Sometimes Roses, Sometimes Thorns
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Sun Embracing Mist"A collection of sonnets
15 total reviews
Comment from Lovinia
Hi dear Mikey
When I read your first verse, I felt rather guilty. I can tend to do exactly this .. withdraw into a deep dark freeze, just when my lover may begin to thaw ... GUILTY! Did I say that ... well it WAS his fault. I retract.
The second and third verse appear to run an anomaly with my latest post, but from the female perspective. Perhaps you've found clarity from exaggeration ... where I find ... the solution. giggle. We both went to the depths anyway, "catch/chum".
Holding on to that 'mist' of untruth, unreality, the misinterpretation ... the sun will embrace, yet eventually bring the reality one can't hide from.
I love the turn into your delusion -
"Sweet mem'ries linger, even while I'm numb.
It matters not they lack veracity."
"I thought myself the catch though I was chum;
your game, you win ... I've lost capacity."
- gosh, we run concurrent .. my loved one really did end up as "chum" ... though he did think he was the "catch".
This is an exceptional sonnet Mikey ... you've earned the cap of sonneteer ... congratulations. This is striking, a fine entry for the contest and well up there with our already marvelled sonneteers. Now I have to savour the other entries, though I expect this one to be a contender for highest placement. Damn ... why didn't I come here while I still had those shiny stars in my basket? I've done the same with Gloria's poem. You have a six from my heart ****** .... oh ... OK ... ****** more!
Hugs - Lovi xoxo
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Hi dear Mikey
When I read your first verse, I felt rather guilty. I can tend to do exactly this .. withdraw into a deep dark freeze, just when my lover may begin to thaw ... GUILTY! Did I say that ... well it WAS his fault. I retract.
The second and third verse appear to run an anomaly with my latest post, but from the female perspective. Perhaps you've found clarity from exaggeration ... where I find ... the solution. giggle. We both went to the depths anyway, "catch/chum".
Holding on to that 'mist' of untruth, unreality, the misinterpretation ... the sun will embrace, yet eventually bring the reality one can't hide from.
I love the turn into your delusion -
"Sweet mem'ries linger, even while I'm numb.
It matters not they lack veracity."
"I thought myself the catch though I was chum;
your game, you win ... I've lost capacity."
- gosh, we run concurrent .. my loved one really did end up as "chum" ... though he did think he was the "catch".
This is an exceptional sonnet Mikey ... you've earned the cap of sonneteer ... congratulations. This is striking, a fine entry for the contest and well up there with our already marvelled sonneteers. Now I have to savour the other entries, though I expect this one to be a contender for highest placement. Damn ... why didn't I come here while I still had those shiny stars in my basket? I've done the same with Gloria's poem. You have a six from my heart ****** .... oh ... OK ... ****** more!
Hugs - Lovi xoxo
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Jeez, I'm reminded that I've been contemplating your piece for a couple days without reviewing it. TYPICAL! Are you familiar with "The Mickey Mouse Club"? It was a T.V. show over here. Anyway, there was a cap with mouse ears and a song. So sonneteer cap sent my mind off with a strange version of their theme song. "Sonneteer, sonneteer, forever let us hold our pens up high!" Makes very little sense even if you've seen the show. Hahaha!
You do have the gist of this exactly right. Remember, there was a time not too far in the past when I couldn't write a line of iambic to save my life. It just takes time ... then you get your own hat and theme song! Thank you for all the stars. They mean more from the heart anyway. Hugs back, mikey
Comment from joelh605
Great vocabulary and sense of rhyme, but one technical critique; the sonnet is best done perfectly, which means that a feminine ending (11th syllable) should steal a syllable from the next line so that the iambics aren't impeded.
As with any rule exceptions to the iambics do exist, but primarily by omitting the first syllable of a key line so that it appears to start with a pause, then leaps in with the stressed syllable.
Examples:
As quickly as your fame danced forth it dwindled;
Passion? melted ice from round my soul.
I marvel at your love gone cold, unkindled;
Ghost! You spooked, then left this empty hole.
I fault myself for warmth I'd long been seeking;
surely, I was ripe for your sweet ruse.
I only dreamed the words I thought you speaking;
hope may listen - fools hear what they choose.
Four lines have a feminine ending - a kind of symmetry there, to be saluted. But in each case the following line had a first syllable that was simple to eliminate.
