Sonnets
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Jus Primae Noctis"A collection of sonnets
32 total reviews
Comment from DonandVicki
Well Mike I surely will not tar and feather you, on the contrary someone who puts in this much effort and time should be applauded. And so I do applauded you.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2016
  |
Well Mike I surely will not tar and feather you, on the contrary someone who puts in this much effort and time should be applauded. And so I do applauded you.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2016
-
I'm so pleased you enjoyed. Thanks a million.
Hey, I don't know if you're aware of it, but we have a little group of us that gets together every Saturday for a poetry challenge. Every Saturday at 6 PM Eastern Standard time we get a topic and write a poem about it. Then we post it and everyone gives each other their opinion. The details are in the poetry forum or you can message me. We would LOVE to have you join us. It's a total blast and we guarantee that you'll love it. Hope to see you there with the other cool kids. mikey
Comment from l.raven
OMG Michael, I have trouble with one Sonnet...this crown sonnet is nothing...but amazing you....I read it twice....I think I will go sit by the shore and wait for a sailor to come by...sigh...and the last two lines Michael just set the stage...really Michael...all the challenges you all have been doing...have done nothing but excel...do you think ports in days of old wrote like this???amazing sweetie...I love it...and the picture ...perfect...a wonderful story told...Luff Linda xxoo love
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
|
OMG Michael, I have trouble with one Sonnet...this crown sonnet is nothing...but amazing you....I read it twice....I think I will go sit by the shore and wait for a sailor to come by...sigh...and the last two lines Michael just set the stage...really Michael...all the challenges you all have been doing...have done nothing but excel...do you think ports in days of old wrote like this???amazing sweetie...I love it...and the picture ...perfect...a wonderful story told...Luff Linda xxoo love
Comment Written 01-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
-
Wow, Linda. I'm so delighted you enjoyed this. Sometimes we surprise ourselves. I just sat down with this idea and it just kind of spilled out. I think our weekly challenges had a lot to do with it honestly. You should join us, it's the best fun and we all like each other and get along just like it's supposed to be here all the time. LOL
You're so sweet and encouraging. What a love! Hugs, mikey xxoo
-
I will join one of these days...so much going on now...it is wonderful when everyone gets alone..but you truly can write you...your a sweetie...later..now be good...and big hugs back to ya...love Linda xxoo
Comment from William Ross
I seriously wish I had a 6 for you on this, I think it wonderfully written and fits the prompt. has great rhyming and a wonderful read and story al the way through. I don't think I could suggest any changes on this great piece, Be proud my friend.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
|
I seriously wish I had a 6 for you on this, I think it wonderfully written and fits the prompt. has great rhyming and a wonderful read and story al the way through. I don't think I could suggest any changes on this great piece, Be proud my friend.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
-
Thanks for the very kind words. I'm somewhat surprised to be honest. Yes, I am proud of it. I'm delighted you enjoyed it. mikey
Comment from Eternal Muse
Michael,
This is a phenomenal work for your first Crown. You did a remarkable job, and I was following your hero's sea-faring adventure with baited breath. Your iambic meter is very good throughout, except for a few of spots I'll mention below. Your imagery is fantastic, and your presentation is up to your usual very high standard. Plus, I have a penchant for the nautical theme, so it appealed to me.
Here is my feedback (my hat is off to you for the effort and your marvelous rendition of the contest):
I.
I breathe each breath as though it is my last,
no quarter set aside for what might be.
What's done sleeps soundly anchored in my past.
Aboard this vessel I set out to sea,
all sails unfurled tight fastened to the mast.
Midst misty spray all ties that bind me flee;
though my heart aches--to love I still am cast.
I make this journey yearning to be free.
** "Midst misty spray" - "midst misty" don't flow too well, and iambic limps just a tiny bit
Otherwise, fabulous stanza
Her name remains within. I'll never speak
out loud the sweetest sound these ears have heard.
