to explain what I'm seeing and then you can use what you can and toss the rest. K?
1.) 'possessive' punctuation issues. Here are some issues where your punctuation seems off to me. When you are referring to an animal or inanimate object, you are not REQUIRED to use the apostrophe, but if you choose to, it should go BEFORE the 's':
--> odiferous scent that lingers after a skunk unleashes (it's) primary weapon,"
--> to me as he steered his cruiser past the skunk('s) home. (since I think you are still talking about one skunk)
--> of my eye. (It's) wingspan must have measured a good three feet across.
2.) Their defined edges indicated(,) weather-wise(,) the afternoon would be fair.
3.) In a rage, I stormed through the front door of the house
--> okay -- this is a loooong way from that fight. You also have a ton of 'filler', extraneous info between the fight and this rage - which made me do a double-take when we got here. I was like...are we still on that? If you are going to continue this subject, I think you need to show this at the very beginning of this chapter in some way, yes?
4.) trudged up the frieze-carpeted circular stairway leading to my bedroom.
--> just checking --
--> 'frieze' = 'a broad horizontal band of sculpted or painted decoration, especially on a wall near the ceiling.'/ 'a horizontal paper strip mounted on a wall to give a similar effect.'/ 'architecture'/ 'the part of an entablature between the architrave and the cornice'
--> Your description actually sounds like (Berber) carpet
5.) A sonic boom could be heard throughout the house.. I watched
--> first of all, this may be jumping out of POV. I'm not sure he can say that the sonic boom could be heard THROUGHOUT the house -- SEE? All he knows is what he hears in HIS ROOM.
--> also, you need 3 dots for the ellipsis
6.) I watched a chipped piece of plaster fall off the wall and flutter
--> unless it's a very old house I wonder if it's sheetrock?
7.) My melt down had just begun. --> meltdown is one word
8.) I'd left the towel (lying) on my bed that morning after
9.) It sure beat the pallet spread I slept on the floor with in Palo
--> the 'spread' part throws this off. perhaps:
--> It sure beat the pallet spread on the floor that I slept on in Palo
10.) Enduring a paddling was nothing new to me. I had been.
--> this phrasing stopped my flow. I finally understood what you meant, but it was jarring. I would recommend rephrasing.
11.) As I spoke these words, the friends I talked to who sat with me on the rooftop deck of the Blind Pig Pub in Austin, became all ears.
--> I'm having a hard time with your format. Are you saying that this whole book is him reciting these things to his friends at this bar? No -- because, now, we see he's telling us how they reacted. So, there's a discrepancy -- I'm thinking you may need some way to offset the speech to your friends OR the moments when you're back to the 'journaling' portion. Maybe use italics for one portion?
12.) short-lived wedlock of convenience, they weren't married long enough for that to make a difference.
--> but it did make a difference - he wasn't born out of wedlock, right?
13.) His comment never made me stop asking why my mother abandoned me(.)
--> this is a statement, not a question.
14.) "It is what it is(,) so leave it alone or I'll beat the living Hell out of you!"
15.) for the least littlest mistakes I made. Although it did very little to
--> first, I think 'little' might be more appropriate at the beginning BUT you have forms of 'little' x 2 here
16.) most of the time I walked gingerly on eggshells around him.
--> MOST of the time?
17.) Looking down, I watched heavy traffic pass on the busy street below our perch. A shooting star appeared from out of nowhere. As it flew by, the streak of light illuminated the deep purple Texas sky.
--> how did he see the shooting star looking down?
Brett, I know this is a shocking rating, but appropriate. I'll be happy to adjust - jsut let me know when you edit. Thanks for this intriguing story. I look forward to more!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
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Brett,
You know I have been following this story as faithfully as possible. *smile* I didn't get to read all the books before, so I don't know everything about Cody, but I always, always, always appreciate and admire your writing style. Which is why I'm having a difficult time with this chapter. Sorry.
I have made a TON of notes, and I'm hoping you'll be able to make sense of what I'm going to be saying. Since I haven't been following everything religiously, there may be some stuff I'm not understanding correctly, so you'll have to just overlook me -- I'll try to explain what I'm seeing and then you can use what you can and toss the rest. K?
1.) 'possessive' punctuation issues. Here are some issues where your punctuation seems off to me. When you are referring to an animal or inanimate object, you are not REQUIRED to use the apostrophe, but if you choose to, it should go BEFORE the 's':
--> odiferous scent that lingers after a skunk unleashes (it's) primary weapon,"
--> to me as he steered his cruiser past the skunk('s) home. (since I think you are still talking about one skunk)
--> of my eye. (It's) wingspan must have measured a good three feet across.
2.) Their defined edges indicated(,) weather-wise(,) the afternoon would be fair.
3.) In a rage, I stormed through the front door of the house
--> okay -- this is a loooong way from that fight. You also have a ton of 'filler', extraneous info between the fight and this rage - which made me do a double-take when we got here. I was like...are we still on that? If you are going to continue this subject, I think you need to show this at the very beginning of this chapter in some way, yes?
