The Celebration
A wife's birthday, and a couple's anniversary go awry.36 total reviews
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Had me just a little lost but I recovered after a second read.
Nicely done with a planned time gone wrong.
Scary and quite a way to end the piece.
Now if you can remove words. I never am able to do it
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Had me just a little lost but I recovered after a second read.
Nicely done with a planned time gone wrong.
Scary and quite a way to end the piece.
Now if you can remove words. I never am able to do it
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015
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Thanks so much, Barb, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I gave up on cutting words. Someone even went so far as to rewrite it for me, cutting it back to about eight-hundred words, and what she wrote was great and I'm sure better than what I've written, but it just didn't sound the same or get all the things across in the way I wanted it to read. Oh, well, it is what it is. :-)
Comment from Tpa
Fantastic!! It held my interest from beginning to end. The story is well-paced. You did a fine job with the descriptions of both the land and the dining room. I especially enjoyed when you describe her expression (child's poop), You did a tremendous job, I would alter some of the land or when he goes to have his car wash. The suspense begins when they are together, (Author's notes for Fanasty publication) and I think should remain untouched.
EXCELLENT READ
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Fantastic!! It held my interest from beginning to end. The story is well-paced. You did a fine job with the descriptions of both the land and the dining room. I especially enjoyed when you describe her expression (child's poop), You did a tremendous job, I would alter some of the land or when he goes to have his car wash. The suspense begins when they are together, (Author's notes for Fanasty publication) and I think should remain untouched.
EXCELLENT READ
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, comments, and generous six-star review are greatly appreciated. You have made my night. :-)
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
The Celebration
by Ric Myworld
~John and Sara celebrated her thirty-eighth birthday. It was also their 15 year anniversary, they were a happy couple. John gets Sara a month-long cruise in the Mediterranean. John was surprised and hurt to find out Sara was unfaithful and John kiss her. Good job!
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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The Celebration
by Ric Myworld
~John and Sara celebrated her thirty-eighth birthday. It was also their 15 year anniversary, they were a happy couple. John gets Sara a month-long cruise in the Mediterranean. John was surprised and hurt to find out Sara was unfaithful and John kiss her. Good job!
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hi Ric,
Yeah, this could still be tightened, but all in all it was a very good flash.
I really love the ending! With just the right amount of description, we see his gruesome deed. And that last line is absolutely perfect.
Lou
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Hi Ric,
Yeah, this could still be tightened, but all in all it was a very good flash.
I really love the ending! With just the right amount of description, we see his gruesome deed. And that last line is absolutely perfect.
Lou
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much, Lou, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, I started out writing flash, but then as I added fluff that I felt might help me to sneak up and blind the readers, I got carried away. :-)
Comment from Chunger
Entertaining story, my only suggestion is with the line: "John and Sarah had taken a sick day from work to celebrate her thirty-eighth birthday and, it was their anniversary, fifteen years of wedded bliss." Wordy sentence- consider splitting into two. It does not match the rhythm of the sentence before it or after it.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Entertaining story, my only suggestion is with the line: "John and Sarah had taken a sick day from work to celebrate her thirty-eighth birthday and, it was their anniversary, fifteen years of wedded bliss." Wordy sentence- consider splitting into two. It does not match the rhythm of the sentence before it or after it.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Thanks for much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestion, and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, I agree with you, the sentence reads much better divided into two. :-)
Comment from jpduck
Your plot is excellent. But I feel there too many points where you are trying too hard to be literary, and not succeeding. The opening paragraph is an example of this: 'spraying the green pastures with an essence of sparkling dust that glistened off the muscled-foals' rumps'. 'Spraying' is an inappropriate verb to describe sunshine, and 'an essence of sparkling dust' is way OTT to describe sun-glistening dew. Also 'muscled-foals' rumps' should be 'muscled foals' rumps'
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'Tickets for a month-long cruise [throughout] *taking in* ports on the Mediterranean'
'whatever was on her computer*,* hadn't heard him'
'he began to follow her, [and] *as* she said'
Adrian
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Your plot is excellent. But I feel there too many points where you are trying too hard to be literary, and not succeeding. The opening paragraph is an example of this: 'spraying the green pastures with an essence of sparkling dust that glistened off the muscled-foals' rumps'. 'Spraying' is an inappropriate verb to describe sunshine, and 'an essence of sparkling dust' is way OTT to describe sun-glistening dew. Also 'muscled-foals' rumps' should be 'muscled foals' rumps'
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'Tickets for a month-long cruise [throughout] *taking in* ports on the Mediterranean'
'whatever was on her computer*,* hadn't heard him'
'he began to follow her, [and] *as* she said'
Adrian
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your review and suggestions are greatly appreciated. I have already made some of your helpful changes. Yes, I added some fluff that wasn't necessary to kind of let me sneak up on the reader with a little extra bang. I wasn't meaning "dew", I meant "dust," as collects on foals, and as I stood by the rail and watched the sun rise every morning, the sun did just kind of spray over the track as it came up in my limited vocabulary. I appreciate you. Thanks again. :-)
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Ric Myworld
I like how you took out the unnecessary fluff ( as you call it) Your very clear writing quickly led to what John found out about Sarah was doing on her computer..
Yes I was very surprised.