Rhyme long and prosper!
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Great vocabulary and sense of rhyme, but one technical critique; the sonnet is best done perfectly, which means that a feminine ending (11th syllable) should steal a syllable from the next line so that the iambics aren't impeded.
As with any rule exceptions to the iambics do exist, but primarily by omitting the first syllable of a key line so that it appears to start with a pause, then leaps in with the stressed syllable.
Examples:
As quickly as your fame danced forth it dwindled;
Passion? melted ice from round my soul.
I marvel at your love gone cold, unkindled;
Ghost! You spooked, then left this empty hole.
I fault myself for warmth I'd long been seeking;
surely, I was ripe for your sweet ruse.
I only dreamed the words I thought you speaking;
hope may listen - fools hear what they choose.
Four lines have a feminine ending - a kind of symmetry there, to be saluted. But in each case the following line had a first syllable that was simple to eliminate.
Rhyme long and prosper!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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This is totally new to me. I learned everything I know about sonnets here. Wow. I hear it perfectly when I read it with your suggestions. Yes. What a difference! Thank you so much. I'm not sure if the contest committee is up to date with this, but the second the judging ends I'm fixing this. Awesome encouraging review. Thanks again. mikey
Comment from OnyxSapphire78
This poem is a wonderful expression of the emotion felt upon being hurt by someone you have given your heart to. The sorrow, the anger, the self-reflection, the beating yourself up for being betrayed in the first place, the deep cut of sadness that brings you down a notch. You have done an excellent job expressing this pain to your reader. This is a really great entry! I have a couple of favorite lines:
Away you prance--adieu with vapid wink.
I hold fast to the mist with each moist blink.
**I love your word choices here and images brought forth from your words. I love that you use the word adieu. I studied French briefly(I should totally study the language again, it's lovely) and the word adieu is taught to only be used when you are saying good-bye forever or when you are super pissed, so I love to see that word here for it surely fits.
Sweet mem'ries linger, even while I'm numb.
**This is such a strong line emotionally. I love it!
Thank you for sharing this!
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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This poem is a wonderful expression of the emotion felt upon being hurt by someone you have given your heart to. The sorrow, the anger, the self-reflection, the beating yourself up for being betrayed in the first place, the deep cut of sadness that brings you down a notch. You have done an excellent job expressing this pain to your reader. This is a really great entry! I have a couple of favorite lines:
Away you prance--adieu with vapid wink.
I hold fast to the mist with each moist blink.
**I love your word choices here and images brought forth from your words. I love that you use the word adieu. I studied French briefly(I should totally study the language again, it's lovely) and the word adieu is taught to only be used when you are saying good-bye forever or when you are super pissed, so I love to see that word here for it surely fits.
Sweet mem'ries linger, even while I'm numb.
**This is such a strong line emotionally. I love it!
Thank you for sharing this!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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What a great review. I'm so delighted. I especially enjoyed your insights and analysis. Thank you so much. mikey
Comment from Drew Delaney
Whoa! This is superb, Edgar Allan Poe. Now why can't I write like that?
You amaze me, Michael. This is sooooooo outstanding.
Drew x
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Whoa! This is superb, Edgar Allan Poe. Now why can't I write like that?
You amaze me, Michael. This is sooooooo outstanding.
Drew x
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Wow! I'm soooo delighted to read these wonderful words. Thank you so very much. I'm speechless. Look at all the stars. I can't stop smiling. mikey :))
Comment from Joy Graham
Ooooh this is truly gorgeous, Michael :) I'm sorry I'm out of sixes. I beg your forgiveness. This is quality writing right here, my friend. I love your iambic pentameter. I love your use of feminine line endings for the first two stanzas and then stopped in the third stanza. That is a very musical touch! It gives a huge punch effect (affect? I can never get those two sorted out lol). It really enhances the turn in the story. Nice closing couplet. I like the vapid wink and moist blink. This has lots of lovely extra poetic devices that lift it off the page and really slam the meaning home for the reader. I predict you'll take this contest by storm! I was about to post my sonnet attempt, but now I look down at my work and feel like I got nothin' - heavy sigh...
