Glory Train
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Glory Train"Do you really have to earn your wings?
16 total reviews
Comment from Serendipity!
I went back to check out the beginning. This is very gripping. You have a good story going, but only you know for sure if you have enough plot stored in your head to make it into a novel. Of course I want to know more about Ryan and what made the father into the person he is, and much more about Ryan's future.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2015
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I went back to check out the beginning. This is very gripping. You have a good story going, but only you know for sure if you have enough plot stored in your head to make it into a novel. Of course I want to know more about Ryan and what made the father into the person he is, and much more about Ryan's future.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2015
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Chapter 4 now posted. Will start to address some of these questions. Glad you enjoyed this one.
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Good.
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Good.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I think this is well done. You do an excellent job of getting inside his head. The story easily held my interest.
Be careful of words - not needed.
And, all of a sudden he wanted to forget, but he could not. The memories were scorched into his mind where they would remain forever.
Was "all of a sudden need". Could this be:
He wanted to forget, but he could not. The memories were scorched into his mind where they would remain forever.
Great job.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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I think this is well done. You do an excellent job of getting inside his head. The story easily held my interest.
Be careful of words - not needed.
And, all of a sudden he wanted to forget, but he could not. The memories were scorched into his mind where they would remain forever.
Was "all of a sudden need". Could this be:
He wanted to forget, but he could not. The memories were scorched into his mind where they would remain forever.
Great job.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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Thank you for catching that. It does read better as you suggested. Feel free to question, edit, comment, and review this book as it goes along. Chapter 2 "The Pearly Gates," and Chapter 3 "Little Lost Lamb," are also posted.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an interesting read, breet, and I think you will do a good job writing this book. I am glad you were inspired. I didn't see any spelling errors. I was captivated through all of it.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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this is an interesting read, breet, and I think you will do a good job writing this book. I am glad you were inspired. I didn't see any spelling errors. I was captivated through all of it.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this Chapter.
Comment from Chrissy710
Brett this has the making of a good story and I liked the way you have begun this .a bit different but has great potential. my only concern is when Ryan ( only 10 years old) thought out loud Don't cry for me Argentina. I doubt any 10 year old would have a clue what that actually means ( have just researched the meaning of this Loyd Webber song and I even had trouble really understanding the whole meaning although I really love the song) so just be careful with throw away lines ( If you can enlighten me as to why you chose this for Ryan I will certainly listen) I say this because I think this has the makings of a good story. Cheers Christine
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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Brett this has the making of a good story and I liked the way you have begun this .a bit different but has great potential. my only concern is when Ryan ( only 10 years old) thought out loud Don't cry for me Argentina. I doubt any 10 year old would have a clue what that actually means ( have just researched the meaning of this Loyd Webber song and I even had trouble really understanding the whole meaning although I really love the song) so just be careful with throw away lines ( If you can enlighten me as to why you chose this for Ryan I will certainly listen) I say this because I think this has the makings of a good story. Cheers Christine
Comment Written 14-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support. Please feel free to question, edit, comment, or review anything I post, especially where this book is concerned. Also, Chapters Two and Three have been posted as well.
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Thank Brett I will edit if I feel the need to as I want your story to be a good one. I hope you don't mind I have been a nurse educator for many years and read students work all the time so if something I read doesn't make sense or written incorrectly I can't help myself to comment. Not that I am an expert but have picked up a bit over the years. So I am using my educators brain when I do this. So don't think I am being a Smart Alec when I give you feedback. Look forward to this story developing. Cheers Christine
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Hello, Brett - you've a good story line, which is a refreshing change. I've taken the liberty of doing
some editing - just ignore if not in agreement.
And, as his spirit left his earthbound form(,) maybe he should - add comma
Obviously(,) he had never - and here
shortened from "Because" thus -- (')Cause where he was going(,) he would have to give a complete explanation for all his earthly experiences. - plus comma
Ryan remembered the day was a beautiful Summer day - HERE- rather than "day" twice - how about: He remembered it being a beautiful summer day
Nearing the ripe old age of twenty(,) Dobie was still in good shape.
Like all animals(,) Dobie needed
Nor did Ryan, at first, smell the gasoline he poured around the outside of the barn. - the "he" suggests Ryan's doing the pouring - perhaps.
