Act of Endurance
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "All Aboard"Dawn of Chaos
63 total reviews
Comment from Earthwriter
incredible length of this piece i am unsure of format i think it could use some background color thats just my opinion awesome ob
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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incredible length of this piece i am unsure of format i think it could use some background color thats just my opinion awesome ob
Comment Written 28-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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So many pits in my conveyances, glad to see something outside my intents as a flaw. Thanking you for generous rate and touching statements.
Comment from pbomar1115
A poetic story. A child's imagination. Imagining riding on a candy train where Hershey's kisses, almond joy, ice cream is there for the taking. A garden that is made of cake " Twinkies in their beds" Riders traveling into a world that only a child would want full time. The story is filled with many images that would be fun and exciting. The setup prepares you what this person believes is good food.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015
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A poetic story. A child's imagination. Imagining riding on a candy train where Hershey's kisses, almond joy, ice cream is there for the taking. A garden that is made of cake " Twinkies in their beds" Riders traveling into a world that only a child would want full time. The story is filled with many images that would be fun and exciting. The setup prepares you what this person believes is good food.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015
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A real sweet tooth with gaps to prove it. Glad this write was found appealing. Thanking you for generous rate and touching statements.
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You're welcome
Comment from Missysbaker
All in all, I would say that this is a good poem. It has a very sophisticated, elegant style and has a sort of polished finish that I like. However, I see a couple of main problems, and just a couple of nit-picky things.
1. The way you worded it makes the scene hard to picture, because one has to concentrate in order to comprehend the poem. This is just me, but I believe that one needs to picture it, because seeing is feeling, and feeling is what every good work has to have.
2. Paragraph 11 doesn't make much sense. It is hard to sort through to find the meaning you are trying to convey.
Other than that, the only things I see are the following:
1. "Liquid fluid" is redundant.
2. In the sentence, "train weirdly advancing into bend" the word "weirdly" seems odd to me. But if you like it, keep it like it is, by all means. It's your poem, and there will always be someone who doesn't like it, no matter what.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015
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All in all, I would say that this is a good poem. It has a very sophisticated, elegant style and has a sort of polished finish that I like. However, I see a couple of main problems, and just a couple of nit-picky things.
1. The way you worded it makes the scene hard to picture, because one has to concentrate in order to comprehend the poem. This is just me, but I believe that one needs to picture it, because seeing is feeling, and feeling is what every good work has to have.
2. Paragraph 11 doesn't make much sense. It is hard to sort through to find the meaning you are trying to convey.
Other than that, the only things I see are the following:
1. "Liquid fluid" is redundant.
2. In the sentence, "train weirdly advancing into bend" the word "weirdly" seems odd to me. But if you like it, keep it like it is, by all means. It's your poem, and there will always be someone who doesn't like it, no matter what.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015
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I like the thought and yes it has pits, but a charm pleasing to interests intended, I will consider those lacks mentioned. Thanking you for generous rate and captivating comments.
Comment from kittykatnoel
I think perhaps you may be translating from another program. The sentences make no sense. I also did not read anything that was related to the title, 'All Aboard'. Hopefully this review helps. Sometimes when I go from a saved piece on another program it doesn't translate well onto FS.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2015
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I think perhaps you may be translating from another program. The sentences make no sense. I also did not read anything that was related to the title, 'All Aboard'. Hopefully this review helps. Sometimes when I go from a saved piece on another program it doesn't translate well onto FS.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2015
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Sad you found nothing appealing about this write, had a lot of problems with it as all my writes: thanking you for your generous rate and welcomed comments filled with insights about this write.
Comment from Joyce Long
Very well done. Interesting how you describe many of the items and events in goodies to eat: almond joy soup and ice cream. You have a unique way with words. Fun piece to read.
I didn't find any errors.
Thanks for sharing.
Joyce 11-30-15
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2015
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Very well done. Interesting how you describe many of the items and events in goodies to eat: almond joy soup and ice cream. You have a unique way with words. Fun piece to read.
I didn't find any errors.
Thanks for sharing.
Joyce 11-30-15
Comment Written 30-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2015
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Glad this write pleased, I found it to be fun holding past cartoon memories: thanking you for generous rate and inspiring thoughts.
Comment from IBIDsbane
If the category wasn't sci-fi and creation, I would have mistaken the prose as other than as described. Very descriptive, but the arrival of this particular train with passengers other than the observer begs the question as to whether the observer had already ridden the train. Or was the description an expectation of ecstasy?
Maybe I'm not looking deep enough. I'd have to read it a few more times to really get to that point, if it exists. But the satisfaction of the journey is in the effort, not necessarily the destination, just as the writer fully describes. A nice piece for the thinking reader.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2015
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If the category wasn't sci-fi and creation, I would have mistaken the prose as other than as described. Very descriptive, but the arrival of this particular train with passengers other than the observer begs the question as to whether the observer had already ridden the train. Or was the description an expectation of ecstasy?
Maybe I'm not looking deep enough. I'd have to read it a few more times to really get to that point, if it exists. But the satisfaction of the journey is in the effort, not necessarily the destination, just as the writer fully describes. A nice piece for the thinking reader.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2015
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Yeah getting this smooth ride has challenges too many jerks, I.believe a shorter cut might accelerate the effect. Thanking you for generous rate and inspiring thoughts.
Comment from Ricky1024
Deeply penned with 'loved work!'
"I gave it five stars as I ran out of sex's!
Sorry,
Ricky 1024.
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reply by the author on 27-Nov-2015
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Deeply penned with 'loved work!'
"I gave it five stars as I ran out of sex's!
Sorry,
Ricky 1024.
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Comment Written 27-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2015
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Glad you found this write interesting a little long still and will be under further revision. Thanking you for generous rate and touching statements.
Comment from Judvan2
Wow! Allot of words and descriptions. I love how you are able to run so many ideas together and keep it fresh and full of yummy treats. Its fun and I wished that I could ride this train in reality. Thank you for taking me on your fantasy.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Wow! Allot of words and descriptions. I love how you are able to run so many ideas together and keep it fresh and full of yummy treats. Its fun and I wished that I could ride this train in reality. Thank you for taking me on your fantasy.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Glad at least it was a journey and most pleased you enjoyed the trip. Thanking you for generous rate and charming thoughts.
Comment from sbedian
This is a great long poem about dreaming about food. You can tell the author has a sweet tooth. I liked the way the lines kind of fed into one another, going from one sweet to another, and leading to the ending with "We are next to seat". It seemed like a poem that a starving person would write, so maybe the author is on a diet?
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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This is a great long poem about dreaming about food. You can tell the author has a sweet tooth. I liked the way the lines kind of fed into one another, going from one sweet to another, and leading to the ending with "We are next to seat". It seemed like a poem that a starving person would write, so maybe the author is on a diet?
Comment Written 05-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Not much a eater. I fast alot for cleansing yet I do like my sweets. Glad this work tingled a response. Thanking you for generous rate.
Comment from P1
this is a wonderful piece of
prose poetry and i really enjoyed
traveling with you. great imagery
felt like i was there. thanks for
sharing with me
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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this is a wonderful piece of
prose poetry and i really enjoyed
traveling with you. great imagery
felt like i was there. thanks for
sharing with me
Comment Written 01-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2015
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A nightmare with a lot of chuckles. Glad this work was pleasing. Thanking you for generous rate and kind statements.
