The Pit
Boy meets Death.40 total reviews
Comment from winespiller
This weeks six stars is bestowed upon you. These were great times for me. My sand city was in a vacant lot down the street. Thanks for the memories.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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This weeks six stars is bestowed upon you. These were great times for me. My sand city was in a vacant lot down the street. Thanks for the memories.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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winespiller, I am thrilled to learn that there was another Sand City. I thought mine was the only one. In the only family film we have from the 1970s, my mother shot a ten minute film of me playing in Sand City with my siblings. I miss that city. I am glad my story brought back memories and I am cheered by your generous, six star review. Thank you.
Comment from abbasjoy
The truth will out one way or another. It's funny how one lie leads to another, but confession is indeed good for the soul. Why? Because you don't have to think about what you said before, in order to cover your tracks.
Truth is so freeing.
Anyhow, I think you were punished enough from the guilt you felt, and then on top of that, the cat got Chirpee's body; desecrated it. That was another hard blow.
Well narrated story.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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The truth will out one way or another. It's funny how one lie leads to another, but confession is indeed good for the soul. Why? Because you don't have to think about what you said before, in order to cover your tracks.
Truth is so freeing.
Anyhow, I think you were punished enough from the guilt you felt, and then on top of that, the cat got Chirpee's body; desecrated it. That was another hard blow.
Well narrated story.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Yeah, I really dug myself hole with this whopper of a lie. Things worsened. I was shocked the cat ate Chirpee, but I am humbled I finally brought this well narrated story to light. Thanks for your review.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Gone but not forgotten
Though it felt a little rushed in places, I enjoyed the story. We've all lied to our parents...this is a lie of the best kind. Hope you've found peace and know that your little bird friend was more comfortable with you than he would have been outside, alone, dying. Best.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Though it felt a little rushed in places, I enjoyed the story. We've all lied to our parents...this is a lie of the best kind. Hope you've found peace and know that your little bird friend was more comfortable with you than he would have been outside, alone, dying. Best.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, wordcraft3198, for your kind review. I created "The Pit" as my script to recite from memory before an audience at the Fireside Storytelling: Confessions even in san Francisco in ten days. I am only given ten minutes to perform which accounts for the story feeling a little rushed in places. I am thrilled that my story about my lie resonated with you. Thanks for your review.
Comment from mvbrooks
This is a lovely memory story from a time of innocence. Your specific references to that time period -- the Rex Harrison version of a movie, the Tonka truck--help the read connect to the story.
Editing notes:
" Long before the Dog Whisper, long before the Horse Whisperer"
--should it be Dog Whisperer?
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" this three feet wide and one foot deep hole, "
--compound adjectives need hyphens: three-feet-wide and one-foot-deep hole. with the hyphens, each adjective describes the hole. Without hyphens (or commas when appropriate), the adjectives describe each other.
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A thought:
"The only problem was the bird pooped. I cleaned out the shoebox nest. Chirpee also chirped at night. I would be sleeping when the bird chirped. I yawned, woke to scrounge around for a cockroach to feed Chirpee. "Time to go to sleep, Chirpee. I'll talk to you in the morning."
--this sentence says the "only problem" was the bird pooped--and then tells that the bird also chirped at night, awakening the narrator who then had to feed it. Wouldn't that also be a problem?
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" I dug a new hole where I found Chirpee"
-"had found -
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" and outraced my brother inside"
--this is awkward -- perhaps "inside our house"
"My hands cupped and carried the bird inside"
--inside "where" -- perhaps "inside our house"
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" Mama Jennie, visited at the time."
--"was visiting at the time"
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" He was still there and something else."
--this seems awkward "..and something else" -- we expect you to then tell us "what" this something else is/was.
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"Standing from the empty grave,"
--this seemed difficult to visualize -- perhaps standing up from the empty grave.
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This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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This is a lovely memory story from a time of innocence. Your specific references to that time period -- the Rex Harrison version of a movie, the Tonka truck--help the read connect to the story.
Editing notes:
" Long before the Dog Whisper, long before the Horse Whisperer"
--should it be Dog Whisperer?
--------------
" this three feet wide and one foot deep hole, "
--compound adjectives need hyphens: three-feet-wide and one-foot-deep hole. with the hyphens, each adjective describes the hole. Without hyphens (or commas when appropriate), the adjectives describe each other.