Nor did Ryan, at first, smell the gasoline BEING poured
Margaret
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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Hello, Brett - you've a good story line, which is a refreshing change. I've taken the liberty of doing
some editing - just ignore if not in agreement.
And, as his spirit left his earthbound form(,) maybe he should - add comma
Obviously(,) he had never - and here
shortened from "Because" thus -- (')Cause where he was going(,) he would have to give a complete explanation for all his earthly experiences. - plus comma
Ryan remembered the day was a beautiful Summer day - HERE- rather than "day" twice - how about: He remembered it being a beautiful summer day
Nearing the ripe old age of twenty(,) Dobie was still in good shape.
Like all animals(,) Dobie needed
Nor did Ryan, at first, smell the gasoline he poured around the outside of the barn. - the "he" suggests Ryan's doing the pouring - perhaps.
Nor did Ryan, at first, smell the gasoline BEING poured
Margaret
Comment Written 14-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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Thank you for all your edits. Appreciate them very much indeed. My apologies for taking a couple days to get back to you. I have received many questions, comments, and feedbacks about this story. However, I will respond to them all. Please feel free to follow my story and make your recommendations all you want to. Chapter Three "Little Lost Lamb" now also posted.
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Brett. Yes mate, there is more than enough for a book out of this topic with the imagination that I know you have. You write it my friend and I'll read it for sure. This is a great start, bring it on.....
One suggestion...
"With a sudden start Ryan bolted upright in his seat as it donned on him" (I think this should be "dawned on him" perhaps, but knowing me I could be wrong.)
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2015
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G'day Brett. Yes mate, there is more than enough for a book out of this topic with the imagination that I know you have. You write it my friend and I'll read it for sure. This is a great start, bring it on.....
One suggestion...
"With a sudden start Ryan bolted upright in his seat as it donned on him" (I think this should be "dawned on him" perhaps, but knowing me I could be wrong.)
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 14-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2015
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As always thanks for your support. Really do appreciate them very much. Glad you like this so far.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
I read the second first and this is absolutely wonderful. I am easily put off by books that seem to start out great and fudge out...as Mama used to say.
Nicely done and I am looking forward to more
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2015
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I read the second first and this is absolutely wonderful. I am easily put off by books that seem to start out great and fudge out...as Mama used to say.
Nicely done and I am looking forward to more
Comment Written 13-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support. Glad you liked this.
Comment from MelB
I like this idea for a book, Brett. With a background of abuse, a love of horses, and the faith side of this, I can relate. I'd love to know where the train takes the boy and if he makes it to his final destination.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2015
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I like this idea for a book, Brett. With a background of abuse, a love of horses, and the faith side of this, I can relate. I'd love to know where the train takes the boy and if he makes it to his final destination.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2015
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Stay tuned for much more. Glad you enjoyed this.
Comment from barkingdog
Would this be told from the ten year old's POV? I can't imagine him having any sins to confess to God. He's so young.
Now, his father is a story. He's the bad guy. What drove him to be who he is--a man who would kill his own son. He made the boy suffer. It wasn't even a swift death. I can almost hear the boy and the horse both crying.
That's what I see in what you've written if you intend to write more.
I can't help you with a religious approach. Sorry.
-for Dobie's daily upkeep(,) and it was that chore that had
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2015
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Would this be told from the ten year old's POV? I can't imagine him having any sins to confess to God. He's so young.
Now, his father is a story. He's the bad guy. What drove him to be who he is--a man who would kill his own son. He made the boy suffer. It wasn't even a swift death. I can almost hear the boy and the horse both crying.
That's what I see in what you've written if you intend to write more.
I can't help you with a religious approach. Sorry.
-for Dobie's daily upkeep(,) and it was that chore that had
Comment Written 12-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2015
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Chapter 2 now posted as well. Would appreciate feedback on that chapter as well.
Comment from Muffins
This beginning has the seeds to grow into a book. However, I wouldn't label it as a spiritual piece even though it is about life after death. The category might turn some reviewers away. The interest is there: murder, child abuse and the love of a horse. Maybe Ryan's assignment could center around these themes. Great start.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2015
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This beginning has the seeds to grow into a book. However, I wouldn't label it as a spiritual piece even though it is about life after death. The category might turn some reviewers away. The interest is there: murder, child abuse and the love of a horse. Maybe Ryan's assignment could center around these themes. Great start.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2015
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Thanks for the insights. Appreciate them. Chapter 2 now posted as well.