For if I hear it whispered--I'll grow weak;
this will that drives me forth will be demurred.
Due south, they say, are wonders grand to seek,
but treacherous the cost might be incurred.
Beware grey ghosts that prey upon the meek.
It's they who've set the traps, and you they've lured.
***[this will that drives me forth] sounds a little awkward. Consider alternative wording]
Still, I am not deterred a bit because,
I must forget the life that almost was.
Loved that couplet!
II
I must forget the life that almost was;
now, waves well up as if they hear my call.
Rogue demons laughing ... must be a mirage,
yet clearly my name rises on a squall,
they mock me as they cut me with their claws.
I'm clearly wounded, bleeding as I fall;
the deck is unforgiving, there's no pause,
as swift I crash and roll into a ball.
***[yet clearly my name rises on a squall. I think, the iambics would be stronger in:
yet my name clearly rises on a squall]
My Lord, it is the ghost of he I've killed--
that bastard with his title and his scroll.
He rode from castle high I helped to build
proclaiming that my bride would be his toll,
as written set to law in golden guild.
He smirked my way as though he thought it droll.
I swiftly slashed his throat, and he was killed.
Her honor saved, my fate for life now told.
***Fabulous!
How could I let him foul my precious love?
Yet, now, I'm left to curse the skies above.
"Love - above" is a little bit of a cliche, but it's hard to find a good rhyme for "love" (lol)
III
Yet, now I'm left to curse the skies above;
confronting disembodied drooling ghouls.
Was not the loss of all held dear enough;
must I be forced to suffer endless fools--
when it is I who've suffered torment's glove?
My tears make oceans small like looking pools.
When will my torment cease? Despair engulfs!
Though slain, it seems this cursed prince still rules.
***[My tears make oceans small like looking pools --
I would consider alternate wording - sounds a bit forced]
Still farther South, my angst propels my quest;
there must be destinations yet to find.
I harken, mercy, hear my sad behest,
for pardon from a world bent so unkind.
Now, beasts on wing confront me-a new test.
Has guilt now conjured these from my sick mind,
or does my Lord now toy with me in jest?
My prelude to the dues from hell that bind ...
But how could righteous vengeance not hold sway?
No doubt rests in my soul that I must pay.
[**Beautiful! One thing stood out to me though:
"Now, beasts on wing confront me-a new test".]
How 'bout: "Now, beasts on wing confront me with a test"?]
IV
No doubt rests in my soul that I must pay.
My heart forever cursed for anger flashed.
Yet, still, I'd draw my blade-- and gladly slay.
My bride, sweet innocence; he ... Satan's shaft,
sick-swine, awash with stink from foul decay.
Indeed, to snuff his life--a relished task
Forgive me, Lord, it was my wedding day.
But never could I see her in his grasp.
[***Wonderful! The swine deserves all the metaphors! (lol)]
Now, here I sail marooned upon this sea;
no shore to bid me welcome, come to dine.
They said my payment's death, and so I flee.
His fate was earned, yet I performed the crime.
And what of him who claims such pedigree,
that with a piece of paper deemed sublime,
the flower of the bride who's pledged to me;
a moment stolen--hated for all time?
Oh yes, I'd rather die than have it so;
to save her from that pig--I had to go.
***[Very good!]
V
To save her from that pig--I had to go.
To stay meant certain death ...I'd slain a prince.
The son and heir to sit upon a throne;
his aged father-king had been there since
his father once before him there had shone.
A vial of poison helped his sire convince
a hastened move to power it was known.
I should be praised for help in stemming sins.
***[We have a problem with this line - iambs off:
" his aged father-king had been there since"
Sugg: "his aging father-king had been there since"]
Well, that was then, and this is now, I cry
just for a moment more ... I see a light!
Horizons bright, and to it my ship flies.
Could answers new await me there tonight?
The bow is bouncing, spirit too, hope sighs.
