Miscellaneous Poems Vol 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "Betrayal"More poems
7 total reviews
Comment from strandregs
Well constructed and flowing berating pricking and slaying the dragos of disgusting humanity.
congratulations on an excellent creation.Z.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
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Well constructed and flowing berating pricking and slaying the dragos of disgusting humanity.
congratulations on an excellent creation.Z.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
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Thanks so much for the kind review, much appreciated :)
Comment from ~Dovey
Hi Craig,
Perhaps, there is more to the passages, "the sins of the fathers," than we all know. Trusting parents of the children to whom this happens have to feel that they carry some of that responsibility. Any way you look at it that sort of abuse is inexcusable and scarring for life, I'm sure.
Your minute poem is written in perfect syllable count and form. Good luck in the contest!
Kim
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2016
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Hi Craig,
Perhaps, there is more to the passages, "the sins of the fathers," than we all know. Trusting parents of the children to whom this happens have to feel that they carry some of that responsibility. Any way you look at it that sort of abuse is inexcusable and scarring for life, I'm sure.
Your minute poem is written in perfect syllable count and form. Good luck in the contest!
Kim
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2016
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Thanks for the kind words and good wishes, Kim - much appreciated!
Craig
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Craig,
Thursday is the day I get to catch up with reviewing in a quiet house. It's nice, but how fast the time flies when I'm enjoying myself. I read through this minute poem... you chose a very strong theme/ controversial and current topic and did well to hit it right in its face.
I like that you define/ impress the tone of the poem, and use the form's natural increase in pace to build up the anxiety/ outrage of the situation.
The first line is strong, a contradiction that evokes unrest... a sense of this should not be, before even getting into the details. Just as with the actions, everything is opposite of what should be... people held up in the most revered type positions of goodness, and shepherding the weak, instead preying on the most vulnerable with an ultimate awfulness. Super strong line.
The children's trust has now been flayed
(the only thing I paused to consider ... more for myself and I'm just sharing my pause of thought with you ... was the 'now' I wondered if this line, of all of them, could be strengthened, if now came off as a filler word, or if it has added to the poem, but I wouldn't even begin to visualize how, or if my hesitation/ pause to think on this is even correct.)
To let God in
(a chilling last line, had me wondering on several levels, for children to open up and be without any shielding to that flaw that people should be obeyed/revered under the cloth of God... or the entire notion of being left in the hands of those trusted in power, and warped to accept this, or even to the literal sense of molestation, or the figurative sense of blind faith. It's an uncomfortable line that leaves lots to think on.)
Always on the minds, how unnatural deprivation can be; perhaps it is not so much a coincidence that deprived and depraved are only a letter apart.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hi, Craig,
Thursday is the day I get to catch up with reviewing in a quiet house. It's nice, but how fast the time flies when I'm enjoying myself. I read through this minute poem... you chose a very strong theme/ controversial and current topic and did well to hit it right in its face.
I like that you define/ impress the tone of the poem, and use the form's natural increase in pace to build up the anxiety/ outrage of the situation.
The first line is strong, a contradiction that evokes unrest... a sense of this should not be, before even getting into the details. Just as with the actions, everything is opposite of what should be... people held up in the most revered type positions of goodness, and shepherding the weak, instead preying on the most vulnerable with an ultimate awfulness. Super strong line.
The children's trust has now been flayed
(the only thing I paused to consider ... more for myself and I'm just sharing my pause of thought with you ... was the 'now' I wondered if this line, of all of them, could be strengthened, if now came off as a filler word, or if it has added to the poem, but I wouldn't even begin to visualize how, or if my hesitation/ pause to think on this is even correct.)
To let God in
(a chilling last line, had me wondering on several levels, for children to open up and be without any shielding to that flaw that people should be obeyed/revered under the cloth of God... or the entire notion of being left in the hands of those trusted in power, and warped to accept this, or even to the literal sense of molestation, or the figurative sense of blind faith. It's an uncomfortable line that leaves lots to think on.)
Always on the minds, how unnatural deprivation can be; perhaps it is not so much a coincidence that deprived and depraved are only a letter apart.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hi Turtle, thanks as always for the great comments!
What do you think of "The children's trust, once pure, is flayed" - would that be an improvement?
Also, I'm thinking of changing "work" in the first line to "wreak".... a stronger word. What do you think?
Many thanks, Craig
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I really like the once pure... thought with the strength of the once pure...that a time indicator would then become more appropriate as it wouldn't be doing all the work it seemed to be doing when it was has now been:
The children's trust, once pure, now flayed...?
As for wreak.... that one's a tough call, I had liked that first line so much, I might be biased already the one way. The use of work has an appeal because hallowed ground, that's where priest's 'work'.
But it isn't their job to hurt children, that's where wreak also has some merit. and it's a word that is more powerful... even in sound it's shrill.
Comment from lightink
This gave me chills and made me tear up - I'm easy to move, but this is beyond my usual moved reaction! The topic you chose is enraging and you handled it so well!
What I always look for in a poem, you have a VERY powerful closing line - what an oxymoron! Well done! Good luck at the contest!
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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This gave me chills and made me tear up - I'm easy to move, but this is beyond my usual moved reaction! The topic you chose is enraging and you handled it so well!
What I always look for in a poem, you have a VERY powerful closing line - what an oxymoron! Well done! Good luck at the contest!
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Lightink, for the lovely comments. These thoughts have been on many peoples' minds here over the past week or so due to certain events which have been prominent in the news. Much appreciated!
Comment from I am Cat
A powerful and telling minute about things which DO (unfortunately) happen
sadly, for some, who trust too much.
well done, perfect syllabic count and form for this minute contest and
good luck to you Craig!
cat
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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A powerful and telling minute about things which DO (unfortunately) happen
sadly, for some, who trust too much.
well done, perfect syllabic count and form for this minute contest and
good luck to you Craig!
cat
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Thanks Cat, much appreciated! I just read Steve's entry, as usual it will take a lot of beating. Have seen one or two others, just working my way through slowly. No study for me for a couple of days - yahooooo :)
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THat means WE get you? woot! I just replied to your FB post... *whistles*
let's see if you're still talking to me after you read it.... lol
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oh no! lol
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you said to LIE... and so....
don't ever ask a writer to lie. ;)
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Fine, but you know that means you have to copy and paste it to your own wall - them's the rules ;-)
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LOL, yeah, I'm still laughing right now. LOL. I just read your response. Priceless. LOL
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It's called "karma" ;-)
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yes, and it just bit me on the ass. lol
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LOL
Comment from Loumon
This rating is because immediately upon reading you were able to provoke powerful emotions, betrayal, anger sadness and a desolate feeling.
The choice of words flowed effortlessly to bring this message through most clearly and rhymed quite well.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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This rating is because immediately upon reading you were able to provoke powerful emotions, betrayal, anger sadness and a desolate feeling.
The choice of words flowed effortlessly to bring this message through most clearly and rhymed quite well.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Thanks so much, Loumon, for the very generous review. I'm glad it struck a chord, as these are issues which have been at the forefront of everyone's mind where I am over the last few days. Much appreciated!
Comment from Sandy P.
Excellent piece! You have captured the hurt and damage that is heaped upon the innocent. Your rhymes are very nice. Strong words, a story well told.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Excellent piece! You have captured the hurt and damage that is heaped upon the innocent. Your rhymes are very nice. Strong words, a story well told.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Thank you for the very positive comments, much appreciated :)
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You are most welcome!
