The Conjurer, Part Five
Mounting mistrust40 total reviews
Comment from Dean Kuch
"My thoughts circled like ants around a picnic lunch, and I felt myself begin to detach from my body--..."----Ya' know, ants are pretty regimented, Bev. They don't run helter-skelter about but follow a distinct pattern. They form a sort of insect conga line, each one with a responsibility to carry food back to the hill. Yellow jackets on the other hand, or flies, well... those little suckers have no distinct pattern, and they buzz about all over the place. Just an observation...
"Furthermore, you look like you shouldber (be) attending class at the local high school..."-----"be" attending class...
"When we'd first gotten close to the truck, nothing seemed amiss. It was only after following it for some distance that the engine blew. Puente had known something was going to happen to the truck; I was sure of it. But how was that possible?"-----------Well, either Puente was psychic, or...he or someone he knew rigged the truck to blow to delay whomever was inside of it from getting back to wherever they were going in a reasonable amount of time. Perhaps just enough time to allow Senor Pasquale his meeting with Doctor Stefano Morales unencumbered.
The drama and tension keep mounting, Bev, as the meeting between the shaman and Stefano has once again been delayed. But, that's what keeps the reader coming back for more... again and again, isn't it? That "not knowing" and the need TO know?
Wanna' know how to keep a horror/thriller writer in suspense?
I'll tell ya' later... heh-heh.
Another excellent chapter in the ongoing saga, Bev.
Good stuff...
With admiration
~Dean ;}
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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"My thoughts circled like ants around a picnic lunch, and I felt myself begin to detach from my body--..."----Ya' know, ants are pretty regimented, Bev. They don't run helter-skelter about but follow a distinct pattern. They form a sort of insect conga line, each one with a responsibility to carry food back to the hill. Yellow jackets on the other hand, or flies, well... those little suckers have no distinct pattern, and they buzz about all over the place. Just an observation...
"Furthermore, you look like you should
"When we'd first gotten close to the truck, nothing seemed amiss. It was only after following it for some distance that the engine blew. Puente had known something was going to happen to the truck; I was sure of it. But how was that possible?"-----------Well, either Puente was psychic, or...he or someone he knew rigged the truck to blow to delay whomever was inside of it from getting back to wherever they were going in a reasonable amount of time. Perhaps just enough time to allow Senor Pasquale his meeting with Doctor Stefano Morales unencumbered.
The drama and tension keep mounting, Bev, as the meeting between the shaman and Stefano has once again been delayed. But, that's what keeps the reader coming back for more... again and again, isn't it? That "not knowing" and the need TO know?
Wanna' know how to keep a horror/thriller writer in suspense?
I'll tell ya' later... heh-heh.
Another excellent chapter in the ongoing saga, Bev.
Good stuff...
With admiration
~Dean ;}
Comment Written 09-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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Hi, Dean. Thanks so much for setting me straight on the ants. I've changed it, per your excellent suggestion, to flies. They're more in tune with the supernatural anyhow. Ha!
As you say, I've delayed the meeting. That's all going to change with the next part. But the meeting will be, well, more of another encounter. Stefano is getting his introduction into the sorcerer's world and doesn't even realize it!
Thanks so much for your great generosity and encouragement. Since I'm working within the realm of your mastery, it's especially gratifying.
All my best,
Bev
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Well, if you're like me, Bev, nothing spoils a picnic more than a bunch'a stupid flies getting all over your food.
You are very welcome.
I'd really love to get your opinion on my poem, A Terrible Toll sometime when you get the chance to read it. It's on the front page so it pays around 1.09 to read, I believe.
Thanks...
~Dean :}
Comment from RGstar
I liked the introduction to Carlos in reference to ''lack of skin'' and facial hair''
These are the sort of areas that any good writer must cover... not too much so it detracts, but just right so it enhances.
''I stepped back into the hallway and headed for the elevator without addressing Carlos. "
Small bagatelle, Bev, but I might have just used the pronoun ''Him'' instead of , ''Carlos'' as the imediate action surrounds him by way of speech and thought with name already mentioned.