I hear a voice as darkness falls--it's night;
but still it calls, I follow, is it wise?
I dream a foolish dream with all my might!
I know the voice I hear is me sweet dear,
though everyone says, "NO!" it draws me near.
VI
Though everyone says, "NO!" it draws me near.
Could sense have left my mind? Perhaps, it's so.
My heart now bids me dance, and stand and cheer.
My shipmates don a somber face of woe.
"The reef will splinter every plank we fear,
it's to the bottom all of us will go.
Turn back, we beg you, to our doom you steer.
This vision's false, believe us, you can't know;
***[it's to the bottom all of us will go] Perhaps it would be smoother if "and to the bottom all of us will go"].
it's grief and loss that calls you, yearnings grab--
and it will be your doom; you must turn back."
I stop to see their eyes that look so drab;
and hear their words and feel no truth they lack
I know, without a doubt, they mean no slap.
Perhaps, I must adopt a different tact.
"I'll go alone; I'll leave this ship, be glad!
I know my path, and I shall take my track."
I plunge into the sea, and seek my fate.
My love awaits me at horizon's gate.
***Love that couplet!!
VII
My love awaits me at horizon's gate.
My stroke is strong; I mustn't weaken now.
I feel her warmth; I do not dare be late.
I lean upon the love her faith endows,
and on my soul I shall not hesitate.
"Swim, my love," she calls, I crease my brow.
My thoughts begin to sing--I cannot wait!
An island looms I shall not disavow.
***[One line: "Swim, my love," she calls, I crease my brow"]
"Swim" is a stressed word and there are 9 syllables in that sentence. How about:
"Do swim, my love!" she calls, I crease my brow]
I've proved them wrong; I see the island clearly.
I push ahead with every ounce of fight,
for truth has won, and I so love her dearly.
It won't be long now till I hold her tight.
***[Nice use of feminine rhyme in "clearly"/"dearly"]
Surely those are candles on the shore,
and music fills the sky to charm romance.
Our dreams will be fulfilled for evermore;
I swim to you to live our second chance.
***[Another problem in this line:
"Surely those are candles on the shore"
and there are 9 syllables
["Surely" is a stressed word, iambs is off.
Sugg: "Those candles are for sure upon the shore"]
Your arms will cradle me--I'll find sleep fast;
and breathe each breath as though it is my last.
Excellent ending
I commend your effort - this is a very impressive composition, and I think it will do very well in the contest.
I gave you a conditional five, but consider the suggestions.
Fond wishes, Y.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
|
Michael,
This is a phenomenal work for your first Crown. You did a remarkable job, and I was following your hero's sea-faring adventure with baited breath. Your iambic meter is very good throughout, except for a few of spots I'll mention below. Your imagery is fantastic, and your presentation is up to your usual very high standard. Plus, I have a penchant for the nautical theme, so it appealed to me.
Here is my feedback (my hat is off to you for the effort and your marvelous rendition of the contest):
I.
I breathe each breath as though it is my last,
no quarter set aside for what might be.
What's done sleeps soundly anchored in my past.
Aboard this vessel I set out to sea,
all sails unfurled tight fastened to the mast.
Midst misty spray all ties that bind me flee;
though my heart aches--to love I still am cast.
I make this journey yearning to be free.
** "Midst misty spray" - "midst misty" don't flow too well, and iambic limps just a tiny bit
Otherwise, fabulous stanza
Her name remains within. I'll never speak
out loud the sweetest sound these ears have heard.
For if I hear it whispered--I'll grow weak;
this will that drives me forth will be demurred.
Due south, they say, are wonders grand to seek,
but treacherous the cost might be incurred.
Beware grey ghosts that prey upon the meek.
It's they who've set the traps, and you they've lured.
***[this will that drives me forth] sounds a little awkward. Consider alternative wording]
Still, I am not deterred a bit because,
I must forget the life that almost was.
Loved that couplet!
