Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Trust and Understanding"From one life to another
8 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
The sense of panic and confusion are good. The action is too, but they need to separated, as does the speakers. Some more editing is required.
notes:
stops, kicking it under my desk.
[Ã? ]
Through her mane, one brow rises.
-delete these that are scattered throughout.
Through her mane, one brow rises. Like a puppy, she tilts her head. "I don't want to hurt you, do you understand?" Even gagged, I'd hope
The action is the female's, but the words are narrator.
They should not be in the same paragraph. It confuses
Before I could read the name, [she kicked] at me. I manage to avoid it
- you mix present and past tense
"You killed her, didn't you?" she words hot coals.
- rewrite
"Well, I won't be your pet!" she sticks out her tongue
- capitalize action tags
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2021
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The sense of panic and confusion are good. The action is too, but they need to separated, as does the speakers. Some more editing is required.
notes:
stops, kicking it under my desk.
[Ã? ]
Through her mane, one brow rises.
-delete these that are scattered throughout.
Through her mane, one brow rises. Like a puppy, she tilts her head. "I don't want to hurt you, do you understand?" Even gagged, I'd hope
The action is the female's, but the words are narrator.
They should not be in the same paragraph. It confuses
Before I could read the name, [she kicked] at me. I manage to avoid it
- you mix present and past tense
"You killed her, didn't you?" she words hot coals.
- rewrite
"Well, I won't be your pet!" she sticks out her tongue
- capitalize action tags
Comment Written 24-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2021
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Thank you for taking the time to read through my work Lancellot. I'll go through this chapter and fix what I can, using your feedback. I don't know how those A's got there but I believe I deleted them all.
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The objective correlative of the story reminisces an uprising in a kingdom, where Colton, a young auxiliary soldier is trying his best to stabilize an emotionally traumatised maiden called Becka, who was seemingly separated from her mother.
The work highlights Colton's bid to assuage Becka's woes and how the latter resists his efforts, much to the detriment of of getting his fingers bitten by Becka. Serivious sees Colton bleeding; calls the attention of his aunt Luna, who helps in stopping the bleeding as well as initiating a parley between him and Becka. Becka calms down rest assured that her mother, the priestess is in safe hands.
Albeit, I was a bit irritated by the preponderance of the letter "A" traversing the beginning of all your paragraphs with the exception of the first paragraph, I harbour no hesitation whatsoever in admiring your pen- portrait representation of the plot appropriate anecdotes.
Excellent work. Keep the flag flying.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2021
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The objective correlative of the story reminisces an uprising in a kingdom, where Colton, a young auxiliary soldier is trying his best to stabilize an emotionally traumatised maiden called Becka, who was seemingly separated from her mother.
The work highlights Colton's bid to assuage Becka's woes and how the latter resists his efforts, much to the detriment of of getting his fingers bitten by Becka. Serivious sees Colton bleeding; calls the attention of his aunt Luna, who helps in stopping the bleeding as well as initiating a parley between him and Becka. Becka calms down rest assured that her mother, the priestess is in safe hands.
Albeit, I was a bit irritated by the preponderance of the letter "A" traversing the beginning of all your paragraphs with the exception of the first paragraph, I harbour no hesitation whatsoever in admiring your pen- portrait representation of the plot appropriate anecdotes.
Excellent work. Keep the flag flying.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2021
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Thank you.
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Remain Blessed.
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello and a happy Monday to you Rinshikai. I enjoyed your story, it was engaging and well written. My only regret is that I didn't start reading from the beginning. When I have the time I will definitely have to go back and do that. Thanks for sharing. Good job, keep writing.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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Hello and a happy Monday to you Rinshikai. I enjoyed your story, it was engaging and well written. My only regret is that I didn't start reading from the beginning. When I have the time I will definitely have to go back and do that. Thanks for sharing. Good job, keep writing.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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Thank you the13thpoet, I'm glad you enjoyed my work.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Rinshikai
The theme and subject of this story is good ... If I had to offer anything it would be to re-read your work and make it less wooden. I mean parts of it sound like this ...
I walked into the room. I was told to cry. My bed was not made. I went to my closet ...
Now these of course are my words not yours, but there are places in yours that have this kind of sound to me. I would love to see more descriptive adjectives that give a mood for the piece.
Otherwise, good job! Good luck
xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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Hi Rinshikai
The theme and subject of this story is good ... If I had to offer anything it would be to re-read your work and make it less wooden. I mean parts of it sound like this ...
I walked into the room. I was told to cry. My bed was not made. I went to my closet ...
Now these of course are my words not yours, but there are places in yours that have this kind of sound to me. I would love to see more descriptive adjectives that give a mood for the piece.
Otherwise, good job! Good luck
xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 12-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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Thank you for the feedback kiwigirl2821. I'll go back over my work to see where I add more descriptive adjectives.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Indeed, I enjoyed the art and style of expression, visual imagery, simple taletelling, brief and realistic dialogues, good beginning and emotional ending; well said, well done. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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Indeed, I enjoyed the art and style of expression, visual imagery, simple taletelling, brief and realistic dialogues, good beginning and emotional ending; well said, well done. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
Comment Written 12-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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Thank you.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
An interesting chapter early on in this story. you should think about including some more detailed backstory in the back ground section to aid readers who may be new or need a refresher. Always a good idea.:)
Yet here I am, with a beautiful northern woman strung up like an animal. That's ready to kill me if I try to help her. The second sentence here doesn't really go anywhere. It would be better incorporated into the first. Something like - ' Yet here I am with a beautiful northern woman strung up like an animal, ready to kill me.'
