Things That Slither
A short story about my worst phobia, snakes and worms34 total reviews
Comment from gamay
Hi Prettybluebirds, This is a a very enjoyable reading and fun read. One time here in our place when I pee seen crawling in front of me. I can't see it because it so dark and I thought only a stick and I ask why it move ohhh! its a snake. My spirit is gone for a second. Anyway Good luck in the contest, gamay
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Hi Prettybluebirds, This is a a very enjoyable reading and fun read. One time here in our place when I pee seen crawling in front of me. I can't see it because it so dark and I thought only a stick and I ask why it move ohhh! its a snake. My spirit is gone for a second. Anyway Good luck in the contest, gamay
Comment Written 04-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Thank you for your review and the five stars.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I enjoyed this piece a lot. Your tone was good and I liked the touches of humour scattered throughout.
and away.
I screamed - this is either an unfortunate line break or needs another one for a new paragraph.
away in it' stomach - in its.
Of course this little incident did nothing to endear me to snakes - should this not be 'endear snakes to me'.
was Humming - humming.
Good luck in the competition.
GMG
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Hi there,
I enjoyed this piece a lot. Your tone was good and I liked the touches of humour scattered throughout.
and away.
I screamed - this is either an unfortunate line break or needs another one for a new paragraph.
away in it' stomach - in its.
Of course this little incident did nothing to endear me to snakes - should this not be 'endear snakes to me'.
was Humming - humming.
Good luck in the competition.
GMG
Comment Written 04-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Thanks for the tips. I will go back and correct the things you pointed out to me. I really appreciate any help you guys give me. Thanks again..
Comment from scd41
You might get comfort from the fact that many suffer from phobias for snake and worms. But you had such terrible experiences that you find it almost impossible to overcome the phobias. You have narrated these experiences in an absorbing style. You have written the story in a conversation style. Sentences like "Boy was I ever wrong" and "Well, I have told you my story as best I know how." could have been excluded.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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You might get comfort from the fact that many suffer from phobias for snake and worms. But you had such terrible experiences that you find it almost impossible to overcome the phobias. You have narrated these experiences in an absorbing style. You have written the story in a conversation style. Sentences like "Boy was I ever wrong" and "Well, I have told you my story as best I know how." could have been excluded.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Okay, thanks for your advice. Why do you think Boy was I ever wrong and Well I have told you my story should be excluded. I am always interested in any tips.
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
Hello Pretty Blue Birds,
You outlined your phobia of snakes well providing the reader with showing good imagery on why. You even delved down to the root of the reason from the past life..That was my favorite part of the story.
As for suggestions to make the story flow a bit more smooth;
My girlfriend put the worms on the hooks and I took the fish off of the hooks as she did not like to grab the fish and get stuck by their fins. (Long sentence that took me on a loop. Consider revising into two sentences.)
(-though)
died of (a) snake bite. or (snake bites)
Good job and take care..Cheers.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Hello Pretty Blue Birds,
You outlined your phobia of snakes well providing the reader with showing good imagery on why. You even delved down to the root of the reason from the past life..That was my favorite part of the story.
As for suggestions to make the story flow a bit more smooth;
My girlfriend put the worms on the hooks and I took the fish off of the hooks as she did not like to grab the fish and get stuck by their fins. (Long sentence that took me on a loop. Consider revising into two sentences.)
(-though)
died of (a) snake bite. or (snake bites)
Good job and take care..Cheers.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Thanks, I am getting wonderful advice from all you people and I intend to use it all to edit the story. I am just learning this writing stuff and appreciate all the help I can get. God Bless You for your help.
Comment from LIJ Red
Each to his own personal terror. Granted, there are a multitude of creepy crawlies that can hurt, really hurt you. Scorpions and stinging worms, cow ants(a wingless wasp, actually) and if you want misery, let a dozen fire ants zap you. Lots of bugs have necrotic bites, and then there are the four American snakes that are poison...
and now the pythons loosed in the southern swamps are growing twenty feet long...
just cheering you up. Excellent post.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Each to his own personal terror. Granted, there are a multitude of creepy crawlies that can hurt, really hurt you. Scorpions and stinging worms, cow ants(a wingless wasp, actually) and if you want misery, let a dozen fire ants zap you. Lots of bugs have necrotic bites, and then there are the four American snakes that are poison...
and now the pythons loosed in the southern swamps are growing twenty feet long...
just cheering you up. Excellent post.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Thank you for your cheerful review. Small snakes are more then I can handle so I think I will avoid Florida.
