It
A strange feeling leads to tragedy27 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oooh, this is an eerie one! You have quite the imagination! If I may, though, I would like to make two suggestions; the first is about keeping the connection with your reader. The second is simply polish, to make the read smooth - it's simply to put 'thought' into italics.
Paragraph 7 - I would suggest, for clarity, that the second sentence also reads the same way the first one did = "He'd taken the elevator" instead of the more immediate "He took" - it keeps your reader aware that Jack is feeling the unease currently over his recent PAST exposure to the homeless man. I would do the same thing with the first sentence of the next paragraph as well. ("The man had been simply sitting, staring at...") and with subsequent sentences until you bring the reader into the present again (rather than explaining where the disquiet might be coming from...) yes? Here we are back to the 'immediacy' = "That was five hours ago."
Your conclusion is a shocker, and you built the suspense well - best of luck in the contest!
~~~addition:
I just checked the contest requirements - you need to specify somewhere (I'd suggest in your notes, or at the beginning, in a different colored font) WHERE you 'found' your inspiration - you need to give the title of the book and the line you are using. Good luck!
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Oooh, this is an eerie one! You have quite the imagination! If I may, though, I would like to make two suggestions; the first is about keeping the connection with your reader. The second is simply polish, to make the read smooth - it's simply to put 'thought' into italics.
Paragraph 7 - I would suggest, for clarity, that the second sentence also reads the same way the first one did = "He'd taken the elevator" instead of the more immediate "He took" - it keeps your reader aware that Jack is feeling the unease currently over his recent PAST exposure to the homeless man. I would do the same thing with the first sentence of the next paragraph as well. ("The man had been simply sitting, staring at...") and with subsequent sentences until you bring the reader into the present again (rather than explaining where the disquiet might be coming from...) yes? Here we are back to the 'immediacy' = "That was five hours ago."
Your conclusion is a shocker, and you built the suspense well - best of luck in the contest!
~~~addition:
I just checked the contest requirements - you need to specify somewhere (I'd suggest in your notes, or at the beginning, in a different colored font) WHERE you 'found' your inspiration - you need to give the title of the book and the line you are using. Good luck!
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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I am printing your response at this moment so that I can go and make the great changes. This is why I love Fan Story . People like you.
I thought I put the descriptions and the line in the authors note I will check that too. THank you so much.
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OH! My bad - you did! I am so used to putting things like that at the top in different colored text - I should have checked, especially since the notes only occurred to me as an afterthought!
In any event, my apologies, and I'm glad you were please with the rest. Thank you for your wonderful compliment too - I'm honored!
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Would you mind checking it again after I made the changes? I instantly trust you.
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Not at all - I'd be happy to, but it will have to be later this afternoon as I've been up since 5:30 a.m. after only going to bed three hours earlier. (Poor sleeping patterns!) If you have not seen a message from me by this evening saying I've read it, feel free to give me a stern reminder, yes? :)
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You're welcome.
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"He was twenty feet from him when (the man) spoke." <---I missed this one - since they're both "he", specifying makes it less confusing - the reader doesn't have to think about it, you know? So far it's looking great! I'm reading on...
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Okay, two more minor changes -
1) "Mason walked (into) the room..." "walked (in)" suggests he might have already been there
2) "The man had left." Here's where we are ruthless - we cut out as many superfluous words as possible so that what remains has impact (shock value/elicits sympathy, etc.) but doesn't lose any meaning = "He was gone" (for example) - it also eliminates that "had" again - I have a tendency to use "had" too much also, and was called on it last year by a member here. I can't say it's not perfect for some instances, but we need to be careful we don't overdo that 'past' explaining, yes?
All in all, I'd say you've made some wonderful changes - the story is even better now! Best of luck!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a brilliant short story, and I am just sorry I haven't a six left. It was creepy, weird, frightening and really well written. I think you might have nailed this contest, it is so different and very original. Well done, and good luck! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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That was a brilliant short story, and I am just sorry I haven't a six left. It was creepy, weird, frightening and really well written. I think you might have nailed this contest, it is so different and very original. Well done, and good luck! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much. It was very weird writing something with a sad ending. I like happy things but thats where the story evolved.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A well written story. For me the message is never treat others badly, it will come back to you one or other time and bite you in the back.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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A well written story. For me the message is never treat others badly, it will come back to you one or other time and bite you in the back.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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So true and so well said , thank you.
Comment from frogbook
this was really good, creepy and surprising with chilling characters and an original storyline. Should be a real contender in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
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this was really good, creepy and surprising with chilling characters and an original storyline. Should be a real contender in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
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Thank you, I hate sad endings but this story had to go there.
Comment from DonandVicki
A very frightening short story. It reminds me of something written by Stephen King, very much his style. The story is easy to follow and exciting.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
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A very frightening short story. It reminds me of something written by Stephen King, very much his style. The story is easy to follow and exciting.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much. These challenges are so frightening . I usually only like happy endings and this one was terrible.
but I guess not all stories end happily.
Comment from wilkswrites
WOW!!!!! That was an awesome story. Your imagination is rich. Your writing skills are strong as you keep the audience interested in the next line and the next and the next. This read like a movie, and I could picture what was happening vividly. GREAT piece. You should win this one. For sure! Good Luck to you!
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
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WOW!!!!! That was an awesome story. Your imagination is rich. Your writing skills are strong as you keep the audience interested in the next line and the next and the next. This read like a movie, and I could picture what was happening vividly. GREAT piece. You should win this one. For sure! Good Luck to you!
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much. When I first came here, I couldn't edit a ten line poem. Now I still make mistakes but I am learning so much. The people here are amazing. You made my day.
Comment from Douglas Paul
This story in riveting. Your writing is clear and fluid and your story flows smoothly. I saw no errors. The story is really creative and I love your ending. Very well done, Judy
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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
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This story in riveting. Your writing is clear and fluid and your story flows smoothly. I saw no errors. The story is really creative and I love your ending. Very well done, Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
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thank you so much. I just finished editing it and adding a picture. I had posted it after writing it in a word document and it took all my paragraphs away. It looks better now. Thank you so much for reading my works.
