The Pit
Boy meets Death.40 total reviews
Comment from Autumn Splendour
I love your story. The child like simplicity and tone is very well crafted without melodrama. Even the lie that you told is forgivable as it was told out of a desire to please your mum and let her think well of you. As in all lies we carry a guilt and this guilt lives on until its final closure when you were able to surface it through "out of a pit into the light."
Lovely and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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I love your story. The child like simplicity and tone is very well crafted without melodrama. Even the lie that you told is forgivable as it was told out of a desire to please your mum and let her think well of you. As in all lies we carry a guilt and this guilt lives on until its final closure when you were able to surface it through "out of a pit into the light."
Lovely and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Autumn Splendour, for your fine, six star review. I am glad my story moved you.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Bringing the truth to light always makes a person feel better. This well written story depicts exactly how a young child would react in this situation, including trying to cover the event up so they would not feel even worse about what happened. Your notes are also very interesting. Quick thinking for that San Francisco performance. Held interest throughout. Well done.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Bringing the truth to light always makes a person feel better. This well written story depicts exactly how a young child would react in this situation, including trying to cover the event up so they would not feel even worse about what happened. Your notes are also very interesting. Quick thinking for that San Francisco performance. Held interest throughout. Well done.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Brett, for your kind review. I am glad I pulled this story out of the pit of my past.
Comment from scd41
You have written a gripping real-life story and brought out the conflicts one gets on lying. It haunts for a long time particularly if it happened in childhood when there is so much exuberance of innocence. The way you got an opportunity to confess makes the story fascinating.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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You have written a gripping real-life story and brought out the conflicts one gets on lying. It haunts for a long time particularly if it happened in childhood when there is so much exuberance of innocence. The way you got an opportunity to confess makes the story fascinating.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Yes, that lie haunted me. I am sorry I mislead my mother and grandmother. Even though they are gone, the only way for me to move forward is to confess. Thanks for your review.
Comment from mfowler
Every kid would love to be Dr Doolittle, I reckon. Well they did back then. My poor rescue was feral kitten who ended up in a grave under a tree. You relate this charming story with passionate memory for the rescue and what seems like regret at the lie and actions that follow. It is a very authentic write which I'm sure all readers would relate to having been kids at one time..
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Every kid would love to be Dr Doolittle, I reckon. Well they did back then. My poor rescue was feral kitten who ended up in a grave under a tree. You relate this charming story with passionate memory for the rescue and what seems like regret at the lie and actions that follow. It is a very authentic write which I'm sure all readers would relate to having been kids at one time..
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Yes, mfowler, I am stunned when people share with me their memories of childhood lies and animal rescues gone bad. Thanks for your review.
Comment from jpduck
This felt so like your seven-year-old self writing this gorgeous piece. I particularly enjoyed the final line; endings are so important.
Two suggestions and a typo. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
Your opening quote from Leslie Bricusse's lyrics should be between quotation marks. I would also suggest that you use italics and/or another colour to mark it out from the body of the story.
'One day, I played in a pit I dug in my backyard' (Just a tentative suggestion. I think I would want to change 'One day' to 'Once'. 'One day' has a ring of the future about it {'One day I will get around to doing that'}, whereas 'Once' is firmly looking back into the past).
'The bird was all head and [all] mouth' (I feel this has a better feel to it without the second 'all').
'Why did your mama ?*put/leave* you down here?'
Adrian
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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This felt so like your seven-year-old self writing this gorgeous piece. I particularly enjoyed the final line; endings are so important.
Two suggestions and a typo. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
Your opening quote from Leslie Bricusse's lyrics should be between quotation marks. I would also suggest that you use italics and/or another colour to mark it out from the body of the story.
'One day, I played in a pit I dug in my backyard' (Just a tentative suggestion. I think I would want to change 'One day' to 'Once'. 'One day' has a ring of the future about it {'One day I will get around to doing that'}, whereas 'Once' is firmly looking back into the past).
'The bird was all head and [all] mouth' (I feel this has a better feel to it without the second 'all').
'Why did your mama ?*put/leave* you down here?'
Adrian
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Adrian, for your encouraging review and corrections. I made them all.
One of the keys to making this story feel like my seven-year-old self, was that I still possess my childhood haiku and stories. I deleted the scenes in which I spoke the haiku I wrote forty years ago as a kid--haiku in which I rescued crickets and snails. Once I got into the mind of my seven-year-old self, I saw the world from his point of view, like your Nicholas in Nick's mind. Without the keys--the haiku--I could not have written this story.
Thanks again for your review and corrections.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Some things we say and do--those "simple" little lies that seem so harmless at the time--can often haunt us for the rest of our lives. You felt haunted because you never told your mother or grandmother the truth about what happened to Chipee. They passed from this life into the next thinking the bird had been nursed back to health and flew away.
But you knew differently, didn't you.
