Shifting Shadows. Poems of Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "The Jade, Colossus"A collection of dark poetry
92 total reviews
Comment from Janet Foor
Excellent aabb rhyme in this chilling story of the green eyed monster. Rife with fear and jealous emotion. You always keep us in suspense with your haunting tales. Well done.
Blessings
Janet
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
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Excellent aabb rhyme in this chilling story of the green eyed monster. Rife with fear and jealous emotion. You always keep us in suspense with your haunting tales. Well done.
Blessings
Janet
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
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Thanks for reading and commenting on my poem, Janet. Your reviews are always so encouraging, and this review is certainly no exception.
I'm also very grateful for the exceptional six star rating. I never take those lightly, and they are deeply appreciated.
Many blessings to you & yours as well.
With gratitude,
~Me...;}
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Well, this one had it all. I enjoyed all of the techniques I read that made the poem a standout winner. I like the rhyme--internal and end. You made good use of much alliteration which adds to the great flow of lines. The color scheme is perfect along with that 'adorable' picture [?] No, the picture is perfect.
The first line reminded me of "Paul Revere's Ride"--"Listen my children and you shall here of the midnight ride of Paul Revere on the eighteenth of April in seventy-five hardly a man is alive . . ." That one is a story poem as is yours. Your subject is a great one to expand on. I enjoyed reading it [and actually read it 2 times]. As I stated, the lines flow smoothly. Without that, I believe you would lose readers after very few lines. I was engaged from start to end. I see nothing to even suggest the tiniest of changes or spag.
Best wishes in the contest.
Excellent!
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Well, this one had it all. I enjoyed all of the techniques I read that made the poem a standout winner. I like the rhyme--internal and end. You made good use of much alliteration which adds to the great flow of lines. The color scheme is perfect along with that 'adorable' picture [?] No, the picture is perfect.
The first line reminded me of "Paul Revere's Ride"--"Listen my children and you shall here of the midnight ride of Paul Revere on the eighteenth of April in seventy-five hardly a man is alive . . ." That one is a story poem as is yours. Your subject is a great one to expand on. I enjoyed reading it [and actually read it 2 times]. As I stated, the lines flow smoothly. Without that, I believe you would lose readers after very few lines. I was engaged from start to end. I see nothing to even suggest the tiniest of changes or spag.
Best wishes in the contest.
Excellent!
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Thanks for the in depth review and kind comments, Jan. They couldn't have come at a better time, and I am very grateful to you for your time spent reading and commenting. I'm also sincerely grateful you felt it was six star worthy. I never take that lightly, especially when coming from a writer of your caliber.
Thanks so much again, Jan...for everything. :}
Comment from Gloria ....
Jealous Jade is a perfect name for personification of an emotion, author.
Your iambic octameter works well in delivering the venom and lust for power and greed that can consume one in a pique of jealousy.
Best wishes to you in the contest. This is a good one.
Gloria
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Jealous Jade is a perfect name for personification of an emotion, author.
Your iambic octameter works well in delivering the venom and lust for power and greed that can consume one in a pique of jealousy.
Best wishes to you in the contest. This is a good one.
Gloria
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Thank you very much for reading and commenting on the poem, Gloria. I deeply appreciate it. :)
Comment from Authorsue
Nice poem. A little unsettling.
Great descriptions and rhymes. Personally, the last stanza wasn't quite up to par with the others. I wasn't totally sure what you meant. But it sounded good.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Authorsue
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Nice poem. A little unsettling.
Great descriptions and rhymes. Personally, the last stanza wasn't quite up to par with the others. I wasn't totally sure what you meant. But it sounded good.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Authorsue
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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The narrator, or the one telling the story, is jealousy personified, Authorsue.
Pretty simple, really.
Thanks for your review.
Comment from CD Richards
Well why wouldn't the green eyed monster be let loose? There is a lot to be jealous of ;-)
This prompt seems to be an excellent vehicle for saying what you wanted to say, "mystery writer", and you have said it with wonderful cleverness.
One tiny correction, I think - for consistent punctuation, it seems to me there should be a period at the end of line one, second stanza.
The line after that is a great use of enjambment.
It's a whole lot of little touches that make this really good - like "then flung he wide the gate", rather than how we would most likely say it today - "the he flung wide the gate", all adding to the atmosphere.
Excellent and craftsman like work. Well done, and best of luck in the contest.
Craig
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Well why wouldn't the green eyed monster be let loose? There is a lot to be jealous of ;-)
This prompt seems to be an excellent vehicle for saying what you wanted to say, "mystery writer", and you have said it with wonderful cleverness.
One tiny correction, I think - for consistent punctuation, it seems to me there should be a period at the end of line one, second stanza.
The line after that is a great use of enjambment.
It's a whole lot of little touches that make this really good - like "then flung he wide the gate", rather than how we would most likely say it today - "the he flung wide the gate", all adding to the atmosphere.
Excellent and craftsman like work. Well done, and best of luck in the contest.
Craig
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Craig.
Comment from Slythytove2
At the risk of seeming unappreciative I'd ask you if you were familiar with coloratura.