4.) trudged up the frieze-carpeted circular stairway leading to my bedroom.
--> just checking --
--> 'frieze' = 'a broad horizontal band of sculpted or painted decoration, especially on a wall near the ceiling.'/ 'a horizontal paper strip mounted on a wall to give a similar effect.'/ 'architecture'/ 'the part of an entablature between the architrave and the cornice'
--> Your description actually sounds like (Berber) carpet
5.) A sonic boom could be heard throughout the house.. I watched
--> first of all, this may be jumping out of POV. I'm not sure he can say that the sonic boom could be heard THROUGHOUT the house -- SEE? All he knows is what he hears in HIS ROOM.
--> also, you need 3 dots for the ellipsis
6.) I watched a chipped piece of plaster fall off the wall and flutter
--> unless it's a very old house I wonder if it's sheetrock?
7.) My melt down had just begun. --> meltdown is one word
8.) I'd left the towel (lying) on my bed that morning after
9.) It sure beat the pallet spread I slept on the floor with in Palo
--> the 'spread' part throws this off. perhaps:
--> It sure beat the pallet spread on the floor that I slept on in Palo
10.) Enduring a paddling was nothing new to me. I had been.
--> this phrasing stopped my flow. I finally understood what you meant, but it was jarring. I would recommend rephrasing.
11.) As I spoke these words, the friends I talked to who sat with me on the rooftop deck of the Blind Pig Pub in Austin, became all ears.
--> I'm having a hard time with your format. Are you saying that this whole book is him reciting these things to his friends at this bar? No -- because, now, we see he's telling us how they reacted. So, there's a discrepancy -- I'm thinking you may need some way to offset the speech to your friends OR the moments when you're back to the 'journaling' portion. Maybe use italics for one portion?
12.) short-lived wedlock of convenience, they weren't married long enough for that to make a difference.
--> but it did make a difference - he wasn't born out of wedlock, right?
13.) His comment never made me stop asking why my mother abandoned me(.)
--> this is a statement, not a question.
14.) "It is what it is(,) so leave it alone or I'll beat the living Hell out of you!"
15.) for the least littlest mistakes I made. Although it did very little to
--> first, I think 'little' might be more appropriate at the beginning BUT you have forms of 'little' x 2 here
16.) most of the time I walked gingerly on eggshells around him.
--> MOST of the time?
17.) Looking down, I watched heavy traffic pass on the busy street below our perch. A shooting star appeared from out of nowhere. As it flew by, the streak of light illuminated the deep purple Texas sky.
--> how did he see the shooting star looking down?
Brett, I know this is a shocking rating, but appropriate. I'll be happy to adjust - jsut let me know when you edit. Thanks for this intriguing story. I look forward to more!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
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No, it is not a shocking rating. It is appreciated.
What I want is for this chapter to be correct before I write the next one.
I made the recommended changes, except for frieze carpeting;; which is a type of cut-pile carpeting.
The setting for this book is Cody detailing the events to his friends at the Blind Pig Pub and looking back over his life doing so.
Do keep reading and editing. As I said, much appreciated.
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Brett, I don't usually make a point of going back and changing ratings - it's way too much trouble to keep up with who and when and what, but I do care about this series and I realize this is quite uncommon for you. I went back to take a look and have adjusted that terrible rating. Thank you for taking my comments exactly as they were intended. (A sure sign of a true writer.) I appreciate you!
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Thanks for pointing the issues out and readjusting the rating. Unlike some others on this site, a low review does not bother me when it is explained why it was given. That's a sign that maybe your posting still needs some additional work to be right. And, that is much important than a 5 or 6 star review that isn't merited.
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Totally agree! Thanks!
Comment from Harry Smith
As always, it is always a pleasure to read your writing. I am never disappointed that the chapter will be loaded with lots and lots of imagery. The reader enjoys...
reply by the author on 01-May-2018
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As always, it is always a pleasure to read your writing. I am never disappointed that the chapter will be loaded with lots and lots of imagery. The reader enjoys...
Comment Written 28-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 01-May-2018
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Thank you very much for your continual support. Appreciate the comments and reviews. Good imagery helps bring a story to life. So, I try to use lots of it.
Comment from robina1978
The photo of this young boy is lovely, and complements your story perfectly. I think he thought he killed the other boy, but he did not. He did not know who his father was. His mother made four other female addicted to a mixture of hard drugs. Well written, just a bit of dialogue- I like that. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2018
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The photo of this young boy is lovely, and complements your story perfectly. I think he thought he killed the other boy, but he did not. He did not know who his father was. His mother made four other female addicted to a mixture of hard drugs. Well written, just a bit of dialogue- I like that. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Cody's story. Appreciate the review.