Bev, this was a good display of using the periphery when writing, what I call, a holding chapter, the bedding, the ground for what is yet to come and not just a filling out of the narrative.
Nicely done , even picking out some vital pieces of character on the way.
Bravo.
Very good writing.
My best to you.
RG
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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I liked the introduction to Carlos in reference to ''lack of skin'' and facial hair''
These are the sort of areas that any good writer must cover... not too much so it detracts, but just right so it enhances.
''I stepped back into the hallway and headed for the elevator without addressing Carlos. "
Small bagatelle, Bev, but I might have just used the pronoun ''Him'' instead of , ''Carlos'' as the imediate action surrounds him by way of speech and thought with name already mentioned.
Bev, this was a good display of using the periphery when writing, what I call, a holding chapter, the bedding, the ground for what is yet to come and not just a filling out of the narrative.
Nicely done , even picking out some vital pieces of character on the way.
Bravo.
Very good writing.
My best to you.
RG
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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Hi, RG. Thank you very much for your suggestion. I always appreciate a way to further tighten the writing, so it's appreciated.
Your insights, generosity and encouragement mean a lot to me. I think you've picked up the pulse of this story, and I am very gratified by that. Great to hear from you, as always!
:) Bev
Comment from chasennov
Mounting mistrust. The Conjurer, Part Five.' This is such a great chapter you have created here, Bev. This story is getting somewhere. Loved every word. Very well done.
"For my safety, what's that supposed to mean?" (That's what I'd like to know too.)
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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Mounting mistrust. The Conjurer, Part Five.' This is such a great chapter you have created here, Bev. This story is getting somewhere. Loved every word. Very well done.
"For my safety, what's that supposed to mean?" (That's what I'd like to know too.)
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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Hi, C. Thank you so much for this very kind and generous review. Stefano is in the initiation phase of shamanism and doesn't realize it. All of this is designed to get him outside his own head, but that realization at this point would likely scare him to death! Who knows if he will survive this little road trip.
:) Bev
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You are most welcome, Bev. We'll wait and see.
Comment from Jay Squires
I apologize for not getting to this earlier, Bev. I pulled it from my queue, early this morning, but was barraged with so many posts, I couldn't get to this until now. I show the nits full knowing you've probably corrected them already.
This is a great addition to your novel. The mystery, as it unfolds, adds to the tension. Your dialogue sparkles, as usual.
. Furthermore, you look like you should ber attending class at the local high school, [...you should BE ? attending ...]
, which gave Puente had plenty of opportunities to pass. [Choices, choices!]
It fluttered in the air like a wind-blown wing and came to rest on Puente's forearm. [Good line.]
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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I apologize for not getting to this earlier, Bev. I pulled it from my queue, early this morning, but was barraged with so many posts, I couldn't get to this until now. I show the nits full knowing you've probably corrected them already.
This is a great addition to your novel. The mystery, as it unfolds, adds to the tension. Your dialogue sparkles, as usual.
. Furthermore, you look like you should ber attending class at the local high school, [...you should BE ? attending ...]
, which gave Puente had plenty of opportunities to pass. [Choices, choices!]
It fluttered in the air like a wind-blown wing and came to rest on Puente's forearm. [Good line.]
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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Hi, Jay. Thank you very much for your excellent review. You never have to apologize for not reviewing something of mine. I know how busy a writer like you can get. It's hard enough sometimes to keep up with the back-and-forth with reviewers. Your suggestions are good, and I appreciate the support.
Have a good week!
Bev
Comment from c_lucas
I trust Maine is still on the drawing board? Your post is very well written with a wee bit of mystery. I did not noticed any errors. This post has very good imagery.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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I trust Maine is still on the drawing board? Your post is very well written with a wee bit of mystery. I did not noticed any errors. This post has very good imagery.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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Yes, my team is waiting in the wings. Thanks for reading this post and for your gracious encouragement, Charlie. :) Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from w.j.debi
The mystery and the tension keep building. You hint at so much that hides just out of reach of really knowing what is going on. A great way to tease the reader. You have a great first person narrative voice. Your descriptions bring the story to life and add color to the story. I especially liked the following:
My thoughts circled like ants around a picnic lunch, and I felt myself begin to detach from my body--similar to what I experienced on Xanax.
was met by a strange kid with a lazy eye and skin appearing inadequate to the task of covering his facial bones.