II
I must forget the life that almost was;
now, waves well up as if they hear my call.
Rogue demons laughing ... must be a mirage,
yet clearly my name rises on a squall,
they mock me as they cut me with their claws.
I'm clearly wounded, bleeding as I fall;
the deck is unforgiving, there's no pause,
as swift I crash and roll into a ball.
***[yet clearly my name rises on a squall. I think, the iambics would be stronger in:
yet my name clearly rises on a squall]
My Lord, it is the ghost of he I've killed--
that bastard with his title and his scroll.
He rode from castle high I helped to build
proclaiming that my bride would be his toll,
as written set to law in golden guild.
He smirked my way as though he thought it droll.
I swiftly slashed his throat, and he was killed.
Her honor saved, my fate for life now told.
***Fabulous!
How could I let him foul my precious love?
Yet, now, I'm left to curse the skies above.
"Love - above" is a little bit of a cliche, but it's hard to find a good rhyme for "love" (lol)
III
Yet, now I'm left to curse the skies above;
confronting disembodied drooling ghouls.
Was not the loss of all held dear enough;
must I be forced to suffer endless fools--
when it is I who've suffered torment's glove?
My tears make oceans small like looking pools.
When will my torment cease? Despair engulfs!
Though slain, it seems this cursed prince still rules.
***[My tears make oceans small like looking pools --
I would consider alternate wording - sounds a bit forced]
Still farther South, my angst propels my quest;
there must be destinations yet to find.
I harken, mercy, hear my sad behest,
for pardon from a world bent so unkind.
Now, beasts on wing confront me-a new test.
Has guilt now conjured these from my sick mind,
or does my Lord now toy with me in jest?
My prelude to the dues from hell that bind ...
But how could righteous vengeance not hold sway?
No doubt rests in my soul that I must pay.
[**Beautiful! One thing stood out to me though:
"Now, beasts on wing confront me-a new test".]
How 'bout: "Now, beasts on wing confront me with a test"?]
IV
No doubt rests in my soul that I must pay.
My heart forever cursed for anger flashed.
Yet, still, I'd draw my blade-- and gladly slay.
My bride, sweet innocence; he ... Satan's shaft,
sick-swine, awash with stink from foul decay.
Indeed, to snuff his life--a relished task
Forgive me, Lord, it was my wedding day.
But never could I see her in his grasp.
[***Wonderful! The swine deserves all the metaphors! (lol)]
Now, here I sail marooned upon this sea;
no shore to bid me welcome, come to dine.
They said my payment's death, and so I flee.
His fate was earned, yet I performed the crime.
And what of him who claims such pedigree,
that with a piece of paper deemed sublime,
the flower of the bride who's pledged to me;
a moment stolen--hated for all time?
Oh yes, I'd rather die than have it so;
to save her from that pig--I had to go.
***[Very good!]
V
To save her from that pig--I had to go.
To stay meant certain death ...I'd slain a prince.
The son and heir to sit upon a throne;
his aged father-king had been there since
his father once before him there had shone.
A vial of poison helped his sire convince
a hastened move to power it was known.
I should be praised for help in stemming sins.
***[We have a problem with this line - iambs off:
" his aged father-king had been there since"
Sugg: "his aging father-king had been there since"]
Well, that was then, and this is now, I cry
just for a moment more ... I see a light!
Horizons bright, and to it my ship flies.
Could answers new await me there tonight?
The bow is bouncing, spirit too, hope sighs.
I hear a voice as darkness falls--it's night;
but still it calls, I follow, is it wise?
I dream a foolish dream with all my might!
I know the voice I hear is me sweet dear,
though everyone says, "NO!" it draws me near.
VI
Though everyone says, "NO!" it draws me near.
Could sense have left my mind? Perhaps, it's so.
My heart now bids me dance, and stand and cheer.
My shipmates don a somber face of woe.
"The reef will splinter every plank we fear,
it's to the bottom all of us will go.
