The Conjurer, Part Two
Fata Morgana39 total reviews
Comment from robina1978
Excellent photo that complements your chapter perfectly. Thanks ever so much for the clear introduction as I missed the first chapter. You have a nice balance between narrative and dialogue. I liked the bit most where the father got told of for chopping trees down.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Excellent photo that complements your chapter perfectly. Thanks ever so much for the clear introduction as I missed the first chapter. You have a nice balance between narrative and dialogue. I liked the bit most where the father got told of for chopping trees down.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Hi, Ine. So nice to hear from you. Can you believe I actually knew a man who did that because he didn't like the mess the trees made in his yard!? I think he had serious case of OCD.
Thanks for the kind and generous review!
:) Bev
Comment from Dean Kuch
Wow, Bev--what a chapter! I'm glad I got in on the ground floor of this tense, tightly-woven tale this time.
What has Doctor Stefano Morales gotten himself into is an understatement.
Your descriptive narrative and dialogue is strong here as usual, without being overdone. That always helps a story's pacing, and this chapter is certainly no exception. I've noted a few that really stood out for me:
"Instead, we faced each like two gladiators in an arena."--Excellent simile
"Pinpoints of light shone from their center, and the whites of his eyes gleamed. Something in me gave way at that moment. I felt all my tension let loose followed by an exquisite sense of well-being."-----Frightening, foreboding narrative here, Bev. Superb!
We're left with a feeling of gloom and impending doom when Senor Pasquale, the old conjurer, leaves the scene. At least I was (it might just be the way my mind works, LOL?).
Your characters are always so well fleshed-out, so well portrayed. Senor Pasquale gives even ME the willies, and that's sayin' a lot!
I'm sorry I have no sixes left to award this exceptionally well written story. In my humble opinion it deserves nothing less.
Excellent, Bev!
~Dean
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Wow, Bev--what a chapter! I'm glad I got in on the ground floor of this tense, tightly-woven tale this time.
What has Doctor Stefano Morales gotten himself into is an understatement.
Your descriptive narrative and dialogue is strong here as usual, without being overdone. That always helps a story's pacing, and this chapter is certainly no exception. I've noted a few that really stood out for me:
"Instead, we faced each like two gladiators in an arena."--Excellent simile
"Pinpoints of light shone from their center, and the whites of his eyes gleamed. Something in me gave way at that moment. I felt all my tension let loose followed by an exquisite sense of well-being."-----Frightening, foreboding narrative here, Bev. Superb!
We're left with a feeling of gloom and impending doom when Senor Pasquale, the old conjurer, leaves the scene. At least I was (it might just be the way my mind works, LOL?).
Your characters are always so well fleshed-out, so well portrayed. Senor Pasquale gives even ME the willies, and that's sayin' a lot!
I'm sorry I have no sixes left to award this exceptionally well written story. In my humble opinion it deserves nothing less.
Excellent, Bev!
~Dean
Comment Written 01-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Hi, Dean. Wow, thanks so very much for this really awesome review. To give a horror writer of your caliber the willies absolutely makes my day. Doctor Morales has never seen the likes of this shaman!
I so appreciate your kind words of encouragement and wish for a six. I'm honored.
:0) Bev
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Sorry I couldn't do more, Bev. It's superbly written, and I mean that.
You're more than welcome.
~Dean :}
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:)))
Comment from Jay Squires
Bev, this is some of your very best writing, in my opinion. The mix of Spanish and English language lends it an aura of authenticity, but it's more: it's the delicate way you sketch your characters' appearance and movements. It's all really stunning.
Manuela Gutierrez, our long-time family cook, called back, "Stefano, we're in the here." ["...we're in here"?]
Afterward, the two of us sat on the patio. [I'm not too sure of "on" the patio. Wouldn't it be "in"? I suppose both will work.]
Something cold skittering across my knuckles brought me back to the square. [Superb transition out of the flashback and into present action. I loved it!]
Lifting the edge of the bandana around my neck, [Perhaps, "Lifting the edge of the bandana UP FROM around my neck." Otherwise it could be construed the whole bandana had been lower than his neck. You might want to play around with it. My suggestion doesn't sound quite right either.]
I felt as though a string, running the length of my body's core, was being drawn taut. [GREAT image!]
