A Find Most Rare.
Romantic fiction.32 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
What a Sweet story, Mel. I didn't realize it was biographical. You are quite a good story-teller. Very entertaining, witty, charming. There were quite a few nits which I normally deduct a star for (in order to be consistent) but since I downloaded this earlier today and just now got to read it, I didn't want to penalize you for many of the things you probably already corrected.
Next Saturday at 7:30 am with a pair of borrowed hiking boots, I found myself.[Mel, someone's probably already pointed this out to you since I'm late in reviewing it, but "Next Saturday" hasn't happened yet, so you can't finish the sentence with "I found". It could be "On the following Saturday ... I found ...]
Introspective, and with plenty of time for thought about this new feeling of continual excitement. [This is an incomplete sentence, not a sentence fragment whose occasional use has its place in a story. You could make it a complete sentence by changing it to "BEING introspective, I WAS LEFT WITH ( or, "I HAD" ) plenty of time for thought ... etc."]
"Saw yoo limping there," he picked his teeth, ["Saw YOU limping there,"]
"Saw yoo limping there," he picked his teeth, [Also, you shouldn't use a physical action as a speech tag. You can say, "Saw YOU limping there," he SAID, picking his teeth (or some such)]
My nodd was automatic [My NOD was automatic.]
soaking there feet at once. You can imagine how greatful I was for this [... soaking THEIR feet at once. You can imagine how GRATEFUL I was for this ...]
the red cross tent beckoned me. [the Red Cross tent ...]
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
  |
What a Sweet story, Mel. I didn't realize it was biographical. You are quite a good story-teller. Very entertaining, witty, charming. There were quite a few nits which I normally deduct a star for (in order to be consistent) but since I downloaded this earlier today and just now got to read it, I didn't want to penalize you for many of the things you probably already corrected.
Next Saturday at 7:30 am with a pair of borrowed hiking boots, I found myself.[Mel, someone's probably already pointed this out to you since I'm late in reviewing it, but "Next Saturday" hasn't happened yet, so you can't finish the sentence with "I found". It could be "On the following Saturday ... I found ...]
Introspective, and with plenty of time for thought about this new feeling of continual excitement. [This is an incomplete sentence, not a sentence fragment whose occasional use has its place in a story. You could make it a complete sentence by changing it to "BEING introspective, I WAS LEFT WITH ( or, "I HAD" ) plenty of time for thought ... etc."]
"Saw yoo limping there," he picked his teeth, ["Saw YOU limping there,"]
"Saw yoo limping there," he picked his teeth, [Also, you shouldn't use a physical action as a speech tag. You can say, "Saw YOU limping there," he SAID, picking his teeth (or some such)]
My nodd was automatic [My NOD was automatic.]
soaking there feet at once. You can imagine how greatful I was for this [... soaking THEIR feet at once. You can imagine how GRATEFUL I was for this ...]
the red cross tent beckoned me. [the Red Cross tent ...]
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
-
Thank you Jay. This is what happens when I don't edit enough after last minute changes. This is fiction, I changed to first person and spoke through Jeff. But I dare say there's a bit of me in all that.
'Next Saturday' is how I speak and I would never have guessed it to be wrong. I will change that.
'Saw yoo limping'... tried to make a local dialect and changed my mind, it slipped past edit. I don't spell you as... yoo... normally. LOL
Thank you once again Jay, I always appreciate you reviews... ~Mel~
-
You are always welcome, Mel.
Comment from w.j.debi
What a wonderful story. Yes, it is romantic. All the pain that was felt in those poor feet was worth it for a life-long gain of love. Your character must have been inspired, prepared for the race or not.
Your narrative voice is easy to follow as it invites the reader to listen to an interesting story.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
|
What a wonderful story. Yes, it is romantic. All the pain that was felt in those poor feet was worth it for a life-long gain of love. Your character must have been inspired, prepared for the race or not.
Your narrative voice is easy to follow as it invites the reader to listen to an interesting story.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
-
Thank you w.j.debi, for your kind review. I appreciate your comments, and interest... ~Mel~
Comment from robyn corum
Mel,
I didn't notice if you labeled this as fiction or non-fiction. Funny, it reads like fiction, but in my head sounds real! Great job. Good luck in this contest!
One small note, if I may:
You can imagine how (grateful) I was for this untimely
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
|
Mel,
I didn't notice if you labeled this as fiction or non-fiction. Funny, it reads like fiction, but in my head sounds real! Great job. Good luck in this contest!