Turn back, we beg you, to our doom you steer.
This vision's false, believe us, you can't know;
***[it's to the bottom all of us will go] Perhaps it would be smoother if "and to the bottom all of us will go"].
it's grief and loss that calls you, yearnings grab--
and it will be your doom; you must turn back."
I stop to see their eyes that look so drab;
and hear their words and feel no truth they lack
I know, without a doubt, they mean no slap.
Perhaps, I must adopt a different tact.
"I'll go alone; I'll leave this ship, be glad!
I know my path, and I shall take my track."
I plunge into the sea, and seek my fate.
My love awaits me at horizon's gate.
***Love that couplet!!
VII
My love awaits me at horizon's gate.
My stroke is strong; I mustn't weaken now.
I feel her warmth; I do not dare be late.
I lean upon the love her faith endows,
and on my soul I shall not hesitate.
"Swim, my love," she calls, I crease my brow.
My thoughts begin to sing--I cannot wait!
An island looms I shall not disavow.
***[One line: "Swim, my love," she calls, I crease my brow"]
"Swim" is a stressed word and there are 9 syllables in that sentence. How about:
"Do swim, my love!" she calls, I crease my brow]
I've proved them wrong; I see the island clearly.
I push ahead with every ounce of fight,
for truth has won, and I so love her dearly.
It won't be long now till I hold her tight.
***[Nice use of feminine rhyme in "clearly"/"dearly"]
Surely those are candles on the shore,
and music fills the sky to charm romance.
Our dreams will be fulfilled for evermore;
I swim to you to live our second chance.
***[Another problem in this line:
"Surely those are candles on the shore"
and there are 9 syllables
["Surely" is a stressed word, iambs is off.
Sugg: "Those candles are for sure upon the shore"]
Your arms will cradle me--I'll find sleep fast;
and breathe each breath as though it is my last.
Excellent ending
I commend your effort - this is a very impressive composition, and I think it will do very well in the contest.
I gave you a conditional five, but consider the suggestions.
Fond wishes, Y.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
-
Aww. Thanks a million for your kind words. I'm using aged as two syllables a-ged. I'll look at your suggestions and think about them. I do respect your expertise quite a bit as you know.
I like the headless iamb in the line that starts with "Surely".
The "swim my love" line I may change. :)) Your version DOES sound pretty smooth I must admit.
Since the CEC gives us a warning letter I'll see if they accept the little variations before I change them. They are sooooo much better like they are. I can easily change them if they force me to. I hope not. :))
Thanks so very much for this encouraging and helpful review. It means the world coming from you.
I hope to see you tomorrow for the Potlatch challenge. You did so beautifully last week. I know the challenges have helped me a ton. I wrote this crown in less than four hours. :)) mikey
-
You wrote THIS in less than four hours? You have a whale of a talent, Mike. I am impressed. This shall do very well in the contest.
-
There was another line that made me laugh:
Sonnet II, second octave:
I swiftly slashed his throat, and he was killed"
I would be surprised if he wasn't killed after his throat was slit (lol)
-
Mikey, you did a good job in 4 hours, it's quite a record, but if you worked on it for a month, it would really SHINE. You didn't confuse this contest with Potlatch for speed, didn't you? (lol). I give you another 55 days to work on a Polish if you"d like.
-
I'll keep looking at it. I think the potlatch IS an influence. It did come quick as can be and everything always has. But, I have learned to edit here which is a big plus to me. Always room for improvement. :))
I'm hoping for some more people pretty soon. I'm sure it will start to fill up when they see that big prize, yes?
-
We had top entries over the years. Alvin, Joice (jshep) and another guy have passed since then. Alvin was one of the winners. Joyce tied with Ray for the win about two years ago. I usually host this contest every year. Not sure if I will have strength or energy next year, so this may be the last.
