Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Murder At The Chinese Laundry"A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
22 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Brett, so you're writing the same story but now in script. Why is that? Do you hope to have it performed? Sorry if I haven't really followed up. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
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Hi Brett, so you're writing the same story but now in script. Why is that? Do you hope to have it performed? Sorry if I haven't really followed up. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 29-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
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Nope, reworking parts of it that should have been properly formatted the first time.
Comment from Earl Corp
I don't know how big blue gills are where you're at but here in Pennsylvania seven wouldn't be enough for a fish fry. Finally the story is picking up some momentum. Waiting for the next installment.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
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I don't know how big blue gills are where you're at but here in Pennsylvania seven wouldn't be enough for a fish fry. Finally the story is picking up some momentum. Waiting for the next installment.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
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Glad you enjoyed this writing. Appreciate the review.
Comment from Tootsie55
Good chapter again mate. Breaking the rules and giving a SIX even though chock full of errors! Here you go. Now reciprocate and catch some rewards if you are lucky. for their sup(p)ers.
The black-tailed prairie dog [town] Dog's name?
it flops around on (the line) and (Cody)looks at his worried buddy.)
Styrofoam cooler the[y] boys brought
Cody(:) Should be. Are we done fishing?
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
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Good chapter again mate. Breaking the rules and giving a SIX even though chock full of errors! Here you go. Now reciprocate and catch some rewards if you are lucky. for their sup(p)ers.
The black-tailed prairie dog [town] Dog's name?
it flops around on (the line) and (Cody)looks at his worried buddy.)
Styrofoam cooler the[y] boys brought
Cody(:) Should be. Are we done fishing?
Comment Written 25-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
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Much appreciated review.
Comment from Poetic Friend
Brett,
It has been reading your Cody's stories. I dont' always review, but I've followed most of the chapters.
Poor Cody, after given his unfortunate childhood, trouble is always lingering in his direction. He has good premonition.
Merry Christmas.
I am looking forward to the subsequent chapters.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
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Brett,
It has been reading your Cody's stories. I dont' always review, but I've followed most of the chapters.
Poor Cody, after given his unfortunate childhood, trouble is always lingering in his direction. He has good premonition.
Merry Christmas.
I am looking forward to the subsequent chapters.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
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Glad you enjoyed this writing. Appreciate the review.
Comment from Jaye Bennett
I'm just getting into the middle of this story, but wish I had read all that went before. The author has a good handle on the way young boys think and act. The story tells the reason the boys are at the lake fishing and tells why Cody is concerned with the "bangs" they heard. It's in his background. (In the paragraph starting "(Two days later . . . ") I think you want the word supper instead of super. Those dang typos spellcheck doesn't catch are a nuisance.) The suspense is built in a subtle way, with finding the bodies as the climax of this section of the book. I want to read more. Good job.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
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I'm just getting into the middle of this story, but wish I had read all that went before. The author has a good handle on the way young boys think and act. The story tells the reason the boys are at the lake fishing and tells why Cody is concerned with the "bangs" they heard. It's in his background. (In the paragraph starting "(Two days later . . . ") I think you want the word supper instead of super. Those dang typos spellcheck doesn't catch are a nuisance.) The suspense is built in a subtle way, with finding the bodies as the climax of this section of the book. I want to read more. Good job.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
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Glad you enjoyed this writing. Appreciate the review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Debbie Pope
You have a great story going here. I love your character development and your dialogue. The plot is keeping me reading. I love your use of foretelling to create suspense. I would change the format somewhat though. I like the use of dialogue but the use of the long parenthetical is distracting. Maybe just do the story in more of a prose format. You wouldn't have to change many words at all.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
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You have a great story going here. I love your character development and your dialogue. The plot is keeping me reading. I love your use of foretelling to create suspense. I would change the format somewhat though. I like the use of dialogue but the use of the long parenthetical is distracting. Maybe just do the story in more of a prose format. You wouldn't have to change many words at all.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
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Glad you enjoyed this writing. Appreciate the review.
Comment from robyn corum
Brett,
Are you okay? Have you been drinking, maybe? *smile* This is not like you --
The post, as always, was entertaining and I followed along with Cody's tale with interest -- but this piece was filled with nits, which is HIGHLY unusual for you.
Some notes:
1.) with Matt, the Sheriff stated to himself,
--> unless you are directly referring to him as 'Sheriff Parker' or whatever, the word 'sheriff' is generic and doesn't require capitalization
--> need to go throughout the post and correct, please
2.) emotionally attached to the Sheriff, or anybody else for that matter?
--> I know this is a story that Cody is telling -- like a long narrative, almost a soliloquy, but since George is interjecting it's still a conversation - which means you should ass q marks, imo -- that would also help to delineate who's speaking each time, and not make the reader pause to look or guess
3.) than any material possession(s) could ever be
4.) I laid on my belly on the carpeted floor of the den.
--> when did his punishment end? When did he enter the den?
5.) He leisurely relaxed in his brown,
--> 'leisurely' is not needed since it's implied
6.) Two days later the weather was balmy.