Insuring that I use enough - possibly ensuring here.
Wherever possible try to rearrange sentences to avoid 'I', it is very difficult to achieve in first person narrative but in this instance, for example, you could change 'She looks surprised and confused at what I had just done' to 'She looked surprised and confused at / by my actions.'
I ask waiting for her to react. - here you could try waiting for a response. Again to limit repetition of react and use of 'her'.
When she nods her head - could delete her head as nodding suggests this.
She breaths heavily - breathes.
"What happened," is all he says - need a question mark in there.
"A northern woman tried to bite your thumb off? What did you do? - need closing speech marks here.
"Can you move you're your thumb?" - delete you're.
Which she immediately grabs - delete 'which'.
turning the girls head - girl's.
Worrying that she me try to bite her tongue off again a place the gag - she may try / I place.
a salve on the girls head, - girl's.
Could that have been her mother?
- need closing speech marks here.
"Colton can you grab that green garb from the pile." - needs a question mark.
Say asks as she removes - she asks?
garb over the girls head - girl's.
"There, can you pass me those bindings and those two purse bags." - question mark.
She eyes begin to flutter open - Her eyes.
but quickly cringe shut - very awkward description, scrunch would be netter.
who response by nodding - responds.
She to, is fighting - too.
Though the restrains - restraints.
For the last time tonight I close my eye - eyes.
warmth of the suns light - sun's.
Openings my eyes I see that the sun has risen - opening, although the sentence is redundant as he's already been touched by the sun's light in the previous sentence.
I think you need another run through this for correct tenses of words, and cleaning up some issues with she / her and plural / singular issues.
Other than this a pretty good write, engaging read and good story.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
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Hi there,
An interesting chapter early on in this story. you should think about including some more detailed backstory in the back ground section to aid readers who may be new or need a refresher. Always a good idea.:)
Yet here I am, with a beautiful northern woman strung up like an animal. That's ready to kill me if I try to help her. The second sentence here doesn't really go anywhere. It would be better incorporated into the first. Something like - ' Yet here I am with a beautiful northern woman strung up like an animal, ready to kill me.'
Insuring that I use enough - possibly ensuring here.
Wherever possible try to rearrange sentences to avoid 'I', it is very difficult to achieve in first person narrative but in this instance, for example, you could change 'She looks surprised and confused at what I had just done' to 'She looked surprised and confused at / by my actions.'
I ask waiting for her to react. - here you could try waiting for a response. Again to limit repetition of react and use of 'her'.
When she nods her head - could delete her head as nodding suggests this.
She breaths heavily - breathes.
"What happened," is all he says - need a question mark in there.
"A northern woman tried to bite your thumb off? What did you do? - need closing speech marks here.
"Can you move you're your thumb?" - delete you're.
Which she immediately grabs - delete 'which'.
turning the girls head - girl's.
Worrying that she me try to bite her tongue off again a place the gag - she may try / I place.
a salve on the girls head, - girl's.
Could that have been her mother?
- need closing speech marks here.
"Colton can you grab that green garb from the pile." - needs a question mark.
Say asks as she removes - she asks?
garb over the girls head - girl's.
"There, can you pass me those bindings and those two purse bags." - question mark.
She eyes begin to flutter open - Her eyes.
but quickly cringe shut - very awkward description, scrunch would be netter.
who response by nodding - responds.
She to, is fighting - too.
Though the restrains - restraints.
For the last time tonight I close my eye - eyes.
warmth of the suns light - sun's.
Openings my eyes I see that the sun has risen - opening, although the sentence is redundant as he's already been touched by the sun's light in the previous sentence.
I think you need another run through this for correct tenses of words, and cleaning up some issues with she / her and plural / singular issues.
Other than this a pretty good write, engaging read and good story.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
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Thank you for taking the time to review my work giraffmang. I'm grateful for the feedback its always helpful.
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Thank you for taking the time to review my work giraffmang. I'm grateful for the feedback its always helpful.
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Thank you for taking the time to review my work giraffmang. I'm grateful for the feedback its always helpful.
-
Thank you for taking the time to review my work giraffmang. I'm grateful for the feedback its always helpful.
Comment from BruceMiller
I found this to be an interesting read. It held me right from the start. The dialogue certainly was believable. The story line moved smoothly without the interruption of spelling or grammatical glitches. Also, it's refreshing to read something written by an author the has a good knowledge of punctuation. I'll look out for your next installment. Cheers.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
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I found this to be an interesting read. It held me right from the start. The dialogue certainly was believable. The story line moved smoothly without the interruption of spelling or grammatical glitches. Also, it's refreshing to read something written by an author the has a good knowledge of punctuation. I'll look out for your next installment. Cheers.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
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Thanks BruceMilller, I'm glad you enjoyed my work.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. This is a terrific story. Very well-written and a joy to read. Your descriptions are great and the dialogue is handled in a good manner. i will watch for more of this story.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2016
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Excellent. This is a terrific story. Very well-written and a joy to read. Your descriptions are great and the dialogue is handled in a good manner. i will watch for more of this story.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2016
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I'm glad you enjoyed my work prettybluebirds.
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I'm glad you enjoyed my work prettybluebirds.