Comment from Liberty Justice
WOW! Five 5 STARS. I gave you thumbs up putting you in a first place tie with 4 votes. You were in 2nd place with only 3 votes. Hope you win! Mike you are a MASTER POET. Lovely incantations of sailors woes as he rides ocean in ships perhaps searching for lover he's lost. Seems he's considering ending it all can't take pressure of his lost love. Musical metaphors bouncy alliterations abound. Check mine out also. Been while since you visited. Good luck to us in contests today. liberty justice
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
|
WOW! Five 5 STARS. I gave you thumbs up putting you in a first place tie with 4 votes. You were in 2nd place with only 3 votes. Hope you win! Mike you are a MASTER POET. Lovely incantations of sailors woes as he rides ocean in ships perhaps searching for lover he's lost. Seems he's considering ending it all can't take pressure of his lost love. Musical metaphors bouncy alliterations abound. Check mine out also. Been while since you visited. Good luck to us in contests today. liberty justice
Comment Written 01-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
-
Awww. How very sweet of you to say so. Thanks so very much.
We have a little challenge that we do weekly. Tomorrow is the fifth one. Check out the poetry forum for Poetry Potlatch. This week is free verse, right up your alley. We'd love to have you join us. It's the best fun and we're all sworn to niceness. The challenge starts at 6 PM New York time and the details are in the poetry forum. Message me if you need any help. Big smiles, mikey
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Mike,
Wow! You told a whole story in a poem, heroic sonnet nonetheless! I have great respect for any poet that can write a sonnet well. I tried a couple and failed miserably. I don't have a clue on how to critic something like this but I can tell you that I love the meter and rhythm of your sonnet. A very romantic language of a time long gone.
Do you know that writers were paid based on the number of words they wrote? Yep. Thus the huge gigantic novels.
Good job my friend.
*gypsy hugs*
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
|
Hello, Mike,
Wow! You told a whole story in a poem, heroic sonnet nonetheless! I have great respect for any poet that can write a sonnet well. I tried a couple and failed miserably. I don't have a clue on how to critic something like this but I can tell you that I love the meter and rhythm of your sonnet. A very romantic language of a time long gone.
Do you know that writers were paid based on the number of words they wrote? Yep. Thus the huge gigantic novels.
Good job my friend.
*gypsy hugs*
Comment Written 01-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
-
The number of words? That would be good for me, I haven't stopped talking since birth. I'll probably be talking in my grave.
You've written a couple good sonnets. You have to keep writing them. I wrote dozens of terrible ones before they started getting good. Thanks so much. I'm so happy you liked it. I wrote it in record time I think because of the potlatch challenges. See ya there. Tomorrow! Be there or be square. No excuses. Gypsy Queen Of Answering Challenges With a Smile and a Gypsy Hug. Irish Iambic Hugs, mikey
-
Irish Iambic hugs? LMAO how do you come up with this stuff?
Be there or be square? I may have to come then. I have an art show at 5pm so it is going to cut it short. But I will try, just for you and Gloria.
Take care my iambic Irish man of the witty charm and gift of laughter the man that has all the women in fanstory falling at his feet because he is so handsome. How is that for a title? Not too bad for a Gypsy Queen, hah? LOL, I'll never be as good as you with this stuff, you are a natural.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Wow Michael! You did yourself proud with this crown of sonnets. It's wonderful. I have a suggestion which you can forget about if you don't like it. In the last sonnet,
"I've proved them wrong; I see the island now
I push ahead with every ounce of fight,
for truth has won, and and I shall keep my vow.
It won't be long now till I hold her tight."
This is wonderful. Nancy
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
 |
Wow Michael! You did yourself proud with this crown of sonnets. It's wonderful. I have a suggestion which you can forget about if you don't like it. In the last sonnet,
"I've proved them wrong; I see the island now
I push ahead with every ounce of fight,
for truth has won, and and I shall keep my vow.
It won't be long now till I hold her tight."
