Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Cruel Gifts "From one life to another
10 total reviews
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
The glittering of gold steals my focus, and I'm in awe. A woman hangs, naked, bound, and beaten, her face hidden by a mane of red. Only one emerald eye pierced through, darting between us, like a beast ready to strike. ' wow what a beautiful description. I miss my red hair! This is so well written. I'm kind of in awe. Well done I would like to read a lot more of your work. It's pretty incredible. Kindest regards and well done Meia x
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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The glittering of gold steals my focus, and I'm in awe. A woman hangs, naked, bound, and beaten, her face hidden by a mane of red. Only one emerald eye pierced through, darting between us, like a beast ready to strike. ' wow what a beautiful description. I miss my red hair! This is so well written. I'm kind of in awe. Well done I would like to read a lot more of your work. It's pretty incredible. Kindest regards and well done Meia x
Comment Written 18-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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Thank you, I try and post every month. So hopefully you won't have to wait long. If you need something to tide you over, I have four older chapters and a short story.
Comment from C. Gale Burnett
What I liked most was the narrator's voice, his thoughts and emotions.
Where I became confused was reading of the Pagan priestess; I felt the significance of her capture was there, but there was no closure to that scene.
I enjoyed the story.
Gale
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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What I liked most was the narrator's voice, his thoughts and emotions.
Where I became confused was reading of the Pagan priestess; I felt the significance of her capture was there, but there was no closure to that scene.
I enjoyed the story.
Gale
Comment Written 18-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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Thank you. I am glad that you are enjoying my work. I will be flushing out that pagan priestess further in the story.
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Awesome, and you are so welcome :)
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Excellent! This story promotes many values diversely through nice characters and plot development in a fair art and style of expression; change is growing, judicious decision to curb crime is well projected; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2019
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Excellent! This story promotes many values diversely through nice characters and plot development in a fair art and style of expression; change is growing, judicious decision to curb crime is well projected; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
Comment Written 04-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2019
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Glad you enjoyed it, Alcreator Litt Dead.
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I'm alive
Comment from Janilou
An interesting chapter. I don't recall reading any previous chapters. This one drew me in and left me wanting to see what happens next.
Notes:
"I see,"( ?) pushing myself off the wall; I kneel down so that I'm eye-level with the girl.
There seems to be a speech tag missing here?
"Is this some kind of joke?!" turning to the couple, angry at the situation.
Appears to be a speech tag missing here too. Also, avoid using two punctuations - the question mark is sufficient.
"Is this some kind of joke?" (?) turning to the couple, angry at the situation.
"Did you not hear me slave?"
Add comma:
"Did you not hear me, slave?"
Just as they leave Livia says, "Have fun Colton" in a mocking tone.
Add comma:
Just as they leave, Livia says, "Have fun Colton" in a mocking tone.
Hope this helps.
Jan
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2019
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An interesting chapter. I don't recall reading any previous chapters. This one drew me in and left me wanting to see what happens next.
Notes:
"I see,"( ?) pushing myself off the wall; I kneel down so that I'm eye-level with the girl.
There seems to be a speech tag missing here?
"Is this some kind of joke?!" turning to the couple, angry at the situation.
Appears to be a speech tag missing here too. Also, avoid using two punctuations - the question mark is sufficient.
"Is this some kind of joke?" (?) turning to the couple, angry at the situation.
"Did you not hear me slave?"
Add comma:
"Did you not hear me, slave?"
Just as they leave Livia says, "Have fun Colton" in a mocking tone.
Add comma:
Just as they leave, Livia says, "Have fun Colton" in a mocking tone.
Hope this helps.
Jan
Comment Written 03-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2019
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Thank you for the feedback Janilou. The examples you have provided are the exact type of reviews I need. (the error, plus the correction)
Thank you it does help.