I looked at your portfolio yesterday hoping to see this chapter. I am happy you got it posted. I look forward to the next one.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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The mystery and the tension keep building. You hint at so much that hides just out of reach of really knowing what is going on. A great way to tease the reader. You have a great first person narrative voice. Your descriptions bring the story to life and add color to the story. I especially liked the following:
My thoughts circled like ants around a picnic lunch, and I felt myself begin to detach from my body--similar to what I experienced on Xanax.
was met by a strange kid with a lazy eye and skin appearing inadequate to the task of covering his facial bones.
I looked at your portfolio yesterday hoping to see this chapter. I am happy you got it posted. I look forward to the next one.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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Thanks for highlighting those sections, Debi. I'm so pleased that you enjoyed this post. I was a little unsure if the readers would take issue with the fact that we have still not met the shaman, but I needed to establish some dynamics that will become more clear in the next several posts.
I really appreciate both your encouragement and generosity, my friend.
:) Bev
Comment from barkingdog
I swear your writing is so good that it need little if any changes. It's publishable ready.
I can always read more and am never bored or second guessing what you write.
It looks like he's headed for more than he's prepared for.
The boy, Carlos and his attitude, adds to the drama while the strange woman in the truck intrigues me.
- gave Puente [had] plenty of opportunities to pass.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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I swear your writing is so good that it need little if any changes. It's publishable ready.
I can always read more and am never bored or second guessing what you write.
It looks like he's headed for more than he's prepared for.
The boy, Carlos and his attitude, adds to the drama while the strange woman in the truck intrigues me.
- gave Puente [had] plenty of opportunities to pass.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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Hi, Ellen. I'm so pleased that you enjoyed reading this post. I promise that the shaman is next up! I think I've built up the drama enough, but there are some dynamics at play here that will become more clear in the next few posts. Thanks, too, for catching the oversight.
A six from a writer of your caliber is always an extra nice surprise, and your loyalty means so much to me.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Bev
_ Something tells me that there will be more things to be suspicious about.
_ I'm betting about now that Stefano wished he had not overindulged.
_ Nice building up of the story and suspense.
_ Great descriptions as well.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*;*)
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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Hi, Bev
_ Something tells me that there will be more things to be suspicious about.
_ I'm betting about now that Stefano wished he had not overindulged.
_ Nice building up of the story and suspense.
_ Great descriptions as well.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*;*)
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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Thanks so much, Jax. Yes, I think Stefano is regretting his getting drunk!
:) Bev
Comment from snooker155
excellent no need to put the warning for bad language there was none. This was gripping and electric and so utterly riveting it could easily be turned into a film and I believe would be a real hit at the box office. epic write thank you from snooker155x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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excellent no need to put the warning for bad language there was none. This was gripping and electric and so utterly riveting it could easily be turned into a film and I believe would be a real hit at the box office. epic write thank you from snooker155x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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Hi, snooker. Thanks so much for this grand review. So glad you enjoyed this part of my story. I appreciate the support and encouragement.
:) Bev
Comment from seaglass
Your delivery and style of writing is both interesting and entertaining. I like how the story moves in real time, I do the same with my writing. You convey the anxiety of the character very well. I saw only one error.
"Furthermore, you look like you should [be] attending class (left out a word)
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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Your delivery and style of writing is both interesting and entertaining. I like how the story moves in real time, I do the same with my writing. You convey the anxiety of the character very well. I saw only one error.
"Furthermore, you look like you should [be] attending class (left out a word)
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, seaglass, for this very generous and encouraging review. I'm especially grateful for you catching that dumb error! This story is a bit of a change for me, so I really appreciate your valuable input.
Take care,
Bev