Gert
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Hello Ric Myworld
I like how you took out the unnecessary fluff ( as you call it) Your very clear writing quickly led to what John found out about Sarah was doing on her computer..
Yes I was very surprised.
Gert
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Hello, Gert Sherwood, my dear. It's always nice to hear from you. Thanks so much for taking time to read another of my sick stories. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
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Hi Ric
No way sick words .
I like a surprise.
got my attention when read the climax of your story.
Gert
Comment from Dean Kuch
"John and Sarah had taken a sick day from work to celebrate her thirty-eighth birthday and, it was their anniversary, fifteen years of wedded bliss."---I once called into work dead. Much to my surprise, I was terminated the very next day when I showed up for my shift. I've never understood why, exactly...
Great descriptive narrative abounds in this "not-so-flash-fiction" tale. Such as, "The sun rose into the sky from behind the eastern hills, spraying the green pastures with an essence of sparkling dust that glistened off the muscled-foals' rumps as they jumped and played, running up and down the fence row," in your opening lines, and, "Mesmerizing were the tree-lined roadways framed in perfectly manicured greenery from the year's over-abundance of summer rain. Whitewashed fences, barns built with intricate artisan-ship (needs hyphenated)-- of million-dollar homes, and in one paddock after another roamed some of the world's finest thoroughbreds. Truly, God's country, otherwise, why would he have ever made it so magnificent?" Excellent...
See where fidelity gets you? Hey, I'm now a firm believer in the age old adage "Nice guys finish last," especially as it pertains to matter of love and lust.
One could say that upon discovery of her cheating ways, John's darling wife really lost her head over the entire, sordid situation.
Good for John, too bad for Teddy...
Good work, Ric...~Dean ;)
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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"John and Sarah had taken a sick day from work to celebrate her thirty-eighth birthday and, it was their anniversary, fifteen years of wedded bliss."---I once called into work dead. Much to my surprise, I was terminated the very next day when I showed up for my shift. I've never understood why, exactly...
Great descriptive narrative abounds in this "not-so-flash-fiction" tale. Such as, "The sun rose into the sky from behind the eastern hills, spraying the green pastures with an essence of sparkling dust that glistened off the muscled-foals' rumps as they jumped and played, running up and down the fence row," in your opening lines, and, "Mesmerizing were the tree-lined roadways framed in perfectly manicured greenery from the year's over-abundance of summer rain. Whitewashed fences, barns built with intricate artisan-ship (needs hyphenated)-- of million-dollar homes, and in one paddock after another roamed some of the world's finest thoroughbreds. Truly, God's country, otherwise, why would he have ever made it so magnificent?" Excellent...
See where fidelity gets you? Hey, I'm now a firm believer in the age old adage "Nice guys finish last," especially as it pertains to matter of love and lust.
One could say that upon discovery of her cheating ways, John's darling wife really lost her head over the entire, sordid situation.
Good for John, too bad for Teddy...
Good work, Ric...~Dean ;)
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Thanks so much, Dean, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestion, and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, I started out trying to write flash, but as I added some worthless fluff that I felt might help me sneak up on the readers, I got a little carried away. :-)
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It happens to the best of us, Ric. You're more than welcome. ;}
~Dean
Comment from Writingfundimension
'After much debate over weeks and multiple trips, he decided to splurge the extra expense of the most extravagant piece, promising himself to lie like hell if anyone ever questioned him about the price.'
You really set the reader up well for the ultimate ending of this piece. It's a good build-up of suspense and works well as a 'flash' piece for me. Well done!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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'After much debate over weeks and multiple trips, he decided to splurge the extra expense of the most extravagant piece, promising himself to lie like hell if anyone ever questioned him about the price.'
You really set the reader up well for the ultimate ending of this piece. It's a good build-up of suspense and works well as a 'flash' piece for me. Well done!
:) Bev
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Thanks so much, Bev, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, I started out writing a flash piece, and then sort of got side tracked as I added fluff that I felt would allow me to sneak up and blind side the readers. :-)
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Well, you sure snuck up on me!
You're very welcome, Ric. :) Bev
Comment from kriver
Hi Ric,
This is a good story as far as it goes.
However, you had/have the opportunity to throw everyone a real curve with the ending but I guess you didn't see it. The curve, have John find out that Teddy wasn't her lover but the owner of an expensive horse she was in the process of buying for him anniversary present. She was in the process of making arrangements for delivery when He came in. Surprise surprise surprise! but finds this all out AFTER he kills her. I bet that would fool everyone with that one twist on the ending.
Anyways good clear descriptive writing.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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Hi Ric,
This is a good story as far as it goes.
However, you had/have the opportunity to throw everyone a real curve with the ending but I guess you didn't see it. The curve, have John find out that Teddy wasn't her lover but the owner of an expensive horse she was in the process of buying for him anniversary present. She was in the process of making arrangements for delivery when He came in. Surprise surprise surprise! but finds this all out AFTER he kills her. I bet that would fool everyone with that one twist on the ending.
Anyways good clear descriptive writing.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015
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You are exactly spot on and your idea would have taken this story to a completely different level. Of course, it might have taken a beginning short-short story writer like me at least a few more words to have gotten it done. I might just do it anyway. Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
