My name is Sylvia and I'm a...
Just consider it28 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Lance
_ This is a good prompt entry.
_ Age old occupation that won't ever go away.
_ The more it is made illegal--it serves no purpose, because folks are gonna do it everywhere and anywhere, anyway.
_ You'd think history would show the powers that be they are fighting a losing battle.
_ Not likely peeps are going to give up on the -S- word. (*<*)
_ Good luck in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Hi, Lance
_ This is a good prompt entry.
_ Age old occupation that won't ever go away.
_ The more it is made illegal--it serves no purpose, because folks are gonna do it everywhere and anywhere, anyway.
_ You'd think history would show the powers that be they are fighting a losing battle.
_ Not likely peeps are going to give up on the -S- word. (*<*)
_ Good luck in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you very much, Jax
Comment from Jay Squires
The content is good. It's not just a sex piece; there is a message that probably needs to be considered openly.
I'm curious how you kept this out of the "mature" category. It is good though, my friend. It is more than just a story.
stop a run-away car or give a dead, gay guy a hard-on. [probably better to remove the comma after "dead".]
then it's time to seek counselling. [... time to seek COUNSELING. ]
I grab hold of his clenching buttocks [Paragraph spacing]
"I need your help, John?" I ask, [Really? This is to be a question? It begs the response, "You do?"]
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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The content is good. It's not just a sex piece; there is a message that probably needs to be considered openly.
I'm curious how you kept this out of the "mature" category. It is good though, my friend. It is more than just a story.
stop a run-away car or give a dead, gay guy a hard-on. [probably better to remove the comma after "dead".]
then it's time to seek counselling. [... time to seek COUNSELING. ]
I grab hold of his clenching buttocks [Paragraph spacing]
"I need your help, John?" I ask, [Really? This is to be a question? It begs the response, "You do?"]
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Good eye, Jay. Thank you, I will get right on those.
Comment from Halfree
Very well written. Most of the stories I read (adult stories for lack of a better word) have the l sexual scenes and very little else. I was just going to scan this and move on but instead I read it slowly. This story unfolds very nicely and does have something more than an encounter for sex. Will be most interested in the next posting
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Very well written. Most of the stories I read (adult stories for lack of a better word) have the l sexual scenes and very little else. I was just going to scan this and move on but instead I read it slowly. This story unfolds very nicely and does have something more than an encounter for sex. Will be most interested in the next posting
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you very much
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
One thing about you is that you know how to write these sex scenes! Daaamn! I loved his argument about why he was supporting her. He was so right in what he was saying. Loved it
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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One thing about you is that you know how to write these sex scenes! Daaamn! I loved his argument about why he was supporting her. He was so right in what he was saying. Loved it
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you very much
Comment from mvbrooks
The story is mostly believable. The comments from the Victoria's Secret saleswoman are stretching credibility. The main character is rather flat and could use more personalty details.
Editing notes:
"Sitting alone in the dark has always been my normal way to past time."
--change "past time" to "pass time"
" It was a gift from the agency; or an investment if we're being honest ."
--change the semicolon to a comma. Semicolons indicate that there is a full sentence on each side of it--in this case, the second part is not a full sentence.
--add a comma after "investment," to complete the non-essential clause "or an investment,")
"He is always on time, just like that damn clock. This one is a picture of perfect precision, a fine upstanding pillar of the community, a lawmaker, and a complete hypocrite"
--watch use of pronouns like "one" as they need to refer back to the nearest noun. In this case, "one" will refer back to "clock" not to "him." The description of "perfect precision" seems a likely description of the clock--so one has to re-read the sentence to make complete sense. Better to change "This one" to "He"
" ten year old"
--need to add hyphens as this is a compound adjective: ten-year-old
" dead, gay, guy a hard-on..."
--omit the comma after "gay"
" It's what's underneath that count."
--need to make "count" plural--counts.
"Honey, let's be honest; when it comes right down to it. It is not the wrappings."
--Need to connect these two as the first one is not a full sentence.
"At first I thought it was because..."
--need a comma after "At first,"
"Others can now live freely as they are now."
--the repetition of "now" in this sentence is unclear and non-specific.
" publicly accepted life choices"
--need to hyphenate "life-choices"
"Like an academy award winning actress I slip into character as I open it."
--need a comma after "actress,"
"I look at the good looking, middle-aged man standing before me and I see even more desire behind his baby blues."
--"I look at the good looking" the repetition of "look" is off-putting. Consider I glance at the good-looking.
