The Pit
Boy meets Death.40 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Growing boys, they often share many similar experiences, especially, when it comes to lying. At some time or another they all do it, or at least until they learn better, or find it to be a necessity. Thanks for another fun and entertaining read. :-)
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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Growing boys, they often share many similar experiences, especially, when it comes to lying. At some time or another they all do it, or at least until they learn better, or find it to be a necessity. Thanks for another fun and entertaining read. :-)
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Ric, for your generous review. I am glad you had a fun and entertaining read. "The Pit" is my script for a live storytelling performance. If you want more fun and entertainment, watch my performance recorded live in San Francisco before a packed audience on July 29. https://youtu.be/AznPGjdKxcU
Thanks for your review.
Comment from IndianaIrish
I decided to do a reciprocal review for your review on my haiku, and I'm sure glad I did, Sis Cat. Your story is entertaining, emotional, and very moving. I especially enjoyed it told through the eyes of the younger you. I remember my first experience with death...a tiny puppy my parents told me died because it was taken away too soon from its mother. I saw them bury it under the sandbox, and I dug it up because I didn't understand death and wanted to be sure it was okay in the ground. I wrote a story about my experience as well. Your lie is understandable. As a child, you wanted to make your mom happy and proud of you. You didn't want to confess your inability to keep the bird alive so it could fly away to be free. I loved your Sand City and would love to read more about your self-made playground. Didn't you think you were getting close to China? LOL. I loved the repetition of "I dug deeper" as it goes beyond the action of digging to bury your secret. Congratulations on your opportunity to read the story to an audience. I wish I could be there to hear you tell it. Best wishes with the reading.
Smiles,
Indy :-)
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2015
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I decided to do a reciprocal review for your review on my haiku, and I'm sure glad I did, Sis Cat. Your story is entertaining, emotional, and very moving. I especially enjoyed it told through the eyes of the younger you. I remember my first experience with death...a tiny puppy my parents told me died because it was taken away too soon from its mother. I saw them bury it under the sandbox, and I dug it up because I didn't understand death and wanted to be sure it was okay in the ground. I wrote a story about my experience as well. Your lie is understandable. As a child, you wanted to make your mom happy and proud of you. You didn't want to confess your inability to keep the bird alive so it could fly away to be free. I loved your Sand City and would love to read more about your self-made playground. Didn't you think you were getting close to China? LOL. I loved the repetition of "I dug deeper" as it goes beyond the action of digging to bury your secret. Congratulations on your opportunity to read the story to an audience. I wish I could be there to hear you tell it. Best wishes with the reading.
Smiles,
Indy :-)
Comment Written 25-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2015
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Oh, no, IndianaIrish, I am not going to "read" my story before audiences, but perform it from memory without paper. I even sing out the opening lines of "Talk to the Animals" and act out all of the characters, their voices, and their action.
Yes, the death of my first pet haunted me, because I did not understand death. I thought the bird resurrected. I was angry when I realized that a cat dug up and ate the bird's body. When I lied about the bird's death, I dug myself deeper.
I have one forty-year old home movie about Sand City. I even have my diary entries I wrote about it. Perhaps I will write another story about that.
Thank you for your generous, six star review.
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Ah...you are a performance writer? You make me wish I could be in the audience even more now to see, hear, and experience the story live through your performance. Best wishes to you.
I hope you do write a story about Sand City as it sounds like a world I'd love to read about through your eyes. :-)
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Yes, I am a performance writer. Most of my stories on FanStory are my scripts that I memorize. I recycle my performance scripts into stories that are publishable. Solo performance storytelling influenced my story writing.
Comment from LIJ Red
John D. Macdonald wrote a good passage, by his Meyer character, about killing a
starling with his new bb gun...that first brush with death can mold a child's character. A fine story.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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John D. Macdonald wrote a good passage, by his Meyer character, about killing a
starling with his new bb gun...that first brush with death can mold a child's character. A fine story.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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LIJ Red, for a fine and final review before my story's certificate expired. Thanks also for comparing this piece to John D, MacDonald. Out of all the animals I have had, the death of my first pet is the one that haunts me. Thanks for your review.
Comment from Serendipity!
That is a beautiful story. It tugs at the heart a little how you cared for that tiny bird, and I'm sure it was no fault of yours that the wee creature passed away. I can imagine the feelings that must have twisted in your heart that caused you to resort to lying to protect your mother from disappointment. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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That is a beautiful story. It tugs at the heart a little how you cared for that tiny bird, and I'm sure it was no fault of yours that the wee creature passed away. I can imagine the feelings that must have twisted in your heart that caused you to resort to lying to protect your mother from disappointment. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Serendipity!, for your kind review and encouragement. One reviewer noted that if I did not take the bird inside the house, a cat would have eaten it alive within hours. Caring for that bird as best as a little boy could was humane. Yes, I will keep up the good work. Thanks.
