The Celebration
A wife's birthday, and a couple's anniversary go awry.36 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
Hi, Ric.
It's cutting those couple hundred words that is the hardest. lol
Your story reads well, building the drama of an anniversary and birthday celebration.
You show how much John loves Sarah and then he learns of her betrayal. In an instant he disposed of her and terrifies her lover with her severed head.
He's driven so mad that he doesn't even care about letting Teddy see his face.
Very well done.
I enjoyed your full blown descriptions of the countryside, it's roads, horses and plush estates--not a place one would envision such a horrendous murder. A very good misdirection.
I forgot to send these suggestions:
-Sarah had taken a sick day from work to celebrate her thirty-eight(thirty-eighth) birthday
-The life of a car, he would often say.(Did you leave something out after 'The life of a car'? It seems incomplete.)
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Hi, Ric.
It's cutting those couple hundred words that is the hardest. lol
Your story reads well, building the drama of an anniversary and birthday celebration.
You show how much John loves Sarah and then he learns of her betrayal. In an instant he disposed of her and terrifies her lover with her severed head.
He's driven so mad that he doesn't even care about letting Teddy see his face.
Very well done.
I enjoyed your full blown descriptions of the countryside, it's roads, horses and plush estates--not a place one would envision such a horrendous murder. A very good misdirection.
I forgot to send these suggestions:
-Sarah had taken a sick day from work to celebrate her thirty-eight(thirty-eighth) birthday
-The life of a car, he would often say.(Did you leave something out after 'The life of a car'? It seems incomplete.)
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Yes, you are so right, it's those last couple-hundred words that make it hard to write flash. I know that I can eliminate a bunch of the fluff to get it done, but those extra words are what let's me slip up on the reader. LOL. I'm so glad you caught the exaggerated descriptions that I hoped would be deceptive. Damn, I read right through those mistakes. Something I hate to admit that I do often. Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your suggestions, comments, and wonderfully generous six-star review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Don. Wow! This is some good writing. I loved your "hook" opening paragraph.
"The sun rose into the sky from behind the eastern hills, spraying the green pastures with an essence of sparkling dust that glistened off the muscled-foals' rumps as they jumped and played, running up and down the fencerow."
Your other images are outstanding also....like this: "
Mesmerizing were the tree-lined roadways framed in perfectly manicured greenery from the year's over-abundance of summer rain. Whitewashed fences, barns built with intricate artisanship of million-dollar homes, and in one paddock after another roamed some of the world's finest thoroughbreds. Truly, God's country, otherwise, why would he have ever made it so magnificent?"
And of course...here: "His face frozen in distorted panic, all Teddy could see was a hand full of raven hair and his lover's twisted face, wide-open bulging eyes and drawn mouth of her decapitated head that dripped blood from her severed windpipe, veins, and arteries' dangling tendrils."
I didn't know you had this much energy in your writing, Ric. great job. Bob
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Hi, Don. Wow! This is some good writing. I loved your "hook" opening paragraph.
"The sun rose into the sky from behind the eastern hills, spraying the green pastures with an essence of sparkling dust that glistened off the muscled-foals' rumps as they jumped and played, running up and down the fencerow."
Your other images are outstanding also....like this: "
Mesmerizing were the tree-lined roadways framed in perfectly manicured greenery from the year's over-abundance of summer rain. Whitewashed fences, barns built with intricate artisanship of million-dollar homes, and in one paddock after another roamed some of the world's finest thoroughbreds. Truly, God's country, otherwise, why would he have ever made it so magnificent?"
And of course...here: "His face frozen in distorted panic, all Teddy could see was a hand full of raven hair and his lover's twisted face, wide-open bulging eyes and drawn mouth of her decapitated head that dripped blood from her severed windpipe, veins, and arteries' dangling tendrils."
I didn't know you had this much energy in your writing, Ric. great job. Bob
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Bob, my friend, all the credit for my improved writing goes to you and a few other outstanding writers who took the time during my ragged beginnings to point out my blunders and offer suggestions to help me get better. I thank you so much for taking time to read my posts and all the comments along the way. Yes, and of course, your kinds words and the wonderful six-star review. Thanks. :-)
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:) Bob
Comment from royowen
What a silly person Sarah is, Teddy her handsome lover has been caught out by her husband, John when coming home, he surprises her and When she's called away on the phone, he takes a peek at what she was interested in on the computer! He cuts her head off, and shows lover Teddy, who would be horror struck! Well done, I enjoyed it, short enough to keep me engaged but long enough to write a more fulsome plot, characterisation was good, an all round good write, enjoyable, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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What a silly person Sarah is, Teddy her handsome lover has been caught out by her husband, John when coming home, he surprises her and When she's called away on the phone, he takes a peek at what she was interested in on the computer! He cuts her head off, and shows lover Teddy, who would be horror struck! Well done, I enjoyed it, short enough to keep me engaged but long enough to write a more fulsome plot, characterisation was good, an all round good write, enjoyable, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much, Roy, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
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My pleasure
Comment from ellie6
A delightfully creepy horror story, The message is - never leave anything on your computer that you wouldn't want anyone to see! Well thought out and well told.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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A delightfully creepy horror story, The message is - never leave anything on your computer that you wouldn't want anyone to see! Well thought out and well told.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, hide your tracks. :-)
Comment from Lani2
This is the kind of stories that I like to read. It kept me wondering what was going to happen. I knew something bad was waiting to happen when I read that she was on the computer. I did not expect what happened. This is Alfred Hitchcock all over again. I have to give you six stars, because I loved your descriptions of everything in the story from the scenery to the killing. Good flash fiction. Lani2
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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This is the kind of stories that I like to read. It kept me wondering what was going to happen. I knew something bad was waiting to happen when I read that she was on the computer. I did not expect what happened. This is Alfred Hitchcock all over again. I have to give you six stars, because I loved your descriptions of everything in the story from the scenery to the killing. Good flash fiction. Lani2
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much, Lani2, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous six-star review are greatly appreciated. Your words have made my day! :-)
Comment from bhogg
An interesting story that caught and maintained my interest. Certainly a weird twist at the end. If you truly want to write a flash fiction piece, you have to work on eliminating showy narrative that doesn't really add to the guts of the story. You have a couple of places where the narrative is good and descriptive, but doesn't really add to the story line too much. Tough for me to economize words too. Bill
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reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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An interesting story that caught and maintained my interest. Certainly a weird twist at the end. If you truly want to write a flash fiction piece, you have to work on eliminating showy narrative that doesn't really add to the guts of the story. You have a couple of places where the narrative is good and descriptive, but doesn't really add to the story line too much. Tough for me to economize words too. Bill
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Yes, you are absolutely right, Bill. In order to write good flash I have to economize on the wording. The problem I have is liking stories that stir readers one way with fluff so that I can catch them off guard. Oh, well, it's gonna be a hard job for me. Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