One small note, if I may:
You can imagine how (grateful) I was for this untimely
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
-
Hi Robyn,
Thank you. I have staged the story in authentic surroundings. The annual walk still takes place and draws walkers from all over the world. My description of it is authentic and I did it once, but I didn't meet any fair maidens. Mine followed me in a car. True!.. ~Mel~
Comment from DonandVicki
Your well written Romance is well writen and easy to follow. The characters are very believable and the plot is very exciting, you know how to pull the reader into the story.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
|
Your well written Romance is well writen and easy to follow. The characters are very believable and the plot is very exciting, you know how to pull the reader into the story.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
-
Thank you DonandVicki, for your kind review. This is much appreciated... ~Mel~
Comment from Rookette
Such a sweet story with an unexpected fairytale ending! This was an enjoyable read. I'm glad that the boys persistence paid off 10 fold. Great work on this! xoLeslie
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
|
Such a sweet story with an unexpected fairytale ending! This was an enjoyable read. I'm glad that the boys persistence paid off 10 fold. Great work on this! xoLeslie
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
-
Thank you Rookette, for your kind review. This is much appreciated... ~Mel~
Comment from teols2016
A sweet story. Glad this gentleman found love through unexpected circumstances...that's perhaps the best way. I enjoyed reading this. Well done.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
|
A sweet story. Glad this gentleman found love through unexpected circumstances...that's perhaps the best way. I enjoyed reading this. Well done.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
-
Thank you teols2016, for your kind review. I am pleased you enjoyed it... ~Mel~
Comment from konni
Interesting as your experiences may be, you can't create an expectation and then switch topic. If this is a love story you need to make this clear from the very first lines. You need to develop that, providing info that readers can see, hear, or imagine-- concrete sensory detail so that we can experience it, too.
Maybe start the story with seeing her for the first time-- she's pretty--describe her. Well-spoken--how, what did she say? your heart rate, her hand shaking, etc--do more of that.
You've got the setting, the characters, now you need to make them real for us!
Best of luck!
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
 |
Interesting as your experiences may be, you can't create an expectation and then switch topic. If this is a love story you need to make this clear from the very first lines. You need to develop that, providing info that readers can see, hear, or imagine-- concrete sensory detail so that we can experience it, too.
Maybe start the story with seeing her for the first time-- she's pretty--describe her. Well-spoken--how, what did she say? your heart rate, her hand shaking, etc--do more of that.
You've got the setting, the characters, now you need to make them real for us!
Best of luck!
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
-
I started off writing a sharp reply, then erased it. The reason is that I always appreciate it when reviewers spend time on my work.
This is not a love story it's classification is romantic fiction.
I wasn't aware I had created an expectation. I have written horror in the past labeled as horror. If the horrific bits only come at the last quarter of the story is that wrong too?
Writing a max 1000 word story, I left the meeting to the end to tie the plot together in a romantic way. The whole story is only about 920 words. It's not as if I left it for 100 pages.
I am also aware that the story is not as polished as usual and is a work in progress. I thank you for your time... ~Mel~
Comment from jusylee72
Sweet romantic story , should make a good contest entry. I think you have told it well.
Where does the Martian come into it. I looked but I am not familiar with that So I really don't see it.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
|
Sweet romantic story , should make a good contest entry. I think you have told it well.
Where does the Martian come into it. I looked but I am not familiar with that So I really don't see it.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
-
Thank you justlee72...
Comment from trailblazer101
A great place for a twenty year old where bars and dance halls were cheap, and the entertainment free.
No verb
Or perhaps my pleasure at being able to raise fifteen pounds, provided of course that I finished.
yoo? Did you mean "you"
My nodd was automatic
Did you mean "nod"?
There should be "their" for your five thousand runners
And with such clarity that in your imagination you felt you could reach out and touch them
Attach this to another sentence. It's good but out of place as is.
And with such clarity that in your imagination you felt you could reach out and touch them
It's a modifying sentence. Needs a verb or attach it to a sentence.
In spite of the errors you took me on a trip and it was well covered for such a short piece. The romance was awful abrupt though.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
|
A great place for a twenty year old where bars and dance halls were cheap, and the entertainment free.
No verb
Or perhaps my pleasure at being able to raise fifteen pounds, provided of course that I finished.
yoo? Did you mean "you"
My nodd was automatic
Did you mean "nod"?
There should be "their" for your five thousand runners
And with such clarity that in your imagination you felt you could reach out and touch them
Attach this to another sentence. It's good but out of place as is.
And with such clarity that in your imagination you felt you could reach out and touch them
It's a modifying sentence. Needs a verb or attach it to a sentence.
In spite of the errors you took me on a trip and it was well covered for such a short piece. The romance was awful abrupt though.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
-
Thank you trailblazer, for your detailed review. I have tried to make the adjustments you advised. As well as that I've undertaken an extensive edit and partial re-write. Your review is most appreciated... ~Mel~
Comment from William Ross
Excellent a find so rare in deed. Great job on this wonderful story. well written good read. Good luck on the prompt. and enjoy your day.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
|
Excellent a find so rare in deed. Great job on this wonderful story. well written good read. Good luck on the prompt. and enjoy your day.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
-
Thank you William, for your kind review. Most appreciated... ~Mel~