--good-looking is a compound adjective and needs a hyphen
" "One of these days you're going to give me a heart attack, opening the door dressed like that."
--add a comma after "days,"
--omit the comma after "attack"
"John is a sweet man, with a kind heart..."
--omit the comma after "man"
" It is a rare thing, to have a client you really enjoy."
--omit the comma after 'thing'
The rule is if the introductory phrase comes before the full sentence, separate them with a comma. However, when the full sentence precedes the phrase, no comma is used to separate them.
(I stopped editing at this point as it's clear the story needs to be edited for comma placement to make it read-able without having to pause and consider what is being expressed.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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The story is mostly believable. The comments from the Victoria's Secret saleswoman are stretching credibility. The main character is rather flat and could use more personalty details.
Editing notes:
"Sitting alone in the dark has always been my normal way to past time."
--change "past time" to "pass time"
" It was a gift from the agency; or an investment if we're being honest ."
--change the semicolon to a comma. Semicolons indicate that there is a full sentence on each side of it--in this case, the second part is not a full sentence.
--add a comma after "investment," to complete the non-essential clause "or an investment,")
"He is always on time, just like that damn clock. This one is a picture of perfect precision, a fine upstanding pillar of the community, a lawmaker, and a complete hypocrite"
--watch use of pronouns like "one" as they need to refer back to the nearest noun. In this case, "one" will refer back to "clock" not to "him." The description of "perfect precision" seems a likely description of the clock--so one has to re-read the sentence to make complete sense. Better to change "This one" to "He"
" ten year old"
--need to add hyphens as this is a compound adjective: ten-year-old
" dead, gay, guy a hard-on..."
--omit the comma after "gay"
" It's what's underneath that count."
--need to make "count" plural--counts.
"Honey, let's be honest; when it comes right down to it. It is not the wrappings."
--Need to connect these two as the first one is not a full sentence.
"At first I thought it was because..."
--need a comma after "At first,"
"Others can now live freely as they are now."
--the repetition of "now" in this sentence is unclear and non-specific.
" publicly accepted life choices"
--need to hyphenate "life-choices"
"Like an academy award winning actress I slip into character as I open it."
--need a comma after "actress,"
"I look at the good looking, middle-aged man standing before me and I see even more desire behind his baby blues."
--"I look at the good looking" the repetition of "look" is off-putting. Consider I glance at the good-looking.
--good-looking is a compound adjective and needs a hyphen
" "One of these days you're going to give me a heart attack, opening the door dressed like that."
--add a comma after "days,"
--omit the comma after "attack"
"John is a sweet man, with a kind heart..."
--omit the comma after "man"
" It is a rare thing, to have a client you really enjoy."
--omit the comma after 'thing'
The rule is if the introductory phrase comes before the full sentence, separate them with a comma. However, when the full sentence precedes the phrase, no comma is used to separate them.
(I stopped editing at this point as it's clear the story needs to be edited for comma placement to make it read-able without having to pause and consider what is being expressed.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you very much. This is a wonderful review!
Comment from gamay
Hello Lancelot,
This very nice and wonderful story you written.
It fits in the contest.
Good luck to you and best wishes.
Have a nice day.
gamay
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Hello Lancelot,
This very nice and wonderful story you written.
It fits in the contest.
Good luck to you and best wishes.
Have a nice day.
gamay
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you very much
Comment from Aiona
Amazingly written. Speaking of misplaced commas, though: "dead, gay, guy" should be "dead, gay guy." Two more typos: "I never take my eyes from her's when I'm massaging her entire boody." should be "I never take my eyes from HERS when I'm massaging her entire BODY." Or maybe you meant "booty," I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure there is no such word as "boody." :)
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Amazingly written. Speaking of misplaced commas, though: "dead, gay, guy" should be "dead, gay guy." Two more typos: "I never take my eyes from her's when I'm massaging her entire boody." should be "I never take my eyes from HERS when I'm massaging her entire BODY." Or maybe you meant "booty," I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure there is no such word as "boody." :)
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you very much. LOL, yeah, I should have wrote: body.
Comment from a.w.brooks
Lance loved the story hot...hot...hot lol I can't say anything that is wrong because thee isn't. I enjoyed the read like always with your work. Hope you have a great one happy writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Lance loved the story hot...hot...hot lol I can't say anything that is wrong because thee isn't. I enjoyed the read like always with your work. Hope you have a great one happy writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you very much