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The setting of the work is the rooftop deck of the Blind Pig Pub in Austin, albeit, with allusions made to Pinto Bowling Alley on Blake where the protagonist was born and Palo Pinto where he was brought up.
The character outlay comprises the protagonist, his friends, including Matt.
The scenario is the protagonist's recapitulation of his dreary past with a drug ravaged mother and a father whose parentage of him he wasn't very sure, albeit, proven through a DNA test.
The protagonist tells his friends how he sometimes walked on top eggshells around his father who was crossed with him at each instance.
He talks about his mother whom he doesn't know, except his father's tales about her thriving in meth, crack, heroin,and cocaine, and how he wants to forge ahead with his life despite the odds against him.
The work constitutes a significant commentary on how poor parenting could predispose a rudderless lifestyle of its offsprings.
Excellent work! Keep the flag flying!
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2018
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The setting of the work is the rooftop deck of the Blind Pig Pub in Austin, albeit, with allusions made to Pinto Bowling Alley on Blake where the protagonist was born and Palo Pinto where he was brought up.
The character outlay comprises the protagonist, his friends, including Matt.
The scenario is the protagonist's recapitulation of his dreary past with a drug ravaged mother and a father whose parentage of him he wasn't very sure, albeit, proven through a DNA test.
The protagonist tells his friends how he sometimes walked on top eggshells around his father who was crossed with him at each instance.
He talks about his mother whom he doesn't know, except his father's tales about her thriving in meth, crack, heroin,and cocaine, and how he wants to forge ahead with his life despite the odds against him.
The work constitutes a significant commentary on how poor parenting could predispose a rudderless lifestyle of its offsprings.
Excellent work! Keep the flag flying!
Comment Written 29-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Cody's story. Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write such an in depth review.
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Remain Blessed!
Comment from Swampfox1
It is well written, it flows well and I sort of liked the story. Sorry about that but just being truthful. I am in the process of raising two grand daughters whose mother is a drug addict and this is too close to home. I find it somewhat depressing and if it weren't for your skill at writing I might not have enjoyed the story. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2018
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It is well written, it flows well and I sort of liked the story. Sorry about that but just being truthful. I am in the process of raising two grand daughters whose mother is a drug addict and this is too close to home. I find it somewhat depressing and if it weren't for your skill at writing I might not have enjoyed the story. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2018
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Depressing is a good term to describe how a mother could abandon her child for the drugs she craved more. Needed Cody to explain his horrible relationship with her for storyline purposes since he is now the ward of the Sheriff. Appreciate your continued support of Cody's story.
Comment from apky
Once again, you bring back my favourite story and I devoured it. What a world some are born into and brought up with.
You described this so well I could imagine the boy's detached narrative about his parents:
Evelyn Margaret Madison did not take Earl Anthony Schroder's last name upon their sham of a marriage. United in a "Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!" short-lived wedlock of convenience, they weren't married long enough for that to make a difference. The matrimony occurred only because I'd come on the scene completely unexpected, and my mother wanted to save face.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2018
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Once again, you bring back my favourite story and I devoured it. What a world some are born into and brought up with.
You described this so well I could imagine the boy's detached narrative about his parents:
Evelyn Margaret Madison did not take Earl Anthony Schroder's last name upon their sham of a marriage. United in a "Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!" short-lived wedlock of convenience, they weren't married long enough for that to make a difference. The matrimony occurred only because I'd come on the scene completely unexpected, and my mother wanted to save face.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Cody's story. Upon the advice of a publisher who is interested in the book, I am revising it based on his suggestions. My long term goal with Astatula is to get it published. Appreciate your continued support.
Comment from Wetbelly01
I like your story, so far...
Seems to be flowing along pretty good...
Didn't come across any 'glitches' along the way...
My compliments, looking forward to more.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2018
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I like your story, so far...
Seems to be flowing along pretty good...
Didn't come across any 'glitches' along the way...
My compliments, looking forward to more.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Cody's story. Much more to come so I invite you to ride along as the rest of the story unfolds.
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Thank you, I believe I will!
Comment from c_lucas
So many are brought into this world with two strikes against them. Discipline is chosen over understanding. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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So many are brought into this world with two strikes against them. Discipline is chosen over understanding. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale about Cody's past.
Felt it was necessary to depict the situation he came from before being united with Sheriff Daniels and Beth Sorenson.
Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from royowen
I think it's so sad when somebody never knows being valued or being a precious commodity as all little children should know, and for them to be shown in as many ways possible. Love your plot Mark, it certainly starting off provocatively well, you've left some lures for the future episodes, well done, great scribing, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 31-May-2016
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I think it's so sad when somebody never knows being valued or being a precious commodity as all little children should know, and for them to be shown in as many ways possible. Love your plot Mark, it certainly starting off provocatively well, you've left some lures for the future episodes, well done, great scribing, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 30-May-2016
reply by the author on 31-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Much more to come. Your comments and support appreciated.
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Well done Brett
