The choice
Don wanted to be in control.16 total reviews
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
A very haunting story about a man who had to face the death of his mother after having been estranged from her for 8 years. She wanted assisted suicide as a way to get out of pain and indignity. The son, having communicated with his sister, finally found the peace he hadn't achieved in life after causing his family pain. Great story,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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A very haunting story about a man who had to face the death of his mother after having been estranged from her for 8 years. She wanted assisted suicide as a way to get out of pain and indignity. The son, having communicated with his sister, finally found the peace he hadn't achieved in life after causing his family pain. Great story,
Rhonda
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Thank you!
Comment from Halfree
There is a story lurking in a sea of words. Opening "eight years has passed" Maybe eight years have passed. The beginning paragraphs are crammed with information that does not advance the story.
The tense in the opening paragraphs changes several times....need to get the tense nailed down.
I read this several times and made notes. I think this is a good story that needs a good rewrite. We are given a lot of information that does not move the story forward. Getting the car from the garage, for example, is pretty flat. I think the author wanted the reader know the guy has a Porsche and a Rolex...got it made items telling the reader he has arrived. Just say he slipped into his Porsche, flipped the key and the car roared to life.
Some awkward sentences... my eyes snatched a glimpse...are the eyes independent ...I caught a glimpse, perhaps.
You have a good story to tell but it is lost in a sea of words.
The line..."I saw tears.....as she walked...Maybe here face was laced with tears, her eyes dead and red rimmed.
Need to get an even flow and lead the reader through the story. Sometimes a few words will be more powerful than a page. In the Christian Bible a short sentence tells it all and is powerful....Jesus Wept.
You have a lot going on in your story so take your time to tell it.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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There is a story lurking in a sea of words. Opening "eight years has passed" Maybe eight years have passed. The beginning paragraphs are crammed with information that does not advance the story.
The tense in the opening paragraphs changes several times....need to get the tense nailed down.
I read this several times and made notes. I think this is a good story that needs a good rewrite. We are given a lot of information that does not move the story forward. Getting the car from the garage, for example, is pretty flat. I think the author wanted the reader know the guy has a Porsche and a Rolex...got it made items telling the reader he has arrived. Just say he slipped into his Porsche, flipped the key and the car roared to life.
Some awkward sentences... my eyes snatched a glimpse...are the eyes independent ...I caught a glimpse, perhaps.
You have a good story to tell but it is lost in a sea of words.
The line..."I saw tears.....as she walked...Maybe here face was laced with tears, her eyes dead and red rimmed.
Need to get an even flow and lead the reader through the story. Sometimes a few words will be more powerful than a page. In the Christian Bible a short sentence tells it all and is powerful....Jesus Wept.
You have a lot going on in your story so take your time to tell it.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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thank you
Comment from Neonewman
Fantastic read my friend. Some folks will find this a bit controversial, but what isn't these days. We all have choices to make, right or wrong. The emotions in your characters came through strong. Over all a well crafted piece.
God bless!
Steve
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Fantastic read my friend. Some folks will find this a bit controversial, but what isn't these days. We all have choices to make, right or wrong. The emotions in your characters came through strong. Over all a well crafted piece.
God bless!
Steve
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you for making my day.
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My pleasure!
Comment from AnnieDawn
Wow. You have a good plot here for your story but I have many corrections to point out. That does not mean the story lacks power in any way. I enjoyed the theme and it was written well...
Frankly, I be lost without her.(I'd)
Drivers were honking their horns, waiting to be serve. I cringed my nose from the gasoline fumes (served)('cringed my nose' does not fit right. Maybe 'My eyes watered as the gasoline fumes hit my nose' or something similar?)
(I would suggest 'But the Tommy I knew moved like a turtle')
turning my head my head, caching (duplicate 'my head' misspell 'catching')
I knew the flames of fury would ignite every time we may contact.('made' contact)
but I can shortened my day when prosperous attorneys are picking up the tab." He chuckled. ('shorten' not 'shortened')
Mimi may have overloaded me grief and plenty of confrontation.(This sentence needs to be reworded)
I may have not cross the finished line('crossed' not 'cross')
I just seen a documentary on marijuana ('had' just seen)
I coming to see her." ('I'm' coming)
nor invoke my own viewpoint euthanasia. ('of' euthanasia)
(As a sixteen-year old kid, my choices were limit.('limited')
Tony pumped too much coke into his vein and never regained conscientious.('consciousness')
Crumbled soil tissues laid in disarray(Rework this...'Crumbled, soiled tissues lay in disarray')
I encourage you to continue writing as this review is for just what I have done, find what needs correcting. You have a talent and I commend you for a good job on this story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Wow. You have a good plot here for your story but I have many corrections to point out. That does not mean the story lacks power in any way. I enjoyed the theme and it was written well...
Frankly, I be lost without her.(I'd)
Drivers were honking their horns, waiting to be serve. I cringed my nose from the gasoline fumes (served)('cringed my nose' does not fit right. Maybe 'My eyes watered as the gasoline fumes hit my nose' or something similar?)
(I would suggest 'But the Tommy I knew moved like a turtle')
turning my head my head, caching (duplicate 'my head' misspell 'catching')
I knew the flames of fury would ignite every time we may contact.('made' contact)
but I can shortened my day when prosperous attorneys are picking up the tab." He chuckled. ('shorten' not 'shortened')
Mimi may have overloaded me grief and plenty of confrontation.(This sentence needs to be reworded)
I may have not cross the finished line('crossed' not 'cross')
I just seen a documentary on marijuana ('had' just seen)
I coming to see her." ('I'm' coming)
nor invoke my own viewpoint euthanasia. ('of' euthanasia)
(As a sixteen-year old kid, my choices were limit.('limited')
Tony pumped too much coke into his vein and never regained conscientious.('consciousness')
Crumbled soil tissues laid in disarray(Rework this...'Crumbled, soiled tissues lay in disarray')
I encourage you to continue writing as this review is for just what I have done, find what needs correcting. You have a talent and I commend you for a good job on this story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you for your help and time.
Comment from chcbeck
I was gripped from start to finish, I really felt the emotions that all your characters went through. I liked the fact that you didn't finish it with a big forgiveness chat between the two, as that's real life. The build up of drama was well done.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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I was gripped from start to finish, I really felt the emotions that all your characters went through. I liked the fact that you didn't finish it with a big forgiveness chat between the two, as that's real life. The build up of drama was well done.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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thank you
Comment from William Ross
A great story well written a subject that is very touchy to some people about the right to die. great job on this. Thanks for sharing the story. well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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A great story well written a subject that is very touchy to some people about the right to die. great job on this. Thanks for sharing the story. well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you