Just an astounding job, Bev. I truly wish I had a six to give you.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Bev, this is some of your very best writing, in my opinion. The mix of Spanish and English language lends it an aura of authenticity, but it's more: it's the delicate way you sketch your characters' appearance and movements. It's all really stunning.
Manuela Gutierrez, our long-time family cook, called back, "Stefano, we're in the here." ["...we're in here"?]
Afterward, the two of us sat on the patio. [I'm not too sure of "on" the patio. Wouldn't it be "in"? I suppose both will work.]
Something cold skittering across my knuckles brought me back to the square. [Superb transition out of the flashback and into present action. I loved it!]
Lifting the edge of the bandana around my neck, [Perhaps, "Lifting the edge of the bandana UP FROM around my neck." Otherwise it could be construed the whole bandana had been lower than his neck. You might want to play around with it. My suggestion doesn't sound quite right either.]
I felt as though a string, running the length of my body's core, was being drawn taut. [GREAT image!]
Just an astounding job, Bev. I truly wish I had a six to give you.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Hi, Jay. I really appreciate your very kind and generous review, especially from such a gifted writer as yourself.
Your suggestions all look good to me, and I thank you for the help. Unfortunately, I've reached my limit on reviewer nominations as you certainly deserve one.
Your wish for a six is icing on the cake!
:) Bev
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Bev
_ Intense chapter with his father at first, followed by the Senor.
_ Well written as always.
_ Intriguing end to hook us into what will happen, good, bad, or indifferent. (*<*)
_ Enjoyed this a lot, my friend.
_ Oh---keep meaning to ask you.
_ Are you going to continue the story about the gal owning the beauty shop?
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Hi, Bev
_ Intense chapter with his father at first, followed by the Senor.
_ Well written as always.
_ Intriguing end to hook us into what will happen, good, bad, or indifferent. (*<*)
_ Enjoyed this a lot, my friend.
_ Oh---keep meaning to ask you.
_ Are you going to continue the story about the gal owning the beauty shop?
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 01-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Thank you much, Jax. I appreciate your insights and encouragement.
I'm not sure about how'll I'll proceed with the rest of that story. I have an interesting angle and just need to figure out how to proceed. Thanks for asking, you're not the only one who has.
:) Bev
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- Remember---don't overthink it.
- There is always another story to use an idea that my may have not come up with right way in the present story. (*<*)
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I agree it will find its way to the proper home.
:) Bev
Comment from royowen
Very well written Bev, I felt that definite sense of shiver when Señor pas quake was having his conversation with Morales, earlier he had dismissed himself from his father's house by being engaged in a very in ucomfortable conversation with his father,.the narrative smooth and imaginative, and the stories smooth, well done. Blessings .Roy.
he had touched by the wind, and head words spoken as Paquale knew, well done, Bev great episode, well done, blessings, Roy,
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Very well written Bev, I felt that definite sense of shiver when Señor pas quake was having his conversation with Morales, earlier he had dismissed himself from his father's house by being engaged in a very in ucomfortable conversation with his father,.the narrative smooth and imaginative, and the stories smooth, well done. Blessings .Roy.
he had touched by the wind, and head words spoken as Paquale knew, well done, Bev great episode, well done, blessings, Roy,
Comment Written 01-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Hi, Roy. I sure appreciate your reviewing and the way you are always one of the first to do so. Your words of support and encouragement mean a lot to me. Thanks a bunch!
:) Bev
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Most welcome
Comment from barkingdog
Indeed, what has he gotten himself into.
I did sense the similarity of Senor Pasquale to Stephano's father before Stephano mentioned it. I felt so clever. lol A reader appreciates that.
Your vocabulary is strong and descriptive without being wordy:
**Squashing the urge to react like a five-year-old caught with a book of matches, I strode to where Manuela waited ...
**Instead, we faced each like two gladiators in an arena.
**Pinpoints of light shone from their center, and the whites of his eyes gleamed. Something in me gave way at that moment. I felt all my tension let loose followed by an exquisite sense of well-being. An infant peering into the face of its mother for the first time could not feel more ecstasy than I did at that moment.
You leave us with a feeling of possible danger or doom when the shaman drives away.
Drawn to Pasquale, Stephano must follow.
Fantastic. Mysterious. Multi-dimentional characters. (Stephano shows true emotion in all scenes. With his father he went from apologetic for being late to shocked disbelief and hatred for his father's cutting down the mother's fruit trees.)
