Comment from mfowler

Excellent

Clearly there is no killing this travelling demon from history's bowels. I love the way you've constructed this. Bare bones and plenty of action. You utilise dialogue and internal thought very well. You write with all the gore and acid tongue of a horror writer, while imbuing the tale with enough humour (love the 'ducky' demon) to tell us you aren't taking it all too seriously. After all, some of the best horror is so bloody funny. Jack thinks he's killed the bikie beast, but there's no way a human can do away with something so sinister. Great entertainment.
SPAG
dosen't ..doesn't
snakes breath...snake's breath, or snakes' breath
His disbelieving, heavily pregnant wife, went ballistic. (suddenly past tense in a story written present)

 Comment Written 14-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015

Hi mfowler.

I have made the corrections.

This is an outstanding review. The way you explain each component of the story in a clear concise way is brilliant. You read the story as I intended it and spotted the humor. I would give you six stars for this if I could. lol.

Thank you for your kind review and for taking the time to review my work, it is greatly appreciated.

:) Mel.

Comment from Pearl Edwards

Exceptional

Great story Write hand blue, loved it. Quite different. I love the way you've used the different colours for the telling of this and what an ending. Another chapter in the making. Well done.

 Comment Written 14-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015

Thank you Pearl.

I find writing flash fiction and trying to match my text with Dean's wonderful picture a pleasurable experience. This is all very much an experiment.

Thank you for the kind review and the six stars. I'm so pleased you liked my story.

:) Mel.

Comment from DreamtwithClarity

Excellent

Nice read! I like the way that things are turning out. The artwork is very nice and fits well with the story. Thrillers were not always for me, but this makes me think with a different perspective.

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015

Thank you DreamtwithClarity, for your kind and very much appreciated review.

:) Mel.

Comment from jaimelorie

Good

What a different way to write a story. And to read it's based on an actual set of circumstances is intriguing. The artwork is incredible. Thanks for sharing.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015

Thank you jaimelorie, for your very much appreciated review.

Comment from christianpowers

Excellent

Hi WHB, Now that's some horror flash fiction. Good job. The baby cart at the end was predictable, but amusing none-the-less, and certainly fit in with the rest of this 'slash-fiction' piece. I actually even considered changing the channel in the middle of this just like when I'm watching some low budget horror flick on late night TV. The writing was either that good or that bad, but hopefully bad on purpose, which I highly suspect or I would have kept my mouth shut about it. lol

Christian

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015

Thank you Christian, for your very much appreciated review.

I believe I understand what you mean and will take it as a mild complement. If I can inject a little hidden sarcastic humour and it's noticed then I'm happy.

As regards the cot being predictable, this should set up a little expectancy and perhaps increase any tension felt by the reader. Just my theory.

Regards :) Mel.

Comment from justafan

Excellent

The descriptions in the crash scene were like being there and seeing with my own eyes...gross. But great for the story WHB. This addition to the book will be well received I imagine. Superb.

Always justafan,
Missy

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015

Thank you Missy, for your kind and very much appreciated review.

:) Mel.

Comment from sibhus

Excellent

Definitely some terrifying writing there, Dude. A sodomite demon, ha, ha-that makes a lot of sense. Nice little twist at the end with the pram, which would really make for an interesting future story. Nice descriptions filled with plenty of gore, the staple of a true horror story. Good stuff.

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015

Thank you sibhus, for your kind and very much appreciated review.

I'm pleased you picked up on the humour.

:) Mel.

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

Chilling, Mel. Jack thought that he had pulverized the demon, but all the demon needed was a new set of wheels. LOL
In the opening gory section I like this original description: Entrails, like obscene octopus tentacles, drape around the narrow tree trunk.
I didn't quite see how the ghost being gay mattered to the story. He was a mean SOB demon, regardless.

-a demon's banquet

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2015

Hi Ellen, I needed to inject a little depth, something different a little humour perhaps. To contrast and magnify the horror. Hence the 'NICE' BOY.

I put the sex manual back on the shelf for this story. Hah! Hah!

As always your kind review is much appreciated.

:) Mel.

Comment from ellie6

Excellent

Delightfully creepy. I liked the twist about the pram. In the bit where Jack confronts the entity, shouldn't the comment "Well" be in light blue? as it's the demon speaking. otherwise, an imaginative bit of writing. Well done.

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015

Thank you ellie6, for your kind review. If you look at the dialogue the line before says:- "Right, I'll sort you out after work!" wagging his finger at it.".... that's Jack speaking. It is practice these days to keep name tags to the minimum. This is to improve the flow. Sorry for the confusion.

I greatly appreciate your review.

:) Mel.

Comment from Jay Squires

Excellent

An interesting, gory, horror story. Motor cycles and prams can have their own personality it seems, and must be heeded.

A couple of concerns:

"Will it happen again?" worried--Donald Wells prays it doesn't.[I don't quite know what you're saying here. Are you using "worried Donald Wells" as a speech tag? You don't need the double dash. That just complicates things. "prays it doesn't just seems to hang around the end and doesn't do anything.]

Flying into a solitary tree; his anguished screaming [Why the semi-colon instead of a comma?

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2015

Hi Jay, I wrote that a dozen different ways trying to save words and took my eye of the meaning. I thank you for pointing it out.
It has been re-written.

Your review as always is much appreciated.

:) Mel.