------------
A thought:
"The only problem was the bird pooped. I cleaned out the shoebox nest. Chirpee also chirped at night. I would be sleeping when the bird chirped. I yawned, woke to scrounge around for a cockroach to feed Chirpee. "Time to go to sleep, Chirpee. I'll talk to you in the morning."
--this sentence says the "only problem" was the bird pooped--and then tells that the bird also chirped at night, awakening the narrator who then had to feed it. Wouldn't that also be a problem?
----------------
" I dug a new hole where I found Chirpee"
-"had found -
------------
" and outraced my brother inside"
--this is awkward -- perhaps "inside our house"
"My hands cupped and carried the bird inside"
--inside "where" -- perhaps "inside our house"
------------------------
" Mama Jennie, visited at the time."
--"was visiting at the time"
----------------------
" He was still there and something else."
--this seems awkward "..and something else" -- we expect you to then tell us "what" this something else is/was.
-----------------
"Standing from the empty grave,"
--this seemed difficult to visualize -- perhaps standing up from the empty grave.
---------------
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Thank you, mvbrooks for your thorough, instructive review. You must have been a copy editor! I made all of your recommended corrections. They are good ones. They made my story grammatically correct and clearer. I would appreciate it if you take another look at it to see if I corrected everything. Perhaps you will find something else. Thanks again for giving my story its most informative criticism.
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Thank you for letting me know that my feedback was helpful. I re-read the story and enjoyed it even more this time because the flow is much stronger now. Continued success with this heart-warming story.
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Thank you very much for helping improve the flow and the clarity of my story.
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Thank you very much for helping improve the flow and the clarity of my story.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello Sis Cat, it is a pleasure to review The Pit. I enjoyed reading your story about a Andre's lie and his good wishes to raise a little bird. I remember trying to do the same but I heard that one you touch the bird, the mother will never care for it anymore. Of course, that has nothing to do with your story. I think you did an excellent job telling us how he lied when he was a little boy.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Hello Sis Cat, it is a pleasure to review The Pit. I enjoyed reading your story about a Andre's lie and his good wishes to raise a little bird. I remember trying to do the same but I heard that one you touch the bird, the mother will never care for it anymore. Of course, that has nothing to do with your story. I think you did an excellent job telling us how he lied when he was a little boy.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Gypsy Blue Rose, for your enthusiastic review. That was one whopper of a lie I told followed by a cover up. I am glad I exhumed this lie and exposed it to light.
Comment from Jay Squires
First of all, what an interesting story from the Author Notes. Seems almost like you were guided to bring the story from the pit to the light.
Secondly, an admission: I downloaded this last night and because of computer problems had to leave it unread overnight with the computer still on. Now it is after 11 am on Sunday and I'm now able to read it. I'm saying this because the corrections I suggest (if there are any) will probably already be pointed out and corrected. When you get mine, you're gonna wonder why. Now you know.
Mom looked in my hands and smiled. [paragraph spacing needed.]
I found a moved brick moved and an empty grave. [an extra "moved"]
Then I noticed. Feathers scattered the ground like a ripped goose down pillow. [While I know your intent here, coming so close after looking up in the tree, my thought was the feathers floated down. If you chose to change the wording to "Feathers WERE scattered ON the ground ..." there wouldn't be that connection. Then again it might be part of the stuff floating around the head of the one who made the connection in the first place, LOL, and you'll choose, first to forgive me, then to leave it as it is.]
Standing from the empty grave, [Paragraph spacing error.]
Your repetition of the words, "I dug deeper" was a brilliant choice. In fact this was a brilliant post, Andre. It carries so much the flavor of the spoken word.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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First of all, what an interesting story from the Author Notes. Seems almost like you were guided to bring the story from the pit to the light.
Secondly, an admission: I downloaded this last night and because of computer problems had to leave it unread overnight with the computer still on. Now it is after 11 am on Sunday and I'm now able to read it. I'm saying this because the corrections I suggest (if there are any) will probably already be pointed out and corrected. When you get mine, you're gonna wonder why. Now you know.
Mom looked in my hands and smiled. [paragraph spacing needed.]
I found a moved brick moved and an empty grave. [an extra "moved"]
Then I noticed. Feathers scattered the ground like a ripped goose down pillow. [While I know your intent here, coming so close after looking up in the tree, my thought was the feathers floated down. If you chose to change the wording to "Feathers WERE scattered ON the ground ..." there wouldn't be that connection. Then again it might be part of the stuff floating around the head of the one who made the connection in the first place, LOL, and you'll choose, first to forgive me, then to leave it as it is.]
