Pete the Parakeet - A 70's Date
My date with the boss's son... Pete the 6'2 parakeet30 total reviews
Comment from AnnieDawn
You have the gift and I loved your story from beginning to end. Not just the story but the excellent way you told it. You have my vote although the other entry was very good too. Great job.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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You have the gift and I loved your story from beginning to end. Not just the story but the excellent way you told it. You have my vote although the other entry was very good too. Great job.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much, Annie, for your RR&R, and the little green cross which compliments my green theme!! Very much appreciated!! Thank you for hanging in for the longer read, being 3/4 Irish...wordiness goes with the territory :) Jave a great day, Annie!
Comment from DonandVicki
Your well written romance is one that is fun and exciting to follow. I enjoy the well formed characters. Your writing and story pull the reader away from reality for a time.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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Your well written romance is one that is fun and exciting to follow. I enjoy the well formed characters. Your writing and story pull the reader away from reality for a time.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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Thank you, very much, Don, for your review and rating. I also appreciate you hanging in for the longer read. I am finding that these are passed over here on fanstory in lieu of the shorter poems. So I appreciate that and your continued follow. Have a great evening!
Comment from Albertholden
Wonderful story moving smoothly to an end. Let's hope this experience didn't twist your mind. Perhaps Jesus, Joseph and Mary appeared more than they should. Brunei escaped her locked cell often and added color both to your date and to your story. No story is better than a real experience. Your ability to turn actions into words makes funny experiences into a hilarious fun train. Here's hopping your date couldn't read your mind. I'm sure he would have run for home. There must have been something good about him. Would it have made the other traits more entertaining? Perhaps?
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2016
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Wonderful story moving smoothly to an end. Let's hope this experience didn't twist your mind. Perhaps Jesus, Joseph and Mary appeared more than they should. Brunei escaped her locked cell often and added color both to your date and to your story. No story is better than a real experience. Your ability to turn actions into words makes funny experiences into a hilarious fun train. Here's hopping your date couldn't read your mind. I'm sure he would have run for home. There must have been something good about him. Would it have made the other traits more entertaining? Perhaps?
Comment Written 26-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Albert, for your RR&R. I enjoyed reading your comments and will look at the overuse of JM&J. It is a long standing Irish term and I felt it lended well to the theme, but I will go back and determine if I need to pare it down. Thank you for your thoughtful review. Very much appreciated.
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Thank you for writing such a fun story.
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Thank you again, Albert!
Comment from way2gokevs
Well I really enjoyed this very funny story, had a smile on my dial from ear to ear.
The story line was perfect and the little jibs and jabs of smart arse name calling added so much life to this story.
A well earned 6 stars from me for a truly romantic story with lots of twists and turns. Good luck in the contest, I think you are on a winner.
Cheers
Kev
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2016
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Well I really enjoyed this very funny story, had a smile on my dial from ear to ear.
The story line was perfect and the little jibs and jabs of smart arse name calling added so much life to this story.
A well earned 6 stars from me for a truly romantic story with lots of twists and turns. Good luck in the contest, I think you are on a winner.
Cheers
Kev
Comment Written 26-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Kev, for your RR&R and for that outstanding little green cross...my favorite! I am so happy to hear that it adjusted your 'dial'. That was a hoot to read in itself! I am so glad you stopped by and hung in for a longer read. Have an awesome day!
Comment from Winslow
Dear Irish,
Parts of this are quite funny. I love some of the internal thoughts about your date. I also like the sarcastic tone which fits the tale.
What I don't like is the wordiness. Also I would delete the opening mace date and concentrate on Mr. Parakeet.
Here is a suggested edit for this section:
As Pete headed for the driver's door of the soon-to-be rolling greenhouse, Brunhilda quipped I should do a quick search of the glove box and console for the missing cuffs. I ignored her obvious profiling attempt and fastened my seat belt as I whispered Jesus, Mary and Joseph, a go-to-phrase I learned from my mom. She would invoke it during times of stress or when she burned dinner.