Your narration was good, and the story was well written. I must admit I didn't quite know what to feel at the end. I have mixed emotions about what you did. On one hand, you gave your mom and grandma a simple pleasure by making them think that Chirpee had survived and flew off into the sunset. Yet on the other hand, you never told them the truth about what really happened. Perhaps your little brother Jason told them and you were simply unaware he had.
It's possible.
Excellent story, Sis Cat.
~Dean
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Some things we say and do--those "simple" little lies that seem so harmless at the time--can often haunt us for the rest of our lives. You felt haunted because you never told your mother or grandmother the truth about what happened to Chipee. They passed from this life into the next thinking the bird had been nursed back to health and flew away.
But you knew differently, didn't you.
Your narration was good, and the story was well written. I must admit I didn't quite know what to feel at the end. I have mixed emotions about what you did. On one hand, you gave your mom and grandma a simple pleasure by making them think that Chirpee had survived and flew off into the sunset. Yet on the other hand, you never told them the truth about what really happened. Perhaps your little brother Jason told them and you were simply unaware he had.
It's possible.
Excellent story, Sis Cat.
~Dean
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Dean, for your kind review. This lie remained buried for over forty years until I dug it up. When it comes to storytelling, I am a grave-robber. Thanks for your review.
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I like that aspect about you, Sis Cat, heh-heh.
You are more than welcome, my friend. :}
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Yes, what else is a storyteller but a grave-robber. We are all ghouls.
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Yes, what else is a storyteller but a grave-robber. We are all ghouls.
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Yes, what else is a storyteller but a grave-robber. We are all ghouls.
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Andre
A charming sweet story which turns a little sour with the lie. Though in the end you got your learning and that's what counts. God bless your little heart in only wanting health and freedom for the sweet little bird, and your lie was born because of not wanting to let your mother down. We make many mistakes as we grow and learn, often regretted but always valued if there is a positive outcome.
Nice to see you 'confess' and can now rest easy in your conscience. Well written and a captivating story. I'm sure it will go down well with the audience and such a song as a bonus. Good luck. Warmest hugs - Lovi xoxo
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Hi Andre
A charming sweet story which turns a little sour with the lie. Though in the end you got your learning and that's what counts. God bless your little heart in only wanting health and freedom for the sweet little bird, and your lie was born because of not wanting to let your mother down. We make many mistakes as we grow and learn, often regretted but always valued if there is a positive outcome.
Nice to see you 'confess' and can now rest easy in your conscience. Well written and a captivating story. I'm sure it will go down well with the audience and such a song as a bonus. Good luck. Warmest hugs - Lovi xoxo
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Lovinia, for your kind review. Confessional stories are popular right now with audiences. If I could add a little song, so much the better. Thank you for wishing me good luck for my upcoming performances.
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Hi Andre
As I've already heard you sing ... I'm 'hearing' you 'Talk to the Animals' right now. :) I'm sure you'll do well, I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself. Hugs - Lovi xoox
Comment from Eigle Rull
This was a very well written post, my friend. This kind of thing could happen to anyone, and probably has in the past. This was an interesting story because of that fact. It held my attention because it was so well told. Nice job, my friend. It was excellent.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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This was a very well written post, my friend. This kind of thing could happen to anyone, and probably has in the past. This was an interesting story because of that fact. It held my attention because it was so well told. Nice job, my friend. It was excellent.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Eigle Rull, for your kind review and the stars. Many people have shared with me their memories of first pets and childhood lies. I am glad my story continues to touch people.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, sis cat, you did an excellent job writing this story about the animal healer you wished to be but had to bury your first patient, lol. I enjoyed reading it
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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this is an excellent write, sis cat, you did an excellent job writing this story about the animal healer you wished to be but had to bury your first patient, lol. I enjoyed reading it
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Yes, I buried my first patient but dug it up for this story. Thanks for your review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Andre,
To put it simply, I loved this piece.
There was so much in it that I could relate to. The fine detail you draw puts the reader right there. You have a great gift for this kind of thing.
I remembered my Tonka toys - when you could push them off a cliff and they would survive, unlike the cheap plastic rubbish today!
The main story is wonderfully told. Beautiful and sad too. The weight of expectations, and the joy of doing crashing down. The last line is a gripper as well.
Loved it
G
I found a moved brick moved - I think you should remove one of these.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Hi Andre,
To put it simply, I loved this piece.
There was so much in it that I could relate to. The fine detail you draw puts the reader right there. You have a great gift for this kind of thing.
I remembered my Tonka toys - when you could push them off a cliff and they would survive, unlike the cheap plastic rubbish today!
The main story is wonderfully told. Beautiful and sad too. The weight of expectations, and the joy of doing crashing down. The last line is a gripper as well.
Loved it
G
I found a moved brick moved - I think you should remove one of these.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, giraffmang, for giving my story its first review and its first six stars! I just love those Tonka trucks! I am glad you related to my story. Thanks also for the correction of the typo. Cheers.
