A Find Most Rare.
Romantic fiction.32 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
Walk-a-throns are definitely not my forte. Helen of Troy may be at the end...I'd pass. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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Walk-a-throns are definitely not my forte. Helen of Troy may be at the end...I'd pass. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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Thank you Charlie, it would take a bottle of JD and a terrorist with a gun behind me to make me do that these days. LOL ~Mel~
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I would travel to the finish line if some one would pick up my cab fare, return trip. You're welcome, Mel. Charlie
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I like this and the bulk of it ran well. I only stumbled with the bus bit a little
Jeff had seen a girl several times in a bus on her way into town to work. He just had to talk to her. This thought was far from his mind at the time. - this felt a little out of place. This is just a suggestion but you could write a paragraph at the start about him seeing her on the bus and as it passes the banner could catch his eye. It may feel more organic that way?
She leaned close her perfume delightful - perhaps a comma after close.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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Hi there,
I like this and the bulk of it ran well. I only stumbled with the bus bit a little
Jeff had seen a girl several times in a bus on her way into town to work. He just had to talk to her. This thought was far from his mind at the time. - this felt a little out of place. This is just a suggestion but you could write a paragraph at the start about him seeing her on the bus and as it passes the banner could catch his eye. It may feel more organic that way?
She leaned close her perfume delightful - perhaps a comma after close.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016
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Hi GMG, you are right it was a little last minuteish. I wanted a lead to introduce the girl at the beginning. Your suggestion is spot on and I'll work on that. As always my friend your input is most welcome and appreciated... ~Mel~
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I loved this romance flash fiction contest entry. I happen to really like romance too. At the end it made me say: ahhhh, I love it. I wish you the very best luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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I loved this romance flash fiction contest entry. I happen to really like romance too. At the end it made me say: ahhhh, I love it. I wish you the very best luck with the contest.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Thank you Barbara, I'm so pleased you liked it. The six stars mean a lot to me with the way the reviews were going up until now. As always I appreciate your review... Kind regards... ~Mel~
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I love reading stories about how people
met whether fact or fiction they are
always entertaining as was this story.
It takes talent to dream up a story such
as this. Well done. Good luck. Nancy
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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I love reading stories about how people
met whether fact or fiction they are
always entertaining as was this story.
It takes talent to dream up a story such
as this. Well done. Good luck. Nancy
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Thank you Nancy, for your kindness. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it. I value and appreciate your review... ~Mel~
Comment from MelB
I enjoyed reading this story on finding true love. One never knows where this will happen. I've never heard about the peeing on the feet before. Is that something that really works or was that a prank? A good contest entry.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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I enjoyed reading this story on finding true love. One never knows where this will happen. I've never heard about the peeing on the feet before. Is that something that really works or was that a prank? A good contest entry.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Thank you MelB, for your kind review. Yes it's true, and on the hands too. I think it's the uric acid that hardens the skin. I've no more useless info.tonight. LOL... ~Mel~
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Wow, I never knew that. Never know, might come in handy some day. LOL - about the useless info. I'm always game to learn more of it.
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How about soot and salt mixed to clean teeth with. Circa Victorian times...
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello WHB,
This is a fine story. The scene between Jeffery and Candice is lovely--artfully and tastefully written. Description is spot-on, pace is good, and you do an excellent job of characterization in such a short story. Bravo!
Here are some suggestions:
He was to describe this later, as a definite compulsion, and a guiding hand of fate.
This confusing sentence could be rewritten for clarity, and to avoid the passivity of, "He was to."
He would later describe this as a definite compulsion, a guiding hand of fate.
textile maintenance fitter, on this beautiful, peaceful and tax free island.
textile maintenance fitter on this beautiful, peaceful and tax-free island.
twenty-year-old
The town was [soon]<---Omit left behind
That bit about the "old army trick" is priceless.
The beautiful countryside proved to be a distraction and took my minds attention away from my blistered feet.
This sentence is over-written. Simplify. "Mind's attention" is correct, but "mind's" is unnecessary.
Comma following "clarity" is unnecessary.
For a moment I felt as if I had witnessed something personal
For a moment I felt as if I was witnessing something personal.
Active and Passive Voice - Purdue OWL - Purdue University
twenty-five miles
preoccupied
well-spoken
She sat me down and removed my boots with great care, a slight grimace crept across her face as she peeled my bloody socks away from my feet.
Run-on.
She sat me down. With great care she removed my boots. As she peeled bloody socks from my feet a slight grimace crept across her face.
Her perfume was delightful as she came close, this gave me chance for a close look at her name tag pinned on her apron
Rewrite for clarity, simplify.
My mind occupied by a certain young lady. Sentence fragment.
local doctor[comma] and Jersey born.
WHB, these are suggestions only--take or shake. This is truly a touching, romantic and fascinating story. I believe you stand an excellent chance of winning this contest.
Good luck to you!
Lana
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Hello WHB,
This is a fine story. The scene between Jeffery and Candice is lovely--artfully and tastefully written. Description is spot-on, pace is good, and you do an excellent job of characterization in such a short story. Bravo!
Here are some suggestions:
He was to describe this later, as a definite compulsion, and a guiding hand of fate.
This confusing sentence could be rewritten for clarity, and to avoid the passivity of, "He was to."
He would later describe this as a definite compulsion, a guiding hand of fate.
textile maintenance fitter, on this beautiful, peaceful and tax free island.
textile maintenance fitter on this beautiful, peaceful and tax-free island.
twenty-year-old
The town was [soon]<---Omit left behind
That bit about the "old army trick" is priceless.
The beautiful countryside proved to be a distraction and took my minds attention away from my blistered feet.