Comment from Asumini
I really enjoyed your piece. There were several points where I found myself laughing out loud. There are a couple small things to correct, such as saying the fence needed to be fixed. As of right now, it says the "the fence needed fixed." Otherwise, very nice. Thank you for sharing.
Asumini
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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I really enjoyed your piece. There were several points where I found myself laughing out loud. There are a couple small things to correct, such as saying the fence needed to be fixed. As of right now, it says the "the fence needed fixed." Otherwise, very nice. Thank you for sharing.
Asumini
Comment Written 03-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Thank you for your review. I am taking advice from all of you and will go back and edit this piece before the contest. Thanks again for your advice.
Comment from barkingdog
Don't get upset, you can fix all these nits and get five stars. Let me know when you've finished your corrections.
This a fantastic story. It has heart, is original and kept me interested all the way through.
Nits(mostly compound sentences and clauses):
-My girlfriend put the worms on the hooks(,) and I took the fish off of the hooks(,)(the 'as' means 'because' thus a comma) as she did not like to grab the fish and get stuck by their fins.
-Of course(,) each rabbit had a name(,) and they were all precious to me.My favorite rabbit(,) named Sweetie(,) was due to have a litter of young ones. Naturally(,) I was very excited and couldn't wait for those babies to be born. The cage Sweetie was in was about as high as my head(,) and every morning(,) I would run to her cage first and check to see if she had birthed her litter [yet].
-Of course(,) the snake was gone(,) taking Sweetie's babies away in it'(its) stomach. [Of course (avoid repetiton)] this(This) little incident did nothing to endear me to snakes.
-It was a rather nice summer day(,) and I decided I had better fix that piece of broken fence I had noticed on the back of our farm. I really didn't relish the thought of chasing our cows and horses all over the country. that(That) is not fun at all.
-When I got to the spot where the fence was broken(,) I noticed the grass
-He was one seriously pissed off snake(,) and I was one seriously frightened lady.
- However(,) no one had ever informed me that snakes could swim.
- As for me(,) I informed my husband that the fence needed fixed(fixing)(,) and no way in hell(,) was I going back there.
- I told my son to leave the snake alone(,) and maybe(,) we could sneak on past it.
- I told our dog to get the snake(,) but the dog said I had to be kidding and ran for his life. All three of us went a different direction(,) but you can guess which one of us that snake came after.
-When I straightened up(,) I felt something bump the top of my head[;] and there was that snake.
-So(,) here I was screaming and fleeing again(,) but at least my husband was there to save me this time. That snake gave him a hell of a fight though. It did not want to vacate that area. My husband said it probably had young around somewhere(,) but I didn't stick around to find out.
-It was one of those warm mornings in summer(,) and my husband got up before me to let all the cats outdoors.
Sites that you can study to learn more about punctuation. They are free.
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp
I restored your five stars, but found several more nits:
-to the barn[;] where he stopped and glared at me for a moment
[delete]
-So(,) here I was screaming and fleeing
-About a half hour or so later(,) I got up and headed into the
- this chaos[,] with a happy look
- me those ugly(,) slimy critters were all gone.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Don't get upset, you can fix all these nits and get five stars. Let me know when you've finished your corrections.
This a fantastic story. It has heart, is original and kept me interested all the way through.
Nits(mostly compound sentences and clauses):
-My girlfriend put the worms on the hooks(,) and I took the fish off of the hooks(,)(the 'as' means 'because' thus a comma) as she did not like to grab the fish and get stuck by their fins.
-Of course(,) each rabbit had a name(,) and they were all precious to me.My favorite rabbit(,) named Sweetie(,) was due to have a litter of young ones. Naturally(,) I was very excited and couldn't wait for those babies to be born. The cage Sweetie was in was about as high as my head(,) and every morning(,) I would run to her cage first and check to see if she had birthed her litter [yet].
-Of course(,) the snake was gone(,) taking Sweetie's babies away in it'(its) stomach. [Of course (avoid repetiton)] this(This) little incident did nothing to endear me to snakes.
