Karma
Strange encounter at a small Cafe.27 total reviews
Comment from RKS2015
Good job! A wonderful concept & you evolved it into a very readable, enjoyable story. It hangs together quite well. Your characters are well developed through their dialogue. And I get who Evan was. I do recommend you re-read the copy you placed here for punctuation & typos. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
   |
Good job! A wonderful concept & you evolved it into a very readable, enjoyable story. It hangs together quite well. Your characters are well developed through their dialogue. And I get who Evan was. I do recommend you re-read the copy you placed here for punctuation & typos. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
I took your suggestion and boy did I have a lot of errors. I think I need punctuation school. I hope it is better now. You made my day.
Comment from LisaD123
This is a highly original take on the contest prompt. The differences between the characters are clearly brought out through the authentic dialogue. The ending is very well executed and it is an entertaining read. Good luck for the contest and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2016
|
This is a highly original take on the contest prompt. The differences between the characters are clearly brought out through the authentic dialogue. The ending is very well executed and it is an entertaining read. Good luck for the contest and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2016
-
Well you made my day. I rewrote this 6 times. At first I thought it could only be 700 words, Read it wrong, and it was truly hard to tell the story that evolved. Then I received reviews and truly understood where I was not understood. Isn't that why we are here to understand what we write and get feedback that shows us whether or not you understood it. I soooooooooo appreciate your review.
Comment from William Ross
very good, one never knows when they may be talking to an angel unless they reveal themselves as one. Great write wonderful read. good luck on this.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
|
very good, one never knows when they may be talking to an angel unless they reveal themselves as one. Great write wonderful read. good luck on this.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
I am glad that you enjoyed it. I went back and made a lot of changes that people suggested. This is a great website to learn on. I sure need to learn punctuation.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
An interesting little vignette here but I got confused by the end as I couldn't figure out who the extremist was. And how did Evans know?
Needs another run through for punctuation as well.
"I'll be the last one in tonight, Jeff" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
Cafe." The road - space needs after full stop and delete space after opening speech marks.
Mindy will have a fit that I didn't make it home - either 'would have' or 'I don't make it'.
late night breakfast - would supper / snack sound better here?
There are several places where you need to delete spaces after the opening speech marks.
" Sure enough," Max countered - countered seems an odd choice here in normal conversation - replied is more conventional.
"Shit!" said Max - end punctuation needed.
"Heavens" said Evan - need punctuation before the closing speech marks and end punctuation also.
"I'm Sherry" - punctuation needed before closing speech marks.
" Fate, Destiny, What goes around - what.
" I quit believing in anything years ago." - except for the concept of karma it seems?
I don't need pity" - need punctuation before end speech marks here.
" Didn't have enough money to find out." - really? In the UK you get the scans and have the option of knowing. Do you have to pay for even that where you're from?
was this guy telling her?, - comma is unnecessary.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
|
Hi there,
An interesting little vignette here but I got confused by the end as I couldn't figure out who the extremist was. And how did Evans know?
Needs another run through for punctuation as well.
"I'll be the last one in tonight, Jeff" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
Cafe." The road - space needs after full stop and delete space after opening speech marks.
Mindy will have a fit that I didn't make it home - either 'would have' or 'I don't make it'.
late night breakfast - would supper / snack sound better here?
There are several places where you need to delete spaces after the opening speech marks.
" Sure enough," Max countered - countered seems an odd choice here in normal conversation - replied is more conventional.
"Shit!" said Max - end punctuation needed.
"Heavens" said Evan - need punctuation before the closing speech marks and end punctuation also.
"I'm Sherry" - punctuation needed before closing speech marks.
" Fate, Destiny, What goes around - what.
" I quit believing in anything years ago." - except for the concept of karma it seems?
I don't need pity" - need punctuation before end speech marks here.
" Didn't have enough money to find out." - really? In the UK you get the scans and have the option of knowing. Do you have to pay for even that where you're from?
was this guy telling her?, - comma is unnecessary.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
-
Evan disappears or was never there except to Sherry and Max. He is the true believer, probably a guardian angel. That is why when Jeff asks the two of them what they want, Max counters with the idea that there are three of them. Then Sherry and Max who have both been talking to Evan look at the stool and realize he is no longer there.
I so appreciate hearing from you. Other people got that Evan was the guardian Angel but when you didn't it helps me rethink. I sure need to learn punctuation lol. Thanks so much again.
Yes, in America, if you don't have insurance you have to pay for everything, even sonograms to find out the gender of your baby.
Comment from Saradipidity
You never know when your Guardian Angel will appear. Frightened and alone, had the rain not Been so severe, Sherry would have had a very different ending to her night. Max and Jeff "will help her" has double meaning, correct?
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
|
You never know when your Guardian Angel will appear. Frightened and alone, had the rain not Been so severe, Sherry would have had a very different ending to her night. Max and Jeff "will help her" has double meaning, correct?
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
-
Yes, Thank you for reading this. I enjoyed it. I discovered 700 words is a very short time to tell a story in.
-
True, but it allowed the reader to imagine on their own. Sometimes an author gives too much detail and it takes away from the story.
Comment from Dr. Nad
Karma is a very good write for the conversation contest entry. You did an excellent job of grabbing our attention right from the very beginning with the weather bringing together the lives of multiple diverse orientations. In the short story you develop the character's well and presented us with those we could relate to and those we couldn't. Thank you for sharing, May God bless you!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
|
Karma is a very good write for the conversation contest entry. You did an excellent job of grabbing our attention right from the very beginning with the weather bringing together the lives of multiple diverse orientations. In the short story you develop the character's well and presented us with those we could relate to and those we couldn't. Thank you for sharing, May God bless you!
Comment Written 19-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
-
Thank you so much . I edited some because there were some thing that weren't clear. Thanks again
-
You are very welcome,
Embrace the Love from above!
Comment from Pyrrho
I do not get the logic of "There's three of us Jeff." It feels like a non-sequitur to me. If you had written "There's four of us, Jeff," it would have made predictive sense to me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2016
|
I do not get the logic of "There's three of us Jeff." It feels like a non-sequitur to me. If you had written "There's four of us, Jeff," it would have made predictive sense to me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2016
-
Interesting comment. Jeff asks what the two of them want, That's why Max says there are three of us that need to eat. I like your honesty as always, How could I make it clearer that Evan has disappeared or was never really there?
-
I have no idea. good luck with the solution.
