Shifting Shadows. Poems of Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 10031 "When snow was on the ground"A collection of dark poetry
7 total reviews
Comment from Linda Engel
great fox in the hen house. I love a story in a poem. That's what happens when you can't keep your pecker in your pants. Good imagery for cheating and whoring
on a cold winter's night. Can't blame the men folk when the tramp gives the signal.
This was so cool Red. great story telling.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
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great fox in the hen house. I love a story in a poem. That's what happens when you can't keep your pecker in your pants. Good imagery for cheating and whoring
on a cold winter's night. Can't blame the men folk when the tramp gives the signal.
This was so cool Red. great story telling.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
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I needed somehow to make it plainer, one character was doing the telling all the way, but maybe my Erskine Caldwell
atmosphere came through. Thanks a bunch for reading and reviewing, Linda.
Comment from OLA THOMAS
The truth is that I got my mind worked up trying to figure out all the characters in this poem. Surely a nicely done poem, especially of a young lover on an unfriendly weather. That is much of it I got until the twist in second to the last stanza.
ola thomas
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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The truth is that I got my mind worked up trying to figure out all the characters in this poem. Surely a nicely done poem, especially of a young lover on an unfriendly weather. That is much of it I got until the twist in second to the last stanza.
ola thomas
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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The girl's married lover tells the story. The young man who loves her freezes to death on the road and stills keeps his last date with her, which she does not survive. Ghost story, sort of. Thank you very much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Well, that was definitely a love which grew bitterly cold, wasn't it, Red? I mean, I've heard of women who were a bit frigid, but Nicki was the ice-ing on the cake. Not even a blustering blizzard could keep this unnamed young man from paying Nicki an visit.
In that weather, I'll bet'cha she was really surprised.
Good work, Red.
Thank you for contributing to the book...
~Dean
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Well, that was definitely a love which grew bitterly cold, wasn't it, Red? I mean, I've heard of women who were a bit frigid, but Nicki was the ice-ing on the cake. Not even a blustering blizzard could keep this unnamed young man from paying Nicki an visit.
In that weather, I'll bet'cha she was really surprised.
Good work, Red.
Thank you for contributing to the book...
~Dean
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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I was plagued with indigestion and interruptions, and hoped to do better. It was truly my pleasure to contribute. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
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I thought it was excellent, Red. Very well done, sir.
You're more than welcome.
Comment from MacMhuirich
An interesting, and well crafted write, the imagery of your words draws the reader in and on through your tale. Ah love on ice - how devastating. Thank you for sharing your tale.
Bless you
John
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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An interesting, and well crafted write, the imagery of your words draws the reader in and on through your tale. Ah love on ice - how devastating. Thank you for sharing your tale.
Bless you
John
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing, John.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Interesting, and well written poem, depicting the scene readers are drawn into with this tale. Seems the boy was attracted to this woman, at all costs. Uses terms such as "hogwild redneck whore" to better illustrate her character.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Interesting, and well written poem, depicting the scene readers are drawn into with this tale. Seems the boy was attracted to this woman, at all costs. Uses terms such as "hogwild redneck whore" to better illustrate her character.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Jay Squires
Ha! Not just a twist and a twisted end, but you tossed in a joke for good measure!
The boy so smitten that he would ignore [Isn't the meter better without the "that"?]
Great job, again, for one who's abandoning poetry for prose.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2015
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Ha! Not just a twist and a twisted end, but you tossed in a joke for good measure!
The boy so smitten that he would ignore [Isn't the meter better without the "that"?]
Great job, again, for one who's abandoning poetry for prose.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2015
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Lemme see about that meter...when I joined FS, I had no intention of writing poetry. Reviewing got me to studying the poesy thing. Writing sure is cheaper than handloading. Thanks again for reading and reviewing.
Comment from mvbrooks
Unusual story told well through playful, consistent rhyme and the suspense of the struggle between young love and the harsh weather elements.
The shift in narration is a bit confusing.
-- Stanza one is told by "I" and seems to be the young man
--Stanza two shifts to third person limited apparently watching the young man
--Stanza three is told in third person omniscient (knows Nicki's background)
--Stanza five has a new narrator in "I" that appears to be a husband -- but obviously not the widow's husband, so a new character without fully telling us who he is. In the next stanza, we guess he is Nicki's father.
The end is a bit unclear:
"All bundled up, I lumbered through the night,
and crawled in her window-shit, what a sight!
Had snow on his buns and snow on his head
was froze harder'n rock, and twicet as dead.
I saw the blood spatters on walls, and floor
the icy footprints coming through the door
I stood there a-shaking, not chilled but shocked
my sweet little Nicki had been cold cocked."
If Nicki was cold-cocked--who killed the boy?
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2015
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Unusual story told well through playful, consistent rhyme and the suspense of the struggle between young love and the harsh weather elements.
The shift in narration is a bit confusing.
-- Stanza one is told by "I" and seems to be the young man
--Stanza two shifts to third person limited apparently watching the young man
--Stanza three is told in third person omniscient (knows Nicki's background)
--Stanza five has a new narrator in "I" that appears to be a husband -- but obviously not the widow's husband, so a new character without fully telling us who he is. In the next stanza, we guess he is Nicki's father.
The end is a bit unclear:
"All bundled up, I lumbered through the night,
and crawled in her window-shit, what a sight!
Had snow on his buns and snow on his head
was froze harder'n rock, and twicet as dead.
I saw the blood spatters on walls, and floor
the icy footprints coming through the door
I stood there a-shaking, not chilled but shocked
my sweet little Nicki had been cold cocked."
If Nicki was cold-cocked--who killed the boy?
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2015
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He froze to death on the road but kept his date with Nicki anyway, which was a bit rough on her. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
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I lost part of my reply. There was no shift in narration, the cheating girl's married neighbor/lover speaks throughout.
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How can the boy be waking up in bed as one stanza begins with "I" -- thereby shifting the narration. Also, as the boy is dead, how can he discover his own dead body?
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The narrator, the one who helped the widow, woke up in bed later. He also found the bodies. He tells the whole story. He only saw the young man pass, but he was Nicki's lover, and knew her.
