Christine's Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 114 "Do you remember Jim"Poems /stories on Fanstory
8 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Christine, I enjoyed this romp in history with all the Aussieisms in it. What a great place to grow up it sounds like. We have a really good bunch of Aussie writers on here at the moment and you are one of them, well done.
If I had to make a suggestion it would be to perhaps lose some of the commas to create more run on sentences so it is not so staccato in rhythm but I loved it anyway...great stuff....
For example...
"And sometimes we, would walk a mile, or two across the land," (And sometimes we would walk a mile or two across the land) it creates a run on sentence to lead in to the next line....
SPAG ALERT...
"Both young and free, a lot so(to) see, we had."
" those old show(shows) now all gone."
"Adventures ours, while heading(herding) cows, do you remember so."
Cheers and well done, Fez
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2015
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G'day Christine, I enjoyed this romp in history with all the Aussieisms in it. What a great place to grow up it sounds like. We have a really good bunch of Aussie writers on here at the moment and you are one of them, well done.
If I had to make a suggestion it would be to perhaps lose some of the commas to create more run on sentences so it is not so staccato in rhythm but I loved it anyway...great stuff....
For example...
"And sometimes we, would walk a mile, or two across the land," (And sometimes we would walk a mile or two across the land) it creates a run on sentence to lead in to the next line....
SPAG ALERT...
"Both young and free, a lot so(to) see, we had."
" those old show(shows) now all gone."
"Adventures ours, while heading(herding) cows, do you remember so."
Cheers and well done, Fez
Comment Written 06-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2015
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Thanks Fez I will fix these things up and really appreciate your reviews and support. I hope I am doing the Aussie justice Cheers Christine😀
Comment from pharp
Christine,
I know your brother was indeed honored when he read this beautifully penned poem ; as it took him down memory lane. It is amazing how you could remember so much for the past and yet pen it with excellent rhyming with such a smooth flow. I didn't see any errors and I am glad you shared for it was an enjoyable read. lol Portia
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2015
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Christine,
I know your brother was indeed honored when he read this beautifully penned poem ; as it took him down memory lane. It is amazing how you could remember so much for the past and yet pen it with excellent rhyming with such a smooth flow. I didn't see any errors and I am glad you shared for it was an enjoyable read. lol Portia
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2015
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Thank you Portia, I enjoyed writing this for Jim, and he was pleased and had a bit of a laugh at all the things we got up to. I enjoy you comments and thanks for your lovely support to a newy Cheers Christine 😊
Comment from petalangela
I have been enthral led watching the scenes that you have painted with your words
Your brother must have really loved this poem I sincerely hope it has been printed and placed in a frame for him to keep on his wall
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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I have been enthral led watching the scenes that you have painted with your words
Your brother must have really loved this poem I sincerely hope it has been printed and placed in a frame for him to keep on his wall
Comment Written 03-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Thank you very much for reading this poem. i really enjoyed writing this and find words flow easily when they come from the heart. Yes I did this up for my brother Jim in a frame surrounded by photos of our beautiful farm (which had been sold quite a few years ago, and I now only have my memories. Also I took my Dad out to see his beloved farm and watched him look around and little did I know that he would pass away unexpectdly the next week so that visit will always be special for me also.
I appreciate you review and lovely comments. Cheers Christine
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Nice artwork for your poem, and I appreciated the author notes, as well.
-A wonderful tribute to your brother for his birthday, and a story I am sure he will be proud of.
-The rhyme is good, and the poem flows very well as you go from memory to memory.
-I liked the reference to the "old green door". Maybe that is when your talent began, reading those postings.
-A few things to look at:
* Always put a comma when directly addressing a person; for example:
"Do you remember Jim?" (remember, Jim)
*a lot so see ( a lot to see?)
*No need for commas in these phrases:
-can hear, that chainsaw
-sometimes we, would walk
-How quickly do, the years
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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-Nice artwork for your poem, and I appreciated the author notes, as well.
