Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Press Conference"A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
7 total reviews
Comment from misscookie
I enjoyed reading your story and it was all good
You had my attention from the first line to the last.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 01-May-2016
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I enjoyed reading your story and it was all good
You had my attention from the first line to the last.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 01-May-2016
reply by the author on 01-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this misscookie. Your comments and support appreciated.
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You're very welcome, have a blessed Monday.
Cookie
Comment from ioana.u
It was a realistic story, with the quiet, grumpy sheriff scarred by his own lost, and the short description of the victims. And it made me curious about what happens next, and what's the deal with Cody.
The only thing you could change is the artwork, it made me expect something entirely different. It's lovely, but not for this story.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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It was a realistic story, with the quiet, grumpy sheriff scarred by his own lost, and the short description of the victims. And it made me curious about what happens next, and what's the deal with Cody.
The only thing you could change is the artwork, it made me expect something entirely different. It's lovely, but not for this story.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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The other chapters of this story are found in my portfolio. Enjoy them.
Comment from royowen
Circumstance points it's finger at Cody Schroder, but perhaps the indicators are incriminating deputy Taylor, but then I've never been good at mysteries, particularly, well done, I enjoyed your murder mystery, blessings, Roy
Typo : had not been out (investigation) investigating? 2: (Incinuation) insinuation? 3: good to (loot) at. Look?
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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Circumstance points it's finger at Cody Schroder, but perhaps the indicators are incriminating deputy Taylor, but then I've never been good at mysteries, particularly, well done, I enjoyed your murder mystery, blessings, Roy
Typo : had not been out (investigation) investigating? 2: (Incinuation) insinuation? 3: good to (loot) at. Look?
Comment Written 30-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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Thanks for the catches. Really appreciate that. Your comments and support are also appreciated.
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Most welcome
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
OKay I just erased the corrections I saw and getting down to the nitty-gritty as my Mama used to say.
I thought it sounded very realistic and I am stayng tuned for more. It left questions unanswered and that is good
24, which are all---combines two sentences because the last one is not complete and can not stand alone.
one thing was certain (,) the little town---again combines two sentences one of which does not have a verb.
yu can combine paragraphs three and four
Investigat(ing) and ensuring
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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OKay I just erased the corrections I saw and getting down to the nitty-gritty as my Mama used to say.
I thought it sounded very realistic and I am stayng tuned for more. It left questions unanswered and that is good
24, which are all---combines two sentences because the last one is not complete and can not stand alone.
one thing was certain (,) the little town---again combines two sentences one of which does not have a verb.
yu can combine paragraphs three and four
Investigat(ing) and ensuring
Comment Written 29-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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SEND the corrections, please. Glad you enjoyed this part of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Ricky1024
hi Brett I like your ending on new sheriff in town your picture by and pay for the course Michael J km MK flood his dear friend the one I use is art work many many times especially his peace blue City angel with the character plaf whether it was real or not also I'm not saying it wasn't well give me thoughts of whether it was real or not also I'm not saying it wasn't well written but basically you're trying to lead the right or straight it sure was doing the officer-in-charge was doing his job and she's like going to the local fish fry did not happen during investigations trying to find a home on all the murders and then bringing one Central character in mind who was there at the seams first off it's pretty rare that the Killer vs. serial killer will return to the scene of the crime arsonist will do it but they're murderers they don't do it they just read it in the newspapers and glow I haven't really heard of any new news on the closest to the recent serial killings in the United States which is something I wasn't going on in Mexico all that was about seventy seventy years ago I heard about that since then I really haven't heard of anything I'm not saying nothing has happened of course one of the most common ones were Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer are we know their history and and and one was the late nineties and the other was believed the seventies possibly you think was the seventies but he drove around Wilkes wagon beetle preying on young women are all cowards will do that whether they become serial killers or just a regular Marley thank you for the fun of it and the thrill and enjoyment that it's a power thing as sickness I don't believe in the death penalty except for stream extreme circumstances multiple murders would be good or murdering a pregnant woman of those two incidents definitely deserve the death penalty why should we have somebody who is so cruel and thoughtless see them keep a roof over her head whether to jail or not give them the limited luxuries of Freedom that they they must have one of the law and keep them alive for decades and that is my thought for you well written Ricky and
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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hi Brett I like your ending on new sheriff in town your picture by and pay for the course Michael J km MK flood his dear friend the one I use is art work many many times especially his peace blue City angel with the character plaf whether it was real or not also I'm not saying it wasn't well give me thoughts of whether it was real or not also I'm not saying it wasn't well written but basically you're trying to lead the right or straight it sure was doing the officer-in-charge was doing his job and she's like going to the local fish fry did not happen during investigations trying to find a home on all the murders and then bringing one Central character in mind who was there at the seams first off it's pretty rare that the Killer vs. serial killer will return to the scene of the crime arsonist will do it but they're murderers they don't do it they just read it in the newspapers and glow I haven't really heard of any new news on the closest to the recent serial killings in the United States which is something I wasn't going on in Mexico all that was about seventy seventy years ago I heard about that since then I really haven't heard of anything I'm not saying nothing has happened of course one of the most common ones were Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer are we know their history and and and one was the late nineties and the other was believed the seventies possibly you think was the seventies but he drove around Wilkes wagon beetle preying on young women are all cowards will do that whether they become serial killers or just a regular Marley thank you for the fun of it and the thrill and enjoyment that it's a power thing as sickness I don't believe in the death penalty except for stream extreme circumstances multiple murders would be good or murdering a pregnant woman of those two incidents definitely deserve the death penalty why should we have somebody who is so cruel and thoughtless see them keep a roof over her head whether to jail or not give them the limited luxuries of Freedom that they they must have one of the law and keep them alive for decades and that is my thought for you well written Ricky and
Comment Written 29-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this part of the story. Your insights always appreciated.