This is wonderful. Nancy
Comment Written 01-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
-
I'm smiling ear to ear. Thanks so much, Nancy. I've read your work over and over a thousand to get this in my brain, but I finally have it!! I'll sit down later tonight with your suggestion and think about it. It sure does read smoothly. (no surprise!) Thank you so much. I feel like a graduate student now. :)) mike
P.S. We have our fun Potlatch Challenge tomorrow. We'd love to have you. Check the poetry forum for details. It's free verse this week. I KNOW you can write excellent free verse, I've read it. We're all sworn to niceness and I promise it is the best fun!! :))
-
I don't do free verse. Thanks . Nancy
Comment from tfawcus
I've the utmost admiration for anyone who attempts one of these Crowns. I've tried it myself ...once! Yours flows superbly as a connected story. I have in the back of my mind Mel Gibson in Braveheart - which was where I first heard the term Jus Primae Noctis. You have taken it on a stage further with echoes of The Odyssey towards the end. What can I say but congratulations - a tour de force.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
|
I've the utmost admiration for anyone who attempts one of these Crowns. I've tried it myself ...once! Yours flows superbly as a connected story. I have in the back of my mind Mel Gibson in Braveheart - which was where I first heard the term Jus Primae Noctis. You have taken it on a stage further with echoes of The Odyssey towards the end. What can I say but congratulations - a tour de force.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
-
I clearly recall your crown, Tony. A crown about the other crowns, yes? Great fun and perfectly penned too. So pleased you enjoyed. I'm a little shocked at how fast I wrote it and I credit out potlatch challenges for that. Hope to see you there tomorrow. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from Pantygynt
Personally I have no quarrel with change of "I" to "and". It does improve the flow of the last line. The regulations stipulate a "usual" rhyme scheme and say nothing about changing horses mid stream as you have. I really hope this isn't disqualified on such a technicality, as it is an excellent example of the breed with a medieval law at its back. Let us hope it is not one of those old laws, "more honoured in the breach than the observance", that is nevertheless still on the statute book, like the one requiring London taxi drivers to carry a bale of hay fro the horse on the mudguard of their cabs.
The story told here is worthy of an operatic performance. I knew of the existence of this ancient right but could not recall any tales surrounding it. So I can only assume that this superb tale superbly told has sprung from your own mind. Congratulations.
To end up assessing a work of this magnitude, never mind its quality, as having the same numerical score as a haiku or even an individual sonnet sees to me to be totally inadequate. Each Canto is worth a six star grading. That would make the whole thing worth 42 stars. Even to attempt such a grade however would be likely to be terminal for a site that seemed only yesterday to be suffering from multiple seizures.#
Five stars? Nonsense, a virtual 42.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
|
Personally I have no quarrel with change of "I" to "and". It does improve the flow of the last line. The regulations stipulate a "usual" rhyme scheme and say nothing about changing horses mid stream as you have. I really hope this isn't disqualified on such a technicality, as it is an excellent example of the breed with a medieval law at its back. Let us hope it is not one of those old laws, "more honoured in the breach than the observance", that is nevertheless still on the statute book, like the one requiring London taxi drivers to carry a bale of hay fro the horse on the mudguard of their cabs.
The story told here is worthy of an operatic performance. I knew of the existence of this ancient right but could not recall any tales surrounding it. So I can only assume that this superb tale superbly told has sprung from your own mind. Congratulations.
To end up assessing a work of this magnitude, never mind its quality, as having the same numerical score as a haiku or even an individual sonnet sees to me to be totally inadequate. Each Canto is worth a six star grading. That would make the whole thing worth 42 stars. Even to attempt such a grade however would be likely to be terminal for a site that seemed only yesterday to be suffering from multiple seizures.#
Five stars? Nonsense, a virtual 42.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
-
Wow. I'm truly humbled. I don't recall a piece ever coming so easily to me as this one. I had the same feel for it as I do at the Potlatch challenges. I wrote it kind of the same rapid fire way really. Of course I spent some time editing though. I'm honored you are pleased with this. You have few peers here when it comes to rhyme and meter if any. I know the CEC offers a warning if there's a problem, so I'll have a chance to fix if there is. Thanks so much, mikey
Oh yeah. See ya at the "games" tomorrow!