-A wonderful tribute to your brother for his birthday, and a story I am sure he will be proud of.
-The rhyme is good, and the poem flows very well as you go from memory to memory.
-I liked the reference to the "old green door". Maybe that is when your talent began, reading those postings.
-A few things to look at:
* Always put a comma when directly addressing a person; for example:
"Do you remember Jim?" (remember, Jim)
*a lot so see ( a lot to see?)
*No need for commas in these phrases:
-can hear, that chainsaw
-sometimes we, would walk
-How quickly do, the years
Comment Written 03-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Thank you respa1 for your reflective and constructive feed back, and yes maybe the old green door was the start. (its a shame we didn't rescue it when the cowshed was done up.) I tried to keep the meter flowing so probably overdid the commas so thanks for that and will correct this. Cheers Christine
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You are very welcome for the review and comments.
Comment from Ginnygray
What a treasure trove of sweet and beautiful childhood memories! I could feel the love exude from the page! I can't think of a better tribute to be had between two close siblings! Very descriptive writing, especially the blackie pie with cream! Definitely make the reader salivate with that decadent gem! I thoroughly enjoyed your tribute for Jim! Happy Birthday and many more to Jim.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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What a treasure trove of sweet and beautiful childhood memories! I could feel the love exude from the page! I can't think of a better tribute to be had between two close siblings! Very descriptive writing, especially the blackie pie with cream! Definitely make the reader salivate with that decadent gem! I thoroughly enjoyed your tribute for Jim! Happy Birthday and many more to Jim.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Thank you Ginnygray for your lovely review and I'm glad you enjoyed this, and yes we are still very close and love to catch up. We shared a lot and often have a bit of a laugh at what we did, kids will be kids still. Thanks again appreciate you thoughts. Cheers Christine😀
Comment from bayforesthimankush
An excellent birth day poem to a brother; the poem tells the whole story of you and your brother when you were together. Those are precious and fun memories; you shall enjoy these memories as you go older and older. Those are golden memories.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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An excellent birth day poem to a brother; the poem tells the whole story of you and your brother when you were together. Those are precious and fun memories; you shall enjoy these memories as you go older and older. Those are golden memories.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Thank you bayforesthimankush for your review and lovely comments for this tribute to my brother, We are both in our 60's now and still love to see each other and share lots still. I believe he was pleased with this gift. Cheers Christine😄
Comment from gallivandog
I loved this,, a bit of an epic, but what a trip down memory lane. You have quite a memory and managed to place them in your poem to read with a lovely rhythm and flow. A picture paints a thousand words, but in your case your words paint a great picture.
Well done .
5th Stanza... Billys? some kind of container I guess?
Kind Regards
Dave
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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I loved this,, a bit of an epic, but what a trip down memory lane. You have quite a memory and managed to place them in your poem to read with a lovely rhythm and flow. A picture paints a thousand words, but in your case your words paint a great picture.
Well done .
5th Stanza... Billys? some kind of container I guess?
Kind Regards
Dave
Comment Written 03-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Thank you gallivandog for your review and kind words, ( yes it was a bit of an epic, but that is the original version a lot of fit in 60 years lol glad you liked it and yes a billy is a tin can to collect things in Appreciate your time and comments Cheers Christine😊
Comment from His Grayness
This is very sweet and heartfelt indeed with tender thoughts of past days shared with a loved one. I enjoyed reading it as it brought similar memories to me of my life as well. Thanks for the journey! HIS GRAYNESS
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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This is very sweet and heartfelt indeed with tender thoughts of past days shared with a loved one. I enjoyed reading it as it brought similar memories to me of my life as well. Thanks for the journey! HIS GRAYNESS
Comment Written 03-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Thank you His Grayness it was a trip down memory lane and I hoped it fitted the poetry requirements , glad to evoke some of your own memories too Cheers Christine