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Ooooh this is truly gorgeous, Michael :) I'm sorry I'm out of sixes. I beg your forgiveness. This is quality writing right here, my friend. I love your iambic pentameter. I love your use of feminine line endings for the first two stanzas and then stopped in the third stanza. That is a very musical touch! It gives a huge punch effect (affect? I can never get those two sorted out lol). It really enhances the turn in the story. Nice closing couplet. I like the vapid wink and moist blink. This has lots of lovely extra poetic devices that lift it off the page and really slam the meaning home for the reader. I predict you'll take this contest by storm! I was about to post my sonnet attempt, but now I look down at my work and feel like I got nothin' - heavy sigh...
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Endless praise is waaaaaaay better than an old six any day!! Thank you soooo much. Wow. I've read your sonnet, by the way and found it to be lovely and well done. According to you, I know what I'm doing so you can trust my judgement. :)))) mikey
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you gave me great advice that I should have thought of myself. I teeak evry time I look at it now lol!
Comment from krys123
Mikey;
-suggestions: your third line has to many syllables, 11 to be precise and number seven line has 11 syllables also.
-The rest of your writings rhyming was done well in each of your rhyming words were contingent to the meaning and concept of each line.
-Also your rhyming was neither forced nor labored which was also helpful in making your rhythm flow smoothly.
-Your rhythmic meter mostly is iambic pentameter and your cadence, timing and tempo wall helpful in making the reading clear, fluid and very easy.
-The pictures very appropriate and relative to your conceptual theme.
-Very good use of enjambment.
-Your metaphorical imagery is quite distinct and clear and exquisitely expressive and vividly and demonstratively descriptive throughout your writing.
-I enjoyed your writing thank you for sharing and posting and good luck in the contest and may the good Lord be with you always Mikey.
Alex
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Mikey;
-suggestions: your third line has to many syllables, 11 to be precise and number seven line has 11 syllables also.
-The rest of your writings rhyming was done well in each of your rhyming words were contingent to the meaning and concept of each line.
-Also your rhyming was neither forced nor labored which was also helpful in making your rhythm flow smoothly.
-Your rhythmic meter mostly is iambic pentameter and your cadence, timing and tempo wall helpful in making the reading clear, fluid and very easy.
-The pictures very appropriate and relative to your conceptual theme.
-Very good use of enjambment.
-Your metaphorical imagery is quite distinct and clear and exquisitely expressive and vividly and demonstratively descriptive throughout your writing.
-I enjoyed your writing thank you for sharing and posting and good luck in the contest and may the good Lord be with you always Mikey.
Alex
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Another wonderful in depth analysis and review. I like the feminine endings from time to time. So pleased you enjoyed. Thanks so much. Many blessings to you and yours as the new year gets under way, mikey
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You are very welcome Mikey.
Alex
Comment from rama devi
Outstanding and original, dear Mikey. Expressive--both emotional and witty simultaneously. Enjoyed this!
Flawless meter, great rhymes, excellent composition style--a strong entry for the contest.
Love the internal assonance that sounds like rhyme here, as well as the meaning (note one spag suggestion):
I fault myself for warmth I'd long been seeking.
So surely, I was ripe for your sweet ruse.
I only dreamed the words I thought you speaking;
when hope is list'ning(,) fools hear what they choose.
Great opening stanza--energetic, with fine imagery and nice alliteration of F and M as well as consonance of K:
As quickly as your flame danced forth, it dwindled,
while passion melted ice from 'round my soul.
I marvel at your love gone cold, unkindled.
Fair ghost, you spooked--then left this empty hole.
Memorable lines:
Sweet mem'ries linger, even while I'm numb.
It matters not they lack veracity.
Great rhyme choices and fine alliteration of C:
I thought myself the catch though I was chum;
your game, you win ... I've lost capacity.
Amazing combination of being an amusing and poignant closing couplet:
Away you prance--adieu with vapid wink.
I hold fast to the mist with each moist blink.
Clever rhymes! Fine consonance of S and soft C as well as alliteration of M
Your sonnet is well crafted and sounds great read aloud but the best aspect is the uniqueness and the recipe of humor and sadness.
Bravo
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Outstanding and original, dear Mikey. Expressive--both emotional and witty simultaneously. Enjoyed this!
Flawless meter, great rhymes, excellent composition style--a strong entry for the contest.
Love the internal assonance that sounds like rhyme here, as well as the meaning (note one spag suggestion):
I fault myself for warmth I'd long been seeking.
