SPIRIT BASKET
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Scene 1: Remember Attu in 1745"270 Years of an Alaska Family
13 total reviews
Comment from Nosha17
I liked the characters' names and the story about how the basket came to be. I like stories about Alaska. My two Alaskan malemutes passed away two years ago after living with me in complete harmony for 12 years, I loved and miss them very much. One thing, normally, ancestors means more than one ancestor, so it would read ancestors' basket. Most enjoyable, I must have missed this, so decided to read it before going on to part two. Faye
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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I liked the characters' names and the story about how the basket came to be. I like stories about Alaska. My two Alaskan malemutes passed away two years ago after living with me in complete harmony for 12 years, I loved and miss them very much. One thing, normally, ancestors means more than one ancestor, so it would read ancestors' basket. Most enjoyable, I must have missed this, so decided to read it before going on to part two. Faye
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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I'm impressed that you've given time to read the first scene as well and the second. I share your love of dogs and I agree in using the plural for ancestor's basket. Many thanks.
Comment from MissMerri
First, I just want to tell you how thrilled I am to have something from you to read. I have missed your words terribly. Second, may I say I think this script is really a wonderful idea, and wonderfully presented too.
I love this story. I suppose you want to correct the editing nits that appear, so here's a few:
***EXT. WALKWAYINTOUAMUSEUMOFTHENORTH, FAIRBANKS -DAY (don't you want some spaces between these words? Such as: WALKWAY INTO A MUSEUM OF THE NORTH ??)
***Yes mam, (this is spelled ma'am I believe.)
***. Very loud scrapping sound of (scraping sound?)
***Ruuwaq pounds a fist on the hull of a rowboat then begins to tugging at it. (delete 'to')
I hope I've been helpful. I do love this as a script. What a wonderful idea! It would make a great educational movie!
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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First, I just want to tell you how thrilled I am to have something from you to read. I have missed your words terribly. Second, may I say I think this script is really a wonderful idea, and wonderfully presented too.
I love this story. I suppose you want to correct the editing nits that appear, so here's a few:
***EXT. WALKWAYINTOUAMUSEUMOFTHENORTH, FAIRBANKS -DAY (don't you want some spaces between these words? Such as: WALKWAY INTO A MUSEUM OF THE NORTH ??)
***Yes mam, (this is spelled ma'am I believe.)
***. Very loud scrapping sound of (scraping sound?)
***Ruuwaq pounds a fist on the hull of a rowboat then begins to tugging at it. (delete 'to')
I hope I've been helpful. I do love this as a script. What a wonderful idea! It would make a great educational movie!
Comment Written 31-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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You are such a whiz at finding errors. I'll get busy and correct -- even on FS. I don't understand why spaces were missing in that line (mine is correct). I also wish the script format I use would transfer. It makes the reading easier with dialogue centered, etc. After taking a quick course from a real expert, it's fun to try. I seriously doubt Spirit Basket will make a usable screen production. Although I'd like it as a short TV series production. HA! Dream on! You reading it and listing blunders is an answered dream for me! Many thanks, MissM.
Comment from forestport12
Interesting read. Like how you take historical ideas and use their reality to empower the story. The sense of hardship, sense of how they struggle and hope for a better future. Words fit with the scenes. Stan
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Interesting read. Like how you take historical ideas and use their reality to empower the story. The sense of hardship, sense of how they struggle and hope for a better future. Words fit with the scenes. Stan
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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I sure do appreciate giving your time to read this. Actually, I did some editing for some really messy spots other pointed out. Just saved the changes. Great to hear from you, Stan. I read some of ours but never spend enough time to comment. I'll atttempt to devote more attention to that. I always enjoy your posts. Thanks so much for commenting on this. Marie
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Marie. Long long time, no see. So good to see your writing again. I hope you are staying with us for a while? This piece is very well written and I would give it a six star review if I had any left. I think you write superior dialogue within this script.
Ssuggestion (or question) "moves lid. He INHALES DEEPLY." (curious...why did you put this in caps?)
On another front. Did you know I finally got an agent and got my first book published? (not self-published....just published . It is listed on Barnes and Noble and Amazon as a five star read. Called "Fatal Beauty" It is the second in the series of detecetive novels like the one I am currently posting called "
Triple crossed." And I am honored that it is up for Book of The Month right now. If you have time would you mind checking out the latest chapter? Thanks again, and good to see you back. blessings, :) Bob
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Hi, Marie. Long long time, no see. So good to see your writing again. I hope you are staying with us for a while? This piece is very well written and I would give it a six star review if I had any left. I think you write superior dialogue within this script.
Ssuggestion (or question) "moves lid. He INHALES DEEPLY." (curious...why did you put this in caps?)
On another front. Did you know I finally got an agent and got my first book published? (not self-published....just published . It is listed on Barnes and Noble and Amazon as a five star read. Called "Fatal Beauty" It is the second in the series of detecetive novels like the one I am currently posting called "
Triple crossed." And I am honored that it is up for Book of The Month right now. If you have time would you mind checking out the latest chapter? Thanks again, and good to see you back. blessings, :) Bob
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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I appreciate your time to read this scene, Bob. I just posted a few changes -- sure didn't edit enough. I took a short course in screenwriting and attempt to follow the format. It's a far cry from good grammar and punctuation.
Congratulations on 'Fatal Beauty'. I'll be sure to get a copy. Also, I'm determined to get on Fanstory more regularly again. I absolutely love reading your posts.
