The Pit
Boy meets Death.40 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day mate. What a great story this is. It was just a little white lie for approval as all or most kids tend to do. What you need to remember is that Chirpee would have died on the ground and maybe would have been eaten alive if you hadn't rescued him. Well done my friend, loved it. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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G'day mate. What a great story this is. It was just a little white lie for approval as all or most kids tend to do. What you need to remember is that Chirpee would have died on the ground and maybe would have been eaten alive if you hadn't rescued him. Well done my friend, loved it. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 21-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Yes, Fez, with all of those cats roaming around, Chirpee would have been eaten alive. At least I gave the bird the kindness and care a kid such as I could provide in its final days. Thank you for your comforting words and encouragement.
Comment from Spitfire
What a delightful story told with the simplicity of the child's age. Excellent pacing with the slow unwinding of finding the baby bird, feeding it worms and roaches (Yuch), and praying over the corpse. Nice injection of humor with the reference to the Resurrection and accusing the cat of not being a good Christian.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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What a delightful story told with the simplicity of the child's age. Excellent pacing with the slow unwinding of finding the baby bird, feeding it worms and roaches (Yuch), and praying over the corpse. Nice injection of humor with the reference to the Resurrection and accusing the cat of not being a good Christian.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Oh, yes, Spitfire, that cat is so not a good Christian. This story is a "delightful" mix of childlike innocence and guilt. Yes, I believed Chirpee rose from the grave. I saw the empty tomb and my mind thought of Jesus. I am glad you enjoyed my story.
Comment from ravenblack
Baby rabbits ( a dog had gotten mom), an injured crow, a baby robin- yes, I fancied myself a doctor dolittle. But the crow was the only one to make it, maybe the bunnies as after a few days I brought them to a rehab center. You really brought me back. I really like the additional layers you added, resurrection and not wanting to disappoint. I dug deeper- excellent closing, lies buried and eaten an excellent statement on human nature. Great story!
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Baby rabbits ( a dog had gotten mom), an injured crow, a baby robin- yes, I fancied myself a doctor dolittle. But the crow was the only one to make it, maybe the bunnies as after a few days I brought them to a rehab center. You really brought me back. I really like the additional layers you added, resurrection and not wanting to disappoint. I dug deeper- excellent closing, lies buried and eaten an excellent statement on human nature. Great story!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Thank you, ravenblack, for your kind review. I am glad my story brought you back to your own Doctor Dolittle experiences.
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hi Cat,
This is such a poignant story. I can understand how you, as a child, felt a sense of responsibility for its death. (Although it's sad that you did.) How marvelous that you felt compelled to give the bird a proper burial.
Do you remember how old you were at the time? I find your thought process very remarkable as you discovered the missing body. How bitter sweet that you felt he had gone to heaven, leaving his feathers behind. Even when reality hit, you seemed to absorb the reality very calmly and rationally.
Hugs,
Lou
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Hi Cat,
This is such a poignant story. I can understand how you, as a child, felt a sense of responsibility for its death. (Although it's sad that you did.) How marvelous that you felt compelled to give the bird a proper burial.
Do you remember how old you were at the time? I find your thought process very remarkable as you discovered the missing body. How bitter sweet that you felt he had gone to heaven, leaving his feathers behind. Even when reality hit, you seemed to absorb the reality very calmly and rationally.
Hugs,
Lou
Comment Written 20-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Lou, I do not know how old I was at the time but I estimate between seven and eleven. I know the brick was too heavy for me to move alone so my little brother helped me. Being a Sunday School going boy, I thought the bird resurrected. I did not quite understand death. I believed in magic and miracles.
I still have two haiku I wrote at eleven in which I rescued a cricket and a pair of snails. Those poems allowed me to return to my mindset at that age. I was shocked to discover a cat ate Chirpee's corpse, but could not tell my mother because it would expose my lie.
This story has been quite a trip for me down memory lane. I am glad I shared my journey with you.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Sis Cat
To tell a story from a child's mind was very impressive when the child realizes he/she told a lie--- said
I am relieved I brought my buried lie out of the pit and into the light.
Gert
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Hello Sis Cat
To tell a story from a child's mind was very impressive when the child realizes he/she told a lie--- said
I am relieved I brought my buried lie out of the pit and into the light.
Gert
Comment Written 20-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Gert, for your kind review. I still have two haiku I wrote at eleven in which I rescued a cricket and a pair of snails. Those poems allowed me to return to my mindset at that age and reconstruct my thought process around the Chirpee event. I am embarrassed to say that I really thought Chirpee rose from the dead. My budding concept of death was influenced by Sunday School. I was so mad at that cat and dumbfounded. To write this story, I returned to the child I was and embraced everything--playing in the mud, caring for a bird, lying about its death. My story about a lie called for honesty. Thanks for your review.