So surely, I was ripe for your sweet ruse.
I only dreamed the words I thought you speaking;
when hope is list'ning(,) fools hear what they choose.
Great opening stanza--energetic, with fine imagery and nice alliteration of F and M as well as consonance of K:
As quickly as your flame danced forth, it dwindled,
while passion melted ice from 'round my soul.
I marvel at your love gone cold, unkindled.
Fair ghost, you spooked--then left this empty hole.
Memorable lines:
Sweet mem'ries linger, even while I'm numb.
It matters not they lack veracity.
Great rhyme choices and fine alliteration of C:
I thought myself the catch though I was chum;
your game, you win ... I've lost capacity.
Amazing combination of being an amusing and poignant closing couplet:
Away you prance--adieu with vapid wink.
I hold fast to the mist with each moist blink.
Clever rhymes! Fine consonance of S and soft C as well as alliteration of M
Your sonnet is well crafted and sounds great read aloud but the best aspect is the uniqueness and the recipe of humor and sadness.
Bravo
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Wow! I'm not kidding when I say I've printed and framed this. Ha!
I can't begin to tell you how delighted I am to read these wonderful words. I learned all of this here and a great deal of it from you. Thank you so much. I think I said I'd retire if I ever received a six from you. It seems I feel just the opposite. I'm ready to write! Big smiles. Hugs, mikey
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Yay! Thanks for your enthusiastic response, dear Mikey--and for voicing how you value a six from me...means a lot. I enjoyed your fun response. Glad you feel prompted to write! Hugs, rd
Comment from Pantygynt
This makes perfect sense to me, Mikey. I love the construction of this sonnet with the feminine endings in the first two stanzas' odd numbered lines and the way they shange to feminine rhyme in the even numbered lines of the the third stanza, the volta. This helps to negotiate the "turn".
I have to admit wanting to say "been there, done that, bought the T shirt. "Chum" is about all I can hope for at my age i suppose.
The imagery in the final couplet is so apposite. It took me back to... Oh never mind. It just took me back, is all.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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This makes perfect sense to me, Mikey. I love the construction of this sonnet with the feminine endings in the first two stanzas' odd numbered lines and the way they shange to feminine rhyme in the even numbered lines of the the third stanza, the volta. This helps to negotiate the "turn".
I have to admit wanting to say "been there, done that, bought the T shirt. "Chum" is about all I can hope for at my age i suppose.
The imagery in the final couplet is so apposite. It took me back to... Oh never mind. It just took me back, is all.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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It means a lot to have a top author give his stamp of approval. Most appreciated. Yeah, it takes me back too ... but, that love thing, it can hit at any time. :)) mikey
Comment from nordicgirl
Dear, Mikey
Oh my how far you have come. Quite a sonnet for a free verser like yourself. I do recall a time you couldn`t pen a single line of iambic.
Wow!! This compares to ANYONE craft wise. Just flawless. The content is deep and draws me in nodding my head.
Your notes are most appreciated. Yes, a little tiff can fel like this when feelings run deep. I bet this wins!!!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Dear, Mikey
Oh my how far you have come. Quite a sonnet for a free verser like yourself. I do recall a time you couldn`t pen a single line of iambic.
Wow!! This compares to ANYONE craft wise. Just flawless. The content is deep and draws me in nodding my head.
Your notes are most appreciated. Yes, a little tiff can fel like this when feelings run deep. I bet this wins!!!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Yep. You are soooo right. I couldn't pen a piece without running to Marillion for help. Actually he'd practically rewrite them for me. But, that's how I learned. Ha! Like a giant poetic leech!!!
I'm so pleased you understood the content of this. Yes, it happens long term, but this could be the feeling right after a tiff. It cuts soooo deep when true love is involved. Beautiful stars and understanding. Thank you so much, mikey
Comment from ellie6
A poignat poem which speaks of lost love and betrayal. A particuarly thought provoking line is 'When hope is list'ning fools her what they choose'. How true.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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A poignat poem which speaks of lost love and betrayal. A particuarly thought provoking line is 'When hope is list'ning fools her what they choose'. How true.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Oh, thanks for pointing that line out. Yeah! I thought that was exactly what I wanted to say there, glad you agree. Thank you so much, mikey
