Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Dead Man's Creek Part3"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
22 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello, Aunty Harriett,
I thoroughly enjoyed another chapter in your saga. Very gripping. Quite fascinating.
Can't wait to find out more!
Well done, ma'am.
Love,
Sonali :)
his, (its) wet snout on his face, the coarse fur brushing against his brow--(Its) ... suggest : drop 'its' or replace with 'the'. 'It's' refers to ONE wolf only, but you speak of WOLVES.
(he) ... across the red line on his cheek. (He) jumped at the sound of his phone. (He) grabbed a towel and put it around his neck as he walked to the Chest of drawers where his phone lay. ... you've begun three sentences in a row with 'he'. Suggest a re-word of some of the lines to avoid monotony.
E.g.
He stepped out of the shower and stood naked before the mirror(, smoothing) a finger
he walked to the (c)hest of drawers
(eyelids) fluttering, head snatching left ... I don't think 'snatching' is the word you need here. Head thrashing ... perhaps?
badly for him.(") She sighed. "My head is killing
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Hello, Aunty Harriett,
I thoroughly enjoyed another chapter in your saga. Very gripping. Quite fascinating.
Can't wait to find out more!
Well done, ma'am.
Love,
Sonali :)
his, (its) wet snout on his face, the coarse fur brushing against his brow--(Its) ... suggest : drop 'its' or replace with 'the'. 'It's' refers to ONE wolf only, but you speak of WOLVES.
(he) ... across the red line on his cheek. (He) jumped at the sound of his phone. (He) grabbed a towel and put it around his neck as he walked to the Chest of drawers where his phone lay. ... you've begun three sentences in a row with 'he'. Suggest a re-word of some of the lines to avoid monotony.
E.g.
He stepped out of the shower and stood naked before the mirror(, smoothing) a finger
he walked to the (c)hest of drawers
(eyelids) fluttering, head snatching left ... I don't think 'snatching' is the word you need here. Head thrashing ... perhaps?
badly for him.(") She sighed. "My head is killing
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you for your review. Will read over it and make corrections.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I'm sure Charlton has a library of nightmares just waiting to be next in line for another nights dreams. The bite isn't always the worst part of an attack, it's the constant footsteps we hear behind us, growing ever closer, and no way to out run or avoid them. Will they leave him alone, or will they find a reason to come after him, and can he ever forget what he saw without speaking out. Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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I'm sure Charlton has a library of nightmares just waiting to be next in line for another nights dreams. The bite isn't always the worst part of an attack, it's the constant footsteps we hear behind us, growing ever closer, and no way to out run or avoid them. Will they leave him alone, or will they find a reason to come after him, and can he ever forget what he saw without speaking out. Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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LOL! Thank you, my dear. I'm going to use you for my next book trailer. If I can ever get this off of fanstory and into a professional editor's hand.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Amahra, I liked this a lot and the story is moving on. I liked the scene of him taking a shower and the brown water dripping off.On that note I also think you use far too many sentences starting with a he in that paragraph. Just my opinion.
Very well written and I am looking forward to reading on. Ulla
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Hi Amahra, I liked this a lot and the story is moving on. I liked the scene of him taking a shower and the brown water dripping off.On that note I also think you use far too many sentences starting with a he in that paragraph. Just my opinion.
Very well written and I am looking forward to reading on. Ulla
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Yeah, I did use too many. I'm so tire of editing. It will be a pro editor's head ache before it's published. I'm done. LOL But thank you so much.
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Oh I do know what you mean. I also edit edit and yet again edit and it is never quite right.Ulla
Comment from royowen
Well done Amahra, this is an excellent series, the characters and descriptive text have been excellent, and the plot unusual and different from the normal werewolf series that one normally reads, I have been absorbed, engaged, horrified and entertained all at the same time! Well done, my friend, blessings, Roy.
Spag: I feel (aweful) about Charlie. = awful.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Well done Amahra, this is an excellent series, the characters and descriptive text have been excellent, and the plot unusual and different from the normal werewolf series that one normally reads, I have been absorbed, engaged, horrified and entertained all at the same time! Well done, my friend, blessings, Roy.
Spag: I feel (aweful) about Charlie. = awful.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Thank you, roy. Your review is so encouraging. I'll take care of that spag.
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Most welcome,
Comment from Curly Girly
This chapter read well as the story progresses.
Suggestions:
You call me, scared out of your mind.
You callED me, scared out of your mind.
You've seen me worst.
You've seen me worsE.
or:
You've seen me at my worst.
more serious tone," did what happened
more serious tone[. "D]id what happened
he'll be find."
he'll be finE."
or:
he'll be fOUNd."
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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This chapter read well as the story progresses.
Suggestions:
You call me, scared out of your mind.
You callED me, scared out of your mind.
You've seen me worst.
You've seen me worsE.
or:
You've seen me at my worst.
more serious tone," did what happened
more serious tone[. "D]id what happened
he'll be find."
he'll be finE."
or:
he'll be fOUNd."
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much. I'll make those changes.
Comment from Writingfundimension
'As his car inched deeper into the wooded area, it was as if the sky had blinked from daylight to night.' Very effective description, Amahra.
'He lingered there under his private water fall like he needed to wash River and the wolves off his skin...' I think that most readers would probably relate well to this feeling! Good think he had the option to walk away with his life intact.
For your consideration:
'I know... it couldn't be help(ed)...'
Another tense, well-written chapter.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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'As his car inched deeper into the wooded area, it was as if the sky had blinked from daylight to night.' Very effective description, Amahra.
