It
A strange feeling leads to tragedy27 total reviews
Comment from Marykelly
The setting and characters are well described and I can follow Jack's progress as he parks and walks to his office passing the homeless man on the street. Jack's discomfort is real and he leaves his office to go home. I have a little bit of trouble with the homeless man and his companion knowing so much about Jack since he has been hospitalized for a long time. Maybe a little more preparation for this confrontation would give it more credibility.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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The setting and characters are well described and I can follow Jack's progress as he parks and walks to his office passing the homeless man on the street. Jack's discomfort is real and he leaves his office to go home. I have a little bit of trouble with the homeless man and his companion knowing so much about Jack since he has been hospitalized for a long time. Maybe a little more preparation for this confrontation would give it more credibility.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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Great point. The people hospitalized probably wouldn't know the executives in the office. I could only use less than 1000 words but I think you are right and that could be a problem.
Comment from GeraldS
This is a nice story that seems a good fit for this contest. The twist at the end is excellent. The piece starts slowly but picks up steam as it progresses.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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This is a nice story that seems a good fit for this contest. The twist at the end is excellent. The piece starts slowly but picks up steam as it progresses.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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Thank you very much for reading this. I appreciate it so much .
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Drug addiction is indeed "Hell on earth" as you stated in this well written story.
And it affects everyone associated with the addiction.
Should be a good contest entry.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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Drug addiction is indeed "Hell on earth" as you stated in this well written story.
And it affects everyone associated with the addiction.
Should be a good contest entry.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much. I enjoyed writing this.
Comment from trumby
very suitably mysterious and spooky.
This piece held my attention throughout the story.
It built the character of the lead person very well.
No typos or spags.
It was a pleasure to review
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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very suitably mysterious and spooky.
This piece held my attention throughout the story.
It built the character of the lead person very well.
No typos or spags.
It was a pleasure to review
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much. The only reason there weren't typos is because great people at Fan story already got me on them. By the way what is a spag.
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Spelling, Punctuation And Grammar
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You did a good job of inserting that line from Bradbury's book into the piece (one of my favourite books).
Jack had parked across the street at the high rise on the corner of First and Main. He'd taken the elevator to the first floor. His office was on the opposite corner.
The man was simply sitting, staring at all who walked by. He was clean for a homeless person if that is what he was. The cardboard sign he held had four words, "The Time Has Come." - the sequencing feels wrong here. Where was the homeless man sitting? I assumed on the way to his office rather outside his office. It is the 'taking the elevator' that threw me a bit.
I think it would read clearer if you took out the elevator bit.
Since when do you call me and worry. - perhaps a question mark in here?
He hung up the phone - you don't really need 'the phone' here.
He had a big office now. It had its own bathroom and shower - you could streamline this a bit to - He had a big office now with its own bathroom and shower.
'His mind started to question his reality.- delete the ' from the beginning of this sentence.
A man made hell - manmade.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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Hi there,
You did a good job of inserting that line from Bradbury's book into the piece (one of my favourite books).
Jack had parked across the street at the high rise on the corner of First and Main. He'd taken the elevator to the first floor. His office was on the opposite corner.
The man was simply sitting, staring at all who walked by. He was clean for a homeless person if that is what he was. The cardboard sign he held had four words, "The Time Has Come." - the sequencing feels wrong here. Where was the homeless man sitting? I assumed on the way to his office rather outside his office. It is the 'taking the elevator' that threw me a bit.
I think it would read clearer if you took out the elevator bit.
Since when do you call me and worry. - perhaps a question mark in here?
He hung up the phone - you don't really need 'the phone' here.
He had a big office now. It had its own bathroom and shower - you could streamline this a bit to - He had a big office now with its own bathroom and shower.
'His mind started to question his reality.- delete the ' from the beginning of this sentence.
A man made hell - manmade.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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Great critic and thank you so much for all the corrections. I am sure it will help.
Comment from JTStone
A righteous five stars, cuz I'm outta sixes.
That was an awesome story. If you don't win it would be a travesty.
I loved the way you used the early mental shadow play to suck me in as a reader. It carried on through the story and to the encounter with the true victim. The justice was served as it should be to those who profit from the poison they sell.
Outstanding story.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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A righteous five stars, cuz I'm outta sixes.
That was an awesome story. If you don't win it would be a travesty.
I loved the way you used the early mental shadow play to suck me in as a reader. It carried on through the story and to the encounter with the true victim. The justice was served as it should be to those who profit from the poison they sell.
Outstanding story.
Jimmy
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much. I had a great time writing it. I also got a lot of help on this site editing it.
Comment from LIJ Red
Ah, one of those found fictions. And a good one. From one of my favorites,
old Martian Chronicles himself. One more line or two would be nice, describing the Hell on Earth the pills were bringing. Zombie Apocalypse?
Not essential, though. Excellent.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Ah, one of those found fictions. And a good one. From one of my favorites,
old Martian Chronicles himself. One more line or two would be nice, describing the Hell on Earth the pills were bringing. Zombie Apocalypse?
Not essential, though. Excellent.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much. I enjoyed writing it. I had a lot of help on fanstory editing. it. Your right they are like Zombies, medicated ones.
Comment from A.A.A.EXHILARATING RIDE
Wow! I've no sixes left, but having travelled through such medically empowered and socially condoned and exploited hell, I value reading this immensely. For, I see in our world of declining mankind, so much humanity stuck in the silencing of institutional growth and dependence on the limits of its increasingly destructive decline; in fear of wakening co-creative humanity and love inspired lives of rising potential and compassion.
Thank you so much for sharing, blessings, Maureen*&*
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Wow! I've no sixes left, but having travelled through such medically empowered and socially condoned and exploited hell, I value reading this immensely. For, I see in our world of declining mankind, so much humanity stuck in the silencing of institutional growth and dependence on the limits of its increasingly destructive decline; in fear of wakening co-creative humanity and love inspired lives of rising potential and compassion.
Thank you so much for sharing, blessings, Maureen*&*
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Wow, You are a vocabulary lesson in yourself. I love that. Thank you so much. The people on this site are amazing.
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Yes! Truly this site is the spice, and nourishment for my life as it unfolds each week. We are truly blest, Maureen*&*
Comment from teols2016
Nice reference to a great piece of literature. I was wondering what would happen, especially since the word "trradgegy" was in your story's description. This is tragic in a more unique way. Well done.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Nice reference to a great piece of literature. I was wondering what would happen, especially since the word "trradgegy" was in your story's description. This is tragic in a more unique way. Well done.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Thank you , Great story about finding the quote. I was at the high school I teach at and in my choir room I had no novels. So I asked the students in my Jazz choir if they had any novels with them. They were of course studying Fahrenheit 451 and this is what was on that page.
Comment from Dustybones
Darn good post. Reminds me of people with mental illnesses, like anxiety. Their doctors give them anti anxiety pills which make them feel nothing. Good story, you have me thinking.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Darn good post. Reminds me of people with mental illnesses, like anxiety. Their doctors give them anti anxiety pills which make them feel nothing. Good story, you have me thinking.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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thank you so much, It is a strange but possibly true story.
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Try to return a review if you can. Please. I feel lonely.
