Comment from Delahay

Excellent

There have been a lot of documentaries on lately about WWII since it is the seventy-fifth anniversary of its end. Your poem makes me think of D-Day.

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

---

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

It could be any beach--during any campaign--on any shore, Delahay. There are beachheads all across the globe where the bones of brave young men, and women, who fought and died for their countries are still buried. It stands alone without the picture too, and could just as easily mean a group of sex-starved men clamoring to get onto a crowed summer beach, and next to all of the bathing beauties already there. I wanted it to work either way, and hopefully it does. The photo indicates all of those "open" spots on those war-torn beachheads where soldiers were buried where they fell.
Thanks for your review. I very much appreciate your feedback. :)

Comment from Chunger

Good

Without the visual I assume the poem is about family time on the beach. I picture children running around and fathers with towels trying to find a spot to put umbrellas. The picture leads me to believe I could be completely wrong.

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

---

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

The site offers a six star scale for ranking work. Here's a guideline:

Six Stars (Exceptional: Simply Outstanding)
Five Stars (Excellent: Enjoyable and no revisions needed)
Four Stars (Good: Adjustments needed)
Three Stars (Below average)
Two Stars (Below Average: Needs lots of work)
One Star (Poor: Major revision required)

As you can see, four stars means "needs adjustments", Chunger, yet you give no suggestions for improvement. That is unfair.

This entire haiku is just one big double entendre, my friend, as was intended. It could just as easily mean guys fighting to be close to all the bathing beauties already on the beach, if it weren't for the photo. With the photo however, it honors all of those who sacrificed everything--gave their lives-- so you and I...along with everyone else...could enjoy the freedoms and liberties we do today. It stands alone with, or without a photo. So, why was it docked one star ( at least)? Inquiring minds who are here to improve their work--like me--want to know.
Thanks for your review

reply by Chunger on 23-Jul-2015

I am sorry for being unclear in my review. Let me try to explain a bit better: I feel the poem is "good" (4 stars) but not excellent (5 stars). In my humble opinion a poem should be able to stand alone, so without the picture I do not see evidence of the double entendre as intended. I hope that is more clear.

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

So, you are recommending I change the picture? Where does the hiaku itself need revision? What of no photo were attched to it at all, let's say for arguments sake. Where would it need revisions? The syllable count? Or how about the punctuation, or lack thereof? Is there spelling mistakes, syntax errors, or any other SPAG, anywhere, in the writing? You need to look at the ratings chart again and see what is and what is not deemed excellent, and why. It should be very easy for you. I provided it, right form the site rule themselves, just above my first response.

Comment from l.raven

Excellent

this is so very sad...but so very true...these are men who died so we could live...so much blood stain those beaches...very well written...picture says it all...

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

---

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

Thanks for your thoughtful comments and review, Linda. I hope the words of the haiku itself did all of the talking, conveying of the message intended, and the photo only enhances the meaning behind it. That was my intent, anyhow.
I very much appreciate your time, my friend. :)

reply by l.raven on 25-Jul-2015

you are so welcome Dean...you did get the message out there...God Bless...Luff Linda xxoo

reply by the author on 25-Jul-2015

Thanks. ;)

reply by l.raven on 26-Jul-2015

soooo welcome Dean...smiling back at ya...luff xxoo

Comment from Pantygynt

Excellent

This fills all the requirements of this competition and indeed for any haiku because in addition to the contest requirements the seasonal reference, "sun scorched" is there. As ever with haiku, provided the other requirements are met, the satori line is the test. Does it create that little shock wave of understanding that has been called the ah hah moment? Well this one does in spades - if you'll pardon the pun which was intended. This is one of the most heart-wrenching satori lines that I have ever seen. If this doesn't win it will prove what I have beeen saying about these competitions. But I'm not going to repeat that here. If I had a six!

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

---

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

Thank you, Gynt! Someone actually gets it! Is it such a stretch to see this as a grave haiku, with or without the photo? Haiku is subtle, innuendo--not slap-you-upside-your-head poetry. It's vague, yet crystal clear if you actually expend a little brain power to think about it. You obviously have.
The jury is out on this one, my friend. But I read a LOT of your work, and I know how perceptive you are. You're not a bullsh!tter either when it comes to offering critique in your reviews.
So, win, lose or draw, I have gained a gained a victory simply from your outstanding and insightful review. I am extrememly grateful to you for that. :}

Comment from ravenblack

Excellent

You might be speaking of Normandy, but it could well be any beach the marines stormed. What gives your Haiku power is the juxtaposition of the image of swimmers looking for a spot to place their towels with soldiers filling the spots with their bodies. Blake's Songs of innocence and experience, the method, condensed in a haiku. Excellent!

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

---

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

You are absolutely right, Ed, and thank you for "getting it." Why do people have to be smacked upside their heads with a message when, if you actually use your brain and think about it a moment, it all becomes crystal clear? You had no trouble figuring this out. Of course, I'm sure you're pretty used to people telling you that they don't understand what you're trying to say. Perhaps that is why you are more perceptive than some--because of the sort of poetry you write yourself.
Anyhow, thanks so much for your intelligent and encouraging comments. I needed them about now. :)

reply by ravenblack on 23-Jul-2015

Believe me, I know how you feel. But remember, if someone does not get it, it is not necessarily the fault of the poet. Readers have to do theirs too. It is an excellent haiku and a six if I had one. The juxtaposition of the beaches smacked me upside the head.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

There is nothing more stark than a war battlefield, with the ploughed up killing fields, of the dead and disregarded, well done, an excellent entry in this haiku-grave contest, a really thoughtful and well crafted entry in this contest, well done, blessings, Roy.