Standing from the empty grave, [Paragraph spacing error.]
Your repetition of the words, "I dug deeper" was a brilliant choice. In fact this was a brilliant post, Andre. It carries so much the flavor of the spoken word.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Thanks, Jay for your six star review. Yes, I was guided to tell this story. Most of my stories hunt me down and not the other way around. I made your recommended corrections. The one about the feathers was a good one.
I designed this story for me to recite in front of an audience. This accounts for its spoken word flavor. I wrote the last paragraphs first. When I first say "I dug deeper," I say it in the high pitched voice of a child. The second time I say it, I say it in the deep voice of a man. The third time I say it, I say it in a very deep Darth Vader voice. While I am saying "I dug deeper," I gesture digging with a shovel. These effects will create striking visual images and auditory sounds for my story's close.
Thanks again for your generous, six star review and corrections.
Comment from thee-name
Excellent story. Writing was interesting.
My mother, whom, we called Mama Jennie, visited at the time. She raised her hands. "Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus! Thank you, Lord! I've always known that boy had the gift. Hmm. Hmm.
Suggestion: Some of your paragraphs are separated
uneven.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Excellent story. Writing was interesting.
My mother, whom, we called Mama Jennie, visited at the time. She raised her hands. "Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus! Thank you, Lord! I've always known that boy had the gift. Hmm. Hmm.
Suggestion: Some of your paragraphs are separated
uneven.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, thee-name, for your kind review. I was just rehearsing that quoted passage this morning. I will take a look at the paragraph breaks.
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thank you!
Comment from Clover77
This prose was truly well written. I do believe that you have captured exactly what you were hoping for. Well done fellow writer
~Julia
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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This prose was truly well written. I do believe that you have captured exactly what you were hoping for. Well done fellow writer
~Julia
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Julia, for your kind review. I did a lot of digging to bring this story back into the light.
Comment from Shirley McLain
What a great childhood confession. I enjoyed reading it. You did a great job. I didn't find any spag. Your writing painted a great picture and let me see the scene's as they happened. Shirley
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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What a great childhood confession. I enjoyed reading it. You did a great job. I didn't find any spag. Your writing painted a great picture and let me see the scene's as they happened. Shirley
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Shirley, for your enthusiastic, six star review. I will perform this story at a confessional storytelling event. Thanks for the encouragement.
Comment from Mr. Dark
What an incredible story...
The story itself was beautiful, but the way you crafted it on the page was phenomenal. Your way with words...
Every child, if they were ever a child at all, can relate to this. Heartbreaking and full of bright light at the same time. Innocence lost, growing up.. you've covered the gamut here. I literally had to slow myself down reading this because it was so delicious to read and I felt like a glutton.
So beautiful... a perfect slice of life that we too often tend to forget.
Your prose flowed wonderfully. I found absolutely no hiccups that made me pause and brought be back into reality. If there were any spags or grammatical errors, they went unnoticed because the story was so absorbing.
One of the most deeply personal, beautiful stories have read here. You have a way with words, and a knack for telling. This was just brilliant. I wanted to cry, laugh, and revert to when I was a child all at the same time. Your words did that to me.
Let that be testament to your talents.
Well deserving of a six.
--Sara
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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What an incredible story...
The story itself was beautiful, but the way you crafted it on the page was phenomenal. Your way with words...
Every child, if they were ever a child at all, can relate to this. Heartbreaking and full of bright light at the same time. Innocence lost, growing up.. you've covered the gamut here. I literally had to slow myself down reading this because it was so delicious to read and I felt like a glutton.
So beautiful... a perfect slice of life that we too often tend to forget.
Your prose flowed wonderfully. I found absolutely no hiccups that made me pause and brought be back into reality. If there were any spags or grammatical errors, they went unnoticed because the story was so absorbing.
One of the most deeply personal, beautiful stories have read here. You have a way with words, and a knack for telling. This was just brilliant. I wanted to cry, laugh, and revert to when I was a child all at the same time. Your words did that to me.
Let that be testament to your talents.
Well deserving of a six.
--Sara
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Sara, for your enthusiastic, six star review. I was so embarrassed to write this story because I had to confess playing in the mud, caring for a first pet, and lying to my elders when it died. I am thrilled that my story resonates with you. Yes, we often forget these beautiful slices of life. I am glad I shared my slice with you. Thanks for your review.