I followed the interjection with my favorite go-to phrase, "What the foooook have I gotten myself into." I closed strong with a quick call to St. Patrick for an intervention about the time Pete's seat belt clicked.
Brunhilda whispered she, too, prayed for an intervention in the form of an apparition...a potato truck to come out of nowhere and slam into the left side of the car.
I hope this helps. Good luck in the contest.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2016
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Dear Irish,
Parts of this are quite funny. I love some of the internal thoughts about your date. I also like the sarcastic tone which fits the tale.
What I don't like is the wordiness. Also I would delete the opening mace date and concentrate on Mr. Parakeet.
Here is a suggested edit for this section:
As Pete headed for the driver's door of the soon-to-be rolling greenhouse, Brunhilda quipped I should do a quick search of the glove box and console for the missing cuffs. I ignored her obvious profiling attempt and fastened my seat belt as I whispered Jesus, Mary and Joseph, a go-to-phrase I learned from my mom. She would invoke it during times of stress or when she burned dinner.
I followed the interjection with my favorite go-to phrase, "What the foooook have I gotten myself into." I closed strong with a quick call to St. Patrick for an intervention about the time Pete's seat belt clicked.
Brunhilda whispered she, too, prayed for an intervention in the form of an apparition...a potato truck to come out of nowhere and slam into the left side of the car.
I hope this helps. Good luck in the contest.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 21-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2016
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Winslow, thank you so much for the edit suggestions, they are perfect and I have made the adjustments. I do tend to get wordy and that is something I need to work on, so I appreciate you calling to attention that fact. I condensed the opening paragraph quite a bit regarding the mace date. I didn't want to entirely remove it as it lends to my awkwardness throughout my dating season. I mean seriously, who maces a perfect gentlemen on a date while he's driving??!! haha. Thank you so much for your awesome help.
Comment from MTF1955
You had me screaming! That was so funny. All the sarcasm and the eye popping descriptions just never stopped. Please another. Great job. Mary
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2016
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You had me screaming! That was so funny. All the sarcasm and the eye popping descriptions just never stopped. Please another. Great job. Mary
Comment Written 19-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2016
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Haha, thank you so much for the exceptional review and even more for your comments. I was afraid I may have gone a little too far with the green theme, as my husband suggested I did. I appreciate you hanging in for a longer read too! Have an awesome evening! You made mine TERRIFIC!!!
Comment from jane.fallon
Very well done.
I like the use of the word "runneth'ing"
There are just a couple of things which may need your attention.
I call her Brunhilda which is fitting because she kind of a witch in her constant blabbing inside my head. This sentence could possibly be improved by making changes as follows: I call her Brunhilda, which is fitting because she is a kind of a witch (with her constant blabbing inside my head).
Brits (plural) not Brit's (possessive)
hadn't had a hand in .... should this be "hadn't contributed"
Wishful.thinking. An extra fullstop slipped in. It should be "Wishful thinking. "
woot woot, SAVED BY THE KANK'S!! should be in speech marks
you missed one ..... in speech marks?
I KNEW IT!!!!!! ... speech marks?
Well done. I hope you have success in your writing and I hope you don't mind me pointing out these little things.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Very well done.
I like the use of the word "runneth'ing"
There are just a couple of things which may need your attention.
I call her Brunhilda which is fitting because she kind of a witch in her constant blabbing inside my head. This sentence could possibly be improved by making changes as follows: I call her Brunhilda, which is fitting because she is a kind of a witch (with her constant blabbing inside my head).
Brits (plural) not Brit's (possessive)
hadn't had a hand in .... should this be "hadn't contributed"
Wishful.thinking. An extra fullstop slipped in. It should be "Wishful thinking. "
woot woot, SAVED BY THE KANK'S!! should be in speech marks
you missed one ..... in speech marks?
I KNEW IT!!!!!! ... speech marks?
Well done. I hope you have success in your writing and I hope you don't mind me pointing out these little things.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you for your thorough and helpful review, Jane. I very much appreciate it, and made the changes you suggested. I was hesitant about using quotes for Brunhilda since she isn't a real person, but understand the need for clarity with them. Thank you again for taking the time with the longer read, and going the extra mile in reviewing and making suggestions. Have a great evening.