This sentence is over-written. Simplify. "Mind's attention" is correct, but "mind's" is unnecessary.
Comma following "clarity" is unnecessary.
For a moment I felt as if I had witnessed something personal
For a moment I felt as if I was witnessing something personal.
Active and Passive Voice - Purdue OWL - Purdue University
twenty-five miles
preoccupied
well-spoken
She sat me down and removed my boots with great care, a slight grimace crept across her face as she peeled my bloody socks away from my feet.
Run-on.
She sat me down. With great care she removed my boots. As she peeled bloody socks from my feet a slight grimace crept across her face.
Her perfume was delightful as she came close, this gave me chance for a close look at her name tag pinned on her apron
Rewrite for clarity, simplify.
My mind occupied by a certain young lady. Sentence fragment.
local doctor[comma] and Jersey born.
WHB, these are suggestions only--take or shake. This is truly a touching, romantic and fascinating story. I believe you stand an excellent chance of winning this contest.
Good luck to you!
Lana
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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I thank you most kindly WJ, for your kind and most helpful review. I have carried out all you suggested. And I believe I'm getting there with the story. Your help is most appreciated. Best wishes... ~Mel~
Comment from Suzsi
I liked the story and was disappointed that the end hurried to its conclusion. i felt that it would have been more important to find her and court her than in 6 sentences, you found her, courted her, she was Queen of the Flowers, you had 4 children and married for 44 years. But you spend most of the story concentrating on your blisters??? (p.s. the bit about peeing on the feet was Hilarious!)
I felt it was distracting to change the POV from Jeffrey to someone to back to Jeffrey at the beginning. I think keep it all the same POV as this only distracts...
However, I did enjoy the story and I'd like you to go and edit it and make it longer... please.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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I liked the story and was disappointed that the end hurried to its conclusion. i felt that it would have been more important to find her and court her than in 6 sentences, you found her, courted her, she was Queen of the Flowers, you had 4 children and married for 44 years. But you spend most of the story concentrating on your blisters??? (p.s. the bit about peeing on the feet was Hilarious!)
I felt it was distracting to change the POV from Jeffrey to someone to back to Jeffrey at the beginning. I think keep it all the same POV as this only distracts...
However, I did enjoy the story and I'd like you to go and edit it and make it longer... please.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Hi Suzi, thanks for the three stars.
If you check you will find that the tense is third person omnipotent this is constant up until the line ...'I'll let Jeff tell you in his own words.' Then first person...This is sometimes done in writing, and on this occasion you are the only one to find it off putting. I have been complimented on it.
The story is romantic fiction, not a love story otherwise I would have worded it accordingly.
May I point out that there is a 1,000 word limit and it is flash fiction (all extra words removed). Otherwise I would be pleased to lengthen it for you. However I may just edit it and make some adjustments.
The blisters did happen and I'm sure you would have brought them into the story to emphasis the determination to finish. Pure agony if you have experienced that, then you will understand my aim... ~Mel~
Comment from jpduck
An interesting story from a beautiful part of the world.
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
"Do you want me to tell you how you stop that happening?" (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'You can imagine how [greatful] *grateful* I was for this untimely piece of information'
'The [absolutely] beautiful countryside proved to be a distraction' (Adverbs should be avoided whenever possible. In this case, if you feel that the adjective 'beautiful' is not strong enough, then choose a stronger adjective {eg 'breathtaking'}, rather than use an adverb).
'That feeling travelled' ... 'that gorgeous bay' ... 'that ancient harbour' ... (In general, it is much better to use 'the' than 'that' in this kind of context).
'Candice Marie Rice--Jones...' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'Our eyes [crossed] *met* and we both looked away' (The way you have written it makes it sound as if you both went cross-eyed at that moment {!!}).
Adrian
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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An interesting story from a beautiful part of the world.
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
"Do you want me to tell you how you stop that happening?" (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'You can imagine how [greatful] *grateful* I was for this untimely piece of information'
'The [absolutely] beautiful countryside proved to be a distraction' (Adverbs should be avoided whenever possible. In this case, if you feel that the adjective 'beautiful' is not strong enough, then choose a stronger adjective {eg 'breathtaking'}, rather than use an adverb).
'That feeling travelled' ... 'that gorgeous bay' ... 'that ancient harbour' ... (In general, it is much better to use 'the' than 'that' in this kind of context).
'Candice Marie Rice--Jones...' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'Our eyes [crossed] *met* and we both looked away' (The way you have written it makes it sound as if you both went cross-eyed at that moment {!!}).
Adrian
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Thank you Adrian, for your kind and most helpful review. I have carried out all you suggested. And will make sure to try and remember your advice which is most appreciated. Kind regards... ~Mel~
Comment from LisaD123
This is a well-constructed and entertaining story and the shift in narrative voice works well. The descriptions of the walk and its physical toll are thoughtfully executed and the ending is skillfully constructed feeling natural, rather than contrived. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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This is a well-constructed and entertaining story and the shift in narrative voice works well. The descriptions of the walk and its physical toll are thoughtfully executed and the ending is skillfully constructed feeling natural, rather than contrived. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Thank you LisaD123, for your kind review. I'm pleased you found it entertaining and well constructed. Your review is most appreciated... ~Mel~
Comment from trumby
A very nice, beautiful and touching love story.
This almost sounds like a true story. Is it?
Very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Both characters were very believable and the setting was realistic.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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A very nice, beautiful and touching love story.
This almost sounds like a true story. Is it?
Very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Both characters were very believable and the setting was realistic.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Thank you trumby, this is fiction set in a scene that takes place every year in Jersey. I'm pleased you enjoyed it. Your time is much appreciated... ~Mel~