Comment from irishauthorme
Think you made a good start here. most readers here have absolutely no clue about the native Eskimo peoples who inhabit Alaska, so an introduction might be in order, citing a background on the Eskimo people, their history and some illustrations of their way of life and just how hard it is to make a living in that far north.
I would have liked more detail on the white traders, height, dress, mannerisms, what they offered for trade, perhaps the terms of barter.
The Eskimos were scared at first, was that reaction from previous contact with whites?
Good ground work, perhaps some expansion?
irish
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Think you made a good start here. most readers here have absolutely no clue about the native Eskimo peoples who inhabit Alaska, so an introduction might be in order, citing a background on the Eskimo people, their history and some illustrations of their way of life and just how hard it is to make a living in that far north.
I would have liked more detail on the white traders, height, dress, mannerisms, what they offered for trade, perhaps the terms of barter.
The Eskimos were scared at first, was that reaction from previous contact with whites?
Good ground work, perhaps some expansion?
irish
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Thanks for your comments, Irish. I obviously need more editing. I'm sure you are right for more needed detaill. Thanks so much for reading this!
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Hey, hope I helped you, I am not an accomplished writer by any terms but know what I like to read. Look forward to your next!
cal
Comment from Sasha
I am not used to reviewing scripts so please bear with me. This is a fascinating story and I am enjoying it very much. I didn't have any trouble following the scrip so I felt you did a great job with this. I look forward to the next post.
Haven't heard from you for a long time, I do hope all is going well.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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I am not used to reviewing scripts so please bear with me. This is a fascinating story and I am enjoying it very much. I didn't have any trouble following the scrip so I felt you did a great job with this. I look forward to the next post.
Haven't heard from you for a long time, I do hope all is going well.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Sorry I've missed so many of your posts, Sasha. Awfully thoughtful of you to take time with this one. I'm kind of experimenting after taking a brief course in screenwriting. You have my promise to get more active in Fanstory. I look forward to reading lots of your posts.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I know absolutely nothing about screenwriting but i do like the storyline. Is Spirit Basket published? Have a blessed day. Shirley
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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I know absolutely nothing about screenwriting but i do like the storyline. Is Spirit Basket published? Have a blessed day. Shirley
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Thanks for reading this, Shirley. I'm kind of experimenting after taking a brief course in screenwriting. Yes, 'The Spirit Basket" is out in ppback and ebook. I'm sure it's a better read than the script will ever be. Ha! I do it for fun.
Comment from sbedian
I'm not sure where this piece is going. It seemed kind of stranded in the middle of nowhere. The writing style was different, and I didn't mind it at all, though it was lacking somewhat in grammar and punctuation. I felt that it was needing something to glue the story together more into something more cohesive.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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I'm not sure where this piece is going. It seemed kind of stranded in the middle of nowhere. The writing style was different, and I didn't mind it at all, though it was lacking somewhat in grammar and punctuation. I felt that it was needing something to glue the story together more into something more cohesive.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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I appreciate your comments. I agree that briefing up scene descriptions makes for grammar and punctuation flaws. It's my attempt to follow instructions from a screenwriting course. Thanks for taking time to read this.
Comment from Tessa Kay
I very much enjoyed reading this script. Was like watching TV and I didn't want it to end. Wasn't quite sure, did someone get shot? Probably not.
You paint a vivid picture that is easy to imagine.
The only thing that tripped me here and there, is where you change to past tense. Is there a reason for this? For example:
-Everyone in the village walked with the men ahead. Elders, young �?�¬mothers with children followed well behind. Near the beach they stayed well hidden and watched the sailboat approach the beach.
-He held out his spear for trade to a hairy faced man who began yelling angrily.
-A boom louder than thunder sent every villager fleeing for shelter.
Keep the stories coming. :) Tessa
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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I very much enjoyed reading this script. Was like watching TV and I didn't want it to end. Wasn't quite sure, did someone get shot? Probably not.
You paint a vivid picture that is easy to imagine.
The only thing that tripped me here and there, is where you change to past tense. Is there a reason for this? For example:
-Everyone in the village walked with the men ahead. Elders, young �?�¬mothers with children followed well behind. Near the beach they stayed well hidden and watched the sailboat approach the beach.
-He held out his spear for trade to a hairy faced man who began yelling angrily.
-A boom louder than thunder sent every villager fleeing for shelter.
Keep the stories coming. :) Tessa
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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You are a great help. Pointing our changes in tense sure shows need for more editing. Thanks so much for listing detail.
Comment from LeannaP
Man with the rifle waves back to the ship. Two other rowboats are lowered and more men paddle ashore. Very loud scrapping sound of boats on the pebbled beach amaze villagers who approach with caution. Grandma bravely steps forward with a basket of bird eggs and tools carved from walrus tusks.
I specifically selected this line because I really liked the way in which you wrote it. It flows with ease yet packs a powerful punch. I could really hear the waves. Great job.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Man with the rifle waves back to the ship. Two other rowboats are lowered and more men paddle ashore. Very loud scrapping sound of boats on the pebbled beach amaze villagers who approach with caution. Grandma bravely steps forward with a basket of bird eggs and tools carved from walrus tusks.
I specifically selected this line because I really liked the way in which you wrote it. It flows with ease yet packs a powerful punch. I could really hear the waves. Great job.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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I appreciate your comments, Leanna. Thanks for taking time to read my first attempt at a script.