'He lingered there under his private water fall like he needed to wash River and the wolves off his skin...' I think that most readers would probably relate well to this feeling! Good think he had the option to walk away with his life intact.
For your consideration:
'I know... it couldn't be help(ed)...'
Another tense, well-written chapter.
:) Bev
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Bev. I'm glad you pointed out some lines you like. I liked those lines also. I'll make the correction.
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
Well, I must say this was a bit of an anti-climax for me. I suppose this was the easiest way to deal with it, but I thought a little more may have come from the experience, on Charlton's side. Never mind. It's your story and I must take it as it comes. Well written, as usual, and very entertaining.
'Charlton sat with his forehead resting on the stirring wheel.' 'steering' wheel
'But none was returned.' none 'were' returned
I found the last part a little confusing...well, not confusing so much... You change your POV almost mid-sentence. At first, the POV is the doctor's (she receives the call, answers the phone, is delighted to see the caller, etc), but suddenly he 'looked over at Jewel'. I don't think it works well, Amahra, but that's just my opinion.
Anthony
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Well, I must say this was a bit of an anti-climax for me. I suppose this was the easiest way to deal with it, but I thought a little more may have come from the experience, on Charlton's side. Never mind. It's your story and I must take it as it comes. Well written, as usual, and very entertaining.
'Charlton sat with his forehead resting on the stirring wheel.' 'steering' wheel
'But none was returned.' none 'were' returned
I found the last part a little confusing...well, not confusing so much... You change your POV almost mid-sentence. At first, the POV is the doctor's (she receives the call, answers the phone, is delighted to see the caller, etc), but suddenly he 'looked over at Jewel'. I don't think it works well, Amahra, but that's just my opinion.
Anthony
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you. Will take another look and read over it.
Comment from padumachitta
HI..This kept me going and going. I wish you could post longer chapters(but alas, I may be one of the few on the Site, that would read a 'normal' length)...anyway. I was enjoying this, and wondering about the blood and the trouble it is gonna cause and getting into the scene...and then it was over...now I gotta write a review...and what to say? I wasn"t looking for SPAG or faults...I was just enjoying...
padumachitta
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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HI..This kept me going and going. I wish you could post longer chapters(but alas, I may be one of the few on the Site, that would read a 'normal' length)...anyway. I was enjoying this, and wondering about the blood and the trouble it is gonna cause and getting into the scene...and then it was over...now I gotta write a review...and what to say? I wasn"t looking for SPAG or faults...I was just enjoying...
padumachitta
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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I use to write them longer, but fans don't like them long. They won't read them. These are not real chapters. They're fan story chapters.
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Hi...I know...more is the pity...we are suppose to be writers here...and writers read...I do believe...
padumachitta
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Harriett. You are very good at keeping the action fast-paced and interesting, my friend. This is some quality writing from start to finish. Fine images all the way, like: "Ben drove for several minutes in total silence. There was not even a radio sound or phone ring that broke through this quiet barrier. Ben looked over at Charlton several times, but neither spoke. Ben tried to whistle, but only air and spit came out."
And: " Her hand was on the down sweep of the 89th brush of her long, dark hair. He turned his face towards the night stand. "I know. But thank you anyway. You have a good night."
Suggestions: " Ben remembered the place well" (I would use the pronoun "he" here as you just used the proper name "Ben" in the sentence before...for better sound)
"Ben wrinkled his nose. "Yo ... you all right?" (A wrinkling of the nose just doesn't ring right, I don't think. Just make this "Are you alright?" If you are going to have a pause complete the word "you" instead of "Yo . . . You"
And: "Ben returned and handed him the bag." (Word conservation. Eliminate "and handed him the bag."
Excellent writing. will be anxious to see the next chapter. Bob
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Hi, Harriett. You are very good at keeping the action fast-paced and interesting, my friend. This is some quality writing from start to finish. Fine images all the way, like: "Ben drove for several minutes in total silence. There was not even a radio sound or phone ring that broke through this quiet barrier. Ben looked over at Charlton several times, but neither spoke. Ben tried to whistle, but only air and spit came out."
And: " Her hand was on the down sweep of the 89th brush of her long, dark hair. He turned his face towards the night stand. "I know. But thank you anyway. You have a good night."
Suggestions: " Ben remembered the place well" (I would use the pronoun "he" here as you just used the proper name "Ben" in the sentence before...for better sound)
"Ben wrinkled his nose. "Yo ... you all right?" (A wrinkling of the nose just doesn't ring right, I don't think. Just make this "Are you alright?" If you are going to have a pause complete the word "you" instead of "Yo . . . You"
And: "Ben returned and handed him the bag." (Word conservation. Eliminate "and handed him the bag."
Excellent writing. will be anxious to see the next chapter. Bob
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Bob. Always a pleasure. I'm going to use all suggestions. Just one: he wrinkled his nose because Charlton had pissed and messed on himself. I was trying to show that Charlie stank and not tell. What would you suggest? And should I say, "he returned with the bag?T
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"As he approached Charlie, foul odors assaulted his senses (or his nose) Bob
Comment from Mahogany Bleu
I felt like I was lock step with all of the characters. Excellent detailing and very smooth rhythm. I was engaged and riveted on the characters. Coming in on such a late chapter, I was still vested in the characters. Very good work!
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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I felt like I was lock step with all of the characters. Excellent detailing and very smooth rhythm. I was engaged and riveted on the characters. Coming in on such a late chapter, I was still vested in the characters. Very good work!
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much. I really appreciate you saying that. I try so hard to improve my writing. What you said means a lot.