Comment from Mistydawn
This is the first chapter I've read of this story, but it was easy to understand what's going on. The chapter is very well-written, interesting, your characters dialogue and actions seem realistic. You have a good hook at the end. Nicely done
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2019
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This is the first chapter I've read of this story, but it was easy to understand what's going on. The chapter is very well-written, interesting, your characters dialogue and actions seem realistic. You have a good hook at the end. Nicely done
Comment Written 03-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2019
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Thank you, I hope you continue to enjoy my work.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
I've listed below the SPAG issues in just the first quarter of the story. With this many stops and starts, it is extremely hard to focus on the story. You really need to run this through a reliable grammar checker before putting it out there to be read. Here are the SPAG issues I found prior to giving up reading:
Sending the girl away I walk around my Aunt and take a seat next to my sister. - comma needed after "away".
"Are you more comfortable here with less noise?" - needs comma after "here".
"What isn't fair Enid?" - needs comma after "fair".
"create or destroy alliances of many families" - should be 'the alliances'.
" Pulling out a simple bracelet she attempts to tie it to my wrist but has a lot of difficulties putting it on." - needs comma after "wrist".
"Taking her hand once again we walk back to Iona and Giselle, who has also been joined with Brianna and Aideen and graying Lord Titus with his two oldest sons." - needs comma after "hand"; remove "once again" as it is not needed; "has" should be 'have'.
Nicely done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2019
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I've listed below the SPAG issues in just the first quarter of the story. With this many stops and starts, it is extremely hard to focus on the story. You really need to run this through a reliable grammar checker before putting it out there to be read. Here are the SPAG issues I found prior to giving up reading:
Sending the girl away I walk around my Aunt and take a seat next to my sister. - comma needed after "away".
"Are you more comfortable here with less noise?" - needs comma after "here".
"What isn't fair Enid?" - needs comma after "fair".
"create or destroy alliances of many families" - should be 'the alliances'.
" Pulling out a simple bracelet she attempts to tie it to my wrist but has a lot of difficulties putting it on." - needs comma after "wrist".
"Taking her hand once again we walk back to Iona and Giselle, who has also been joined with Brianna and Aideen and graying Lord Titus with his two oldest sons." - needs comma after "hand"; remove "once again" as it is not needed; "has" should be 'have'.
Nicely done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2019
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Thank you for the feedback Mystic Angel 7777. Are there any grammar checkers you could recommend. I'm currently trying a program known as Grammarly. It helps, but it can't catch everything.
Comment from Joyce Long
Your story develops very well. Slavery is and was a cruel thing. A sex slave would be a horrible life.
With the tree of life tattooed on her back, she was a woman of importance. No wonder her eyes are full of hate. She certainly doesn't know whom she can trust.
Very well done.
Thanks for sharing.
Joyce 11-18-15
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015
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Your story develops very well. Slavery is and was a cruel thing. A sex slave would be a horrible life.
With the tree of life tattooed on her back, she was a woman of importance. No wonder her eyes are full of hate. She certainly doesn't know whom she can trust.
Very well done.
Thanks for sharing.
Joyce 11-18-15
Comment Written 18-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015
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I glad you enjoyed this chapter Joyce Long. I we try and update this more frequently.
Quick question do you believe that the woman with the tree of life tattoo, and the woman handing in Colton's room are one and the same? Just curious I'm a little confused with how you wrote that.
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I glad you enjoyed this chapter Joyce Long. I we try and update this more frequently.
Quick question do you believe that the woman with the tree of life tattoo, and the woman handing in Colton's room are one and the same? Just curious I'm a little confused with how you wrote that.
Comment from wordspinner314
This is a very taught chapter, filled with intrigue, suspense, emotion, and an unexpected twist at the end! You definitely know how to thoroughly explore Colton's character, making him a complicated yet likable person. Your dialogue is also spot-on. Well done!
If you don't mind, I found some SPAGs throughout the story that, if corrected, would probably help make it an even stronger piece.
