Comment from dragonpoet

Excellent

So stark, with black and white background and the artwork for this 5-5-5 haiku. This is more a senryu. It could be a political statemant about how many people are running for president. But it is true that no matter what kind of beach, anywhere you can get attention you fight for a space.

Good luck in the contest.

Keep writing

dragonpoet

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

Thank you for your receptive review, dragonpoet. I will endeavor to do my best, and continue.
Much obliged.

reply by dragonpoet on 23-Jul-2015

You're welcome.

dragonpoet

Comment from ShelleySmithson

Good

I associated to the subject of "war" when I read this and find it a striking comment on the futility of much of the wartime I have seen the United States of America engage in, with tremendous loss of life and little apology for this.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

This site offers a six star scale for ranking work. Here's a guideline:

Six Stars (Exceptional: Simply Outstanding)
Five Stars (Excellent: Enjoyable and no revisions needed)
Four Stars (Good: Adjustments needed)
Three Stars (Below average)
Two Stars (Below Average: Needs lots of work)
One Star (Poor: Major revision required)

Please, tell me what revisions are needed, and why ou rated this as four stars. if you're going to dock stars based on personal preferences--that's wrong. If you're going to give someone less than a five, you also need to tell them why you've docked them one star, at least, then offer suggestions to improve.

Thank you for your time

reply by ShelleySmithson on 27-Jul-2015

I think my only sense of difference from the "five stars" and "four stars" was that, as a female reader, I associated to the word "men" as a bit limiting, since female lives are lost at war as well. In terms of earning six stars from me, I might have looked for some kind of wording that was a little more active.

reply by ShelleySmithson on 27-Jul-2015

I should add that I do think the haiku really packs a punch and is truly a fine piece.

reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015

During the landings in Normandy in France against Hitler's Nazi Germany, and Tarawa Beach in the Japanese Islands during WWII, which is the time period in which this poem is set, I can assure you there were no women on those beaches those days. Today is a completely different story, and I acknowledged many brave women in several of my replies.

~Dean

Comment from The Mom/DarleneThomson

Excellent

Best wishes in the contest. You do meet all the requirements for the contest. I noted that one of the requests was for creativity. You have that hands down. This is an absolute winner in my book. The artwork is haunting.

 Comment Written 22-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

Thanks, The Mom. I appreciate your encouragement, and your kind comments as well. I'm glad you liked it. :)

reply by The Mom/DarleneThomson on 22-Jul-2015

Your welcome.

Comment from Joyce Crowe

Excellent

nicely done and very deep. good use of imagry. You seem to have met the demands of the contest. Syllable count is good. I count 15.

 Comment Written 22-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

Thank you very much, Joyce. I appreciate your review and thoughtful feedback. I also counted 15 syllables, so I guess I'll be okay where that's concerned.
Much appreciated, my friend. :)

Comment from Father Flaps

Excellent

Hi Mystery Poet
I thought you nailed this poem and its eligibility for the contest with your final line,
"men fight to fill them"

One small suggestion,
"few spots remain open"
What do you think of,
(few spots remain vacant) ?

Good luck in the contest. I see a 5-6-5 syllable count.
Nice alliteration with "sun-scorched" and "fight to fill"

cheers
Kimbob

 Comment Written 22-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

Vacant works for me too, Kimbob. Thanks for that great suggestion, I will certainly consider it.
Do you feel it would make a lot of difference to readers? I used the word "open" in reference to an "open" grave, since this is a haiku-grave contest. In other words, the beach was so filled with open graves, there were few spots left but many men fighting and dying to fill them. However, you can't just come right out and say that, not in haiku. The nuances must be subtle so the tell-tale "Ah-ha!" moment sort of sneaks up on your readers. That was the idea behind the way in which this was written anyhow.
Thanks so much for your fantastic feedback and kind comments. I sincerely appreciate it s always. :}

Comment from Julia.