-It was a rather nice summer day(,) and I decided I had better fix that piece of broken fence I had noticed on the back of our farm. I really didn't relish the thought of chasing our cows and horses all over the country. that(That) is not fun at all.
-When I got to the spot where the fence was broken(,) I noticed the grass
-He was one seriously pissed off snake(,) and I was one seriously frightened lady.
- However(,) no one had ever informed me that snakes could swim.
- As for me(,) I informed my husband that the fence needed fixed(fixing)(,) and no way in hell(,) was I going back there.
- I told my son to leave the snake alone(,) and maybe(,) we could sneak on past it.
- I told our dog to get the snake(,) but the dog said I had to be kidding and ran for his life. All three of us went a different direction(,) but you can guess which one of us that snake came after.
-When I straightened up(,) I felt something bump the top of my head[;] and there was that snake.
-So(,) here I was screaming and fleeing again(,) but at least my husband was there to save me this time. That snake gave him a hell of a fight though. It did not want to vacate that area. My husband said it probably had young around somewhere(,) but I didn't stick around to find out.
-It was one of those warm mornings in summer(,) and my husband got up before me to let all the cats outdoors.
Sites that you can study to learn more about punctuation. They are free.
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp
I restored your five stars, but found several more nits:
-to the barn[;] where he stopped and glared at me for a moment
[delete]
-So(,) here I was screaming and fleeing
-About a half hour or so later(,) I got up and headed into the
- this chaos[,] with a happy look
- me those ugly(,) slimy critters were all gone.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Thanks for the grammar lessons. I guess I need them. I really welcome any and all help I can get. I will go back and correct my errors, I can't began to tell you how much I appreciate all the advice everyone is giving me.
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Let me know when you've finished your corrections.
Comment from Curly Girly
This was an amusing read. I agree with you, I too, don't like snakes. It's a primal instinct for most living creatures--ask your dog!
One typo spotted:
Sweetie's babies away in it' stomach.
Sweetie's babies away in it'[s] stomach.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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This was an amusing read. I agree with you, I too, don't like snakes. It's a primal instinct for most living creatures--ask your dog!
One typo spotted:
Sweetie's babies away in it' stomach.
Sweetie's babies away in it'[s] stomach.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015
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Thank you. I am taking advice from all of you and will edit this piece before the contest.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, prettybluebirds, I enjoyed reading this story about your fear of snakes. I am like you, just the word snake makes me shiver. I went to do laundry the other day and I stepped on something. I don't know if it was a snake or a lizard, but whatever it was the head I couldn't find. the bottom part squirmed and squirmed and I was too scared to look at it closely to see if there was a pattern on it. I just know it had a white stomach. god luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2015
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this is an excellent write, prettybluebirds, I enjoyed reading this story about your fear of snakes. I am like you, just the word snake makes me shiver. I went to do laundry the other day and I stepped on something. I don't know if it was a snake or a lizard, but whatever it was the head I couldn't find. the bottom part squirmed and squirmed and I was too scared to look at it closely to see if there was a pattern on it. I just know it had a white stomach. god luck in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2015
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Thank you. I have been using other reviewers advice to clean this story up a little and make it easier to read.I am glad I am not alone in this snake phobia thing,
Comment from MelB
I can relate to this story on a couple of different levels. My mom has a phobia of snakes. She had a boy chase her with one as a kid. I don't have a phobia, but not fond of them. I used to have nightmares about them as a kid. In a nightmare, they represent the demonic. Once I dealt with the trauma of the past, they were gone. I never knew a blue racer would come at you like that. I've only seen a couple in my life. They do seem to seek to follow you for some reason. I hope you are able to overcome the fear.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2015
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I can relate to this story on a couple of different levels. My mom has a phobia of snakes. She had a boy chase her with one as a kid. I don't have a phobia, but not fond of them. I used to have nightmares about them as a kid. In a nightmare, they represent the demonic. Once I dealt with the trauma of the past, they were gone. I never knew a blue racer would come at you like that. I've only seen a couple in my life. They do seem to seek to follow you for some reason. I hope you are able to overcome the fear.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2015
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Blue racers will chase you if you run and of course I always ran. I never had one catch me and I am sure they could if they really wanted to. Thank you for the review.
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I know they are fast!