Comment from Pantygynt
This is an amazing story, brilliantly told. There seems to be a fashion these days that eschews the telling, demanding everything by revelation. Sometimes there is no way around it. Once chirpee was gone and the lie had been told there was nothing else to say but a lot to do that had to be told.
The child comes so well to life through the actions, burial, the multiple exhumations brought on by a natural inquisitiveness. This has restored my belief that there is a place for the telling of a story. I certainly hope so because my fairy tale will, in a few chapters move on to a chapter where there being only one person present there is no dialogue. So, unless I get it right I'm going to get pilloried by the modernists.
No and only now will I look to see what other reviewers have said. And regardless, I will not return here to change a word.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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This is an amazing story, brilliantly told. There seems to be a fashion these days that eschews the telling, demanding everything by revelation. Sometimes there is no way around it. Once chirpee was gone and the lie had been told there was nothing else to say but a lot to do that had to be told.
The child comes so well to life through the actions, burial, the multiple exhumations brought on by a natural inquisitiveness. This has restored my belief that there is a place for the telling of a story. I certainly hope so because my fairy tale will, in a few chapters move on to a chapter where there being only one person present there is no dialogue. So, unless I get it right I'm going to get pilloried by the modernists.
No and only now will I look to see what other reviewers have said. And regardless, I will not return here to change a word.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Pantygynt, for your kind, encouraging review of my story told through revelation. talk about desecration. I was the one who exhumed Chirpee before the cat did, but I was a kid and inquisitive.
Yes, there is a place for telling stories. I wish you success for your fairy tale.
Comment from Michaelk
It's amazing the way a kids mind works. Thinking that something like that was somehow your fault, instead of realizing the harsh reality that the bird was probably going to die from the start. If it was healthy enough to live, it would've never been on the ground to begin with.
That's reasonable and I'm sure you know that as well, but to a kid it becomes his fault. I promised I would take care of the bird and the bird died, therefore it must be my fault.
I loved this little confession story. It had a 'Little Rascals' feel to it.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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It's amazing the way a kids mind works. Thinking that something like that was somehow your fault, instead of realizing the harsh reality that the bird was probably going to die from the start. If it was healthy enough to live, it would've never been on the ground to begin with.
That's reasonable and I'm sure you know that as well, but to a kid it becomes his fault. I promised I would take care of the bird and the bird died, therefore it must be my fault.
I loved this little confession story. It had a 'Little Rascals' feel to it.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Michaelk, for your kind review of my confession story also for your insight into a mind of a child. I still have my poems and stories I wrote at that age. They allowed me to enter the mind of the child I was and see the world from his child point of view.
Thanks you your review. I also watched "Little Rascals" when I was a kid.
Comment from nomi338
Your most wonderful story could very well be a case study of how wrongs from our past must be dealt with ad put to rest or they will haunt us and keep finding a way to reinsert themselves into our conscious time and time again. I have my own sleeping giants that I am trying to keep buried. My success has never been consistent. Maybe I will be able to expose and exorcise them on Fanstory some day.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Your most wonderful story could very well be a case study of how wrongs from our past must be dealt with ad put to rest or they will haunt us and keep finding a way to reinsert themselves into our conscious time and time again. I have my own sleeping giants that I am trying to keep buried. My success has never been consistent. Maybe I will be able to expose and exorcise them on Fanstory some day.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Yes, sleeping giants. I know them well. Wrongs from our past find ways to be put to rest. When I signed up for a FanStory non-fiction contest, I did not realize it wanted a true story about an encounter with a wild animal until after I read the contest rules. By that time, it was too late to back out and I scrambled to recall an animal encounter. The only thing I could think of was my first and last pet bird. I rushed to condense my story to 800 words but missed the deadline. On the same day, a storytelling producer invited me to tell a confessional story in San Francisco. I accepted and created the story you read. When you expose your sleeping giants, you create consistent success. Thanks for your review.
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Sorry you missed the contest deadline, but obviously out of one disappointment success found a way to take place. You are a wonderful story teller and future success must be yours, fate has decreed it.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very well written account, and it made a good story. I rooted for the little bird, but he didn't make it. That lie made your mom happy, so it was okay, I think. :)
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Very well written account, and it made a good story. I rooted for the little bird, but he didn't make it. That lie made your mom happy, so it was okay, I think. :)
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Phyllis, for your kind review. I can tell by my mother's tone of voice and her expression that she really wanted to see that bird fly away. As a kid, I could not offer her the dream she wanted except me becoming a writer. Thanks for your review.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
A sad memory of a child who contrives a lie to cover guilt over a perceived failure where no guilt was warranted. Well told. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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A sad memory of a child who contrives a lie to cover guilt over a perceived failure where no guilt was warranted. Well told. :) Nancy
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Nancy, for your kind review and summary of my story.