Suggestions:
-I was a twenty-two-year(-) old
- I considered it another one of his pretentions, but [I was] desperate to calm my nerves(,) [so] I drank the vile beverage.
-amusement(,) and he croaked a laugh which his companions echoed.
I wish that I had a six left. You so deserve it.
Will you be posting once a week? I'll save one for you next week. Wed or Thursday?
:) ellen xxx
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Indeed, what has he gotten himself into.
I did sense the similarity of Senor Pasquale to Stephano's father before Stephano mentioned it. I felt so clever. lol A reader appreciates that.
Your vocabulary is strong and descriptive without being wordy:
**Squashing the urge to react like a five-year-old caught with a book of matches, I strode to where Manuela waited ...
**Instead, we faced each like two gladiators in an arena.
**Pinpoints of light shone from their center, and the whites of his eyes gleamed. Something in me gave way at that moment. I felt all my tension let loose followed by an exquisite sense of well-being. An infant peering into the face of its mother for the first time could not feel more ecstasy than I did at that moment.
You leave us with a feeling of possible danger or doom when the shaman drives away.
Drawn to Pasquale, Stephano must follow.
Fantastic. Mysterious. Multi-dimentional characters. (Stephano shows true emotion in all scenes. With his father he went from apologetic for being late to shocked disbelief and hatred for his father's cutting down the mother's fruit trees.)
Suggestions:
-I was a twenty-two-year(-) old
- I considered it another one of his pretentions, but [I was] desperate to calm my nerves(,) [so] I drank the vile beverage.
-amusement(,) and he croaked a laugh which his companions echoed.
I wish that I had a six left. You so deserve it.
Will you be posting once a week? I'll save one for you next week. Wed or Thursday?
:) ellen xxx
Comment Written 01-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Hi, Ellen. Thank you so much for this very helpful reivew. I appreciate the generosity of your time/energy in giving me suggestions and great insights.
I have to laugh, because I kept trying to get Grammarly off my butt about the twenty-two-year-old. Usually they will suggest a correction but didn't. And I just wasn't seeing it. So now I have it from a very reliable source!
Your words and support mean as much as an extra star, but I do appreciate the offer. I'm shooting for mid-week next week if my schedule doesn't intervene.
:) Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
Damn Bev.
That was great!! I never left the story not for one second it was amazing I have not a word of helpful critique for this piece just gushing unabashed praise.
Rob
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Damn Bev.
That was great!! I never left the story not for one second it was amazing I have not a word of helpful critique for this piece just gushing unabashed praise.
Rob
Comment Written 01-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Hi, Rob. Wow, thanks so much for this very encouraging and generous review. Your words and insights make me feel just great, and I really appreciate the support!
:) Bev
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Oh Bev you deserved every word I hope Fan story sees this the way I do this work is definately book of the month worthy.
Rob
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Your kindness makes my heart glad, Rob. It means more than any accolades to me.
:)))
Comment from Joan E.
You opened this new chapter with a very effective "play/understudies/blacksmith" metaphors. The "misshapen tree" and the "twin ogres" certainly lent an air of foreboding. The "gladiators" simile in the flashback said everything about the father-son relationship. And his seeing a resemblance in the shaman to his father was fascinating. I relished your imagery, as in "tendrils of guilt" and "synchronous voices," plus the mystical conclusion--to be continued... I am only sorry to be without sixes--I owe you! Brava- Joan
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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You opened this new chapter with a very effective "play/understudies/blacksmith" metaphors. The "misshapen tree" and the "twin ogres" certainly lent an air of foreboding. The "gladiators" simile in the flashback said everything about the father-son relationship. And his seeing a resemblance in the shaman to his father was fascinating. I relished your imagery, as in "tendrils of guilt" and "synchronous voices," plus the mystical conclusion--to be continued... I am only sorry to be without sixes--I owe you! Brava- Joan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Hi, Joan. Thank you so much for this awesome review! I appreciate all the insights you've shared that let me know I'm on the right track LoL. Your wish for six is icing on the cake. Big hug, Bev
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Here's to lots of icing!! ; ) -Joan
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hehehehe
Comment from winespiller
A nice story, I really felt I was in that square with Stephano. You kept up the suspence all the way through.Nice sentence structure.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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A nice story, I really felt I was in that square with Stephano. You kept up the suspence all the way through.Nice sentence structure.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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Hi winespiller. Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate you taking time to read!
:) Bev
