2nd Time Around
Viewing comments for Prologue "Prologue"A fight for life and truth.
34 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
This started off on a slow pace, but picked up speed as the story progressed. You story takes more meaning as it moves forward. Very good job of writing.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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This started off on a slow pace, but picked up speed as the story progressed. You story takes more meaning as it moves forward. Very good job of writing.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Thank you. You should have seen how slow it was before my revisions. If you could point out anything you might still consider irrelevant just based on the prologue's content, I would appreciate that. Thanks again for your support.
Comment from William Ross
very good, a great story well written had me wanting to keep reading, held my interest well. i don't know what would need working on here excellent job.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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very good, a great story well written had me wanting to keep reading, held my interest well. i don't know what would need working on here excellent job.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Thank you.
Comment from jpduck
You have the beginnings of an excellent plot here. But I feel that a lot of work is needed to trim it down. At present, in my opinion, there is far too much irrelevant and barely relevant detail, causing the story to be very slow moving.
'Sarah saw a mixture of determination and hesitation in his eyes' (It is hard to imagine what this contradictory combination would look like).
'They stopped moving and Sarah understood what she had just done.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
Please remember that all reviews, even those of professional critics (which I'm certainly not), are nothing more nor less than personal opinion.
Adrian
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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You have the beginnings of an excellent plot here. But I feel that a lot of work is needed to trim it down. At present, in my opinion, there is far too much irrelevant and barely relevant detail, causing the story to be very slow moving.
'Sarah saw a mixture of determination and hesitation in his eyes' (It is hard to imagine what this contradictory combination would look like).
'They stopped moving and Sarah understood what she had just done.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
Please remember that all reviews, even those of professional critics (which I'm certainly not), are nothing more nor less than personal opinion.
Adrian
Comment Written 07-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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No worries. Your feedback is the sort of thing I was hoping for when I joined Fan Story. Thank you.
Comment from dmt1967
The story itself was good. The beginning, in my opinion, seemed stifled by all the unnecessary information we were given. The middle picked up the pace, but the ending was a letdown. It didn't make me want to read on. This is just my point of view. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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The story itself was good. The beginning, in my opinion, seemed stifled by all the unnecessary information we were given. The middle picked up the pace, but the ending was a letdown. It didn't make me want to read on. This is just my point of view. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Thank you. I will see how I can beef it up.
Comment from BillyCraven
wow! you packed a lot into that. i thought the amount of names introduced was a little jarring and was sad to see spider man's uncle was a killer but i really like your use of dialogue. it's very natural on the ear. you also establish a sense of the scene and use some of the more common elements of crime fiction very effectively.
it was an impressive opening- it actually reminded me of the climax of most stories rather than the prologue so I' interested to see where it goes.
nice work
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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wow! you packed a lot into that. i thought the amount of names introduced was a little jarring and was sad to see spider man's uncle was a killer but i really like your use of dialogue. it's very natural on the ear. you also establish a sense of the scene and use some of the more common elements of crime fiction very effectively.
it was an impressive opening- it actually reminded me of the climax of most stories rather than the prologue so I' interested to see where it goes.
nice work
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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Thank you. My aim is to make the aftermath of the killings the center of the plot. Given the format I am attempting, this all had to be stuck into the prologue. I didn't think of Spider-man at the time and I feel a bit bad, especially now that Martin Sheen's played the role, but the name stuck to the character by then. Thanks again for your feedback.
Comment from trumby
Sarah should possibly be a bit worried here, as she is the only living suspect.
We're going to have to find out WHY he did it. When that happens, Sarah might be off the hook
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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Sarah should possibly be a bit worried here, as she is the only living suspect.
We're going to have to find out WHY he did it. When that happens, Sarah might be off the hook
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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I should think so, though she's too upset over what happened to even think about that right now. Thanks for your feedback.
Comment from royowen
I think I know where this is heading, she will be the one charged with the murders, she's got her finger prints all over the knife, there's blood all over her shoes, the question is, what's she doing in the house? And I'm sure other circumstantial and incriminating evidence will point it in that direction. Great story, I found it enthralling and until the discovered murder, I thought it was going in another direction, so well done, great scribing, setting itself up for a wonderful plot, wel done. Great reading. Blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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I think I know where this is heading, she will be the one charged with the murders, she's got her finger prints all over the knife, there's blood all over her shoes, the question is, what's she doing in the house? And I'm sure other circumstantial and incriminating evidence will point it in that direction. Great story, I found it enthralling and until the discovered murder, I thought it was going in another direction, so well done, great scribing, setting itself up for a wonderful plot, wel done. Great reading. Blessings, Roy
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Thank you. It's fine with me if you start figuring things out ahead of time. My interest is in the fact that you are invested as to how it happens. A lot of things which would normally be the big climax will be revealed early on...but one mystery remains.
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Well done
Comment from damommy
It's me again. Can you stand it?
I liked the first one, so it's hard to judge. This is very good, too. I did have a little trouble reading it since there are no paragraph breaks.
I'm going to enjoy reading this again. 8-)
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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It's me again. Can you stand it?
I liked the first one, so it's hard to judge. This is very good, too. I did have a little trouble reading it since there are no paragraph breaks.
I'm going to enjoy reading this again. 8-)
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Five stars is plenty. Thank you.
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You're welcome.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was well written. Very enjoyable. I think some of the "telling" at the start could be moved further into the chapter so that you can catch the interest of the reader. Perhaps even use internal thought to show us. But overall very good job. Enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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I thought this was well written. Very enjoyable. I think some of the "telling" at the start could be moved further into the chapter so that you can catch the interest of the reader. Perhaps even use internal thought to show us. But overall very good job. Enjoyable read.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Thank you. I will consider that.
Comment from Reedblitzerman
Thank you for your offering. I was actually leaning toward the computer screen reading this. Nice setup with the small table in the hallway and then getting hit in the head with the bag of flour. Hopefully forensics will exonerate her.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2015
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Thank you for your offering. I was actually leaning toward the computer screen reading this. Nice setup with the small table in the hallway and then getting hit in the head with the bag of flour. Hopefully forensics will exonerate her.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2015
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Thank you. She wasn't cuffed when she left the house that night, but her problems are far from over.
