Time Entwined
Two girl's families stay in a haunted beach house16 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, lynglyng, you did an excellent job writing this story about the little girl that was killed maybe by the ghost of mrs. Whitman. how did you do in the contest?
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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this is an excellent write, lynglyng, you did an excellent job writing this story about the little girl that was killed maybe by the ghost of mrs. Whitman. how did you do in the contest?
Comment Written 17-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Not good
I only got 1 vote. Thank you for your review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I liked the story you created here.
Some parts of it were wonderfully told but overall I felt the tone was a little inconsistent and there was too much going on early on in an attempt to set the scene.
I especially was freaked out by the porcelain doll collection that hung on a shelf over the dresser - were they on the shelf or hanging?
I also, thought I saw - delete comma.
There is so much going on at the end of the first paragraph - evil dolls, weird noises, scary walls, dogs whining, inexplicable wind, and a mysterious 'ghost' woman. It is almost too much. Too much can devalue to atmosphere trying to be created in this type of tale.
I would play tag or mother may I until we were told to take our baths and go to bed.
- this doesn't make sense, perhaps delete the second 'I'.
Like a dusty old attic full of junk with an inch of dust everywhere - surely if they had been coming for ten years and sleeping in the attic room every time, someone would have cleaned it up a bit for them?
at the Whitman's mansion - I thought it was a beach house.
were not paying us girl's any attention. - delete apostrophe.
her little girl that drown - drowned.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Hi there,
I liked the story you created here.
Some parts of it were wonderfully told but overall I felt the tone was a little inconsistent and there was too much going on early on in an attempt to set the scene.
I especially was freaked out by the porcelain doll collection that hung on a shelf over the dresser - were they on the shelf or hanging?
I also, thought I saw - delete comma.
There is so much going on at the end of the first paragraph - evil dolls, weird noises, scary walls, dogs whining, inexplicable wind, and a mysterious 'ghost' woman. It is almost too much. Too much can devalue to atmosphere trying to be created in this type of tale.
I would play tag or mother may I until we were told to take our baths and go to bed.
- this doesn't make sense, perhaps delete the second 'I'.
Like a dusty old attic full of junk with an inch of dust everywhere - surely if they had been coming for ten years and sleeping in the attic room every time, someone would have cleaned it up a bit for them?
at the Whitman's mansion - I thought it was a beach house.
were not paying us girl's any attention. - delete apostrophe.
her little girl that drown - drowned.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Thanks
Comment from abbasjoy
A well narrated story with an unexpected ending. The atmosphere is set with the creaking of the stairs, the age of the house and the shadows that appear each night.
I used to spend summer vacation with my aunt and uncle-in-law who was a pastor, and the family lived in a Manse in the country. It was one of those big old houses, a perfect setting for a haunting. It had an absolutely gorgeous view of ocean.
Why is it that these old houses always overlooked the ocean?
The story held my interest from beginning to end.
Well done.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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A well narrated story with an unexpected ending. The atmosphere is set with the creaking of the stairs, the age of the house and the shadows that appear each night.
I used to spend summer vacation with my aunt and uncle-in-law who was a pastor, and the family lived in a Manse in the country. It was one of those big old houses, a perfect setting for a haunting. It had an absolutely gorgeous view of ocean.
Why is it that these old houses always overlooked the ocean?
The story held my interest from beginning to end.
Well done.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Thank you .
Comment from emotions_conveyed
Wow, this was really well thought-out. It kept me on edge and the ending was very tragic. I love this writing style and I can't wait to read more! Keep up the good work, lynglyng!
Yours truly,
Emotions
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2015
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Wow, this was really well thought-out. It kept me on edge and the ending was very tragic. I love this writing style and I can't wait to read more! Keep up the good work, lynglyng!
Yours truly,
Emotions
Comment Written 15-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2015
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Thank you for your very kind review.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Wow, I'm so glad that you read my story yesterday. If you hadn't I wouldn't have known to look for your profile to find this story. Your writing is outstanding and I can hardly wait to read more. With only six six-star ratings a week there are seldom enough to go around. I'm just happy that I had one to give. Excellent Story! :-)
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Wow, I'm so glad that you read my story yesterday. If you hadn't I wouldn't have known to look for your profile to find this story. Your writing is outstanding and I can hardly wait to read more. With only six six-star ratings a week there are seldom enough to go around. I'm just happy that I had one to give. Excellent Story! :-)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the six star rating and I am glad you like my story.
Comment from Spitfire
A good story line. You provided spooky details in the beginning. If you tighten some lines, suspense will be heightened. Example:
I remember how the old wooden steps creaked every time we went up and down them. We shared a bedroom on the third floor, which was the attic. There were twin rod iron beds with matching quilts. Not the kind of quilts you can buy at the department store at the Mall, but the kind someone's grandma handmade with a labor of love in each stitch. The house was so old it seemed that the walls could talk. I have to admit that Charlie and I heard some weird noises in the night and every time we heard one of those noises our dogs would start whining. There were old trunks and various things stored up there. I especially was freaked out by the porcelain doll collection that hung on a shelf over the dresser. Those dolls looked evil, like they could come to life at any minute. I would wake up in the middle of the night to see the curtains blowing away from the window, but the window was shut. I also, thought I saw a woman's figure walking near Charlie's bed. Maybe I watched too much television and it was all my imagination.
