The Birthing Room
Short Story-Read Author's notes first20 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
Good character development, Mikey. You had me thinking he was going to shoot-up a MacDonalds, but I guess he's been thinking about it for two years. I wonder if in time something will make him actually do it.
BTW, I didn't even notice the language. I think it's a shame to have to apologize for one's writing when the warnings are clearly posted.
Excellent insight into this man's inner thoughts. What we see on the out side can be misleading. The observation that he is 'harmless' may be very naive.
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Good character development, Mikey. You had me thinking he was going to shoot-up a MacDonalds, but I guess he's been thinking about it for two years. I wonder if in time something will make him actually do it.
BTW, I didn't even notice the language. I think it's a shame to have to apologize for one's writing when the warnings are clearly posted.
Excellent insight into this man's inner thoughts. What we see on the out side can be misleading. The observation that he is 'harmless' may be very naive.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
Comment from justafan
Great entry into the contest Mikey. The title was perfect. His wrongful conviction gave birth to a possible serial killer or mass murderer. Well done you :)
I am a great fan of your work and happy to see you posting again :)
Always,
Missy
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Great entry into the contest Mikey. The title was perfect. His wrongful conviction gave birth to a possible serial killer or mass murderer. Well done you :)
I am a great fan of your work and happy to see you posting again :)
Always,
Missy
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
Comment from ellie6
A brilliantly described look into the thoughts of a man who has been a victim of injustice. Well characterised, I could picture him. An excellent read with a quirky ending.
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A brilliantly described look into the thoughts of a man who has been a victim of injustice. Well characterised, I could picture him. An excellent read with a quirky ending.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
Comment from tfawcus
You build a compelling picture of unresolved and all-embracing hatred with this. The internal monologue is believable and builds with chilling inevitability towards the conclusion. For my money, I'd cut the final two paragraphs and leave the words of Lionel Thurston Washington hanging in the air at the end. 'Yep. I think it'll make the 11 o'clock news.' Shifting the focus to bystanders at that point seemed to me to lower the tension. Just an opinion, for what it's worth. Assured writing with no spag errors noted. The capital letter for 'Sir' was a clever way of loading the McDonalds' kid's word with sarcasm.
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You build a compelling picture of unresolved and all-embracing hatred with this. The internal monologue is believable and builds with chilling inevitability towards the conclusion. For my money, I'd cut the final two paragraphs and leave the words of Lionel Thurston Washington hanging in the air at the end. 'Yep. I think it'll make the 11 o'clock news.' Shifting the focus to bystanders at that point seemed to me to lower the tension. Just an opinion, for what it's worth. Assured writing with no spag errors noted. The capital letter for 'Sir' was a clever way of loading the McDonalds' kid's word with sarcasm.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
Comment from Michaelk
It's always the quiet, seemingly unassuming ones you have to watch out for. You never know what's going on in their heads.
Well told, very engrossing story. It put me in the mind of John Grisham's 'A time to kill'. I loved how he interpreted facial expressions and made a judgment of the judge. That was a wonderful irony.
I would like to have seen him successfully sue the state, then turn around and do his dastardly deed. That would be a double whammy. After the state pays him for being innocent, then he shows he was guilty.
A great story. I don't see that the extra warning was needed. The language was rather tame to me.
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It's always the quiet, seemingly unassuming ones you have to watch out for. You never know what's going on in their heads.
Well told, very engrossing story. It put me in the mind of John Grisham's 'A time to kill'. I loved how he interpreted facial expressions and made a judgment of the judge. That was a wonderful irony.
I would like to have seen him successfully sue the state, then turn around and do his dastardly deed. That would be a double whammy. After the state pays him for being innocent, then he shows he was guilty.
A great story. I don't see that the extra warning was needed. The language was rather tame to me.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
Comment from seaglass
Very well written and it leaves the reader hanging. I can't think of anything worse than spending 12-20-30 years in prison for something you didn't do and it happens. This appears to be a different scenario. Good luck with the contest.
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Very well written and it leaves the reader hanging. I can't think of anything worse than spending 12-20-30 years in prison for something you didn't do and it happens. This appears to be a different scenario. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
Comment from nordicgirl
Wow. The twist at the end really gets the reader thinking. How many people see the beheadings and declare that we would like to reciprocate. But would we really be able to? I doubt many of us would. This is one of your best. Of course the language was integral to the character. This is sure to place if not win.
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Wow. The twist at the end really gets the reader thinking. How many people see the beheadings and declare that we would like to reciprocate. But would we really be able to? I doubt many of us would. This is one of your best. Of course the language was integral to the character. This is sure to place if not win.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very well done, Mikey. Bravo! I like the twist at the end. He only thinks about doing it but he never does... nice touch and gives it a happier ending, not that much about his story is happy.
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Very well done, Mikey. Bravo! I like the twist at the end. He only thinks about doing it but he never does... nice touch and gives it a happier ending, not that much about his story is happy.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
Comment from Eric1
Hi Micheal, this is a really excellent entry for this particular competition, A very real like creepy story that made me think about that idiot who walked into a cinema and opened up with a gun, I agree in this case that the language was necessary, and your story gives a great insight how so called justice can tip someone over the edge. I wish you the best of luck in the contest my friend.
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Hi Micheal, this is a really excellent entry for this particular competition, A very real like creepy story that made me think about that idiot who walked into a cinema and opened up with a gun, I agree in this case that the language was necessary, and your story gives a great insight how so called justice can tip someone over the edge. I wish you the best of luck in the contest my friend.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Mikey,
Really good well written piece here.
I think you got inside the head really well and the language used does add to the authenticity of the piece.
You incorporated the required "inspirational" photo so well it didn't feel forced and would have stood on its own without it - seamless.
I also appreciate the ambiguity of the final conversation, in regard to perceived subsequent actions.
Very good stuff and I wish you all the best for this competition.
G
PS congratulations on the second placing in the free verse poetry competition - that was a great piece too.
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Hi Mikey,
Really good well written piece here.
I think you got inside the head really well and the language used does add to the authenticity of the piece.
You incorporated the required "inspirational" photo so well it didn't feel forced and would have stood on its own without it - seamless.
I also appreciate the ambiguity of the final conversation, in regard to perceived subsequent actions.
Very good stuff and I wish you all the best for this competition.
G
PS congratulations on the second placing in the free verse poetry competition - that was a great piece too.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
