A Journey...Darkness to Light
Contest entry35 total reviews
Comment from JayceeC
First let me say this hit me on the raw since a fourteen year old girl from our school died yesterday. But beyond stirring those emotions, there are parts here when I felt the emotion was constrained by your form. While I like your diction, parts of your rhyming couplets feel like they need to break free-- especially at the end where it no longer fits the constraints of depression. They work okay for the areas where the feelings are closing in and controlling life, but I think it would have been more effective to switch back to pure free verse once you find your Way. The voice of freedom should show no restraints.
Overall, I thought it was well constructed. I like the use of the different fonts to highlight the emotional journey that is being described here. The last one "and Now" feels a bit flat after the emotional and strong, vibrant language in the preceding sections, but none the less, it is still an effective technique. The journey of emotional turmoil is one that most will never encounter, but you've taken your reader through the darkness and back to the lighter feelings of peace than can follow grief when you have faith.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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First let me say this hit me on the raw since a fourteen year old girl from our school died yesterday. But beyond stirring those emotions, there are parts here when I felt the emotion was constrained by your form. While I like your diction, parts of your rhyming couplets feel like they need to break free-- especially at the end where it no longer fits the constraints of depression. They work okay for the areas where the feelings are closing in and controlling life, but I think it would have been more effective to switch back to pure free verse once you find your Way. The voice of freedom should show no restraints.
Overall, I thought it was well constructed. I like the use of the different fonts to highlight the emotional journey that is being described here. The last one "and Now" feels a bit flat after the emotional and strong, vibrant language in the preceding sections, but none the less, it is still an effective technique. The journey of emotional turmoil is one that most will never encounter, but you've taken your reader through the darkness and back to the lighter feelings of peace than can follow grief when you have faith.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you for reading
Comment from artemis53
I congratulate you. You have described all facets of grief with the final elevation of one's spirit from the depths. I raced through this piece trying to find the most pertinent quote but each line was filled and could not supersede the previous or the following. I would consider this piece to be a teaching tool regardless of whether one adheres to a faith or not.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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I congratulate you. You have described all facets of grief with the final elevation of one's spirit from the depths. I raced through this piece trying to find the most pertinent quote but each line was filled and could not supersede the previous or the following. I would consider this piece to be a teaching tool regardless of whether one adheres to a faith or not.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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You are very kind.Thank you for taking the time to read the poem and commenting. Your thoughts and input are greatly appreciated. Thanks for the 6th star too! Have a good day):
Comment from robyn corum
I cannot even begin to imagine the pain involved with losing a child and believe that all the lengths described above would only be a start on the road to trying to find a new life. This was a thought-provoking write, though I won't say I enjoyed...
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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I cannot even begin to imagine the pain involved with losing a child and believe that all the lengths described above would only be a start on the road to trying to find a new life. This was a thought-provoking write, though I won't say I enjoyed...
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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I did not enjoy writing it either. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you reading and commenting. have a great day):
Comment from robina1978
An excellent poem that started with losing a child, that is the worst that can happen to a parent. I think the rest follows from there. Despair, devastation, suicidal thoughts. Best wishes for the prompt. Good entry.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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An excellent poem that started with losing a child, that is the worst that can happen to a parent. I think the rest follows from there. Despair, devastation, suicidal thoughts. Best wishes for the prompt. Good entry.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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I appreciate your thoughts and input. Thank you for reading. Have a great day):
Comment from TomyKan
Your poem describes the various stages of grief, including trying to escape by self-medicating. The death of a child is truly devastating, but you seem to have survived through your faith. Poem has good rhythm. rhyme and flow. I wonder if you could have found simpler words, so that you would not have to include a dictionary in your notes. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Your poem describes the various stages of grief, including trying to escape by self-medicating. The death of a child is truly devastating, but you seem to have survived through your faith. Poem has good rhythm. rhyme and flow. I wonder if you could have found simpler words, so that you would not have to include a dictionary in your notes. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you for taking the time to read the poem and commenting. Your thoughts and input are greatly appreciated. Have a good day):
Comment from Ekim777
"In a twisting tunneled wet dark cave/Resigned to stay in this cold grave..." this is indicative of the poet's dilemma and it is a poem too! It reminded me of Eugene o' Neil's words; "Life was a tunnel into the night/But life is a long day's journey into the light." (Loosely quoted.) It is a poem of anguish but we never doubt its authenticity. Even though our poet is well orientated into truth and reality. I would like to hear the poem in French. -Ekim777
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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"In a twisting tunneled wet dark cave/Resigned to stay in this cold grave..." this is indicative of the poet's dilemma and it is a poem too! It reminded me of Eugene o' Neil's words; "Life was a tunnel into the night/But life is a long day's journey into the light." (Loosely quoted.) It is a poem of anguish but we never doubt its authenticity. Even though our poet is well orientated into truth and reality. I would like to hear the poem in French. -Ekim777
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you for your kind words. i appreciate you reading the poem and commenting. I appreciate the 6th star too!. have a great day):
Comment from dmt1967
This is a week versed poem, although it rambled too much for me. It is a thought process, so I know why it had to ramble hence the five and not a four. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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This is a week versed poem, although it rambled too much for me. It is a thought process, so I know why it had to ramble hence the five and not a four. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you for taking the time to read the poem and commenting. Your thoughts and input are greatly appreciated. Have a good day):
Comment from Aussie
I wish you good luck with your contest entry; the death of a child is devastating, more so that the child has not had the opportunity to live a full life. Still, there are solid reasons for these deaths, perhaps the child is needed more on the other side. Everyone handles death in a different way, anger, fear, denial, looking for an anaesthetic to dull the pain that the emotions fail to handle. "Faith is the evidence of things not yet seen." So says the Bible. Without faith there is nothing. Your poem touched me and I wish you a fruitful life in the time to come.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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I wish you good luck with your contest entry; the death of a child is devastating, more so that the child has not had the opportunity to live a full life. Still, there are solid reasons for these deaths, perhaps the child is needed more on the other side. Everyone handles death in a different way, anger, fear, denial, looking for an anaesthetic to dull the pain that the emotions fail to handle. "Faith is the evidence of things not yet seen." So says the Bible. Without faith there is nothing. Your poem touched me and I wish you a fruitful life in the time to come.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you for taking the time to read the poem and commenting. Your thoughts and input are greatly appreciated. Have a good day):
Comment from Nosha17
Our lives are full of trials and problems but we must face them and thereby strengthen ourselves. With faith in God we can overcome. Good luck in the contest. faye
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Our lives are full of trials and problems but we must face them and thereby strengthen ourselves. With faith in God we can overcome. Good luck in the contest. faye
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you for taking the time to read the poem and commenting. Your thoughts and input are greatly appreciated. Have a good night):
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
You should read my last post. This is a perfect poem to accompany it, my friend. Author notes and definitions should not be the same thing in my book. If you read my post, you'll see I understand the meaning of this poem. It isn't just a parking lot for words as so many are. Best wishes, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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You should read my last post. This is a perfect poem to accompany it, my friend. Author notes and definitions should not be the same thing in my book. If you read my post, you'll see I understand the meaning of this poem. It isn't just a parking lot for words as so many are. Best wishes, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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I read your post. I am sorry for what you are going through. i pray you recover. Thank you for taking the time to read the poem and commenting. Your thoughts and input are greatly appreciated. Have a good night): Thank you for the 6th star):