Only now she is wearing simple yellow dress made of silk. (wearing a simple)
. . . Lady Iona requires you presence. (requires your presence)
In a attempt to lighten the mood . . . (in an attempt)
. . . making me realized she believes that this party should also celebrate my birthday. (realize)
. . . I'm sure Aunt Iona isn't enjoying herself anymore then we are. (than, not then)
. . . I know that she wants to do this and her own. (this on her own)
. . . I she Giselle and Iona ushering me to join them. (I see Giselle)
I was ordered to find Livia after she started staying out much later then she was allowed to. (than, not then)
. . . we final found out that Livia had been spending her time at a brothel . . . (finally)
"follow me and will leave together." (we'll, not will)
She is topless and covered head to toe is clay like mud . . . (toe in clay)
He says, resulting in less applause then I expected. (than, not then)
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015
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This is a very taught chapter, filled with intrigue, suspense, emotion, and an unexpected twist at the end! You definitely know how to thoroughly explore Colton's character, making him a complicated yet likable person. Your dialogue is also spot-on. Well done!
If you don't mind, I found some SPAGs throughout the story that, if corrected, would probably help make it an even stronger piece.
Only now she is wearing simple yellow dress made of silk. (wearing a simple)
. . . Lady Iona requires you presence. (requires your presence)
In a attempt to lighten the mood . . . (in an attempt)
. . . making me realized she believes that this party should also celebrate my birthday. (realize)
. . . I'm sure Aunt Iona isn't enjoying herself anymore then we are. (than, not then)
. . . I know that she wants to do this and her own. (this on her own)
. . . I she Giselle and Iona ushering me to join them. (I see Giselle)
I was ordered to find Livia after she started staying out much later then she was allowed to. (than, not then)
. . . we final found out that Livia had been spending her time at a brothel . . . (finally)
"follow me and will leave together." (we'll, not will)
She is topless and covered head to toe is clay like mud . . . (toe in clay)
He says, resulting in less applause then I expected. (than, not then)
Comment Written 18-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015
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Thank you for the feedback wordspinner314, I'm glad you enjoyed my story.
Comment from Christof McTarnahan
Great story. The character interactions are great and your dialogue is superb. I liked the tone you set with this piece. Just between you and me, however, you misspelled college in your bio.
" I started to write in collage, "
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015
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Great story. The character interactions are great and your dialogue is superb. I liked the tone you set with this piece. Just between you and me, however, you misspelled college in your bio.
" I started to write in collage, "
Comment Written 18-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015
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Thank you Chrisof Mc Tarahan. I'm glad you enjoyed my work. I'll fix that error asap.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Quite a lot going on in this chapter and you do a good job of delivering the tension in the situation.
now she is wearing simple yellow dress - a simple yellow dress.
Lady Iona requires you presence - your presence.
In a attempt - an attempt.
gently force her - how does one gently force?
making me realized - realize.
wants to do this and her own - on her own.
between Titus sons - Titus' sons.
count on to keep order in the region" - needs closing punctuation before the end speech marks.
quickly almost lead to us - led.
I she Giselle - see Giselle.
we final found out - finally.
"My fellow imperials, tonight we celebrate. - needs closing speech marks as they are reopened later.
will find out together - we'll.
Cato says proudly as her signals - he signals.
Catos men bring out - Cato's.
Once he speech is over - his speech.
Just as I'm ready leave - ready to leave.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015
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Hi there,
Quite a lot going on in this chapter and you do a good job of delivering the tension in the situation.
now she is wearing simple yellow dress - a simple yellow dress.
Lady Iona requires you presence - your presence.
In a attempt - an attempt.
gently force her - how does one gently force?
making me realized - realize.
wants to do this and her own - on her own.
between Titus sons - Titus' sons.
count on to keep order in the region" - needs closing punctuation before the end speech marks.
quickly almost lead to us - led.
I she Giselle - see Giselle.
we final found out - finally.
"My fellow imperials, tonight we celebrate. - needs closing speech marks as they are reopened later.
will find out together - we'll.
Cato says proudly as her signals - he signals.
Catos men bring out - Cato's.
Once he speech is over - his speech.
Just as I'm ready leave - ready to leave.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 18-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much for the feedback giraffmang.