-
You'll be in your element again this evening.
Comment from ciliverde
This is truly an amazing piece of work, Mikey - I am deeply impressed with what you've done here, telling a moving story and maintaining rhyme and meter throughout. There are minor stumbles, but they are a small matter in the light of what you've accomplished overall.
First of all, I ADORE the theme you've chosen - the title grabbed me immediately - a Latin quote? I'm with you!
I have a few suggestions, which of course you can ignore at will. Just a few things to consider.
part II - He rode from that damn castle I helped build - what about "he rode from cursed castle I helped build" - with cursed drawn out into two syllables? But wait - you use cursed later.
"He rode from castle high I helped to build"(?)
Part III
"when it is I who've suffered pain's coarse glove?" - this reads a little bit awkwardly to me - although I feel bad nitpicking. "torment's glove"?
Part V
A vial of poison helped his dad convince - I think I'd use "sire" instead of "dad".
"though everyone says, "NO!" it draws me near." - "though everyone demurs..."? Not sure - you might prefer the stronger denial of NO!
Honestly, I found this entire poem to be an intensely moving, beautiful experience. I love it as-is, and I have to say, this is my very favorite type of poetry. Very archaic in sentiment and sound, intensely dramatic, lots of feeling. It makes me so happy to read poetry like this - well done!!! (Six worthy, obviously, I have none, but I so wish I did)
hugs,
Carol
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
|
This is truly an amazing piece of work, Mikey - I am deeply impressed with what you've done here, telling a moving story and maintaining rhyme and meter throughout. There are minor stumbles, but they are a small matter in the light of what you've accomplished overall.
First of all, I ADORE the theme you've chosen - the title grabbed me immediately - a Latin quote? I'm with you!
I have a few suggestions, which of course you can ignore at will. Just a few things to consider.
part II - He rode from that damn castle I helped build - what about "he rode from cursed castle I helped build" - with cursed drawn out into two syllables? But wait - you use cursed later.
"He rode from castle high I helped to build"(?)
Part III
"when it is I who've suffered pain's coarse glove?" - this reads a little bit awkwardly to me - although I feel bad nitpicking. "torment's glove"?
Part V
A vial of poison helped his dad convince - I think I'd use "sire" instead of "dad".
"though everyone says, "NO!" it draws me near." - "though everyone demurs..."? Not sure - you might prefer the stronger denial of NO!
Honestly, I found this entire poem to be an intensely moving, beautiful experience. I love it as-is, and I have to say, this is my very favorite type of poetry. Very archaic in sentiment and sound, intensely dramatic, lots of feeling. It makes me so happy to read poetry like this - well done!!! (Six worthy, obviously, I have none, but I so wish I did)
hugs,
Carol
Comment Written 01-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
-
I'll trade sixes any day for wonderful reviews especially when they come with great tips that HELP big time. YES! Used your great ideas right away. Perfect. Just what I was hoping for. I did stick with "NO!" though. LOL. I kinda like that. :))
"Sire", is exactly the word my brain wouldn't find for me!
I can't stop smiling. I hope to see you at the Potlatch challenge tomorrow, 6PM New York! I swear the challenges helped me with this immenseley. I can't believe how fast this came to me. Thanks so much, mikey
-
I thought you might prefer the "NO!" It does fit the situation, I must say. Glad you found the suggestions helpful - sire I thought was the best one of them. What a fun read that was, I truly enjoyed it - and I feel inspired to write a heroic sonnet myself (in all my spare time - lol).
I'll be at work but I might try to sneak in a poetry break!
hugs,
Carol
