the treehouse
a 200 word story4 total reviews
Comment from Judy Couch
This is only a temporary solution. If he continues to be involved with alcohol and gambling, they have no future. She would do well to drop him now before she gets any more involved. Your story is believable and well written..
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2016
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This is only a temporary solution. If he continues to be involved with alcohol and gambling, they have no future. She would do well to drop him now before she gets any more involved. Your story is believable and well written..
Comment Written 25-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2016
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Thanks for the review and advice, I agree with you, temporary. Cheers, j
Comment from mvbrooks
Need to change the verb tense:
"a tree fort build by him"
change "build" to "built"
'Grandfather" as used here should be lower case. The rule is "Do not capitalize a kinship name when it is not part of the personal name but is a word describing the personal name. This usually occurs when the kinship name is preceded by articles such as the, a, or an; or possessive pronouns such as HIS, her, my, our, your, or their."
These changes might seem minor--but they impact the story's flow.
Watch pronoun use. Pronouns ALWAYS refer BACK to the nearest noun or personal noun.
In the case of the sentence:
"His Grandfather had told him that the coins would be Sam's when he died, but then he had died suddenly, without telling him where he kept his coins. "
"...coins would be Sam's when he died..." -- in this case, "he" refers back to Sam's death, not the grandfather's.
"...then he had died suddenly, without telling him where he kept his coins." These four consecutive pronouns, with no personal noun, would refer back to Sam -- and not to BOTH Sam and his grandfather.
Great story idea--suggest re-working these grammar / story flow suggestions to place higher in your contest. The story should be able to be read without pause to be most effective.
"Grandfather had built a box on the underside of the table for his coins and in his anger he solved the problem of the hidden coins.... and his wedding."
--again, "grandfather" should be lowercase
--pronoun confusion that makes the reader pause to figure it out.
--and of his wedding (I know you need 200 words exactly but need "of the hidden coins" to parallel "and of his wedding."
GOOD LUCK Great Story -- will be a stronger contender after editing.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Need to change the verb tense:
"a tree fort build by him"
change "build" to "built"
'Grandfather" as used here should be lower case. The rule is "Do not capitalize a kinship name when it is not part of the personal name but is a word describing the personal name. This usually occurs when the kinship name is preceded by articles such as the, a, or an; or possessive pronouns such as HIS, her, my, our, your, or their."
These changes might seem minor--but they impact the story's flow.
Watch pronoun use. Pronouns ALWAYS refer BACK to the nearest noun or personal noun.
In the case of the sentence:
"His Grandfather had told him that the coins would be Sam's when he died, but then he had died suddenly, without telling him where he kept his coins. "
"...coins would be Sam's when he died..." -- in this case, "he" refers back to Sam's death, not the grandfather's.
"...then he had died suddenly, without telling him where he kept his coins." These four consecutive pronouns, with no personal noun, would refer back to Sam -- and not to BOTH Sam and his grandfather.
Great story idea--suggest re-working these grammar / story flow suggestions to place higher in your contest. The story should be able to be read without pause to be most effective.
"Grandfather had built a box on the underside of the table for his coins and in his anger he solved the problem of the hidden coins.... and his wedding."
--again, "grandfather" should be lowercase
--pronoun confusion that makes the reader pause to figure it out.
--and of his wedding (I know you need 200 words exactly but need "of the hidden coins" to parallel "and of his wedding."
GOOD LUCK Great Story -- will be a stronger contender after editing.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Thanks for the helpful advice, I understand what you mean and appreciate your effort to improve the story. Cheers,j
Comment from Julie Dascoli
This is great. A lot of story to pack into 200 words well done. I love the surprise and the fact that the whole problem is solved in one swoop. Cheers Julie D.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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This is great. A lot of story to pack into 200 words well done. I love the surprise and the fact that the whole problem is solved in one swoop. Cheers Julie D.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Sometimes it just takes a swoop. Thanks for the review, cheers, j
Comment from Eric1
Hi Mystery Author, this is a really good entry for this particular competition, a truly well written story with a great feel good factor. I wish you the very best of luck in the contest my friend.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Hi Mystery Author, this is a really good entry for this particular competition, a truly well written story with a great feel good factor. I wish you the very best of luck in the contest my friend.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Thanks for the encouraging review Eric, cheers, j
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You are very welcome my friend.