Excellent

This poem meets all of the contest requirements--the 17 syllable max, concrete imagery grammatically connected, and the satori line. I like the layers of meaning in the final line--men fighting to fill open spots in the line and men fighting and filling graves when they die. Nice job.

 Comment Written 22-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

Excellent interpretative review, Julia. You picked up on the double entendre in the satori perfectly. I'm glad that you enjoyed my haiku entry, and I sincerely appreciate your receptive comments.
Thanks again. :}

Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose

Excellent

Good job handsome! I love your haiku. Your style is hard to keep anonymous, there is no one quite like you. The syllable count is perfect and the satori line is very clever. It is a sad poem but you do great honor to soldiers who died for our country.

 Comment Written 22-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

Thanks, Gypsy, m'dear. I do try very hard in everything I write. However, the very same can be said about you and so many other talented writers here. I have studied every book on Amazon, every internet tutorial, and anything else pertaining to writing proper haiku I could get my grubby paws on. I've read until my eyes felt as if they were going to bleed--and then---I read and studied some more, LOL. You know as well as I do, it's not nearly as easy as it looks.
Thanks for the outstanding, positive review, my friend. :}

reply by Gypsy Blue Rose on 22-Jul-2015

I should study how to write haiku, I'm teaching myself and learn from others, like you.

I knew it was you :) heheh.... I am getting pretty good at telling when it is your work. :)
<><><><><><><><><><><><>

reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

I tried to disguise it the best that I could. What gave me away, that cross at the bottom, or something else? I'm just curious.
You have a very distinctive style yourself, Gypsy. When I "think" it's something you might have written, I'll check your portfolio to see if I'm right. Nine time out of ten, I have been.
Thanks again! ~Anon 4 Now, LOL... :)

Comment from Amy Greta

Excellent

Your haiku is excellent! I didn't expect your "sun scorched beach" to be a battle ground, but that's what makes a great haiku...the twist or surprise at the end. I never thought about it, but I can easily imagine that there would be a scramble to get a spot in the sand. "men fight to fill them"...clever double meaning as how they fight each other for a spot to protect themselves, and they fight the enemy and get a permanent spot. Powerful!
Amy

 Comment Written 22-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

And, they fought and died on those blood-soaked beaches, only to be placed into empty, unmarked graves, thousands of miles away from home, and everything they held dear. This entire haiku is just one big double entendre. It could be just guys fighting to be close to all the bathing beauties already on the beach, if it weren't for the photo. But you nailed my intended meaning to a tee, and I thank you for that. ;)

Comment from rspoet

Exceptional

You have demonstrated the power of haiku
To say something significant in just a few words
Words that make you stop in your thoughts
and say, yes, these words touch truth
Technicalities are irrelevant, but are there all the same
Connection of lines, hearts and souls
Concrete and ah, the yes moment.
The right photograph for the right poem
Well done

 Comment Written 22-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

Wow, rspoet. That's quite a compliment coming from you, a poet whose own work I greatly admire. All I can say after such a stellar rating and review is that I'm glad you "got it", and you, my dear friend, have made my night.
Thanks so much again. :}

reply by rspoet on 22-Jul-2015

You are most welcome

reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

:}

Comment from mvbrooks

Excellent

This poem seems to have a very strong message about the futility of war. It made me think of all the images of D-Day beaches and the men who know most of them would die in taking over the beach.

It should prove a strong contender in this contest.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 22-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

You're very perceptive, mvbrooks, as that is exactly what I'm making reference to in this haiku. However, I was thinking more Tarawa Beach in the Pacific Theater rather than D-Day in the European one. The kigo is a bit subtle, but sun scorched indicates summer on the Nipponese Islands.
Thanks very much for your receptive review. It is appreciated.

reply by mvbrooks on 22-Jul-2015

Thanks for explaining the Tarawa Beach--I wasn't familiar with it. Appreciate the insight.

reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015

No worries. Thank you for your intelligent review.