Comment from I am Cat
Hello Brett...
I'll get to your two questions after a few punctuation and SPAG suggestions:
The victims ranged from a young, white, female Convenience Store clerk on the overnight shift, to a middle-aged, pizza restaurant manager and a Driver returning to the shop from a routine home delivery.
(there's no real rhyme or reason as to why you've capitalized some of these job descriptions and not others... but making them more uniform would be a good idea. I suggest you don't capitalize, as they are generic descriptions.)
Two questions that kept reoccurring in Sheriff Daniels mind were(;) what did these crimes have in common(, a)nd, where was the missing link that would solve this case?
(It's one sentence about two questions, but it's an ongoing thing, right?)
He also asked why the Sheriff had not been out investigati(ng) and ensuring the safety of the townspeople?
1 - Was the story realistic? If not, why?
For me, the story, itself, was realistic. However, you set yourself up for me to NOT believe it, with that artwork. The artwork is childlike and suggests the entire thing is being wrangled by a...prairie dog? That suggests that I shouldn't take it seriously.
I went back up to look at the category... ok, I see the category is 'family' fiction... is that why you've chosen something childlike? (remember, you asked) :)
2 - Did the story draw you into the action? If not, why?
The story DID draw me in, once I figured out it WAS serious, and not a crime committed by a prairie dog. lol
I hope this review helps you. ;)
... because I think the story is good... the spag may be considerable, and enough to warrant another edit... But, I know you're a regular member here and your work is of the utmost quality. I know you'll make the changes needed, so I see no reason to police your work.
Anyway, I hope this helps and answers some questions. ;)
Cat
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Hello Brett...
I'll get to your two questions after a few punctuation and SPAG suggestions:
The victims ranged from a young, white, female Convenience Store clerk on the overnight shift, to a middle-aged, pizza restaurant manager and a Driver returning to the shop from a routine home delivery.
(there's no real rhyme or reason as to why you've capitalized some of these job descriptions and not others... but making them more uniform would be a good idea. I suggest you don't capitalize, as they are generic descriptions.)
Two questions that kept reoccurring in Sheriff Daniels mind were(;) what did these crimes have in common(, a)nd, where was the missing link that would solve this case?
(It's one sentence about two questions, but it's an ongoing thing, right?)
He also asked why the Sheriff had not been out investigati(ng) and ensuring the safety of the townspeople?
1 - Was the story realistic? If not, why?
For me, the story, itself, was realistic. However, you set yourself up for me to NOT believe it, with that artwork. The artwork is childlike and suggests the entire thing is being wrangled by a...prairie dog? That suggests that I shouldn't take it seriously.
I went back up to look at the category... ok, I see the category is 'family' fiction... is that why you've chosen something childlike? (remember, you asked) :)
2 - Did the story draw you into the action? If not, why?
The story DID draw me in, once I figured out it WAS serious, and not a crime committed by a prairie dog. lol
I hope this review helps you. ;)
... because I think the story is good... the spag may be considerable, and enough to warrant another edit... But, I know you're a regular member here and your work is of the utmost quality. I know you'll make the changes needed, so I see no reason to police your work.
Anyway, I hope this helps and answers some questions. ;)
Cat
Comment Written 29-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Noted, changed, and let you know this is the newest chapter in my book Astatula that can be found in my portfolio. Appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from TheresaWilliams
While this genre isn't really what I am drawn to, it did seem realistic. I would have liked to have seen more dialogue. There was one small grammar mistake. (I am such a perfectionist when it comes to grammar and punctuation...)
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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While this genre isn't really what I am drawn to, it did seem realistic. I would have liked to have seen more dialogue. There was one small grammar mistake. (I am such a perfectionist when it comes to grammar and punctuation...)
Comment Written 29-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this part of the story. Much more to come.