--> what? This is such an abrupt change in the story!
--> also makes me wonder what the previous part was included for. I was taught that every word, every scene, every plot ingredient should point directly to the end/hook/meaning of the story. What did this scene in the den add?
7.) Our intention was to literally fish for our (supper).
8.) two mallards flew off from where they landed.
--> always tell it in order.
--> two mallards landed on a swampy outcropping and then flew off (you can do better than my example, I'm sure) *smile*
9.) I removed the fish from off the hook it flopped around on
--> awkward - suggest:
--> I removed the flopping fish from his hook. (Though why is Cody removing the other guy's fish? Makes me think he's too squeamish or something.)
10.) Bluegill he'd just snagged into the Styrofoam cooler
--> this is like introducing the evil twin at the end of the story.. hahaha! Where did this cooler filled with ice come from? When the boys were on their way, you painted a pretty clear pix of them on their individual bikes carrying their poles in their hands. If the cooler is there, it should be mentioned earlier, please
11.) Finally, in your notes you say 'Will the two meet?' but it's actually three when you think about it - Matt, Cody and the bad guy(s)
--> or else the two groups, maybe? See what I'm saying?
Okay, hope this helps. Sorry for the lowered rating - if you decide to edit, let me know and I will happily return and re-rate.
Have a marvelous weekend!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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Brett,
Are you okay? Have you been drinking, maybe? *smile* This is not like you --
The post, as always, was entertaining and I followed along with Cody's tale with interest -- but this piece was filled with nits, which is HIGHLY unusual for you.
Some notes:
1.) with Matt, the Sheriff stated to himself,
--> unless you are directly referring to him as 'Sheriff Parker' or whatever, the word 'sheriff' is generic and doesn't require capitalization
--> need to go throughout the post and correct, please
2.) emotionally attached to the Sheriff, or anybody else for that matter?
--> I know this is a story that Cody is telling -- like a long narrative, almost a soliloquy, but since George is interjecting it's still a conversation - which means you should ass q marks, imo -- that would also help to delineate who's speaking each time, and not make the reader pause to look or guess
3.) than any material possession(s) could ever be
4.) I laid on my belly on the carpeted floor of the den.
--> when did his punishment end? When did he enter the den?
5.) He leisurely relaxed in his brown,
--> 'leisurely' is not needed since it's implied
6.) Two days later the weather was balmy.
--> what? This is such an abrupt change in the story!
--> also makes me wonder what the previous part was included for. I was taught that every word, every scene, every plot ingredient should point directly to the end/hook/meaning of the story. What did this scene in the den add?
7.) Our intention was to literally fish for our (supper).
8.) two mallards flew off from where they landed.
--> always tell it in order.
--> two mallards landed on a swampy outcropping and then flew off (you can do better than my example, I'm sure) *smile*
9.) I removed the fish from off the hook it flopped around on
--> awkward - suggest:
--> I removed the flopping fish from his hook. (Though why is Cody removing the other guy's fish? Makes me think he's too squeamish or something.)
10.) Bluegill he'd just snagged into the Styrofoam cooler
--> this is like introducing the evil twin at the end of the story.. hahaha! Where did this cooler filled with ice come from? When the boys were on their way, you painted a pretty clear pix of them on their individual bikes carrying their poles in their hands. If the cooler is there, it should be mentioned earlier, please
11.) Finally, in your notes you say 'Will the two meet?' but it's actually three when you think about it - Matt, Cody and the bad guy(s)
--> or else the two groups, maybe? See what I'm saying?
Okay, hope this helps. Sorry for the lowered rating - if you decide to edit, let me know and I will happily return and re-rate.
Have a marvelous weekend!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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Thanks for the detailed review. These were noted and edited as necessary. Know this is WAY late, but unfortunately, some times life gets in the way of FanStory.
Comment from apky
What a joy to see that freckled face again - I missed reading this story over the weeks and I'm thrilled you're back on it again, Brett.
The writing is still excellent in style, dialogue, humour and plotline. I still got engaged in the compelling story that I've come to enjoy so much.
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
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What a joy to see that freckled face again - I missed reading this story over the weeks and I'm thrilled you're back on it again, Brett.
The writing is still excellent in style, dialogue, humour and plotline. I still got engaged in the compelling story that I've come to enjoy so much.
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
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Thanks. Appreciate the continue support and reviews.
Comment from Swampfox1
I think a major part of the problem is what is called the "Armchair narrarator". I have taken several "Creative Writing " courses at Nicholls State University and I, actually the class was always told to not use the armchair technique. It was rated as talking down to the audience/readers in a way and also stated to make the story less noteworthy.
"You write; --- " George Erickson was seated on my left side at our table at the Blind Pig Pub. He was a second year student majoring in psychology. I came to know him the first day I arrived on campus.
"Wow, Cody. Your life story is interesting," he proclaimed.
I took a sip of beer and replied, "I haven't even gotten to the best part yet, George. So, let me tell you about what happened at the Chinese laundry."