Comment from TatsuyaLZ
Wow. I actually didn't expect that one coming. The first impression the begining of the story lets off is similar to that of a children's book, or something similar, taking into account the way it is written and some other factors, but the ending really took me by surprise. The questioning, that is; it left me pondering a couple of things I hadn't given much thought to before. And that is exactly what a good story is supposed to do. The only complaint I initially had was the children's book-like vibe, which I'm not particularly fond off, but that style kinda makes the question just the more surprising, so, if done on purpose, it's actually pretty well crafted. Decent grammar, wide vocabulary, and oddly captivating despite the tone. Maybe, if i had to nitpick, i would say that it is a shame that it is a stand-alone chapter. If the story had stretched out into a couple more chapters with the boy nursing the bird would make the death a stronger moment, and that really affects my rating on it. But that's my opinion. Again, great job.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Wow. I actually didn't expect that one coming. The first impression the begining of the story lets off is similar to that of a children's book, or something similar, taking into account the way it is written and some other factors, but the ending really took me by surprise. The questioning, that is; it left me pondering a couple of things I hadn't given much thought to before. And that is exactly what a good story is supposed to do. The only complaint I initially had was the children's book-like vibe, which I'm not particularly fond off, but that style kinda makes the question just the more surprising, so, if done on purpose, it's actually pretty well crafted. Decent grammar, wide vocabulary, and oddly captivating despite the tone. Maybe, if i had to nitpick, i would say that it is a shame that it is a stand-alone chapter. If the story had stretched out into a couple more chapters with the boy nursing the bird would make the death a stronger moment, and that really affects my rating on it. But that's my opinion. Again, great job.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Yes, TatsuyaLZ, I am a storyteller of surprise endings. I originally wrote "The Pit" for a Fanstory non-fiction story contest about encounters with wild animals, but I could not edit my story down to the 800 words required before the deadline. I thought my story would work better as a ten minute story performed live from memory in front of audiences. On the day the contest closed, a storytelling event producer invited me perform in San Francisco a ten minute confession story. I accepted and rushed to finish this story. There are nuances of voice, expression, and body language you will miss if you just read the words.
The children's book-like vibe is intentional as I based this story on the poems and stories I wrote as a kid and on the books I read. I needed to see the world from the point of view of the kid I was instead of as the adult I am. Given that I am only given ten minutes to perform this story and right now my performance clocks anywhere from nine to thirteen minutes, I cannot stretch the story out into a couple of more chapters. I resumed rehearsals last night for a story I will premier tomorrow night.
And, yes, after my performances I am submitting this story to a children's literary journal.
Thank you for your encouraging review.
Comment from CD Richards
A very entertaining, if somewhat sad, tale. As a story, it is really well told. I imagine the story will be received very well. Thanks for sharing, and congratulations on a fine piece of work. Craig.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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A very entertaining, if somewhat sad, tale. As a story, it is really well told. I imagine the story will be received very well. Thanks for sharing, and congratulations on a fine piece of work. Craig.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Craig, for your encouraging review. I am glad my bittersweet tale entertained you. I am now rehearsing the performance of the live version of "The Pit" at a storytelling event next week. Thank you for your support.
Comment from inside echo
Excellently written. I began reading this not knowing it was a story, I thought it was a poem. But I felt compelled to keep reading. It is o well written and brings back thoughts of childhood, when we say or don't say something and how a lifetime later that event is still stuck with us. I really liked the presentation, the story and the simple style (which makes it so believable) of this story.
It is a shame you didn't get it in on time for the contest, it is very well written.
Well done.
tgc
echo
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Excellently written. I began reading this not knowing it was a story, I thought it was a poem. But I felt compelled to keep reading. It is o well written and brings back thoughts of childhood, when we say or don't say something and how a lifetime later that event is still stuck with us. I really liked the presentation, the story and the simple style (which makes it so believable) of this story.
It is a shame you didn't get it in on time for the contest, it is very well written.
Well done.
tgc
echo
Comment Written 21-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Thank you, inside echo, for your enthusiastic, six-star-review. Hopefully, with me telling this story I can finally let that guilt and regret go. If I had entered this story on time for the contest, it would have been disqualified for being too long. I am glad I stuck with the long version. Thanks again for your review.
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Yes, hopefully you can, funny, (well not funny) how some thing just stick like that eh?
I am glad you posted it as it is.
You are welcome.
tgc
echo
Comment from Nosha17
It is a good idea to bring out those tales that are buried deep and let others enjoy them. Hope your performance goes well. I loved Dr Doolittle, too-Rex Harrison was the archetypal Dr, loved the songs, too. Good story line and a most enjoyable read. Faye
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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It is a good idea to bring out those tales that are buried deep and let others enjoy them. Hope your performance goes well. I loved Dr Doolittle, too-Rex Harrison was the archetypal Dr, loved the songs, too. Good story line and a most enjoyable read. Faye
Comment Written 21-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Faye, for your enjoyable read. I am glad you enjoyed this tale of buried secrets.
Comment from Treischel
A compelling tale about a boy and a bird told skillfully, with colorful descriptions and thoughtful glimpses into a child's mind. The imagery of the pit and the bird's grave was unusual. The vacillation between the truth and the fabrication of the lie was realistic and touching. Very enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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A compelling tale about a boy and a bird told skillfully, with colorful descriptions and thoughtful glimpses into a child's mind. The imagery of the pit and the bird's grave was unusual. The vacillation between the truth and the fabrication of the lie was realistic and touching. Very enjoyable read.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Treischel, for your encouraging, detailed review. I am thrilled that you found my skillful story to be an enjoyable read.
Comment from robina1978
Excellent and touching picture that complements your poem perfectly. I saw all the films you watched. I really enjoyed the dog whisperer and horse whisperer. But your story beats all. Pity you did not make the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Excellent and touching picture that complements your poem perfectly. I saw all the films you watched. I really enjoyed the dog whisperer and horse whisperer. But your story beats all. Pity you did not make the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Thank you, robina1978, for your encouraging review. I am glad my story missed the contest deadline because it required stories to be no more than 800 words."The Pit" is twice as long and is a better story because of it.