Comment from damommy
This is hilarious!
It's so well written, I don't have anything to say except I like it very much. I've laughed until my side hurt.
Thank you for sharing this. I've really enjoyed it. 8-)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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This is hilarious!
It's so well written, I don't have anything to say except I like it very much. I've laughed until my side hurt.
Thank you for sharing this. I've really enjoyed it. 8-)
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much damommy for your rating, review and commitment to a longer read. Very much appreciated.
Comment from richie m
makes me glad the the dating eras 50+ yrs. in the rear view mirror,thank heaven!
this was almost too much excruciating detail.but i'm guessin' that mr.Green Jeans
really had the hand-cuffs. Most likely he was just accessorizing and not intending them for recreational use.--NICE ESCAPE!--well done!--dm
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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makes me glad the the dating eras 50+ yrs. in the rear view mirror,thank heaven!
this was almost too much excruciating detail.but i'm guessin' that mr.Green Jeans
really had the hand-cuffs. Most likely he was just accessorizing and not intending them for recreational use.--NICE ESCAPE!--well done!--dm
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you for the review and rating, Richie. Yes, he really had the handcuff's...every day off clinging for life from his Levi Husky's fits. I guess you never know when a sheriff deputy might need to use them on a day off! Thanks again for your review and rating, and committing to a longer read :)
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darn -- now I've gone and cuffed myself to the bed---where is that key? housekeeping will be here soon--they always expect extra when these things happen.--dm
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Haha
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello Author,
This story has its amusing moments. That was definitely a disastrous date, and your imagination in choosing to describe it as you did is stunning.
Your lead-in to the story needs refinement. Fanstorians who scroll down will know this is was written in response to a contest prompt, but opening as you did doesn't allow the story to stand on its own.
I didn't understand the reference to spelling "mace" in your first paragraph. The first two sentences in your second paragraph are sentence fragments, suggesting that you wrote this quickly and then posted without editing. Perhaps that's not the case, but the passage of time between writing and a final proofread often allows one to pick up on and correct these minor errors.
Your story has promise. One thing beginning writers struggle with--I know I did--is the distance between the page, and the story in your head. We must remember that the reader doesn't know what we know. S/he it clueless, and it's up to us to fill in all the blanks. Assume nothing. Make sure that if your story were translated to Chinese or Arabic, nothing would be lost in the translation.
Even though you submitted this, you can still edit and post a revised version.
I wish you well in the contest. I mean that.
Write on!
Lana
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Hello Author,
This story has its amusing moments. That was definitely a disastrous date, and your imagination in choosing to describe it as you did is stunning.
Your lead-in to the story needs refinement. Fanstorians who scroll down will know this is was written in response to a contest prompt, but opening as you did doesn't allow the story to stand on its own.
I didn't understand the reference to spelling "mace" in your first paragraph. The first two sentences in your second paragraph are sentence fragments, suggesting that you wrote this quickly and then posted without editing. Perhaps that's not the case, but the passage of time between writing and a final proofread often allows one to pick up on and correct these minor errors.
Your story has promise. One thing beginning writers struggle with--I know I did--is the distance between the page, and the story in your head. We must remember that the reader doesn't know what we know. S/he it clueless, and it's up to us to fill in all the blanks. Assume nothing. Make sure that if your story were translated to Chinese or Arabic, nothing would be lost in the translation.
Even though you submitted this, you can still edit and post a revised version.
I wish you well in the contest. I mean that.
Write on!
Lana
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you for your honest review, Lana. I appreciate your comments and will look to improve it based on your input. This is anything from a fast proofread...This version is at least after 10 rewrites. I did note a few things did not carry over correctly from the copy and paste from Word once I posted, and I have made those corrections as quickly as possible, but likely after your review. The mace referred to a date where I actually maced a guy. I added the period's between the letters for emphasis, and noted that was another story for another time...Again, thank you for the thoughtful and helpful review.