He settled back in his chair and said, "I'm listening. I really want to hear this, so go ahead. The floor is all yours, amigo."
I continued my story. "
I know that might sound cool to you. I have no idea how much writing experience you have, or if you are professional or not and I am not trying to be the expert here in any manner whatsoever. You asked how could you make it better. So what I would recommend is to either re-write that part above or to exclude it. My take on it, as a reader, is that you're patting yourself on the back and I have always been told don't do that, make your writing do it for you in such a way that the reader will compliment you. In other words, Don't write wow you have such an amazing story here, as though you and the character is or are watching a movie or something or having a conversation about the book. Don't have a conversation about the book inside the book. It is not cool, although it might sound good on television in chit chat sessions or even on youtube, this is neither one it is print and it is a totally different ballgame.
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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I think a major part of the problem is what is called the "Armchair narrarator". I have taken several "Creative Writing " courses at Nicholls State University and I, actually the class was always told to not use the armchair technique. It was rated as talking down to the audience/readers in a way and also stated to make the story less noteworthy.
"You write; --- " George Erickson was seated on my left side at our table at the Blind Pig Pub. He was a second year student majoring in psychology. I came to know him the first day I arrived on campus.
"Wow, Cody. Your life story is interesting," he proclaimed.
I took a sip of beer and replied, "I haven't even gotten to the best part yet, George. So, let me tell you about what happened at the Chinese laundry."
He settled back in his chair and said, "I'm listening. I really want to hear this, so go ahead. The floor is all yours, amigo."
I continued my story. "
I know that might sound cool to you. I have no idea how much writing experience you have, or if you are professional or not and I am not trying to be the expert here in any manner whatsoever. You asked how could you make it better. So what I would recommend is to either re-write that part above or to exclude it. My take on it, as a reader, is that you're patting yourself on the back and I have always been told don't do that, make your writing do it for you in such a way that the reader will compliment you. In other words, Don't write wow you have such an amazing story here, as though you and the character is or are watching a movie or something or having a conversation about the book. Don't have a conversation about the book inside the book. It is not cool, although it might sound good on television in chit chat sessions or even on youtube, this is neither one it is print and it is a totally different ballgame.
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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I will chalk this review up to you once again misreading the storyline as you did with the chapter known as "Scratch". Let me know how I can make the storyline clearer for you. Perhaps if you were more familiar with the setting that would also assist your understanding.
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True that. It would help.But I don't want to tell you how to write your story. I will read again and post the answer here
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Once again, I will update the comments on this one as I did with the other chapter. You are correct in being more familiar with the setting. I have read several chapters and have left great comments, at least I feel. But I think it was more of a matter of being under the weather. I have changed the comments , added new comments and I am adding it here, just in case or to save you time: ___----- I think a major part of the problem is what is called the "Armchair narrarator". I have taken several "Creative Writing " courses at Nicholls State University and I, actually the class was always told to not use the armchair technique. It was rated as talking down to the audience/readers in a way and also stated to make the story less noteworthy.
"You write; --- " George Erickson was seated on my left side at our table at the Blind Pig Pub. He was a second year student majoring in psychology. I came to know him the first day I arrived on campus.
"Wow, Cody. Your life story is interesting," he proclaimed.
I took a sip of beer and replied, "I haven't even gotten to the best part yet, George. So, let me tell you about what happened at the Chinese laundry."
He settled back in his chair and said, "I'm listening. I really want to hear this, so go ahead. The floor is all yours, amigo."
I continued my story. "
I know that might sound cool to you. I have no idea how much writing experience you have, or if you are professional or not and I am not trying to be the expert here in any manner whatsoever. You asked how could you make it better. So what I would recommend is to either re-write that part above or to exclude it. My take on it, as a reader, is that you're patting yourself on the back and I have always been told don't do that, make your writing do it for you in such a way that the reader will compliment you. In other words, Don't write wow you have such an amazing story here, as though you and the character is or are watching a movie or something or having a conversation about the book. Don't have a conversation about the book inside the book. It is not cool, although it might sound good on television in chit chat sessions or even on youtube, this is neither one it is print and it is a totally different ballgame.
Comment from royowen
The story of a badly abused boy, Cody. who has been rescued and adopted by the town Sherrif of Astatula, has been trying to adjust to life as a boy in fortunate circumstances. He goes fishing with his friend, Matt, but there is a feeling of foreboding, as their are killers at large. Well done Brett, good scribing, blessjngs, Roy
Typo "you can stand to watch much more of that movie"?
reply by the author on 23-May-2018
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The story of a badly abused boy, Cody. who has been rescued and adopted by the town Sherrif of Astatula, has been trying to adjust to life as a boy in fortunate circumstances. He goes fishing with his friend, Matt, but there is a feeling of foreboding, as their are killers at large. Well done Brett, good scribing, blessjngs, Roy
Typo "you can stand to watch much more of that movie"?
Comment Written 21-May-2018
reply by the author on 23-May-2018
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Thank you very much for the review. Appreciate you taking the time to read this portion of Cody's story and write one.
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My pleasure