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

---

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

Thank you, Roy, for your very insightful assessment. Many brave men and women from countries all over the globe, fought and died for their countries. Thousands upon thousands of make-shift graves were marked by a soldier's rifle, and helmet...a battlefield grave site, if you will. Many still remain there today, right where they fell and were buried, having never been found.

This was the intent for my haiku entry, to not just write about a "grave", per say, but to write about the courage and sacrifice it sometimes took, and takes, to fill one.

Much obliged for your review. :)

reply by royowen on 23-Jul-2015

Your passion and concern shine forth, not only for country's loss, but other nation's losses as well.

Comment from GregoryCody

Excellent

Great alliteration in the opening and close. I'm guessing your kigo is Sun Filled? Every season has sun though. If not, you could easily say Spring Filled. Kind of a contrasted image. Great satori!

Just be careful, the committee will disqualify often

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

---

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

Sun scorched indicates heat, Greg. Sweltering heat, as it was on the Japanese Islands when US Marines landed on the beaches of Tarawa, which is where my accompanying photo was taken. It was a battle in the Pacific Theater of World War II that was fought from November 20 to November 23, 1943. It took place at the Tarawa Atoll in the Gilbert Island. The climate is hot and humid, with a wet season from May to November. Many Pacific typhoons begin as tropical storms in the Marshall Islands region, and grow stronger as they move west toward the Mariana Islands and the Philippines. So this is the seasonal reference.

I know all too well about the CEC, having had many run-ins with them in the past. I guess they mean well. I guess...

Thanks for your feedback and review, my friend. It is always a pleasure to hear from you. :)

reply by GregoryCody on 23-Jul-2015

HAHAHA I LOVE THAT RESPONSE.

Yes though I figured that was it. Wow, after you explained it, it REALLY stands out. Fantastic.

And I've had run ins too...

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

Oh, believe me, if they try to disqualify me for this one, I'll want to know why. There's even a soldier's grave marked by his helmet and rifle in my photograph, LOL! ;)

reply by GregoryCody on 23-Jul-2015

Oh they can be brutal. It's really tough to get them to change their minds.

But I think yours fits! If you want, you should put in the notes, exactly what you wrote here about the kigo

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

If I did, then I would definitely be disqualified as author's notes are not permitted by the contests moderator.

reply by GregoryCody on 23-Jul-2015

Ohhhh. I would have felt horrible! Good thing you already knew lol

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

I scan the rules now with a fine-toothed comb, my friend. I'm very tried of being disqualified.

reply by GregoryCody on 23-Jul-2015

Me too! Lol

Comment from Jackarrie

Excellent

This is an excellent haiku for the prompt.The message is very clear and the satori line is a great line.
I wish you the very best of luck in the contest
Mary

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

---

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

This entire haiku is just one big double entendre, Mary. It could just as easily mean guys fighting to be close to all the bathing beauties already on the beach, if it weren't for the photo. With the photo however, it honors all of those who sacrificed everything--gave their lives-- so you and I...along with everyone else...could enjoy the freedoms and liberties we do today.
Thanks so much for your review, Mary. It's much appreciated. :-)

Comment from JourneyHolm

Excellent

Well done mystery poet. I think the associated image really adds value to this piece. Otherwise, the few lines make it a bit ambiguous, I enjoyed this poem. Thank you for sharing.

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

---

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

Which exactly as I intended, JourneyHolm.
I used the word "open" in reference to an "open" grave, since this is a haiku-grave contest. In other words, the beach was so filled with open graves, there were few spots left "open" but many men fighting and dying to fill them. However, you can't just come right out and say that, not in haiku, JH. The nuances must be subtle so the tell-tale "Ah-ha!" moment sort of sneaks up on your readers. These brave men and women fought and died on those blood-soaked beaches, only to be placed into empty, unmarked graves, thousands of miles away from home, and everything they held dear. This entire haiku is just one big double entendre. It could be just guys fighting to be close to all the bathing beauties already on the beach, if it weren't for the photo.
Thanks for your review.

reply by JourneyHolm on 23-Jul-2015

Well, this is just an excellent response and lesson all around. Thank you. I truly appreciate it.

Comment from inside echo

Excellent

So very sad how true your few short words really are. How powerful. A very well written haiku, on a topic that seems to never end... War and the senseless loss of life is horrible. A great contest entry. Good luck in the contest.
tgc
echo

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2015

---

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015

Many brave men and women fought and died on those blood-soaked beaches, only to be placed into empty, unmarked graves, thousands of miles away from home, and everything they held dear, Echo. This entire haiku is just one big double entendre. It could be just guys fighting to be close to all the bathing beauties already on the beach, if it weren't for the photo. With the photo however, it honors all of those who sacrificed everything--gave their lives-- so you and I...along with everyone else...could enjoy the freedoms and liberties we do today.
Thanks so much for your review.

reply by inside echo on 24-Jul-2015

So many heart wrenching stories of lives lost in battle, it is so sad. Blood soaked beaches indeed. History has many wonders, and also many holes, but it does not lack lives lost in the countless battles. A terrible act. Yes, some for our freedoms and liberties, and sadly others simply because governments cannot stay out of other businesses. Battles mainly fought for wealth (natural resources) and to show their might.
A great poem. One to maybe put out again on Veterans/Remembrance Day. Or even Memorial day.
Take good care.
echo