It's the screachy high pitched singing of the fat lady in opera. And where as you are appreciative of the skill involved- enough of it is definitely enough. I usually like word plays and puns(forgive me) even made up words and like very much rhymes if they come naturally and aren't reached too far for, and I'm particularly enamored of Japanese Haiku- those short little hard to understand poems. With your offering here I only wish you could have kept it to a good deal less. I like what you did. I even like how you did it. But like coloratura enough of it is enough.
You loose no stars from me.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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At the risk of seeming unappreciative I'd ask you if you were familiar with coloratura.
It's the screachy high pitched singing of the fat lady in opera. And where as you are appreciative of the skill involved- enough of it is definitely enough. I usually like word plays and puns(forgive me) even made up words and like very much rhymes if they come naturally and aren't reached too far for, and I'm particularly enamored of Japanese Haiku- those short little hard to understand poems. With your offering here I only wish you could have kept it to a good deal less. I like what you did. I even like how you did it. But like coloratura enough of it is enough.
You loose no stars from me.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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I don't often write this way, Sly, but I chose to go for that Poesque-feel type deal with this, right or wrong.
I understand what you're saying. It's the sort of thing where you love it, or you absolutely hate it.
Thanks for the review.
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Glad you didn't take it to heart.
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Thick skin, lol.
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Thick skin, lol.
Comment from Mastery
Wow! You nailed this one, author! Jealousy will kill ya. This is so imaginative. Job well done. I liked this stanza in particular:
"The good ship soon would run aground, yet not before Hell's gate was found,
seagulls screeched, the surf did pound, yet all but he were cruelly drowned.
He knew, he knew... just from the sound--he was so close, soon he'd be crowned.
Mankind would nevermore be bound, as Heaven's slaves, nor Hell's whore hound."
Bravo! Good luck in the contest! Bob
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Wow! You nailed this one, author! Jealousy will kill ya. This is so imaginative. Job well done. I liked this stanza in particular:
"The good ship soon would run aground, yet not before Hell's gate was found,
seagulls screeched, the surf did pound, yet all but he were cruelly drowned.
He knew, he knew... just from the sound--he was so close, soon he'd be crowned.
Mankind would nevermore be bound, as Heaven's slaves, nor Hell's whore hound."
Bravo! Good luck in the contest! Bob
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Thanks very much for your encouraging feed back, Bob. I appreciate you taking a look.
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It really should win..it is that good. I see a tie right now though. Yikes! Bob
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I will take a look at your listing on Amazon when I have time. Promise. Bob
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No worries.
A tie, huh?
It figures, lol...
~Dean
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You'll win though I feel it. :) Bob
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I'm glad you think so.
I'm starting to wonder...
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I don't qualify for rankings or BOM ofr anything....and you know what....I don't care. LOL...Bob
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Nor should you. You're a published author, twice over (or perhaps even more). That pretty much says it all.
~Dean ;)
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It's not that I am that good...it's just that after 12years around this place I have learned a lot about work and rewards. Btw. I didn't know until todaythat you got Writer of The Year last year. I didn't even know there was an award like that. LOL...Bob
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I didn't know it existed before then either, Bob, not until I was notified. I was nearly floored when I saw the notification. But, I'm looking at my trophy now as we speak (little gold lady holding a star), so I didn't dream it at least, heh-heh...
~Deano ;)
Comment from kathleenspalding
Excellent poem was a tiny bit hard to follow, but well worth the second read! Paints a strong verbal picture. Very good and creepy/scary personification. Great choice of artwork.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Excellent poem was a tiny bit hard to follow, but well worth the second read! Paints a strong verbal picture. Very good and creepy/scary personification. Great choice of artwork.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Kathleen.
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You're welcome
Comment from higgybop
Greed and the devil or greed is A devil. Either way, the personification of greed would be this way. It was a surprise to read the line that says, "I am that ghastly..." Please keep writing and sharing
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Greed and the devil or greed is A devil. Either way, the personification of greed would be this way. It was a surprise to read the line that says, "I am that ghastly..." Please keep writing and sharing
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Well, while I appreciate the review, higgybop, it really would be helpful to know why you gave me just four stars. You see, four stars means adjustments are needed, (see the Q&A section on how to review properly) and if you don't tell me what you feel is wrong, it's kinda hard to fix it.
Comment from AnnaLinda
Poet,
This is an impressive entry for the writing prompt and a very creative
approach as well. It seems you are a master of meter, flow, alliteration,
internal and end rhyme combinations and horror...
Sounds like a poet I know:)
"He prayed, he cried, tried to negate the tepid tide, torrential hate,
let loose on Earth, it would not wait, to feed on souls - to castigate"
Wow! Superior work here,
Linda
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Poet,
This is an impressive entry for the writing prompt and a very creative
approach as well. It seems you are a master of meter, flow, alliteration,
internal and end rhyme combinations and horror...
Sounds like a poet I know:)
"He prayed, he cried, tried to negate the tepid tide, torrential hate,
let loose on Earth, it would not wait, to feed on souls - to castigate"
Wow! Superior work here,
Linda
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Thanks so much for reading, Linda. I very much appreciate your complimentary review.
Take care... ;}