Delete so many references to yourself-
The old wooden steps creaked every time we climbed up and down We shared a bedroom on the third floor, an attic with twin rod iron beds. Yellowing matching quilts handmade long ago smelled musty (keep the details creepy)Charlie and I heard weird noises at night, a sound that made our dogs whine. Cringing ourselves, we made up stories that the walls talked. Faded trunks filled with ruffled but torn old-fashioned clothes seem to dare us to play dress-up. A porcelain doll collection hung on a shelf over the dresser and freaked me out. The eyes looked alive and evil, as if they would follow us.I would wake in the middle of night to see the lace curtains blowing away from the window. How could that be? The window was shut. Sometimes I swear a strange pale figure hovered over Charlie's bed. Maybe I watched too much television and it was all my imagination.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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A good story line. You provided spooky details in the beginning. If you tighten some lines, suspense will be heightened. Example:
I remember how the old wooden steps creaked every time we went up and down them. We shared a bedroom on the third floor, which was the attic. There were twin rod iron beds with matching quilts. Not the kind of quilts you can buy at the department store at the Mall, but the kind someone's grandma handmade with a labor of love in each stitch. The house was so old it seemed that the walls could talk. I have to admit that Charlie and I heard some weird noises in the night and every time we heard one of those noises our dogs would start whining. There were old trunks and various things stored up there. I especially was freaked out by the porcelain doll collection that hung on a shelf over the dresser. Those dolls looked evil, like they could come to life at any minute. I would wake up in the middle of the night to see the curtains blowing away from the window, but the window was shut. I also, thought I saw a woman's figure walking near Charlie's bed. Maybe I watched too much television and it was all my imagination.
Delete so many references to yourself-
The old wooden steps creaked every time we climbed up and down We shared a bedroom on the third floor, an attic with twin rod iron beds. Yellowing matching quilts handmade long ago smelled musty (keep the details creepy)Charlie and I heard weird noises at night, a sound that made our dogs whine. Cringing ourselves, we made up stories that the walls talked. Faded trunks filled with ruffled but torn old-fashioned clothes seem to dare us to play dress-up. A porcelain doll collection hung on a shelf over the dresser and freaked me out. The eyes looked alive and evil, as if they would follow us.I would wake in the middle of night to see the lace curtains blowing away from the window. How could that be? The window was shut. Sometimes I swear a strange pale figure hovered over Charlie's bed. Maybe I watched too much television and it was all my imagination.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Scary story about Charlie and Katie's misfortune. I think you did a good job keeping the suspense and the sense of eeriness. Good job!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Scary story about Charlie and Katie's misfortune. I think you did a good job keeping the suspense and the sense of eeriness. Good job!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you for taking the time to read and right a positive review.
Comment from jpduck
This was a good story, well told, and I loved your choice of title.
Typos & SPAGs. (Asterisks indicate suggested insertions):
'I [especially was] *was especially* freaked out'
'I would play tag or mother may I until we were told to take our baths and go to bed' (If 'Mother May I' is the name of a game -- it's new to me -- then it should have initial capital letters).
' "No, let's go together." I would always reply.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'she knew exactly what I was thinking.' (Delete the paragraph break after this as it is Katie continuing to speak).
'because she looks like her little girl that drown*ed*'
'I will never forget the ambulance and police cars*'* lights flashing on the beach'
Adrian
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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This was a good story, well told, and I loved your choice of title.
Typos & SPAGs. (Asterisks indicate suggested insertions):
'I [especially was] *was especially* freaked out'
'I would play tag or mother may I until we were told to take our baths and go to bed' (If 'Mother May I' is the name of a game -- it's new to me -- then it should have initial capital letters).
' "No, let's go together." I would always reply.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'she knew exactly what I was thinking.' (Delete the paragraph break after this as it is Katie continuing to speak).
'because she looks like her little girl that drown*ed*'
'I will never forget the ambulance and police cars*'* lights flashing on the beach'
Adrian
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you for taking the time to make corrections and your positive review.
Comment from Shirley McLain
A scary mystery and a good story. You kept me reading to the last word. Your characters are strong and the dialogue is good. You did a great job.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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A scary mystery and a good story. You kept me reading to the last word. Your characters are strong and the dialogue is good. You did a great job.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements beautifully. This is very well penned and was a joy to read as the story flows wonderfully and leaves the reader wondering what actually happened to Charlie. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you so much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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This meets the contest requirements beautifully. This is very well penned and was a joy to read as the story flows wonderfully and leaves the reader wondering what actually happened to Charlie. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you so much for sharing it.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you.
